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标题: 三战终于七炸 Re:请各位大神帮忙看看，感谢大家，雅思需要七炸 [打印本页]

作者: wzhszh 时间: 24-1-2017 18:10
标题: 三战终于七炸 Re:请各位大神帮忙看看，感谢大家，雅思需要七炸
本帖最后由 wzhszh 于 30-6-2017 16:45 编辑

12月一战写作战败，离二战还有一个多月，请大神们帮忙看看这篇写作，提前感谢大家，祝大家新年快乐！
Topic:Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

When it comes to the impact of computers have on young generation, I completely agree with the opinion that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

It is true that young children could benefit from the use of computers in some ways. There are virtual tours and online museums, presenting vivid and authentic images, which expand youngsters’ worldview. For example, city children can pay virtual visits to farms and forests, while children in rural locations can learn about urban art. These visual experiences allow them to create new insights into the world. Moreover, playing computer games is a good way to develop children’s learning skills. When playing a game, youngsters may wonder which step comes next, or what the effects of different actions might be. This is helpful for their learning, especially in Math and Logical Reasoning.

Nevertheless, negative effects of using a computer everyday need to be emphasized. Children indulge themselves into the online world, which fosters antisocial behaviours. Spending too much time online, children may have less time to socialize or do exercise. It is definitely detrimental to their overall wellbeing. Apart from this, a virtual world is sometimes dangerous especially to children who possess less knowledge of true or false. For instance, children may imitate aggressive behaviours shown in video games. They may also have access to pornographic information without limitations. If children continued browsing these webpages without supervision, there would be more serious consequences.

To sum up, while it seems that computers provide sound benefits to the young generation, I personally believe that they are producing more issues, and effective supervision is in need.

作者: wzhszh 时间: 24-1-2017 18:15
本帖最后由 wzhszh 于 24-1-2017 18:30 编辑

感谢大家

作者: 西澳海豚 时间: 24-1-2017 20:52
[attach]413997[/attach]

上面是我用文法纠错软件所跑出来的错误，其实我是觉得无伤大雅。
我不是评分老师，不过这篇作文要拿七很难，中式英文很明显，
有些连接词看起来也不通顺，你自己试着念两次这篇文章？

其实我自己的英文学习方式是经由电视新闻，报纸，和杂志书籍来学习较多
因为自己大脑无法处理文法架构，所以只能用当地幼稚园小朋友的方式学习正确一般说法
所以当自己觉得奇怪的时候，自己知道该怎麽说，但是无法用文法解释------

像这句：

Spending too much time online, children may have less time to socialize or do exercise.
我觉得很不通顺阿！感觉句型不完整----
我可能会写成
When children addicted to online gaming, they are likely suffering from the disorder of mood, anxiety and attentional.

再强调一次，我学英文是没有学文法也没记单词，完全是用阅读和听力学的，相当不正规，不知可不可以给你参考？

作者: wzhszh 时间: 24-1-2017 21:57

西澳海豚发表于 24-1-2017 20:52
上面是我用文法纠错软件所跑出来的错误，其实我是觉得无伤大雅。
我不是评分老师，不过这篇作文要拿七 ...

谢谢你的点评
只是那个纠错软件略不靠谱，比如behaviours就是对的，behavior是美式用法
感谢你的时间，祝你新年快乐

作者: 不嗳说不 时间: 25-1-2017 13:20
Google的那个纠错其实还不错的，可惜国内好像用不了

作者: guopxbb 时间: 26-1-2017 01:16
google, facebook, twitter, youtube, 国内都用不了，最近新出政策，要严管私人的VPN的连接业务，对互联网的使用会越来越严的，baidu太烂不好用，唉！

作者: halleybachelor 时间: 12-3-2017 21:24
第一句语法错误。
应该是When it comes to the impact that computers have on young generation
或者When it comes to the impact of computers on young generation

impact和generation都应该用复数。

有些句子逻辑比较牵强，比如Children indulge themselves into the online world, which fosters antisocial behaviours.

有些是生造的词组，比如knowledge of true or false.

最后，Spending too much time online, children may have less time to socialize or do exercise.这句话是对的。

作者: wzhszh 时间: 30-6-2017 17:43
好久没来了，更新一下状态
2017.6.16查分，终于七炸成功。为了达到4个7半年时间考了三次，前两次都折在写作上，终于三鸭熟了，希望接下来一切顺利

作者: wzhszh 时间: 23-4-2018 12:10
更新一下状态，2018.2.12 PR granted
拿pr不是目标，只是让自己上了个平台，未来继续努力！

作者: 5years 时间: 23-4-2018 12:39

wzhszh 发表于 23-4-2018 11:10
更新一下状态，2018.2.12 PR granted
拿pr不是目标，只是让自己上了个平台，未来继续努力！

恭喜恭喜。楼主下一步是什么计划？

作者: vipzql 时间: 23-4-2018 15:03
恭喜楼主

作者: retirement 时间: 23-4-2018 15:37
万里长征开始了，希望你早日抵达延安并取得革命胜利。

作者: wzhszh 时间: 23-11-2018 09:19
更新状态，五月初和老公一起登陆悉尼，登陆后半个月我拿到了permanent part time offer，老公于八月初拿到permanent full time offer. 老公很喜欢他现在的工作，我的工作却不是我喜爱的，准备明年初重返校园～to be continued~~

作者: xiaoqing 时间: 23-11-2018 13:37
楼主拿了PR就来的安排最好。

作者: 5years 时间: 23-11-2018 20:05

wzhszh 发表于 23-11-2018 09:19
更新状态，五月初和老公一起登陆悉尼，登陆后半个月我拿到了permanent part time offer，老公于八月初拿到p ...

恭喜。

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