作文求批，看看斤两

mrface

上次雅思不行跑题，痛苦二鸭中。大家觉得能得几分呢？More families send their children to studyabroad. Discuss advantage & disadvantage. What age do you recommend?


Education can always attract publicattention, for it is closely connected with children’s future. Nowadays, moreand more parents encourage their children to study abroad after graduation fromhigh schools or universities. I will discuss the pros and cons in this essay.


Studying abroad brings plenty ofopportunities for children to improve themselves. First of all, it is universalacknowledged that a good language atmosphere brings numerous positive effectsfor learning the second language. If there is no chance to speak their nativelanguage, they will speak the second language all the time. Besides,undoubtedly, children become much more independent when they live and study inanother country without any help from their parents. For instance, they startto learn how to do the housework, how to communicate with landlord and how toschedule their time.


On the other hand, new environment brings avariety of challenges to children. Children, probably, will be confronted withan enormous culture shock at the very beginning, especially, for those maturestudents. Normally, the shock will last for a long time until they fully adaptto the new environment. In addition, it is cost a lot of money to send childrento study abroad. For those middle-income families, it becomes an essentialaspect that need to be considered carefully. Is it really needed to spend allthe money, including the parents’ pensions, to provide an opportunity offurther education abroad to their children?



Inconclusion, I suppose that sending children to study abroad is a correct decision,but the parents should take the family financial situation into consideration.Last but not the least, do not send children to study abroad when they are tooyoung. Personally, I think that when children are 15 years of age or above,parents can consider whether send them to study abroad.

nil

there is no point in the first paragraph...
看不下去了。

dcxg

我靠，绝对的中式英文
请高手指点

TWT

现在不谈英文，中式英文也好，英式中文也好，你就按中文写出来，你那能拿的出手啊，东扯西拉，中文小学三年级水平都不够哇。

一针见血，楼主想拍砖就拍吧。

nicoleflopy

有人批了第一段，我看了下最后一段。
1，英语写作，逗号后面要空一格再写下一句的开始，否则看着很不舒服。
2，每一句都有连词，lz应该学习过雅思写作，蛮好的啊。
3，有语法错误。
.

dcxg

我们就先批批作文的第一句话
中式英文加废话

dcxg

----------------Education can always attract publicattention, for it is closely connected with children’s future.

七仙女

搂住写的不错,,应该有6分

dcxg

你拍的好温柔啊

mrface

顶。继续寻拍砖。这开头还是我抄的某篇范文。大家一般都怎么开头呢。

mrface

什么叫no point？还望明确一点说。是指没有观点，还是这个开头太过迂腐了。
水平实在有限，坛友多包涵，多多之处意见，不怕板砖。

nil

give a clear statement (your point) in the first paragraph.  I don't think this is a good model you've copied.  

400 words essay, there is no time and space for you to set puzzles for your reader--your marker, in fact.  They've read thousands of rubbish essays.  I reckon no one would like playing a guessing game after these--better give them your articulate idea at the very beginning, then prove it.

At least, to me, your beginning is boring enough to stop me reading through your essay.

mrface

有道理，不过第一段作为引题很难写的很出彩。也有人说一个简短的开头段也非常不错，不用扯背景和一些无关的话。直接点题，表观点。然后跟主体段。不知道鸭友么更中意什么风格
？

nil

well.  I don't think what other testees think matters.  Rather, the tester's opinion is more important, since they are the ones reading your essay.  As you've said, 400-word essay is nothing--the shortest at uni is 1000 based.  So I reckon a CLEARLY STATED paragraph is good enough--at least you let the marker know what you are going to argue/support.  This is called deductive method, or top-down.  You don't want to make your listener confused after you blah blah a lot.

BTW, background is necessary--but don't get it too far.  As to me, there is a huge information gap between your first sentence and second sentence, as you jump from A directly to W--which is not well constructed.  English is not YOU KNOW, I KNOW stuff.  Rather, it is I KNOW and I EXPLAIN based on my idea about YOUR BACKGROUND KNOWLEDGE.  Always keep your reader in your mind--are they the knowledge receivers, or actually higher than you.  To the former, you've got to explain more; otherwise they don't get your point.  To the latter, don't bullshit too much--they will think you take them as fools.

As for the language, you've got to work hard enough to improve.  Basically, language is a self-studying thing.

Hope these help.

dcxg

Education is always the key concern of Chinese
这样表达怎样，用attract感觉别扭

atelier

很好很强大，很多词有用错现象。

pros & cons是缩写，请你写作的时候不要用，如果要用就用全称。