剑8第二套大作文求批

pawehu

题目: Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?
Has this become a positive or negative development?

正文:
The development of technology is proceeding at an astonishing rate and it has fundermentally changed our means of interacting with each other. This issue has become a source of constant debate.

Thanks to remote teaching, teacher-student relationship has gain a bigger development, because students are able to receive education at home, regardless of time and geographic limits. The result is that students can be from any corner of the world, and teacher could attend class anytime permitted. However this change would lead to the fade of teacher-student emotional bonding, as there are no strict class rules and dicipline, students are less likely to join face to face group discussion, thereby making their communication skills less compectitive.

Similarly, employer-employee relationship experience a considerable changes. The supervisor from headquarters can monitor subordinate office's employees performance, without having to travel oversea frequently. Also, with the increasing popularity of smart phones, businessman can store their business partners' contact information, hereby enlarging their social networks.

No surprisingly, the development of technology would pose a threaten to family cohesion. Though with the help of video calling, people are able to maintain contacts with their family even across the border, it is preceivable that it also make it less opportunity for people to sit in a table to have dinner. This is particularly the case that retired people are exposed to lonely feeling when their children are work in another cities.

In summary, the proliferation of advance technology, such as remote education, video calling, smart phone, has change our life pattern significantly, both in positive and negative side. The key is how we utilise these technologies to serve for us, rather than undermine our interpersonal relationship.

pawehu

抛弃模板，看成效如何

mirandahong

参考评分：7~7.5

段落布局较清晰，因科技发展而发生变化的三种关系是亮点，简洁明了且有见地，语言流畅，用词句式较成熟。

如果是我，我会倾向于在结尾或者开头处表明positive的观点。

pawehu

谢谢正面鼓励，8月24号二鸭，争取每日一篇求批改，楼上考鸭过了没？

keira2012

TR: 题目里面第一个问号楼主没有回答- 6
CC：7
Grammer:有小的语法错误 7
LR: 7
所以 6.5-7
楼主要一次就过7，一定要保证平时有7.5的水平

pawehu

请教，第一个问题是如何影响人们关系，我给出了可影响三种关系: 师生，雇主雇员，家庭关系，不是已回答了吗？

aoe1453

有好几个语法小错误，比如单复数，建议LZ注意。

Tingting2013

改这个很累啊，还被老板看见了，所以我就改了几段。
我觉得7份还是有差距的。建议看看step by step.
应为你的结构不清晰，supporting sentence没有支持住controling idea 如下面的 emotional bonding.
语法上复数要加强。

题目: Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?
Has this become a positive or negative development?

The development of technology is proceeding at an astonishing rate and it has fundermentally (fundamentally) changed our means of interacting with each other. This issue (什么issue?应该加上 of how technology affected people and whether it is a positive or negative development)has become a source of constant debate.(下面有点突然的进入分论点了，From my point of view, there are both advantages and disadvantages technology interact with peoples’ lives. )

Thanks to remote teaching, teacher-student relationship has gain(+ed)  a bigger (better) development, (.)  because (去掉) students are able to receive education at home, regardless of time and geographic limits. The (去掉.The 变从句which) result (+ed) is  (去掉)that students  (+teachers)can be (can be去掉) from any corner of the world, and teacher(去掉, and teacher) could attend class(at) anytime permitted. However (,) this change would lead to the fade of teacher-student emotional bonding(s), (.) as(As) there are no strict class rules and discipline(s)(可去掉，和emotional bonding没关系), students are (may be) less likely to join face to face group discussion, thereby making their communication skills less compectitive(spelling 用effective). (没延伸和老师的emotional bonding)

Similarly, employer-employee relationship experience a considerable changes. The supervisor from headquarters can monitor subordinate office's employees performance, without having to travel oversea frequently. Also, with the increasing popularity of smart phones, businessman can store their business partners' contact information, hereby enlarging their social networks.

No surprisingly, the development of technology would pose a threaten to family cohesion. Though with the help of video calling, people are able to maintain contacts with their family even across the border, it is preceivable that it also make it less opportunity for people to sit in a table to have dinner. This is particularly the case that retired people are exposed to lonely feeling when their children are work in another cities.

In summary, the proliferation of advance technology, such as remote education, video calling, smart phone, has change(+d) our life pattern(+s) significantly, both in positive and negative side(+s). The key is how we utilise these technologies to serve for us, rather than undermine our interpersonal relationship(这句话又展开新问题了，不应该，因为没有后文，喊个口号就行了).

pawehu

楼上太细心了，谢谢！

pawehu

另请问一般怎么喊口号？

aoe1453

keira2012 发表于 20-8-2013 10:42

                               
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TR: 题目里面第一个问号楼主没有回答- 6
CC：7
Grammer:有小的语法错误 7

这个有道理。我之前练习一直自信是7分的，考的时候时间紧张，结果只有6.5。

wisezmz

我给本文打分5.5，反正此文在考试中绝不会高于6。最大的问题在TR。

本题是混合型题目，In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make 属于report，要求总结、列举；Has this become a positive or negative development 属于essay，要求论述。很明显楼主仅解决了第一个report的要求，没有有效解答第二个要求。

我还以为楼主可能想把positve or negative的讨论放进每一个way里面，但后来发现除了最后一段，其他地方完全没有提及，且最后一段提出的观点是“both in positive and negative side”，模凌两可。缺少鲜明的观点、没有解决题目的全部问题，分数高极有限。而且文中还有不少语法、拼写错误，进一步拉低了评分。

请楼主记住，写作题目提出的问题全部都要给予同等重视，篇幅要相近，如果着墨轻重不一，意味着你没有读懂题目的真实要求。

pawehu

可以详细说下report和essay的区别吗？

wisezmz

pawehu 发表于 20-8-2013 14:40

                               
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可以详细说下report和essay的区别吗？

请看刘洪波的《最简化雅思写作》

imwahaha

楼上的各位好牛比，我乍一看感觉LZ比我写得好得多，感觉好象 7分没问题。原来还有这么多问题。。。