经典英语笑话集锦 - 喜欢英语笑话的TX一起来盖大楼，分享笑话，精彩加分！

lisa2008

有没有发现，读笑话也是一种不错的学习英语的方法？


而且，会用英语说笑话，可以帮助你和western同事和客户沟通，提高个人魅力和人气，单身的TX没准还能因此找到你的心上人呢！幽默感从来都是西方世界很看重的个人魅力之一。


那我们一起来讲笑话吧！看谁的经典，谁的精彩，谁的最有人气!


对于跟帖的精彩笑话，也请大家不吝加分        看帖子不发言可不是个好习惯（说你呐，别假装没看见   ） ，大家都那样的话，发言的人就越来越少了。   有互动大家才可能多交流，这个版块才会越来越有人气，精彩的帖子才会越来越多，每个来的人收获才会越来越大，是不是



我先在这里开个头，抛砖引玉，欢迎跟帖分享新笑话和评论。笑话请接上已经有的笑话序号，继续就可以。英语版原来零散有很多笑话，有些也相当经典。等我有时间慢慢汇总到这个帖子里，大家一起分享


[ 本帖最后由 lisa2008 于 30-8-2010 23:28 编辑 ]

lisa2008

我先来说几个：

1. US Naval Ship

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

     Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
   
Americans:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
   
Canadians:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE,THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[ 本帖最后由 lisa2008 于 30-8-2010 18:27 编辑 ]

蓝色热带鱼

this joke is laugh at American only,thanks for it

lisa2008

2. Football fan

     A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Mersyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

     The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

     "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

     The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well if your not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

     "I'm a Manchester City fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

     The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a City fan?"

     "Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a City fan and my dad is a City fan, so I'm a City fan too!"

     "Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a City fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and you dad was a drug dealer and car theif, what...what you be then?"
     "Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

lisa2008

你有什么好玩的笑话分享吗？

lisa2008

3. John Smith started the day…  


John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am.

While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG), he put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY), filled it with GAS (FROM SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (made in MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

Now he’s hoping he can get help from the US President (MADE IN KENYA).

lisa2008

4.  Job application  


This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

lisa2008

5.  Urinalysis



One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

lisa2008

6. Case Study
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"


With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated. A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.


"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."


At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"

pinxinge

A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's ass with your flag!

新生活主张

Lisa这个主题好，明天睡醒了我慢慢看

pinxinge

一不小心，lisa发了这么多啊，我要慢慢看喽 ，加塞一个。

pinxinge

原帖由 lisa2008 于 30-8-2010 22:23 发表

                               
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4.  Job application  


This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and fu ...

Terrific career plan in 5 years, I like that.

nizi

难得的好帖子，学到很多东西，赞

pinxinge

Visiting my local shopping centre, I saw an elderly couple holding hands as they walked along. As they passed by, I smilingly commented on how delightful it was to see them being romantic at their age.

The man replied, “I’ve been holding her hand when we go out for over 30 years. I have to. If I let go, she shops.”

pinxinge

1.The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

pinxinge

Sorry mate, says the first one, I am a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can't find her anywhere. Second bloke replies; gee, I can't find mine either, how about we go and look for them together? Sure, says the first one, what does you wife look like? Eh well, she's blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she's wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does your wife look like? Forget about my wife, says the other bloke, let's go and look for yours!

pinxinge

and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

pinxinge

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

ubuntuhk

freshfish

pinxinge

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? " Millionaire: " I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "She must be some woman. What were you before you married her ? "
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

pinxinge

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife `Mother of Six` in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it`s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, `Shall we go home now Mother of Six?`

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, `Anytime you`re ready, Father of Four!`

pinxinge

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

`Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?`

`Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don`t want to ask that question...`

`Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.`

`Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.`

`Three? When were they?`

`Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?`

`Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?`

`Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?`

`I can`t believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn`t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn`t be more moved. When was number 3?`

`Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?`

lisa2008

不错不错，我明天接着找哈

pinxinge

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

pinxinge

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

lisa2008

Always allow the boss to speak first


A Junior Software engineer, a Senior Software engineer and their Project Manager are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".

So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.

"Pfufffff" he was gone.

Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.

"Pfufffff" he was also gone.

The Project Manager calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 1.30pm"


Moral of the story is:
"Always allow the boss to speak first"

pinxinge

A little boy says: Daddy, how was I born?
DAD says: Ah, my son. I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room,
where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed popup appeared and said: You've Got Male!

lisa2008

a good one!