雅思作文，请大家帮忙指点下不足的地方，谢谢

bfox

考了三次雅思了，每次都是作文最差。 看到很多筒子把自己的作文放上来。今天也写了篇作文，放上来献下丑。请大家帮忙指点下不足，目标6分，请大家帮我看看距离目标还有多远，谢谢。
There are many old cities in the world have been rebuilt or resesigned in order to modernise cities.
Discuss both advantages and disadvantages of the issue.

Recently, reconstruction or redesign buildings have become more and more popular in cities of China, especially in deveploed cities. People knock down old buildings and buid new ones to repalce them to make the city looks more like modern city.
Generally speaking, those newlly built buildings usually provide much more convenience for people who live in. There often have rapid and roomy lefts, central air condition systems, water and electric supply systems in those buidings. Even more, facilities for prevent fire disasters installed well in those buildings. Residents in that buiding can enjoy lives which both safe and convient, which can be very confortable. Besides, modern outlooks of these buildings can be a landmark for the city.
On the other hand, some old buildings stand for special cultures, or associate with some important events or some memories. Some place you have played in when you were a child will always make you fell familar, and if the building knocked down, you can not get that felling again. And for those building that associate with some important events of history, they acquire a value beyond a simply building.
However, reconstruction has both advantages and disadvantages. When construct new buildings, authorities concerned should pay more attentions to protect those old buildings which have association with history. Only in this way, can we keep a harmonious relationship between the morden society and our history.

[ 本帖最后由 bfox 于 18-7-2008 17:10 编辑 ]

liaowhy

我觉得写的还不错嘛。
要我看比我写的好，我现在让一个学校给批改作文，每次打分，基本上都是5.5分，每次老师都能找出一堆的问题。
写作是硬功夫，想提高，需要苦练。

bfox

哪个学校啊？有没有联系方式？ 改的怎么样？ 我也想找人来改改

bfox

looks more modern,看起来不错。 不过repalcing them 是不是语法不正确啊？

ritz

两个拼写错误：
in deveploed cities. －> in developed cities
make you fell familiar -> make you feel familiar

熊猫阿三

On the other hand, some old buildings stand for special cultures, or associate with some important events or some memories. Some place you have played in when you were a child will always make you fell familar, and if the building knocked down, you can not get that felling again. And for those building that associate with some important events of history, they acquire a value beyond a simply building.

前面说老房子和一些文化，纪念有关，后面就应该接着举例或者说为什么这些老房子有意义。如果你要表达一个并列关系可以加个连词，说明你小时候玩的地方如何如何。另外应该先说自己，再说大的方面。所以这两个句子位置反了。还有一些词语如demolish, destory, pull down都可以用。those building要变复数。下面一句又重复了一遍，说这些建筑有特殊含义，依然没有进一步解释。
是否可以说：they carry forward our national culture,  give people a sense of national pride and beloning
同时可以引申文物古迹可以带来旅游收入，让外人了解本地的传统和文化。

熊猫阿三

结尾
However, reconstruction has both advantages and disadvantages. When construct new buildings, authorities concerned should pay more attentions to protect those old buildings which have association with history. Only in this way, can we keep a harmonious relationship between the morden society and our history.

however改in conclusion了，因为没感觉是对上文的转折。construct+ing， attention是抽象名词,所以不可数。have association with history直接说historic building不就行了..

如果是我，我会这么说。
In conclusion, in order to develop our cities and promote the city image, we should demolish some old builidings, especially those have potential safety hazard . Meanwhile, stringent laws and regulations should be constituted to preserve the historic buildings. Living in a metropolitan full of skycrapers and modern supermarkets is so disintersting and boring indeed.

helenazy

LZ这文的优点是, 结构和逻辑比较清晰, 奠定了5分的基础. 但是一些细节问题, 比如说, 主谓单复数对应, there are(is)的组合使用, 主被动语态, 拼写还是有些硬伤。还有就是复杂巨型适当断开的问题， 如果你注意并改正，集中练习一个月，我觉得好好发挥，6分应该不难。

Generally speaking, those newlly built buildings usually provide much more convenience for people who live in. There often have（are？） rapid and roomy lefts, central air condition systems, water and electric supply systems in those buidings. Even more, facilities for prevent（ing） fire disasters installed well in those buildings. Residents in that buiding can enjoy lives which （are）both safe and convient, which can be very confortable. Besides, modern outlooks of these buildings can be a landmark for the city.
On the other hand, some old buildings stand for special cultures, or associate with some important events or some memories. Some place you have played in when you were a child will always make you fell（feel） familar, and（.） if the building knocked down, you can not get that felling（feeling） again. And for those building that associate with some important events of history, they acquire（这个用法很奇怪） a value beyond a simply building.

bfox

感谢楼上两位筒子的热心指点

they acquire（这个用法很奇怪） a value beyond a simply building 这个是新概念上有篇课文用过的

therefore, they acquire a value beyond it's true worth.
我照着学过来了，呵呵。

[ 本帖最后由 bfox 于 21-7-2008 10:33 编辑 ]

basey

第一句话就有问题啊，应该是reconstructing or redesigning buildings, 总的感觉5分差不多。

我上次就考的这个，语句组织的比较差，得了5.5分，作文确实比较难。

jlcgydzq

[they acquire（这个用法很奇怪）
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
有什么奇怪的，acquire专指学会某个知识，得到某个启示之类的，很恰当的用法呵．

basey

而且字数好像少了点，差17个字到250，要扣分啊。

helenazy

原帖由 jlcgydzq 于 21-7-2008 17:46 发表

                               
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[they acquire（这个用法很奇怪）
－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－
有什么奇怪的，acquire专指学会某个知识，得到某个启示之类的，很恰当的用法呵．

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单用肯定没问题, 但联系上下文我觉得有点怪，大概是我浅薄了，哈哈。