小作文求修改之二

fht99

Thanks in advance
the sentences in red color are probably not native, but I am stuck. I failed to some more better works to express.
Task1
You and your family are living in a rented accommodation in an English-speaking country. You are not satisfied with the condition of some of the furniture.
Write a letter to the landlord. In your letter
-introduce yourself.
-explain what is wrong with the furniture.
-say what action you would like to the landlord to take.

Dear Mr. Smith,
How is everything going? This is Rudy, who rent your two-story house locating in the Apple community. It is a nice house overall. However, there are really some problems regarding the furniture. So I am writing to bring these matters to your attention.

The most urgent issue is with the stair, which we find is not as stable as it was. When I walk on it, some strange sounds come out. In addition, an apparent deflection in the middle of the stair can be noticed. I don’t think it is strong enough to sustain the weight of two adults or more. We try to reduce the chances to use the stair, but we have to since we can’t go upstairs without it. Apart from that, there is something wrong with the door of kitchen. It works well sometimes while it doesn’t sometimes. I was once locked inside the kitchen and had to call someone else to open it outside.

Since the stability of the stair is of prime importance, I urge that you have it repaired or replaced as soon as possible. If you are too busy to handle this matter, I could do instead. Could you pay for the cost of the repair accordingly?
I will appreciate it if you could reply to my letter promptly.

Yours sincerely,
Rudy  

yearshappy

Glad to see TZ coming to 英语交流版

Dear Mr .. ..

I am writing you .... ( briefly list your main complaints as the paragraph 1)
(Smith's not your friend, so better to take out  'How ...going' )

Problems in details ( paragraph 2 )

Your requirement / suggestions ( para 3 )

....
...

yearshappy

furniture  - sofa, lounge, table, chair...

distantmusic

我觉得这篇写的比上篇好，我要是考官就给7分，呵呵。

1. 不过我感觉你这两篇都是情态动词用的不是很准确，比如
I will appreciate it if you could reply to my letter promptly.我觉得说I would appreciate it更好些，因为感谢是基于假设人家及时回复的基础上的，所以有虚拟的意思.还有我觉得直接说reply me是不是更简单直接些？

2. When I walk on it, some strange sounds come out. 如果是我会说when walking on it, I could hear some funny noises

3. We try to reduce the chances to use the stair, but we have to since we can’t go upstairs without it. 我会说 We thought about reducing the chances of using the stairs, but we couldn't as our bedroom is upstairs

4.对了，另外stairs一般应该用复数吧？除非你指定是哪节台阶出了问题

5.所以I don’t think it is strong enough to sustain the weight of two adults or more. 应该是they are not strong enough to sustain the weight of more than 2 adults.另外其余我觉得都应该变成stairs

6. It works well sometimes while it doesn’t sometimes. 我会说 sometimes it works well while other times it does not，或者it works well sometimes while it does not at other times

7. Apart from that, there is something wrong with the door of kitchen （我觉得kitchen前应该加the）

[ 本帖最后由 distantmusic 于 4-5-2012 23:15 编辑 ]

fht99

1. 不过我感觉你这两篇都是情态动词用的不是很准确，比如
I will appreciate it if you could reply to my letter promptly.我觉得说I would appreciate it更好些，因为感谢是基于假设人家及时回复的基础上的，所以有虚拟的意思.还有我觉得直接说reply me是不是更简单直接些？
应该用would，当时没有仔细琢磨
根据我查证，reply 做动词 时后面只能 加to something. 或者什么都 不加， 那可以这样说， if you could reply promptly.
2. When I walk on it, some strange sounds come out. 如果是我会说when walking on it, I could hear some funny noises
要是读者是朋友 的话，funny更好，读书者是房东。。。funny是个好词。。

3. We try to reduce the chances to use the stair, but we have to since we can’t go upstairs without it. 我会说 We thought about reducing the chances of using the stairs, but we couldn't as our bedroom is upstairs
没悟到较大区别。


4.对了，另外stairs一般应该用复数吧？除非你指定是哪节台阶出了问题
STAIRS！

5.所以I don’t think it is strong enough to sustain the weight of two adults or more. 应该是they are not strong enough to sustain the weight of more than 2 adults.另外其余我觉得都应该变成stairs
stairs 是复数，但还是一个楼梯吧？我想表达，两人及以上 的重量，不确定native与否
6. It works well sometimes while it doesn’t sometimes. 我会说 sometimes it works well while other times it does not
在google上搜到有这么说的。 sometimes it works well, but sometimes not.不确定native与否

7. Apart from that, there is something wrong with the door of kitchen （我觉得kitchen前应该加the）

distantmusic

2.我觉得无论是给朋友写信，还是给房东写信，都是非官方的信件。另外funny这个词用在这里的意思是这样的：Strangely or suspiciously odd （free online dictionary）
3.我觉得应该用过去式，另外你这个since我觉得用的比较比别扭。另外如果你说try to的话就是说你去尝试了，但是你又不得不用楼梯上楼，所以我觉得用thought about逻辑更加清晰些，也就是说你考虑过这种方案，但是不可行
6.我觉得你修改后的说法可以，但是说过如你原文所述，第二个sometimes放在那里就比较别扭了

yearshappy

原帖由 fht99 于 4-5-2012 23:31 发表

                               
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6. It works well sometimes while it doesn’t sometimes. 我会说 sometimes it works well while other times it does not
在google上搜到有这么说的。 sometimes it works well, but sometimes not.不确定native与否
  ...

I suppose that your sentence could be easily understood by native English speakers.
However, Distantmusic's one sounds better.   

I got another point to make with you
As a general rule, people tend to avoid repeating a word in a sentence.
And we are talking about EXAM condition...

[ 本帖最后由 yearshappy 于 8-5-2012 19:41 编辑 ]

fht99

I have no idea what you are talking about

yearshappy

原帖由 fht99 于 8-5-2012 13:17 发表

                               
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I have no idea what you are talking about

  Let me put it in this way
Try not to use the same word twice in a sentence.