大家帮着看看这作文能几分？

shan.gavin

In many countries，the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend make positive or negative effects to society？
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Nowadays, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing and some people think this trend makes positive effects so society, but others insists on opposite opinion. The debate has taken lots of spotlights recently. Personally, the later is more convincing, and I would qualify it to some extent.

I do believe the instantly increasing proportion of older people brings negative effects to society in many countries for multiple reasons. Out of those multiple reasons, the obvious one should be economic pressure brought by the trend. The life of older people should be supported by the governments since they are not eligible to support themselves independently. From this point, the governments have to expense more money than ever for supporting those older people, which brings stressful finance inevitably to the the governments. Besides, communal facilities have to be improved so that they become more convenient for those older people, thereby more investment are necessary for the improvement. Last but least, those older people don't have permanent jobs mostly, thereby they have much leisure time than young people.
The government should thinking about how their leisure time can be spent meaningfully, that introduce management difficulties to the local government.

On the other hand, it's not denied that increasing proportion of older people make positive effects to society. Those older people might take care their grandson or grand-daughter for their children since they have more leisure time after retire. It helps to not only strengthen the family harmony, but also release their children out of daily overload, thus for young
people to achieve more productivities from their work.

In summary, the tread of increasing proportion of older people in many countries brings more more negative effects than positive ones. However, I believe the situation can be improved rapidly with government's proper policy and guidance.

nil

不知道能得几分，看个开头就不想看了——不要照抄题目。。。you need to at least paraphrase一下吧。。。考官一看你都懒到这程度了。。。

hobtack

运气好能拿5.5吧。

pinxinge

基本同意楼上，粗看一下，语法有点问题。
举点例子：
Personally, the later is more convincing?
The government should thinking about?
Last but least?

shan.gavin

麻烦能给点评一下吗，那些地方能提高呢？

shan.gavin

我将第一段修改了一下，不知道这样会不会好点呢？

Nowadays, spotlight has been drawn on the increasing proportion of older people in many countries. Some people believe this trend produces positive effects to society, but others insist on opposite opinion. Personally, the later opinion is convincing, and I would qualify it to some extent.

I do believe the instantly increasing proportion of older people brings negative effects to society in many countries for multiple reasons. Out of those multiple reasons, the obvious one should be economic pressure brought by the trend. The life of older people should be supported by the governments since they are not eligible to support themselves independently. From this point, the governments have to expense more money than ever for supporting those older people, which brings stressful finance inevitably to the the governments. Besides, communal facilities have to be improved so that they become more convenient for those older people, thereby more investment are necessary for the improvement. Last but least, those older people don't have permanent jobs mostly, thereby they have much leisure time than young people. The government should think about how their leisure time can be spent meaningfully, that introduces management difficulties to the local government.

On the other hand, it's not denied that increasing proportion of older people make positive effects to society. Those older people might take care their grandson or grand-daughter for their children since they have more leisure time after retire. It helps to not only strengthen the family harmony, but also release their children out of daily overload, thus for young people to achieve more productivities in their work.

In summary, the tread of increasing proportion of older people in many countries brings more more negative effects than positive ones. However, I believe the situation can be improved rapidly with government's proper policy and guidance.

TWT

与作者朋友商榷

     --    ...this trend HAS positive effect ON societies.
     --    ...I believe the LATTER is MORE convincing. I would like to give my explanation. (逗号不能用来连接两个完  
               整 的句子。           为什么要用qualify这种似是而非的词呢？explanation, description, illustration有这么多的
               选择 呀！）
     --   ...I believe that the rising population of senior citizens in many countries would lead to a negative
              impact on societies. This view point is based on several reasons. (原句子用do来强调似乎没有必
              要，instantly不符合事实。原句子太冗长，又有do呀、instantly呀搅局，又没有用that连接词，”in many  
              countries" 放的位置不妥，用词重复（increasing,    proportion of older people, negative effect), 最后还跟一
             个for multiple reasons,完全没有依托。整个句子失去了英文的韵味，感觉英文不是这个样子的。作者是用英
             文单词 拼凑他心中的中文句子。）
   --    ...AMONG those reasons, ,,,
后面就不一一分析了，感觉作者乱用词，堆砌词藻，重复用词多，用英文写中文，
          -- stressful finance --> financial stress
          -- the life of older people should be supported --> elder people need support from government.
          -- they are not eligible to support themselves --> they are unable to support themselves ( 丢掉unable这么直
             白通顺的好词不用，要用eligible这种奇怪的词，呵呵？？）
          --Besides, communal facilities have to be improved so that they become more convenient for those older
             people, thereby more investment are necessary for the improvement.    --> facilities need to be
              established for the convenience of this elder group, resulting in the excessive expenses on the limited
             budget.
         -- it's not denied   --> it cannot be denied        or         it is not deniable
        -- Those older people might take care their grandson or grand-daughter  --> the elders could do (
             undertake,      perform ) childcare tasks.
        -- strengthen the family harmony   --> strengthen family ties.   (你真幽默， 河蟹）
        -- release their children out of daily overload  --> spare the childrens' parrents, the workforce, the
            burden of childcaring.
        -- proper policy  --> appropriate measures / effort