新鲜出炉的作文求批改-高人乱入

auimmi

最近在位写作抓狂，虽然也找过网上批改，但是不外乎是语法错误修改。而且suggestion几乎都是写完后请多看几遍之类的话。这里也厚着脸皮把刚写完的文章贴出来，看看我最大的问题在哪？如果找到症结应该能提高的更快。没有特别限制时间，写了两段中间又忙别的事情，后来接着写的。
请疯狂砸砖
Nowadays, school become unnecessary for children, since they can use internet to study at home. To what extent you agree or disagree.

Internet plays an increasingly important role in individuals’ daily lives, some people argue that long distance study via internet makes it possible for children to learn by themselves instead of study in school. It, however, makes no sense to reach the conclusion that internet can replace schooling.

There are several reasons to support the view that learning from internet cannot substitute studying in a school in terms of efficiency and effectiveness of study. Not only can children learn knowledge and facts from school, but also they can practise how to cooperate and interact with their peers. These skills, however, are unlikely to be cultivated if youngsters study through internet at home. For instance, how can we expect children to learn presentation skills if they have not ever had an opportunity to present before their audients?

The other noteworthy aspect is that minors usually are not mature enough to be self-control and self- discipline. By this I mean that children are easily distracted from study without teachers’ monitoring. Their working efficiency, consequently, will be much lower respectively. Even worse, youngsters are more likely to be attracted by electronical games and entertainment information if they have to stay long time in front of a computer everyday.

In spite of the above aspects, the positive role that internet plays in education cannot be denied.  The various information available in the internet enables youngsters to access what they require for study conveniently. However, it can only be considered as a supplementary tool of study rather than the substitute for schooling.

By way of conclusion, my point is that studying in a school has its unique advantages for children. Learning from internet is by no means to replace classroom study, accordinlgly.

[ 本帖最后由 auimmi 于 9-11-2011 21:30 编辑 ]

alasiri

粗略看了一下，不少基本的语法错误啊。LZ要4个7 么？加油。

auimmi

原帖由 alasiri 于 9-11-2011 21:24 发表

                               
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粗略看了一下，不少基本的语法错误啊。LZ要4个7 么？加油。

看到你分数我很激动啊！真的是挺粗心的，第一句就有错。能再给点意见不？

alasiri

多看范文，多练笔，限定写作时间。另外运气很重要。

woshiwopa

我感觉运气真的很重要，因为有的时候看到一个题目就是没感觉。。。。
用中文都不知道说什么。。。

planwalker

我觉得楼主可以看看慎小嶷的10天突破作文，其他全部没必要看，只要看一页，就是那个“裸奔法”。我觉得看熟了的话，很有助于找论点。对于90%以上的A/D类大作文都很有帮助

cherub

The other noteworthy aspect is that minors usually are not mature enough to be self-control and self- discipline，这句话里的not后面是不是用or，但是还有个enough表示不完全否定，我也记不清，不完全否定楼主。
By this I mean that children are easily distracted from study without teachers’ monitoring. 还是are的问题，中国人都知道，每句话都说是的感觉有点傻有点2，英语也一样，在你不是真心表达百分百肯定的时候，注意用委婉的方式表达。
It, however, makes no sense to reach the conclusion that internet can replace schooling.
这句没看出什么语法问题，however,跟前面的逻辑联系不算稳妥。当一些人觉得这个不好那个不好时，争论就发生了。举个例子，有人觉得人一辈子都不该洗澡，这时候会为洗澡不洗澡发生争论吗，当然不会。所以你要为这个no sense给出强有力的缘由，否则明显就是显摆老子是词汇暴发户。你同胞都看得出，考官也是no sense to be。其实英语是不一定连篇怪词，但是一种情绪的东西必须要贯穿始终，否则就是不舒服。

[ 本帖最后由 蔚什么 于 10-11-2011 00:33 编辑 ]

auimmi

原帖由 planwalker 于 10-11-2011 00:14 发表

                               
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我觉得楼主可以看看慎小嶷的10天突破作文，其他全部没必要看，只要看一页，就是那个“裸奔法”。我觉得看熟了的话，很有助于找论点。对于90%以上的A/D类大作文都很有帮助

多谢你呀。其实他的书是我看的第一本，确实很有帮助，但是6分再往上，就满难了。

[ 本帖最后由 auimmi 于 10-11-2011 01:23 编辑 ]

planwalker

其他的我看了遍感觉用处都不大，就是那个怎么想论点论据的有用。其他的看他的那个6分最多了

auimmi

原帖由 蔚什么 于 10-11-2011 00:31 发表

                               
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The other noteworthy aspect is that minors usually are not mature enough to be self-control and self- discipline，这句话里的not后面是不是用or，但是还有个enough表示不完全否定，我也记不清，不完全否定楼主 ...

这个no sense to be 确实是从某篇文章里抄过来的，觉得说法还挺牛B的 的确写来写去都找不到那个感觉，只能看范文学句子，但是有时又把握不好怎么用。

另外By this I mean that children are easily distracted from study without teachers’ monitoring. 这个我就比较疑惑了，不记得是从那本书上看到的，如果是自己认同的观点，就要confident的用肯定的语气，不支持的观点才用might may 之类的弱点的语气。这个可以再讨论一下。

planwalker

原帖由 auimmi 于 10-11-2011 01:22 发表

                               
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另外By this I mean that children are easily distracted from study without teachers’ monitoring. 这个我就比较疑惑了，不记得是从那本书上看到的，如果是自己认同的观点，就要confident的用肯定的语气，不支持的观点才用might may 之类的弱点的语气。这个可以再讨论一下。

这个说法是有的，从逻辑上来说，既然是你支持的观点，自然要说的有力，如果说的自己都不肯定对不对，又为什么要去支持它？而自己不支持的观点，自然是在合理的基础上尽量弱化，尽量表示只是有可能这样而不是肯定会这样。不过在实际写作中，确实也会出现支持的论点写的太绝对反而感觉太武断、或者很2的这种情况。这个我觉得是论点选择的问题了，选择的论点就很勉强，或者太众所周知。如果列提纲时候能列仔细点，可以很大程度上避免这类问题。

yrqin

楼上各位点评都很好。
楼主基础语法要努力加强。
no sense的使用需要避免，以后在雅思作文里最好不要再用了。