求好人帮忙点评下雅思作文，感激不尽～

zhaizibo1990

考了3次雅思，作文总是5.5，愁坏我了，论坛上的兄弟姐妹们帮忙评判一下我的作文，感激涕零。
Topic: As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual wellbeing. What factors contribute to job satisfaction? How realistic is the expectation of all workers?

Today, an increasing number of adults spend a majority of life time at work. Therefore, job satisfaction plays a pivotal role in determining workers’ level of happiness directly.

Receiving a good wage apparently contributes a positive factor to job satisfaction. However, money cannot buy happiness alone. In order to keep an upbeat mood during work, workplace environment, such as, friendly colleagues, ergonomic designed equipment, well-organized working time and a productive but not stressful pace are equally important. A survey conducted by ANU Social Science Faculty also found, employees demand to be treated fairly as much as they long for a raise. Workers who consider themselves equally treated by employer and co-workers are more likely to gain job satisfaction.

Employers also play crucial parts in creating job satisfaction. During work, paying more attention to individual’s achievement and offering incentives to spur the morale. After work, make efforts to blend in with workers, host recreational events, for instance, a barbeque or party in return to the efforts their employees threw in work and render them realize they are valuable and appreciated. Arranging working schedule scientifically and thoughtfully as well as sympathize for the sick, be understanding for the compassionate leave so on and so forth.

In conclusion, job satisfaction cannot be achieved if it were not strived by both parts. More active actions need to be injected in to fulfill the satisfaction.

267个字，word算的。

[ 本帖最后由 zhaizibo1990 于 10-5-2011 16:40 编辑 ]

irason

我来试试看吧。我雅思分数不高，总分7分--单项写作6.5。所以一下意见仅供参考。

Topic: As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual wellbeing. What factors contribute to job satisfaction? How realistic is the expectation of all workers?
这是一个报告型文体。所以主体结构应该是一段factors，一段是how realistic(你需要描述是否可行)

Today, an increasing number of adults spend a majority of life time at work. Therefore, job satisfaction plays a pivotal role in determining workers’ level of happiness directly.
开头可以，但好像没有什么因果关系。当中有逻辑跳跃，不过IELTS不讲那么细。

Receiving a good wage apparently contributes a positive factor to job satisfaction. However, money cannot buy happiness alone. In order to keep an upbeat mood during work, workplace environment, such as, friendly colleagues, ergonomic designed equipment, well-organized working time and a productive but not stressful pace are equally important. A survey conducted by ANU Social Science Faculty also found, employees demand to be treated fairly as much as they long for a raise. Workers who consider themselves equally treated by employer and co-workers are more likely to gain job satisfaction.

Employers also play crucial parts in creating job satisfaction. During work, paying more attention to individual’s achievement and offering incentives to spur the morale. After work, make efforts to blend in with workers, host recreational events, for instance, a barbeque or party in return to the efforts their employees threw in work and render them realize they are valuable and appreciated. Arranging working schedule scientifically and thoughtfully as well as sympathize for the sick, be understanding for the compassionate leave so on and so forth.

这两段是说明factors。但由于段首没有提示本段需要说明什么内容，希望能加上总结性开头。
另外句子之间，联系不是很紧密。推荐多用连词提示，等待写作水平提高后，可以靠语义提示句子之间的关系

In conclusion, job satisfaction cannot be achieved if it were not strived by both parts. More active actions need to be injected in to fulfill the satisfaction.
直接结尾了，漏掉了另一个问题how realistic。另外结尾太仓促不够饱满。

LZ花了大两段却是回答了一个问题，属于偏题。
语言，语句再好。偏了就是5.5分。我考过一次IELTS，由于严重偏题：文体搞错，直接就给了5分。后来注意了这个问题后，就考到了6.5。

zhaizibo1990

没人帮助嘛，额，好愁啊，其他3科都不错，只有作文是大难，需要帮助呀，谢谢啦

frozen_heart770

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[ 本帖最后由 frozen_heart770 于 13-5-2011 11:29 编辑 ]

zhaizibo1990

都是我自己写的，我自己有时感觉是自己用词确实比较随意，想起哪个词就用哪个，确实有待提高。十分感谢你的评价

zhaizibo1990

谢谢你啊，评价的很到位，这是我这次练习写的第一篇文章，确实不知道该写什么，自己都写的挺二乎的。不过现在再越练越有思路，我前两次考5.5想必也是这个原因。不知道你可不可以再帮忙看看最近的其它习作并加以点评呢？感激不尽

irason

好的。

如果有帮助最好。
我也在提高自己的写作水平，现在澳洲移民要4个7。所以，我也在提高中，
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