大家有空帮忙指点下我的这篇写作啊

hello2hanson

从来没有让人看过，这几天只是在练笔，唉，现在写一篇耗时很长，手太生了～
大家有空帮忙指点一二，不甚感激～

Someone think children should attend extra classes after school, others disagree. Discuss both opinion and give your own view.

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People have different views about the extra classes opened for children. While some people think children should not attend such classes,  I personally agree children should selectively attend these classes after school.

On the one hand, there are several benefits of attending extra classes. Firstly, only schooling is far from enough, because it is unlikely for school to cover all knowledge or skills-such as arts appreciation ability, communication skills and so on. Therefore, extra classes could be a supplement to the school education and beneficial to broaden student's horizons. Secondly, attending extra classes allows children more opportunities to interact with their peers. They learn how to get along with others and other social abilities from these interactions which are believed to prepare children well for their future. Finally, children tend to show their talents at an early age, such as music and painting. Therefore, taking part in these classes would be helpful to explore their talents earlier and fulfil potentials better.

On the other hand, there are some concerns about these classes. Attending them can cause less time spent on studying regular subjects in the school, which sometimes could lead to a frustrating result on their scores of school curriculums. After all, these are the first priority for children. Another concern is that extra classes are usually arranged by parents who may not understand well about which classes suit their children. Consequently, children may end up with a waste of time if they are totally not interested in them. However, this issue could be addressed if parents pay much more attention on what children really want.

In conclusion, in spite of some drawbacks for attending extra classes, I however argue, because of more benefits it brings about, that it is necessary for children if they attend the right ones they are really interested in.

irrationals

楼主这是要几分 7 ？的作文啊。  总共274个词， 感觉你写作比我牛多了，虽然总是写英文邮件，但基本上都是查词霸啊。

感觉一开始可以说：

Today, many parents enroll extra classes for their children.  或者  It is very popular that many families enroll extra classes for their children.  这比一上来就结论要好，中文文章也要有个起始。

But there are different views for the benefits of the extra classes.  Some of the parents like to chose many extra classes based on their wishes. They think it is better that parents decide what to learn for their children. In there opinions, children is too young to know what they should learn. Some other families are democratic on the choose of the extra classes. So, there children could choose the extra classes what they like.  But a few parents does not want there children to join any extra classes. They want their children to focus on school work because the achievement test is the most important for a better higher school.

唉，查了好久词典，才写了这么短一段。  楼主加油，你写的很好，比我强多了。

irrationals

一点拙见，高人也看看。

中式英语
opened for children。 感觉有点怪怪的。  直接 for children 好像就可以。
several benefits。  几个优点， 感觉挺中文的， 很少看到这么说的。

Lopemann

第一感觉是滥用连接词了
firstly, on the one hand这种词，词组我基本都没见到过，不要也罢

Lopemann

每个点都没说透，而且词组搭配也挺生硬
上6不难，上7很难

hello2hanson

irrationals 发表于 25-10-2013 22:46

                               
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楼主这是要几分 7 ？的作文啊。  总共274个词， 感觉你写作比我牛多了，虽然总是写英文邮件，但基本上都是查 ...

哈哈，我平常也写英文邮件，但这跟写作完全不一样……
这个雅思写作一点都没底，就怕到时完全没有idea，无从下笔，马上要迎来一鸭了。
BTW，你这段有几处语法错误哦
共勉

hello2hanson

Lopemann 发表于 25-10-2013 23:25

                               
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第一感觉是滥用连接词了
firstly, on the one hand这种词，词组我基本都没见到过，不要也罢

呃，这两个词组不是很常用的嘛……

Lopemann

hello2hanson 发表于 26-10-2013 01:16

                               
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呃，这两个词组不是很常用的嘛……

基本没见过本地人用，报纸上和essay，report里面基本都没有

wj22

以前曾经改过一些同学的文章.
有兴趣的可以去这看:http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/thread-993694-1-1.html

至于那个on the one hand, on the other hand, 虽然用的不多,但用法没错.

hello2hanson

wj22 发表于 26-10-2013 11:03

                               
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以前曾经改过一些同学的文章.
有兴趣的可以去这看:http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/thread-993694-1-1.html

...

谢谢
看批改贴很受用～～

西澳海豚

用了两次 ON THE OTHER HAND，LZ 有第三只手吗？

其他的~~我不是英语大牛，就不乱说了！

hello2hanson

西澳瓶鼻海豚 发表于 26-10-2013 13:15

                               
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用了两次 ON THE OTHER HAND，LZ 有第三只手吗？

其他的~~我不是英语大牛，就不乱说了！

看错了吧，就一处～

aoe1453

6.5吧，上7分有难度

hello2hanson

aoe1453 发表于 26-10-2013 14:58

                               
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6.5吧，上7分有难度

如果一鸭写作能有6.5，我就心满意足啦～

月亮星座

多用however做插入语表转折 . 'On the other hand, there are some concerns about these classes' - concerns, however, have also been raised with regard to attending extra classes.

It is not difficult to understand what you tried to say, the sentence structure/wording, however, needs improvement.  
  

hello2hanson

月亮星座 发表于 26-10-2013 20:46

                               
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多用however做插入语表转折 . 'On the other hand, there are some concerns about these classes' - con ...

嗯，谢谢，很中肯，的确是需要在一些搭配上多改进～

reedtv

写作上7简直是要老命啊。