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[language study] 英文高手帮忙点评一下这篇作文,谢谢

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1#
发表于 11-5-2010 18:32:35 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式

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Children who grow up in families which are short of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children who are brought up by wealthy parents.To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Nowadays, poor children are often deemed to be more competent when they grow up than those who are rich. It appears reasonable. Children who have no extra money for party, travelling, shopping, or other thing of luxury will spend their time on study even taking part-time job to earn money. And those children would try themselves hard to become mature as soon as possible to fit the society and the adult life. So they are always more motivated to get themselves experienced and will work hard to be successful to take more responsibilities for the society when they grow up. It seems that all of these factors drive the poor children to become superior in the society.

Actually, however, this point of view is only partly correct. Not all the children who come from poor family are so good enough to take the difficulty of ambition. Some of them maybe have the feeling of inferiority which could retard their progress to become mature. Some maybe are always busy in earning money, neglecting the collecting of knowledge which should take the top priority to a child. On the other hand, a wealthy child who although have much money to waste can be well educated to know the good ways to deal with the money. Those educated wealthy children could spend their money in study or in helping other children who are in poverty. No one could doubt this sort of well trained children can deal with the problem encountered later.

It is obvious that the means by which a child treats the money decide what sort of an adult he will be. And a child's idea about money depends on the education that he got. The key is the education. Both poor children and wealthy children can be successful when they grow up as long as they are all well trained.
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2#
发表于 11-5-2010 19:14:27 | 只看该作者
Actually, however,
maybe are
不是点评,只是觉得可以更好。
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3#
发表于 11-5-2010 19:43:50 | 只看该作者
are so good enough to take the difficulty of ambition  是要表达什么意思?
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4#
发表于 13-5-2010 15:26:17 | 只看该作者
第一句话差点把我憋死
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5#
发表于 13-5-2010 22:11:24 | 只看该作者
单复数啊单复数。
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6#
 楼主| 发表于 14-5-2010 11:47:11 | 只看该作者
哪里的单复数不对了??????
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7#
发表于 14-5-2010 12:57:19 | 只看该作者
有些句子太过啰嗦,比如:
those who are rich
Not all the children who come from poor family
other children who are in poverty
depends on the education that he got
这种分句完全是为了分句而分句,没有任何意义,英语还有一个特点是简练。
Both poor children and wealthy children can be successful when they grow up as long as they are all well trained. --这几个词文中频繁出现,both of them完全就可以替代了。
还有一些句子能看出来时刻意的要写长句子,但是长句子要有足够的句子内容支撑,有些句子看起来是努力要延长句子的宾语部分,但是句子结构就很不顺畅,比如:
On the other hand, a wealthy child who although have much money to waste can be well educated to know the good ways to deal with the money

我会换成:
On the other hand, although in rich, a wealthy child still can be well educated how to deal with money in right way.
其他还有一些句子,就不一一指出了,认识到这个道理就好了。
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8#
发表于 15-5-2010 23:21:15 | 只看该作者

hope that my crude remarks may draw forth by abler people (抛砖引玉)

Research findings suggest that children growing up in poor families are more likely to be successful in their future careers, compared with those raising in wealthy families. Generally speaking, children with less pocket money tend to devote more time to study rather than indulge in party and wallow in luxury.

[ 本帖最后由 Decent 于 15-5-2010 22:22 编辑 ]
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