能否帮忙评估一下雅思大作文？我必须写作上7分

polofire

小作为估计中规中矩，不会有大问题。我最近看了不少范文，然后今天掐时间写了一个。一共37分钟，再敲进来的时候发现了好多语法错误，觉得很不应该但我都保留在里面了。估计这也是我连续几次6.5的原因之一了。请老雅思们百忙之中来个peer review? 谢谢。我本周末考试。

Analyze the pros and cons of utilizing computers in fundamental and middle schools.


Since invented less than 60 years ago, computers are playing an increasingly important role in the modern society. Today computers is not only an efficient tool for adults to finish their jobs but also enter the classrooms and assist the teachers in their teaching activities. Someone concerns that the extensive utilization of computers rather than the traditional pencils and plays may affect the effects of education negatively, especially for the students in fundamental and middle schools. This argument does have its ground. However, there is no a simple answer to this question in my opinion.
To begin with, it is commonly accepted that the introduction of computers during the education could definitely intrigue the interests of children. Compared with the traditional text books, the computers can provide easier access to all kinds of knowledge sources. For instance, looking up a new English word used to take at least 2 minutes using paper dictionary but the same term could be looked up virtually immediate at the touch of fingertip. The computers can accommodate knowledge in the form of multimedia, such as pictures, animations as well as sounds. The multimedia will greatly facilitate the understanding of difficult concepts, especially in the field of science and technology. For example, playing an animation file on screen to illustrate the three Laws of Newton is much more understandable than the explanation in words the young students.
However, everything comes with a price and the computers can’t be excluded, either. The utilization of computers will also bring some undesired effects to the young students. First of all, it is noticed that the new generation of students have a much high ratio of poor handwritings. In the old fashion, the students are not only required to write down their thoughts or answers to questions clearly but also neatly, which could essentially force the students to improve their writings so that the instructors could read and grade. However, in the era of computers, this issue no long exists as many students prefer to key in the answers and then print out. We can’t say that this is absolutely wrong but good and stylish handwriting should be highly valued after all. The mass usage of computers in education is resulting in the disappearance of good handwriting. Another possible negative impact of computers on students is that they are changing the way of thinking of young students. To be an independent and creative thinker, a student supposes to think by himself how to solve a new problem. However, the excessive usage of computers has made the first thought of most young students when coping with problems search on line. As a result, there are more “followers” than “thinkers” among the new generation of students and this will impair the progress of society eventually.
To sum up, there are pros and cons when tackling the issue of using computers in education. We should not prohibit the usage of computers but should be aware that there is a need for more discussion on how to maximize the benefits of computers and minimize the adverse impact on our education of young students.

qianqian0424

原帖由 polofire 于 17-10-2011 14:26 发表

                               
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小作为估计中规中矩，不会有大问题。我最近看了不少范文，然后今天掐时间写了一个。一共37分钟，再敲进来的时候发现了好多语法错误，觉得很不应该但我都保留在里面了。估计这也是我连续几次6.5的原因之一了。请老雅思 ...

我就会给人挑错，水平估计还没你高
第一段
Today computers is not only an efficient tool for adults to finish their jobs but also enter the classrooms and assist the teachers in their teaching activities.
computers到底想作为单数还是复数？前半句用is，后半句的动词又没有用第三人称单数形式，前后矛盾。
最后一句，However, there is no a simple answer to this question in my opinion.好像要不然把a去掉，要不把no改成not。

qianqian0424

第二段
For example, playing an animation file on screen to illustrate the three Laws of Newton is much more understandable than the explanation in words the young students.
the young students前面是不是少个介词呀？

qianqian0424

第三段
First of all, it is noticed that the new generation of students have a much high ratio of poor handwritings.
我感觉much后面应该用higher。
However, in the era of computers, this issue no long exists
应该用no longer吧。
To be an independent and creative thinker, a student supposes to think by himself how to solve a new problem.
我感觉应该是a student is supposed to think，how前面应该加个介词。

qianqian0424

第三段
However, the excessive usage of computers has made the first thought of most young students when coping with problems search on line.
我感觉你是想说：由于电脑的过度使用，大多年轻学生们在思考问题的时候习惯性的第一个反应就是在网上寻找答案。
但是这句话读起来感觉哪里怪怪的。

qianqian0424

总的来说，比我写得好

xiaoxiaoca

qianqian这么有积极性。鼓励一下

sunnyclh1211

Since invented less than 60 years ago, computers are playing an increasingly important role in the modern society. Today computers is not only an efficient tool for adults to finish their jobs but also enter the classrooms and assist the teachers in their teaching activities. Someone may concerns that the extensive utilization of computers rather than the traditional pencils and plays may affect the effects of education negatively, especially for the students in fundamental and middle schools. This argument does have its ground. However, there is no a simple answer to this question in my opinion.
To begin with, it is commonly accepted that the introduction of computers during the education could definitely intrigue the interests of children. Compared with the traditional text books, the computers can provide easier access to all kinds of knowledge sources. For instance, looking up a new English word used to take at least 2 minutes using paper dictionary but the same term could be looked up virtually immediate at the touch of fingertip. The computers can accommodate knowledge in the form of multimedia, such as pictures, animations as well as sounds. The multimedia will greatly facilitate the understanding of difficult concepts, especially in the field of science and technology. For example, playing an animation file on screen to illustrate the three Laws of Newton is much more understandable than the explanation in words the young students.
However, everything comes with a price (cost) and the computers can’t be excluded, either. The utilization of computers will also bring some undesired effects to the young students. First of all, it is noticed that the new generation of students have a much high higher ratio of poor handwritings. In the old fashion, the students are not only required to write down their thoughts or answers to questions clearly but also neatly, which could essentially force the students to improve their writings so that the instructors could read and grade. However, in the era of computers, this issue no long exists as many students prefer to key in the answers and then print out. We can’t say that this is absolutely wrong but good and stylish handwriting should be highly valued after all. The mass usage of computers in education is resulting in the disappearance of good handwriting. Another possible negative impact of computers on students is that they are changing the way of thinking of young students. To be an independent and creative thinker, a student supposes to think by himself how to solve a new problem. However, the excessive usage of computers has made the first thought of most young students when coping with problems search on line. As a result, there are more “followers” than “thinkers” among the new generation of students and this will impair the progress of society eventually.
To sum up, there are pros and cons when tackling the issue of using computers in education. We should not prohibit the usage of computers but should be aware that there is a need for more discussion on how to maximize the benefits of computers and minimize the adverse impact on our education of young students.

heb30

我感觉，不到7是运气问题。