大作文，需要大家能给拍下

shan.gavin

freeoz上高手如云哦，大家有空给来拍一下啊
================================================================================
Universities do not prepare people for work.Instead, they teach knowledge that has little relevance in "the real word".How far do you agree or disagree? Give reason for your answers.
=================================================================

It is quit common to see that huge proportion of employees, who already had multiple years' working　experiences, are complaining that the universities they graduated from did not teach them much factual knowledges or skills, and they also feel not satisfied with that the universities focus on basic theories too much.

As shown from recently released survey, much experienced people believe their universities should have helped them gaining practical knowledges or skills, that can be applied to their daily work directly. Particularly when those people are facing difficulties in front of new assignments, such kind of regret becomes more serious. However, I do not believe the blame should go to the universities after considering the major function of the academic institutes. The universities is the place where you can start yourself from a basis, instead of where you can gain everything, or even success.

Those who hold opposite opinion might argue that those basic theories taken from graduated universities are really important, or even crucial to help learning afterwards when they are working. Those theories become requisite foundations to understand the practical technologies, and grasp factual skills effectively and correctly. For hundreds of years, almost all breakthroughs of scientific theories are achieved from universities. What is meant by this is that the mostly powerful area of the universities is theory, and it is reasonable to focus more on it there. As well, scientific theories seems more difficult to grasp than factual knowledges, which is listed at another reason for young, energetic students to accomplish the task in universities. All of the factors mentioned demonstrate that universities should focus more on teaching scientific theories.

In conclusion, it is more convincing for universities to concentrate on teaching scientific theories instead of factual technologies and skills. As well, university education will be more faultless to adjust the theories they teach according to the alert of movement of 'the real world'.

sevennior

才看到这篇作文。
找到一点小毛病：
第二段，Particularly...和such kind...是两句话吧？没有连词。
第三段，focus on用了两次（或以上？第一段也用了focus on），能否换换表达方式？

3WU

实在看LZ 写的惨不忍睹，我就略加提示： 抛开结构，观点， 语法的问题。就说你的审题。

题目问：“How far do you agree or disagree? Give reason for your answers.”

从你整篇文中，我能看到扣题目的只有下面红色部分:

It is quit common to see that huge proportion of employees, who already had multiple years' working　experiences, are complaining that the universities they graduated from did not teach them much factual knowledges or skills, and they also feel not satisfied with that the universities focus on basic theories too much.

As shown from recently released survey, much experienced people believe their universities should have helped them gaining practical knowledges or skills, that can be applied to their daily work directly. Particularly when those people are facing difficulties in front of new assignments, such kind of regret becomes more serious. However, I do not believe the blame should go to the universities after considering the major function of the academic institutes. The universities is the place where you can start yourself from a basis, instead of where you can gain everything, or even success.

Those who hold opposite opinion might argue that those basic theories taken from graduated universities are really important, or even crucial to help learning afterwards when they are working. Those theories become requisite foundations to understand the practical technologies, and grasp factual skills effectively and correctly. For hundreds of years, almost all breakthroughs of scientific theories are achieved from universities. What is meant by this is that the mostly powerful area of the universities is theory, and it is reasonable to focus more on it there. As well, scientific theories seems more difficult to grasp than factual knowledges, which is listed at another reason for young, energetic students to accomplish the task in universities. All of the factors mentioned demonstrate that universities should focus more on teaching scientific theories.(勉强算是)

In conclusion, it is more convincing for universities to concentrate on teaching scientific theories instead of factual technologies and skills. As well, university education will be more faultless to adjust the theories they teach according to the alert of movement of 'the real world'.

shan.gavin

谢谢w3u啊，果然是强人啊，看得好仔细。第二段最后一句，应该是"should not". 掉了个"not"

sevennior

是不是应该把重点放在agree or disagree上面？？。。。

shan.gavin

原帖由 3WU 于 16-9-2010 11:52 发表

                               
登录/注册后可看大图

实在看LZ 写的惨不忍睹，我就略加提示： 抛开结构，观点， 语法的问题。就说你的审题。

题目问：“How far do you agree or disagree? Give reason for your answers.”

从你整篇文中，我能看到扣题目的只有下 ...

谢谢w3c的建议啊，如果可以，不知道是否可以在结构，及語法方面给点建议啊

shan.gavin

原帖由 sevennior 于 16-9-2010 12:17 发表

                               
登录/注册后可看大图

是不是应该把重点放在agree or disagree上面？？。。。

我想要达到的结构是：
第一段：引出问题
第二段：反面观点，然后加以反驳
第三段：正面观点，加以证明
最后一段总结一下

3WU

你这篇文章最明显的问题就是 问非所答。第一段就该直接回答 第一个问题，引出第二个回答。   反面正面都无所谓，这里的关键是，看不出是 “你”的 观点。这是才是核心问题。
第二段既然提出反对观点，那就要支持那个观点推开来例证，同一段内，你再提反对意见那就是自相矛盾。
第三段一开始就说“别人观点”。。。后面再例证，也都是离题。

关于结构： 建议你看看我在 新格咪咪 的帖子里提的关于文章结构的建议。

shan.gavin

原帖由 3WU 于 16-9-2010 13:14 发表

                               
登录/注册后可看大图

你这篇文章最明显的问题就是 问非所答。第一段就该直接回答 第一个问题，引出第二个回答。   反面正面都无所谓，这里的关键是，看不出是 “你”的 观点。这是才是核心问题。
第二段既然提出反对观点，那就要支持那个 ...

真是太感謝3WU了，分析得很在理。我再总结总结，然后再多加练习。多谢了！