用我的亲身经历来告诉你【ex-gay / 改造同性恋】的真想

xblues

原文及评论：
http://prospect.org/article/my-so-called-ex-gay-life

                               
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第一部分：

Early in my freshman year of high school, I came home to find my mom sitting on her bed, crying. She had snooped through my e-mail and discovered a message in which I confessed to having a crush on a male classmate.

我大一，有一天回家，发现妈妈坐在床上哭泣。原来是妈妈偷偷翻看我的私人信件，她发现了我承认我对我们班的一个男同学有好感。

“Are you gay?” she asked. I blurted out that I was.

她大声质问我：你是同性恋么？

“I knew it, ever since you were a little boy.”

我就知道你是，你还是一个小孩的时候，我就知道你是。

Her resignation didn’t last long. My mom is a problem solver, and the next day she handed me a stack of papers she had printed out from the Internet about reorientation, or “ex-gay,” therapy. I threw them away. I said I didn’t see how talking about myself in a therapist’s office was going to make me stop liking guys. My mother responded by asking whether I wanted a family, then posed a hypothetical: “If there were a pill you could take that would make you straight, would you take it?”

我妈妈是一个不怕苦难的人，没有她解决不了的事情。第二天，她拿着一摞他从网站上打印的关于【逆转性取向】疗法，也就是【改造同性恋】机构的资料，仍在了我面前。我辩解说，我不认为把我的事情和心理医生讲，就会让我变成异性恋。我妈妈于是就问我，你难道不想要组成自己的家庭么【要是有那么一种药，吃了以后你就变成异性恋么，你要不要吃？】

I admitted that life would be easier if such a pill existed. I hadn’t thought about how my infatuation with boys would play out over the course of my life. In fact, I had always imagined myself middle-aged, married to a woman, and having a son and daughter—didn’t everyone want some version of that?

我承认如果有那种药吃了就让我变成异性恋，那我我早就吃了，这样我的生活或许会容易得多。我还没有想过因为我喜欢男孩子，将来会怎么样。实际上，我一直认为，当我到中年以后，我会和一个女人结婚生子，像一个正常人那样生活，这不就是每个人的梦想么？

“The gay lifestyle is very lonely,” she said.

我妈妈接着说：同性恋的人生是很凄凉悲惨的。

She told me about Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, a clinical psychologist in California who was then president of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), the country’s largest organization for practitioners of ex-gay therapy. She said Nicolosi had treated hundreds of people who were now able to live “normal” lives.

她说，有那么一个加利福尼亚的心理医生专门研究如何治愈同性恋的。他还开了一个全国最大的心理诊所。她还说这个医生已经成功治愈了上百例病人，这些人如今都可以过【正常人】的生活。

I read through the papers my mom had salvaged from the trash. They were interviews with Nicolosi’s patients, who talked about how therapy helped them overcome depression and feel “comfortable in their masculinity.” The testimonials seemed genuine, and the patients, grateful. I agreed to fly with my father to Los Angeles from our small town on the Arizona-Mexico border for an initial consultation.

我读了那些我妈妈从纸篓里面捡回来的资料，资料实际上是一些病人写给医生的感谢信，感谢逆转疗法是如何帮助这些病人克服内心的苦恼，如果帮助病人【找回做男人的勇气】。所有的感谢信看起来很真实，所有的病人听起来都是那么的充满感激。于是我同意和我父亲从我们的小镇一起飞到洛杉矶去治疗。

When my father and I first sat down, Nicolosi explained what he meant by “cure.” Although I might never feel a spark of excitement when I saw a woman walking down the street, as I progressed in therapy, my homosexual attractions would diminish. I might have lingering thoughts about men, but they would no longer control me.

我和我父亲第一次见到了医生，医生给我们解释他的疗法中，【治愈】的定义：随着治疗的深入，我可能永远不会对女人产生性冲动，但是我对同性的性吸引力会逐渐消失。我有可能还会有时候对男人有性冲动，但是我会学会如何控制自己的这种想法。

The Thomas Aquinas Psychological Clinic was on the 13th floor of a modern building on Ventura Boulevard, one of the San Fernando Valley’s main thoroughfares. Nicolosi’s corner office had emerald-green carpet and mahogany bookshelves lined with titles like Homosexuality: A Freedom Too Far and Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth. Middle-aged with thick, graying black hair, Nicolosi grew up in New York City and spoke with a faint Bronx accent. Brusque but affable, he put me at ease. When my father and I first sat down, Nicolosi explained what he meant by “cure.” Although I might never feel a spark of excitement when I saw a woman walking down the street, as I progressed in therapy, my homosexual attractions would diminish.

心理诊所位于一栋知名建筑的第13层，有一个很大的书架，书架上堆满了书籍：自由是那么的遥远--关于同性恋和政治的真相。医生是一个有着浓密头发的中年男子，生长在纽约，有着一口浓重的口音。

Nicolosi’s acknowledgment that change wouldn’t be absolute made the theory seem reasonable. His confidence in the outcome made me hopeful. Until I had spoken with Nicolosi, I had resigned myself to the idea that, desirable or not, my life would have to accommodate the fact that I was gay. But maybe this was something I had power over.

尽管治疗结果是没有绝对的把握的，我还是对医生有信心的。我认为不管主观上如何看待这件事，我是同性恋这是无法改变的事实。但是我有可能可以找到一种方法可以克服和控制我的性取向。

For the last half of the session, I talked with Nicolosi alone. “Tell me about your friends at school,” he said. I said I had two close female friends. “Male friends?” I admitted that I had always had trouble relating to boys my age. When I was in grade school, I preferred helping the teacher clean the classroom during breaks instead of playing sports.

心理咨询将近尾声，我终于得到了和医生单独谈话的机会。医生说：跟我聊一聊你在学校的伙伴们吧。我说，我有两个女性朋友。医生问：有没有男性朋友？我不得不承认说，我一直都感觉到很难和我的同龄人男性找到共同语言。比如在我还是一个小学生的时候，我就一直利用课间帮助老师打扫卫生为由，而避免和其他同学一起玩耍。

“Are you open to therapy?” Nicolosi asked. “If you don’t think this is working, you can stop anytime.”

你有考虑进一步治疗么？如果你感觉没有疗效，随时可以退出，医生说。

I agreed to start weekly sessions by phone. After our one-on-one meeting ended, I joined some of his other patients for group therapy. I was by far the youngest person there. The other men—four or five altogether—were in their forties and fifties and talked about their years in the “gay lifestyle,” which had yielded only unhappiness. They wanted normal, fulfilling lives. They were tired of the club scene, the drug use, the promiscuity; their relationships didn’t last; they complained that gay culture was youth-obsessed. If that was what being gay meant—and with 30-plus years on me, they would know—then I wanted to be normal, too.

我同意每周通过电话参与心理治疗。一对一谈以后，我还参加了一个多人成组的治疗课。我是所有人中年龄最小的。其他的人都是四十五十岁的男人，他们分享了他们过去的同性恋的生活经历，所有人都一致同意，他们过去的生活很不快乐。所有人都成人他们渴望能够正常的充实的人生。他们厌倦了夜总会和滥用毒品以及性滥交。他们的同居关系都不长久。他们还抱怨同性恋文化总是太过于痴迷于青春。如果所有这一切就是做了30多年的同性恋的生活经历，那么听起来我觉得我的确想要过正常人的生活。

I left the office with a copy of Nicolosi’s most recent book, Healing Homosexuality, and a worksheet that categorized different emotions under the rubrics of “true self” and “false self.” The true self felt masculine, was “adequate, on par,” “secure, confident, capable,” and “at home in [his] body.” The false self did not feel masculine, was inadequate and insecure, and felt alienated from his body. This rang true. I had been teased throughout my childhood for being effeminate, and as a lanky, awkward teen with bad skin, I certainly was not at home in my body.

我带着那本医生最近出的书：如何治愈同性恋。还有一个清单，上面详细列出了各种不同的情感，并且都被归类为【真我】和【假我】。【真我】的感觉是男子汉气概，充实的，安全的，自信的，有能力的，对自己的身体感到有自主权。【假我】就是缺乏男子汉气质的，充满了不安全感，和不自信，对自己的身体感到不适从。很有道理。我从童年起就因为我的行为举止很女性化而一直是别嘲笑的对象，等我张大一些，别人又因为我的皮肤瑕疵而嘲笑我。从这个经历上讲，我真的对自己对身体没有掌控。

Another sheet illustrated the “triadic relationship” that led to homosexuality: a passive, distant father, an overinvolved mother, and a sensitive child. I was closer with my mother than my father. I was shy. The story seemed to fit, which was comforting: It gave me confidence that I could be cured.

另外一个清单上写了关于【糟糕的家庭关系】可以导致孩子的同性恋倾向。例如，同性恋孩子通常很敏感和感性，并且有一个懦弱顺从的父亲，和一个强势的母亲。我和我母亲比和我父亲更加亲近一些，我也很害羞。这些卡片上描述的情形都很符合我的实际情况，因此，我对于治愈我的同性恋就更加有可信心。

According to Nicolosi, identification with a parent of the other gender is out of step with our biological and evolutionary “design.” Because of this, it was impossible to ever become whole through gay relationships. I wanted to be whole.

医生还说，基于生理和进化的原因，儿子和母亲的关系非常亲密，因此，同性伴侣关系无法提供完全的人生体验。我想要一个完整的人生。

On July 13, 1998—the same year I started therapy—a full-page ad appeared in The New York Times featuring a beaming woman with a diamond engagement ring and wedding band. “I’m proof that the truth can set you free,” she proclaimed. The woman, Anne Paulk, said that molestation during adolescence led her to homosexuality, but that she had been healed through the power of Jesus Christ. The $600,000 ad campaign—sponsored by 15 religious-right organizations, including the Christian Coalition, the Family Research Council, and the American Family Association—ran for several weeks in such publications as The Washington Post, USA Today, and the Los Angeles Times. Robert Knight of the Family Research Council called it “the Normandy landing in the culture war.”

我的心理治疗于1998年7月13日正是开始，纽约时报整版刊登了一个订婚广告，那上面有一个带着钻戒的女人和一个婚礼乐队。广告上说：我就是活生生的例子，真理让你自由！这个女人的名字是Anne，她是因为未成年性侵犯而导致了她成为同性恋。然而是基督耶稣救了她。这个60万美元的广告活动是由15个宗教权益组织赞助的，其中包括了Christian Coalition, the Family Research Council, and the American Family Association。这个广告成为了美国各大报纸The Washington Post, USA Today, and the Los Angeles Times的头版广告。美国保护家庭委员会的高管称，这次广告宣传活动是：文化战争的奴曼底登陆。

With few voices to challenge the testimonials, reporters transmitted them as revelation. Newsweek ran a sympathetic cover story on change therapy, and national and regional papers published ex-gays’ accounts. My mother might not have so easily found information about ex-gay therapy had the Christian right not planted this stake in the culture war.

只有极少数的对那些成功转换着的质疑的声音，新闻机构整篇报道了逆转疗法的神奇疗效，新闻周刊还刊登了一篇极具感染力的关于逆转疗法的文章。宗教报纸公开了【改造同性恋】机构列表。如果不是基督教开启了这场文化战争，我母亲或许没有可能这么及早的找到关于逆转疗法和改造同性恋的资料。

[ 本帖最后由 xblues 于 4-9-2012 16:03 编辑 ]

xblues

The ad appeared 23 years after the American Psychiatric Association (APA) declassified homosexuality as a mental illness. As a consequence of that decision, extreme forms of reorientation therapy—aversion therapy involving electrocution or nausea-inducing drugs, for instance—had stopped being used. A small group of therapists continued to practice talk therapy that encouraged patients to see homosexuality as a developmental disorder, but they remained on the fringe until the Christian right took up their cause. This was a calculated political move. Instead of fire-and-brimstone denunciations from the pulpit, the ex-gay movement allowed the Christian right to couch its condemnation of homosexuality in a way that seemed compassionate. Focus on the Family called its new ex-gay ministry Love Won Out and talked about healing and caring for homosexuals.

在美国心理健康联合会把同性恋是心理疾病的判断从词条中去掉的23年以后，我们居然还是看到了这些宣扬【同性恋逆转疗法】的广告。自从宣布同性恋不是心理疾病以后，很多极端的治疗方法，比如电机疗法和药物疗法被废除。仍然有一小部分心理医生从事着逆转同性恋性取向的治疗，他们把同性恋视为后天性心理发育不正常。直到右翼基督教组织重新拾起这件事情之前，这些心理医生都边缘化，不敢有大的动作。右翼基督教组织的这场针对同性恋的迫害是有组织有预谋的。与过去那种极端的迫害同性恋的方法不同，ex-gay运动赋予基督教组织采用表面温情化的手段来对付同性恋。ex-gay运动着重于家庭和亲情，用爱去感化，去治愈同性恋。

The ex-gay movement turned the rhetoric of gay rights against itself: Shouldn’t ex-gays be able to pursue therapy and live the lives they want without facing discrimination?

ex-gay运动，让同性恋平权面临一个难题：难道那些已经决定采用ex-gay疗法的同性恋，这些人不应的他们梦想的没有歧视的生活么？

The two largest groups that provide ex-gay counseling are Exodus International, a nondenominational Christian organization, and NARTH, its secular counterpart. If Exodus is the spirit of the ex-gay movement, NARTH is the brain. The organizations share many members, and Exodus parrots the developmental theories about same-sex attractions espoused by NARTH. Together with the late Charles Socarides, a psychiatrist who led the opposition to declassifying homosexuality as a mental illness, Nicolosi formed NARTH in 1992 as a “scientific organization that offers hope to those who struggle with unwanted homosexuality.” By 1998, the group was holding an annual conference, publishing its own journal, and training hundreds of psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors. Nicolosi remains NARTH’s most visible advocate.

ex-gay疗法的主要实施机构有两个：Exodus国际，一个无教派基督教组织，另外一个是NARTH，是一个非教会组织。如果把Exodus比作是ex-gay运动的精神领袖，那么Narth就是这场运动的指挥部。Exodus凡事都跟着Narth。心理学家Charles Socaides 对同性恋非心理疾病的观点持反对态度，1992年，Nicolosi帮助Narth提出了【科学机构对于那些在性取向这个问题上正在挣扎中的同性恋提供帮助】。1998年，这个组织还召开了年度大会，发表了日志，培训了上百个实施这一疗法的心理医生，物理治疗师，和咨询师。Nicolosi一直是Narth最活跃的支持者。

There are no reliable statistics for how many patients have received ex-gay treatment or how many therapists practice it, but in the late 1990s and early 2000s, ex-gay therapy enjoyed a legitimacy it hadn’t since the APA removed homosexuality from its diagnostic manual. Exodus had 83 chapters in 34 states. Its president, Alan Chambers, claimed in 2004 that he knew “tens of thousands of people who have successfully changed their sexual orientation.” Nicolosi appeared often on programs like Oprah, 20/20, and Larry King Live. Whether or not the Christian right’s alliance with the ex-gay movement had constituted a D-Day in the culture wars, it had successfully challenged the prevailing idea that the best choice for gay people was to accept themselves.

没有确切的统计数字证明ex-gay运动到底治疗了多少人，也可没有统计数字说明有多少心理医生参与了这一计划。从90年代末和21世纪初，ex-gay疗法享受到了自从美国心理健康协会从医学词典上把同性恋移除之后空前的合法地位。Exodus在美国34个州共拥有83个机构，2004年Exodus的负责人声称：他们已经成功的使上万人转变了性取向。Nicolosi经常书现在媒体上，比如Oprah访谈，20/20，Larry King Live等节目中。基督教和同性恋逆转疗法在这场文化战争中无疑取得了空前的胜利。他成功的挑战了当时那种认为：同性恋性取向是不需要改变的观点。

After our initial  meeting, I spoke with Nicolosi weekly by phone for more than three years, from the time I was 14 until I graduated high school. Like a rabbi instructing his student in understanding the Torah, Nicolosi encouraged me to interpret my daily life through the lens of his theories. I read in one of Nicolosi’s books, Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality, that he tries to position himself as a supportive father figure, typifying the sort of relationship that he believes his patients never had with their own father. I indeed came to see him this way.

自从我和Nicolosi 第一次面谈以后，我接受了为时三年的电话咨询，也就是从我14岁起直到高中毕业。Nicolosi交给我如何把他的理论实施于日常生活中。我还读了Nicolosi的一本书：男性同性恋逆转疗法。在书中，他把他自己描述成一个充满自信的父亲角色。我也确实是这么看待他的。

We mostly talked about how my damaged masculine identity manifested itself in my attractions to other boys. Nicolosi would ask me about my crushes at school and what I liked about them. Whether the trait was someone’s build, good looks, popularity, or confidence, these conversations always ended with a redirect: Did I wish I had these traits? What might it feel like to be hugged by one of these guys? Did I want them to like and accept me?

我们花了很多时间讨论我缺乏男子气质是如何体现于我对其他男孩的吸引力上。Nicolosi经常问起我，我在学校都喜欢上了哪个男孩，我都喜欢他们的那一点。不管我喜欢其他男孩的目的是出于被他们的强壮的身体，姣好的相貌，很受同学的欢迎，还是其他男孩的自信，谈话最终总是转移到：我是不是也希望我能够有那些我所羡慕的特性？假如这些我所爱慕的男孩过来给我一个拥抱，我是不是会很享受呢？我到底想不想被这些男孩子接受？

Of course, I wanted to be as attractive as the classmates I admired; of course, I wanted to be accepted and liked by them. The line of questioning made me feel worse. Nicolosi explained, session after session, that I felt inadequate because I had not had sufficient male affirmation in childhood. I came to believe that my attraction to men was the result of the failure to connect with my father. Whenever I felt slighted by my male friends—for failing to call when they said they would, for neglecting to invite me to a party—I was re-experiencing a seminal rejection from my father. Most guys, I was told, let things like that roll off their back—an expression of their masculine confidence—but I was hurt by these things because it recalled prior trauma.

当然，我一直梦想着能够像那些我所爱慕的男性同学一样富有吸引力。当然，我想要被这些我所爱慕的男孩所接受。每当我被问及这些问题的时，都让我感到很沮丧。Nicolosi解释说，之所以这么沮丧是因为在我的童年时，我没有受到足够的男性的那种肯定和支持。我开始相信，我对其他男孩的那种吸引力是由于我失败的父子关系。每当我稍有受挫，比如我的男性朋友没有按约定好的给我打电话，要请我去参加派对，那种感觉是重现我被我父亲拒绝的经历。大多数男孩都想男子汉一样很不在意这些被拒绝的感受，过一段时间就忘记了。但是我每次都对被拒绝而耿耿于怀是因为它总是让我回忆起以前被拒绝的痛苦经历。

My parents were surprised at how the therapy blamed them for my condition. Initially, Nicolosi had told them they were one of the cases that did not fit the mold of the “triadic relationship”—in other words, that my sexual orientation was not their fault. Once it became clear that Nicolosi held them responsible, they disengaged. They continued paying for therapy but no longer checked in with Nicolosi regularly or asked what he and I talked about. I was happy to defy my parents. Whether the grievance was that my curfew wasn’t late enough or that my parents didn’t give me enough money, I had a trusted authority figure validating every perceived injustice. Any complaint became evidence of how my parents had failed me.

我的父母对于心理疗法中把责任都推向了他们而感到很震惊。开始，Nicolosi 曾经已在告诉我父母，我是特殊案例，我的性取向不是我父母所造成的。一旦我父母了解到你coosi把责任都推向他们以后，他们感到很不以为然，但是他们还是继续为我的治疗支付费用，他们不再过问我治疗的细节，也不再和我一起参加治疗过程了。我开始也认为是我的父母造成了我的性取向上的困扰。

As I progressed in therapy, I felt that I was gaining insight into the source and causes of my sexual attractions.

随着治疗的开展，我更加有信心去找到我性取向异常的根源。

As I progressed in therapy, I felt that I was gaining insight into the source and causes of my sexual attractions. The problem was, they didn’t go away. At Nicolosi’s urging, I told my best friend that I had to distance myself from her. Instead, Nicolosi encouraged me to form “genuine nonsexual bonds” with other men. He paired me with another one of his patients, Ryan Kendall, who was my age and lived in Colorado. We spoke by phone every few days.

随着治疗的进一步开展，我觉得我开始了解导致我对同性有性吸引力的根源了。但是问题是，了解根源并不能够帮助我克服我对同性的好感。在Nicolosi的再三要求下，我告诉我的唯一的好朋友，我不得不疏远她。Nicolosi开始鼓励我去和其他男孩子培养友谊。他让我和他的另外一个和我同龄的病人接触，我们每个几天就通一次电话。

Most of our conversations were mundane. We talked about our friends and people we didn’t like, recounting every high-school travail and triumph. But we frequently deviated from the therapist-approved, buddy-buddy talk that was supposed to repair us. We flirted, a novel experience for me; there were no openly gay people at my high school. Ryan and I described what we looked like to each other. He said he had brown hair and eyes and was short but cute; I said I was tall and skinny (but left out my bad skin). We promised to send each other pictures, though we never did.

大多数时候，我们都谈论很普通的事情，我们经常不遵守Nicoliso 给我们的指导，话题经常偏离主题。我们甚至有时候在电话里调情，Ryan说他的眼睛和头发都是棕褐色的，他不高但是很可爱。我告诉Ryan，我又高又瘦，但是我没有告诉他我的皮肤很不好。我们承诺相互交换照片，但是实际上没有如愿。

“What would Nicolosi say?” we’d ask. It became a regular refrain, an acknowledgment that we were misbehaving. Part of the bond we developed was in our shared rebellion against our therapist. For me, it had less to do with opposing ex-gay therapy than with the giddy thrill of defying authority. Ryan was convinced that change was impossible—“Nicolosi’s a quack,” he once said. Despite my transgressions, I still believed in Nicolosi’s theory. But my relationship with Ryan evinced a larger problem: While I was uncovering how my relationship with my parents continued to shape my inner life, I was still attracted to men. I chatted with older guys on the Internet and on a few occasions met them.

要是Nicolosi知道我们的谈话经常偏离主题，他会怎么想呢？我们只见逐渐发展了一种共同抵触治疗的默契。对我来说，我倒不是反对同性恋逆转疗法，实际上就是有点逆反心理。Ryan却身心这种疗法是不管用的，Ryan说：Nicolosi是骗子。尽管他这么说，我还是对疗效深信不疑。但是，实际上我的问题是，即便是我了解到我的性取向是由于家庭关系造成的，但是和Ryan在一起，让我时常感到对同性的性吸引力，我与此同时，还和一些比我年纪大的男人在网上聊天，甚至见面。

I felt guilty about this but trusted Nicolosi enough to admit I had been “experimenting.” He told me to be careful of meeting men off the Internet but that I shouldn’t dwell on it or feel guilty. He said my sexual behavior was of secondary importance. If I understood myself and worked on my relationships with men, the attractions would take care of themselves. I just had to be patient.

我很相信Nicolosi，并把这件事情告诉了他，他说，我这是好奇导致的，他还让我对和男性网友见面小心一些，而且我不应该为我有这种想法而感到不安。他说如果我真正的理解了如何维系和男人的友谊，我就会自然而然的不会这么关注和其他男人的性行为了。我还需要耐心。

[ 本帖最后由 xblues 于 4-9-2012 16:23 编辑 ]

xblues

Late into my last year of high school, Nicolosi had a final conversation with my parents and told them that the treatment had been a success. “Your son will never enter the gay lifestyle,” he assured them.

在我高中的自一年，我的治疗结束了。Nicolosi告诉我父母：治疗很成功，你儿子今后再也不会重新拾起同性恋的生活方式了。

A few weeks later, our housekeeper caught me with a boy in our backyard. This marked the end of therapy for me. My parents were convinced it had failed because Nicolosi had blamed things on them rather than on my being teased by my male peers as a child. They sent me to another therapist. I had one session but refused to continue. While I still accepted Nicolosi’s underlying theory about why people were gay, I believed that all the talking in the world couldn’t change me. When I left for Yale, my mother sent me off with a warning: Were she to discover that I had “entered the gay lifestyle,” my parents would no longer pay for my education. “I love you enough to stop you from hurting yourself,” she said.

治疗结束以后的短短几周内，我们家的看门人抓到我和另外一个男孩在后院胡搞。我父母认为治疗是失败的，因为治疗集中在把责任推向他们，而不是深究我小时候经常被男性同龄人讥笑的经历。于是他们又为我找到了另外一个心理医生。我就尝试了一次治疗，就不肯再继续。我依然相信Nicolosi的关于为什么有人成为同性恋的解释，但是我也相信不可能有任何方式可以改变我的性取向。我开始上大学的时候，我妈妈警告我说：如果我发现你搞同性恋，我就终止给你支付学费。正是因为我太爱你了，我才不能够让你这么伤害自己。

In 2001, the year I started college, the ex-gay movement’s claims received a significant boost. In 1973, Columbia professor and prominent psychiatrist Robert Spitzer had led the effort to declassify homosexuality as a mental illness. Four years after Stonewall, it was a landmark event for the gay-rights movement. But 28 years later, Spitzer released a study that asserted change in one’s sexual orientation was possible. Based on 200 interviews with ex-gay patients—the largest sample amassed—the study did not make any claims about the success rate of ex-gay therapy. But Spitzer concluded that, at least for a highly select group of motivated individuals, it worked. What translated into the larger culture was: The father of the 1973 revolution in the classification and treatment of homosexuality, who could not be seen as just another biased ex-gay crusader with an agenda, had validated ex-gay therapy.

在2011年我开始上大学那一年，Ex-gay运动生成他们取得了空前的发展。1973年Columbia professor and prominent psychiatrist Robert Spitzer 领导了把同性恋从医学词典中非病化的运动。4年以后，也就是1977年，爆发了著名的标志着同性恋平权运动的石墙运动。然而，在28年后，Spitzer又发表了一片研究推翻了他以前的观点，他说性取向是逆转的。他的研究结果是基于采访了200例经过ex-gay疗法成功逆转的病人，但是研究并没有提到这种疗法在这些病人中的成功率。Spitzer得出的结论是，对于那些渴望要改变性取向的人中，疗法是成功的。他的研究结果在文化和在对同性恋的认知上的意义是：于1973年，奠定了同性恋非病化理论之父，作为一个不可能支持ex-gay疗法的的人，却承认了ex-gay疗法的疗效。

An Associated Press story called it “explosive.” In the words of one of Spitzer’s gay colleagues, it was like “throwing a grenade into the gay community.” For the ex-gay movement, it was a godsend. Whereas previous accounts of success had appeared in non-peer-reviewed, vanity, pay-to-publish journals like Psychological Reports, Spitzer’s study was published in the prestigious Archives of Sexual Behavior.

Spitzer 的新声明，被称为极具爆炸性的，Spitzer的一个同性恋同事称，就像往同性恋中扔了一颗手榴弹。而对于那些推崇ex-gay运动的人，无疑是上帝的福音。Spitzer 作为一个知名的过去曾经反对ex-gay疗法，并且奠定了同性恋非病化的人，竟然反过来承认ex-gay疗法的疗效，他的研究结果被广泛的引用和转载。

Spitzer’s study is still cited by ex-gay organizations as evidence that ex-gay therapy works. The study infuriated gay-rights supporters and many psychiatrists, who condemned its methodology and design. Participants had been referred to Spitzer by ex-gay groups like NARTH and Exodus, which had an interest in recommending clients who would validate their work. The claims of change were self-reports, and Spitzer had not compared them with a control group that would help him judge their credibility.

Spitzer的研究结果至今仍然被一些ex-gay组织机构作为证据来证明ex-gay的疗效。这项研究激怒了很多同性恋平权活动者和那些反对利用各种疗法治疗同性恋的心理学家。一些参与治疗者被ex-gay组织介绍给Spitzer，来评价疗效。那些对于疗效的声明都是来自病人自我说明，并没有严格的比较组来证实这项研究结果的可信度。

This spring, I visited Spitzer at his home in Princeton. He ambled toward the door in a walker. Frail but sharp-witted, Spitzer suffers from Parkinson’s disease. “It’s a bummer,” he said. I told Spitzer that Nicolosi had asked me to participate in the 2001 study and recount my success in therapy, but that I never called him. “I actually had great difficulty finding participants,” Spitzer said. “In all the years of doing ex-gay therapy, you’d think Nicolosi would have been able to provide more success stories. He only sent me nine patients.”

今年春天，我拜访了Spitzer本人，他年事已高，并且患有因为患有帕金森綜合症而行动不便，我告诉Spitzer，我于2001年接受了Nicolosi的ex-gay疗法治疗，Nicolosi认为我以被治愈。Spitzer 告诉我 Nicolosi，这是选送精心挑选的病人给我，我实际上根本找不到足够的病人来证明ex-gay疗法的疗效。

“How’d it turn out for you?” he asked. I said that while I stayed in the closet for a few years more than I might have, I ended up accepting my sexuality. At the end of college, I began to have steady boyfriends, and in February of last year—ten years after my last session with Dr. Nicolosi—I married my partner.

我告诉Spitzer，治疗大大拖延了我出柜的时间，治疗以后，我花了很多年去试图隐藏我的性取向，结果我还是选择接受了我是同性恋的事实。在大学快毕业的时候，我已经交一个男朋友。在我接受同性恋性取向逆转疗法的10年之后，我和我男朋友结婚了。

Spitzer was drawn to the topic of ex-gay therapy because it was controversial—“I was always attracted to controversy”—but was troubled by how the study was received. He did not want to suggest that gay people should pursue ex-gay therapy. His goal was to determine whether the counterfactual—the claim that no one had ever changed his or her sexual orientation through therapy—was true.

Spitzer解释说，我之所以屈从于ex-gay的那一方，是因为当时由于舆论的压力。我公布我的研究结果的目的并不是想建议同性恋应该接受逆转疗法，我的目的是为了找出是否那些声称性取向逆转疗法改变了性取向的案例是否是真实的！

I asked about the criticisms leveled at him. “In retrospect, I have to admit I think the critiques are largely correct,” he said. “The findings can be considered evidence for what those who have undergone ex-gay therapy say about it, but nothing more.” He said he spoke with the editor of the Archives of Sexual Behavior about writing a retraction, but the editor declined. (Repeated attempts to contact the journal went unanswered.)

他说，他的研究受到了很多批评，他并且成人很多批评是切实的。他说他的研究应该被用于证明那些接受了ex-gay疗法的人所描述的疗效，但是仅此而已。他说他曾经多次联系性行为档案杂志的主编，说他想要写一个关于研究结果的声明，但都遭到了拒绝。

Spitzer said that he was proud of having been instrumental in removing homosexuality from the list of mental disorders. Now 80 and retired, he was afraid that the 2001 study would tarnish his legacy and perhaps hurt others. He said that failed attempts to rid oneself of homosexual attractions “can be quite harmful.” He has, though, no doubts about the 1973 fight over the classification of homosexuality.

Spitzer说他对于自己把同性恋从心理疾病中除掉这件事感到很骄傲。如今80岁高龄已经退休的他，担心他于2001年的研究有可能不但会毁掉他的声誉，而且还会因此很多人受到伤害。他说对于尝试去改变性取向的失败案例是极具伤害性的。他对于1973年的对于同性恋非病化的所作所为毫无后悔。

“Had there been no Bob Spitzer, homosexuality would still have eventually been removed from the list of psychiatric disorders,” he said. “But it wouldn’t have happened in 1973.”

如果不是由于我的努力，同性恋最终还是会被从心理失常中去除，但是那就不一定是1973年发生了。

Spitzer was growing tired and asked how many more questions I had. Nothing, I responded, unless you have something to add. He did. Would I print a retraction of his 2001 study, “so I don’t have to worry about it anymore”?

临走以前，Spitzer嘱托我，是否可以代他写一份收回他2001年研究结果的声明，我答应了。

The ex-gay movement has relied on the Spitzer study as the single piece of objective evidence that therapy can work. The need for that evidence became more pressing in the early 2000s, when a cadre of gay-rights bloggers began to scrutinize the movement, ready to expose any hint of hypocrisy. There was plenty of material.

Spitzer在2001年的研究结果被ex-gay组织广泛用于证明其疗法的有效性，在2000以后的几年里面，被广泛转载。但是之后的同性恋权益活动者们对于这一运动找出了大量的疑点。

John Paulk, Love Won Out founder, chair of the board of Exodus International, and husband of Anne Paulk, was spotted and photographed at a Washington, D.C., gay bar. Richard Cohen, the founder of PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays)—intended as the ex-gay counterpart to PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)—was expelled from the American Counseling Association for ethics violations. Michael Johnston, the founder of “National Coming Out of Homosexuality Day,” was revealed to have infected men he’d met on the Internet with HIV through unprotected sex.

最著名的Ex-gay组织主席John Paulk被人发现光顾华盛顿的一家同志酒吧。Richard Cohen是另外著名ex-gay机构的创办人，由于生活作风问题，被美国家庭联合会开除。Michael Johnston 也是一家ex-gay机构的创始人，被发现由于非保护的同性恋性交而感染了艾滋病毒。

[ 本帖最后由 xblues 于 4-9-2012 19:07 编辑 ]

xblues

A member of NARTH’s scientific advisory board ignited controversy by suggesting that blacks were better off having been enslaved, which allowed them to escape the “savage” continent of Africa. Shortly thereafter, the board of NARTH removed Nicolosi, who was still president. In 2010 it was revealed that NARTH’s executive secretary, Abba Goldberg, was a con man who had served 18 months in prison.

Therapists associated with NARTH and Exodus were accused of sexually assaulting clients or engaging in questionable therapy practices. Among them were Alan Downing, the lead therapist of JONAH (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality), who made his patients strip and touch themselves in front of a mirror; NARTH member Christopher Austin, who was convicted of “unlawfully, intentionally and knowingly caus[ing] penetration of” a client; and Exodus-affiliated Mike Jones, who asked a patient to take off his shirt and do push-ups for him.

The movement also suffered several high-profile defections. John Evans, who had founded the first ex-gay ministry outside of San Francisco, renounced change therapy when a friend committed suicide after failing to become heterosexual. Former ex-gay Peterson Toscano, who was involved in the movement for 17 years, founded Beyond Ex-Gay, an online community for “ex-gay survivors.” In 2007, Exodus co-founder Michael Bussee apologized for his role in starting the organization.

In fact, they found that it runs the risk of making patients anxious, depressed, and at times suicidal.
Partly as a response to the resurgence of ex-gay therapy, mainstream professional organizations also took a harder stance. From 2007 to 2009, the American Psychological Association conducted a review of all the literature on efforts to change sexual orientation. Judith Glassgold, the chair of the task force that produced the report, said the group found no scientific evidence that ex-gay therapy works. In fact, they found that it runs the risk of making patients anxious, depressed, and at times suicidal. “It provided false hope, which can be devastating,” Glassgold said. “It harmed self-esteem and self-regard by focusing on the psychopathology of homosexuality.” The APA now tells its members they should not engage in the practice.

In the past few years, even Exodus has begun to show cracks in its support for ex-gay therapy. The organization has softened its rhetoric, encouraging its ministries to promote celibacy rather than change in order to live in concert with their religious values. The group no longer talks about “Freedom from Homosexuality”—its motto—but about the nobility of continuing to struggle against same-sex attractions.

Exodus has also begun to distance itself from NARTH. In September of 2011, Exodus removed references to Nicolosi’s books and articles from its website. In January, Exodus president Alan Chambers spoke at a meeting of the Gay Christian Network. When asked about the possibility of gay people changing their sexual orientation, Chambers—who’d once claimed that he knew of thousands of success stories—said “99.9 percent” of those who had attempted to rid themselves of same-sex attractions had failed.

There are other signs of decline. Attendance at Focus on the Family’s Love Won Out conference, the movement’s largest annual gathering, has dropped. Focus on the Family recently sold Love Won Out to Exodus. Ex-gay activists have less of a presence at religious-right events. Twenty years after NARTH’s founding, the movement has lost its luster.



I’ve come to know a number of Nicolosi’s former patients and others who underwent therapy with NARTH members. Part of an informal alumni network of ex-gay dropouts, we see one another occasionally at conferences and interact in the blogosphere. Perhaps the best known is Daniel Gonzales, who writes for the website Box Turtle Bulletin.

Nicolosi had also asked Daniel to participate in Spitzer’s study. When Daniel left therapy, he thought he had gained valuable insight into his condition but eventually gave up trying to resist his same-sex attractions. “I wasted one and a half years of my life on the therapy,” he said. “For a long time, the things Nicolosi said about gay relationships continued to haunt me.” His relationships with men continually failed because he was convinced, as Nicolosi had told him, that they would fall apart as soon as he began to feel comfortable with them, at peace with his masculine self.

Nicolosi’s ideas did more than haunt me. The first two years of college, they were the basis for how I saw myself: a leper with no hope of a cure. I stayed in the closet but had sexual encounters with classmates nonetheless. I became increasingly depressed but didn’t go to mental-health counseling for fear that a well-meaning therapist would inform my parents that I was living the “gay lifestyle.”

I planned for what I would do if my parents decided to stop paying my tuition. I would stay in New Haven and get a job. I would apply for a scholarship from the Point Foundation, which gives financial aid to gay kids whose parents have disowned them. I would not go back to Arizona. I would not see an ex-gay therapist.

I spent hours in front of the window of my third-story room, wondering whether jumping would kill or merely paralyze me. I had a prescription for Ambien and considered taking the entire bottle and perching myself on the ledge until it kicked in—a sort of insurance.

I am not sure how it all came to a head. Perhaps it was academic pressure combined with the increasing conflict between my ideals and my behavior. But in the spring of my sophomore year, the disparate parts of myself I had managed to hold together—the part of me that thought being gay was wrong, the part that slept with men anyway, the part of myself I let the world see, and the part that suffered in silence—came undone. I slept in 20-minute spurts for two nights, consumed with despair. I eyed the prescription bottles on my dresser with anxious excitement. I had reached a point at which I feared myself more than what would happen if I were gay.

xblues

Realizing how close I was to impulsively deciding to kill myself, I went to the college dean’s office and said I was suicidal. He walked me over to the Department of Undergraduate Health, and I was admitted to the Yale Psychiatric Hospital. During  the intake interview, I had a panic attack and handed the counselor a handwritten note that said, “Whatever happens, please don’t take me away from here.” I had signed my full name and dated it. More than anything, I feared going home.

It was gray and cold my first night at the hospital. I remember looking out the window of the room I was sharing with a schizophrenic. Snow covered the ground in the enclosed courtyard below. Restless, I gathered a stack of magazines from the common area and flipped through the pages, noticing the men in the fashion advertisements. I tore out the ads and put them in a clear plastic file folder. I lay down in bed and held the folder against my chest. “It’s OK, it’s OK, it’s OK,” I murmured.

I indeed had to go home for a year before returning to school. By then my father, who flew to New Haven the day I committed myself, realized that therapy—and the pressure he and my mother had placed on me—was doing more harm than good. “I’d rather have a gay son than a dead son,” he said.

The ordeal was a turning point. While it took years of counseling to disabuse myself of the ideas I had learned while undergoing therapy with Nicolosi, it was the first time I encountered professionals who were affirming of my sexuality, and the first time I allowed myself to think it was all right to be gay.

Ryan, my therapy partner, was even more deeply affected. Two years ago, I came across his name in transcripts of the lawsuit against California’s ban on same-sex marriage, Proposition 8, in which he testified about the harm therapy with Nicolosi had caused. Afterward, I friended him on Facebook.

We recently met in person for the first time at a restaurant on Manhattan’s West Side. It had been 12 years since we’d last spoken on the phone. At 28, Ryan had just moved to New York City from Denver to start his undergraduate studies at Columbia. He looked like he does in his Facebook pictures: solid and short, with a shaved head and large brown eyes.

Ryan had initiated dependency-and-neglect proceedings against his parents at age 16 to escape ex-gay therapy. That’s when we fell out of touch. He dropped out of high school and lived intermittently with friends, then with his brother until his house was foreclosed on. Ryan had been homeless at times. He had a series of short-term jobs and for a period dealt drugs to make money but was broke most of the time. For food, on a few occasions, he filled a shopping cart with items and then ran it out of the grocery store. “I was beyond control,” he said. “Something just broke in me. I was trying to destroy myself because I had internalized all the homophobia from therapy.”

When did things turn around for him? A few years ago, he said, he landed a job working in an administrative-support position at the Denver Police Department. It was then that he started getting involved in gay-rights causes. “The Prop. 8 lawsuit was the first time I felt people really believed in me,” he says. “I was surrounded by smart, important people, and they paid attention to me.”

I could relate to that: Being at Yale was the first time I felt validated by smart, important people. I asked Ryan what he would say to Nicolosi if he were at the table.

“I’d ask him why he doesn’t just stop.”



I couldn’t help wondering what Nicolosi would say to me, or Daniel, or Ryan. Does he feel as though he failed us? Does he think we failed him? Has hearing the stories of his former patients posted all over YouTube and the blogosphere changed his thinking? I decide to call him to find out.

I am anxious about talking to Nicolosi again, afraid of what our conversation might bring back. He knew me as an adolescent better than my parents or friends did.

When I first reach Nicolosi on the phone, he says he remembers me well and that he is surprised that I “went in the gay direction. You really seemed to get it.” The conversation is quick. He is between clients, so we arrange to speak a few days later.

I call and tell him I’m recording our conversation. “I’m recording too,” he jokes, “in case you say, ‘Nicolosi said that gays are sick weirdos and they’re perverted and they all should go to hell.’”

I chuckle. He’s just as I remember him—irreverent, warm. He says he’s been thinking about me since I called. I ask why, if he was so sure I had “got it,” I never experienced change in my sexual orientation.

Nicolosi says his techniques have improved—now his patients focus more on the moment of sexual attraction instead of speaking generally about the cause of homosexuality. Therapy, he says, has become more effective. But part of the reason it failed for me, he says, was also that I was stuck: There were not men I could bond with, and my parents did not understand me. It’s the same thing he told me throughout high school.

What about people who don’t fit his model? “After almost 30 years of work, I can say to you that I’ve never met a single homosexual who’s had a loving and respectful relationship with his father,” he says. I had heard it all before.

I’m thinking, as he speaks, that for all his talk about understanding the homosexual condition, what it feels like to be gay is beyond Nicolosi’s experience. For him, changing one’s sexual orientation is a hypothetical proposition. He’s never lived it. Only his patients have had to face the failure of his ideas.

I mention Ryan and tell Nicolosi he blames him for destroying his family. Nicolosi says he doesn’t remember Ryan. But he is defensive about taking any responsibility. “For all this concern about how I damage people, where is the damage? We’re currently treating 137 people. Over 30 years, don’t you think there’d be a busload of people who are damaged?”

I asked him what he remembers about me. “All I can do is visualize a teenager in his room in a hot small town,” he says. “You would talk to me about the loneliness, the kids at school—you really had no friends. You desperately wanted to get out.”

He is trying to draw me out, get me to talk to him openly. He is the therapist, and I am once again his patient. I am reticent. I tell him I did end up leaving Arizona.

“And I encouraged you, right?” he says. “Quite honestly, Gabriel, I hope you see me as someone who didn’t make you feel worse about yourself, someone who did not force you to do or believe anything about yourself that you didn’t want to.”

It’s true that while in therapy, I did not feel coerced into believing his theories. Like nuclear fallout, the damage came later, when I realized my sexual orientation would not change. I could have told Nicolosi about my thoughts of suicide, my time in the mental institution. I could have told him that my parents still don’t understand me but that I’m grown up now and it has less of a bearing on my life. I could have told him that I married a man. But I realize it wouldn’t be of any use: I’ve changed since I left therapy, but Nicolosi has not. For years I shared my innermost thoughts and feelings with him. Now I want to keep this for myself.

black_zerg

这只能说明目前我们没有可靠的技术来转换性取向，和你的投票关系不大吧。

xblues

这只能证明你这个人没有心肝。