大家帮忙看看这两篇写作能给多少分？能到6不

baby_olivexueda

1.        You borrowed some books from your school or college library. Unfortunately you have to go away to visit a sick relative and cannot return the books in time.
Write a letter to the library. Explain what has happened and tell them what you want to do about it.
You should write at least 150 words.
You do NOT need to write your own address.
Begin your letter as follows: Dear _______

Dear sir/madam,
I am writing to you in regarding of some books borrowed from the college library on Tuesday this week. According to the conditions, I should return them in 2 weeks, that means it should be returned by Tuesday, July 14,2009. Unfortunately, I just got this notification today, it says that my grandfather is very sick, there is a great possibility that he can’t surrive this heartattack. I love him very much and I must see him this time or I’ll have no chance any more. Because of this reason, I’ll go back to home for about 3 weeks. That makes me can’t return the books in time.

I hope that you could help me to extend the time, so that I can keep it for an addition week. If it can’t be done, I’m willing to pay the penalty for the late return.

The books I borrowed are:
   How to win friend and influence people, ISNXXXXX
   Computer science, ISNXXXX
Yours faithful
Simon

2.        Some governments say how many children a family can have in their country. They may control the number of children someone has through taxes.
It is sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the population in this way.
Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer.

The planet is becoming over populated, it holds more than 5 billion people now, and the number is growing everyday. It is worried that if the population continues to grow is the current spend, we can’t find enough resources to support the economy. This problem is especially dominent in some countries such as China and India.

Some governments take the population problem as a serious one, and they are taking necessary action to control the birth rate. For example, Chinese government is exeuting a policy that says female should get married after 20, male can’t before 22,and each family could only have one child, or there will be a punioh fee applied. Some other countries also have similar policym in the hope of keep the population rate down.

There are various reasons to control the population. First of all, a person will consume tons of food, cloth, water, during his/her whole life. On the other reason, increase in the population will raise the burden on the education system, medical system and economy system. If the population enbarges too fast, it may become a disease for to the whole country.

While the birth control is executed for several decades some negative effects is drawing the public’s attention. They found that the whole country is aging. It means there are more old people than young ones, because of low birth rate and higher death age. In a aged society, old people can’t get enough care, factories and companies are becoming chort of labors. This makes the economy growth slowed down.

In my opion, it si definitely necessary for some ower populated countries to control the birth rate. But they should be very careful about this issue. A measure of the birth rate should be watched, so that the population won’t grow too fast while the economy can continue to run in a healthy condition.

baby_olivexueda

哪位好心的高手帮帮我啊

毛桩桩

实话实说，LZ不要扔砖头～～～

5.5~6之间

存在的问题有：

用词罗嗦、段落结构不明确、主题思想不明确、再加上若干小语法用词错误

smallmoon

我的作文也不太好。但雅思作文的经验。
总分总。 外国人的习惯直接提出论点。再分述。观点要明确，要让看的一眼看出你的观点。再根据观点分述。不要写了半天还没有表达清楚你的观点。
最后再一次强述你的观点。
用什么，firstly, secondly, last but not the least. 及强烈的转拆词，however, as well as 之类都是比较有用的，虽然有点俗，但是是六分的保证。

[ 本帖最后由 smallmoon 于 7-7-2009 18:36 编辑 ]

desert119

小作文我觉得太罗嗦， 太煽情了，生离死别也出来了。


Some governments say how many children a family can have in their country. They may control the number of children someone has through taxes.
It is sometimes necessary and right for a government to control the population in this way.
Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer.


我觉得大作文跑题了呀。 人家问你zf通过征收额外的税收来控制生育，你同意否？  
你全篇讲的是一定要控制下人口，但是控制人口又有坏处，就算你要论述地球控制人口问题， 你也没有提出你的论点呀。 还有就是什么中国法定婚缘年龄貌似你胡诌的吧。

写这类一般折中的话题，你开始第一段就把论点写出来吧。

熊猫阿三

我觉得6分悬

stophen

还有一个重要因素，你觉得你在1小时里能够写出来吗。考场上你会发现时间很紧。书信貌似字数偏少。

diydiy

MS有点悬

fredliu

小作文5.5，大作文5。
词汇量尚可，但用错词和语法错误太“丰富”了；
大作文偏题严重，根本没抓住“是否应该通过提高征税来控制人口出生”的问题。

小作文：
问题答复：6，逻辑连贯：5，语法和句式：5，词汇：5
大作文：
问题答复：5，逻辑连贯：5，语法和句式：5，词汇：5

Holisong

i ll use capital letters for corrections

I am writing to you in regarding(should be "IN REGARDS TO some book.... or rREGARDING some books...') of some books borrowed from the college library on Tuesday this week. According to the conditions(tems and conditions ), I should return them in 2 weeks, that means it should be returned by Tuesday, July 14,2009. Unfortunately, I just got this notification today THATsays that my grandfather is very sick, there is a great possibility that he can’t surrive this heartattack. I love him very much and I must see him this time or I’ll(when you use "will" it means you are very sure...instead of "will"  use "may" )you  have no chance any more. Because of this reason, I’ll go back to home for about 3 weeks  (That makes me) --THAT MEANS I can’t return the books in time.

I hope that you could help me to extend the time, so that I can keep it for an addition(ADDITIONAL OR EXTRA) week. If it can’t be done, I’m willing to pay the penalty for the late return.

Holisong

The planet is becoming over populated, it holds more than 5 billion people now, and the number is growing everyday. It is worried(WORRISOME) that if the population continues to grow is( AT )the current spend(PACE), we can’t find ,THERE WILL NOT BE enough resources to support the economy. This problem is especially dominent(PROMINENT) in some countries such as China and India.

Some governments take(VIEW) the population problem as a serious one, and they are taking necessary action(ACTIONS-PLURAL ...UNLESS YOU THINK THERE'S ONLY ONE ACTION REQUIRED TO TACKLE THE PROBLEMS) to control the birth rate. For example, Chinese government is exeuting(SPELLING) a policy that says female should get married after 20, male can’t (USE SHOULD NOT GET MARRIED-COMPLETE  THE SENTENSE PROPERLY)before 22,and each family could only have one child, or there will be a punioh??? fee applied. Some other countries also have similar policym in the hope of keep(KEEPING) the population rate down.

There are various reasons to control the population. First of all, a person will consume tons of food, cloth, water, during his/her whole life. On the other reason, increase(INCRESES OR THE INCREASE)  in the population will raise the burden on the education system, medical system and economy system. If the population enbarges ???too fast, it may become a disease(REPLACE WITH A BETTER WORD LIKE HUGE PROBLEM) for to the whole country.

While the birth control is (HAS BEEN)executed for several decades some negative effects is (ARE OR HAVE BEEN)drawing the public’s attention. They found(HAVE FOUND OR FIND) that the whole country is aging. It means there are more old people than young ones, because of low birth rate and higher death age(NOT ENGLISH,USE HIGH LIFE EXPECTANCIES). In a aged society, old people can’t get enough care, factories and companies are becoming chort ??? SPELLING of labors. This makes the economy growth slowed down.(MIXING PAST TENSE AND PRESENT TENSE-TRY -THIS MAKES THE ECONOMY GROWTH SLOWS DOWN)

In my opion//SPELLING, it si definitely necessary for some ower populated countries to control the birth rate. But they should be very careful about this issue. A measure of the birth rate should be watched, so that the population won’t grow too fast while the economy can continue to run in a healthy condition

TOO MANY SPELLING ERRORS,YOU MAY A GET A 6 FOR YOUR ESSAY

Holisong

agree with others that you are deviating from the subject - to control population growth through taxes--you should explore  and expand on this more...

Holisong

correction--THIS MAKES THE ECONOMY GROWTH SLOWS DOWN) should be "THIS MAKES THE ECONOMY GROWTH SLOW (NOT SLOWS DOWN)