作文继续求批！！！1

chen2mao

3. Wearing fashionable clothes is becoming important today. Is the attitude to wearing fashionable clothes leading to a positive development or negative development?


In the present age, it seems that wearing fashionable clothes is not just restricted to celebrities such as movie stars and politicians, but is also evident among general public. As to whether this trend is a blessing or a curse, however, people take different attitudes. Personally, I believe this is, as a whole, a negative development.

Admittedly, pursing fashionable clothes may bring people both psychological and emotional benefits. For one thing, wearing fashionable clothes makes people become attractive in front of their peers, which help people express their personality and social identity. For another thing, fashionable clothes are always associated with famous brand names and high price. As a result, wearing fashionable clothes may enable people to boost self-esteem and confidence.

However, it is worth mentioning the adverse impacts of wearing fashionable clothes are overwhelming. To begin with, it is waste of money. Although it is undeniable that the sky-high fashionable clothes may not a problem for some wealthy people at all, it may create financial pressure on poor people and even middle class. Consequently, budget on other significant aspects such as medical and education may be curtailed. In addition, in order to achieve expected psychological satisfaction by wearing fashionable clothes, some people tend to compare with others. As a consequence, they may pursue fashionable clothes blindly. More over, some people, especially youngsters spend too much time on clothes, which may distract their attention from work and study.

To conclude, I would concede wearing fashionable clothes may offer people psychological comfort. Despite that, it is neither economical nor time-saving. Therefore, people should select clothes according to their own situation.

qiuxan

As to whether this trend is a blessing or a curse等等一系列犀利的用法 我看了是连打了个冷战～那么牛x的开场白，在有把握写8分之前还是少用把，小心适得其反～据扯，开头结尾虽然写烂会扣，写好是不会加分的～

第二段 peers, which helps 我的话，会用and that helps。。。因为能不用which我是尽量不用的，错怕了的习惯～还有and social identity我觉得好像和前面没关系，倒是和后面关系稍微比较大一丁点。。 enable xxx to boost？lz确认这个组合可以用么？（这个我也不懂）

第三段it is a waste of money 还有“Although it is undeniable that the sky-high fashionable clothes may not a problem for some wealthy people at all, it may create financial pressure on poor people and even middle class.” 虽然对富人来说这点钱没什么，但是给穷人和中产阶级造成巨大压力。这个和浪费没有什么关系哦(个人感觉)～～你可以直接把a wast of money 改成，i can create a considerable financial pressure on poor people and  even middle class. That is because although xxxxxxxxxxxxx, it would be a huge number for xxxxxxx.

More over, some people, especially youngsters spend too much on clothes, which may distract their attention from work and study.  这个是在凑字数么？


看出别人的弱点总是容易的，就在这帖子附近，我也发一篇求改，你看就知道，我的作文也是毛病一大堆要改～一点粗浅的意见希望对lz有点帮助！

kah

“Personally, I believe this is, as a whole, a negative development. ”
“ I would ”

A类T2的文章最好不要用第一人称去阐述观点，因为写这篇文章除了直接引用外，都是自己的观点。（个人意见，仅供参考哦）

ryoheiaya

粗看了一下，对于语法就不提什么了，看着累，而且我基础也马马虎虎。直说几个细节，

首先，fashionable clothes出现的频率太多，而且我似乎没看到可以代替这个词的其他词出现，说明lz的词汇量面太窄。要知道，雅思考试的时候，像是标题出现的限定内容的词，尽量少用，或者试着用几个同义词去代替。如果可以的话，可以用decent或者stunning来形容漂亮时髦的衣服。前者是个小词，但是非常非常好用，基本这个词出现，就可以让考官知道你至少是知道一些地道的英语表达方式，这个是极为重要的。后者形容是惊艳的，我觉得也可以说是时尚的衣服。所以，试着多用同义词来替换，否则词汇这快不会有高分。

其次，第一段过于模板化，这种句子一出来，考官的印象分直接就......说一点我从给我改过作文的雅思考官那听来的，第一段除了用一些好词改写原题目，鲜明清楚的提出自己的观点外，尽量不要有这些模板似的句子。因为你后面的句子显然达不到第一段模板的水平，这样很突兀，分数绝对不会高。

关于句型方面，应该多一些其他的从句，我只看到了which和that，多一些when, who，where引导的从句来丰富下句型。然后，尽量用一些连词比如not only,but also这样来衔接复杂句。比如倒装句，强调句最好都用上。毕竟一般一篇雅思大作文也就15句左右，抛去开头结尾的4句，真正需要发挥的不多，基本每一种句型都用一次，差不多也就写完作文了，这样会让考官看出以掌握了各种复杂句型。

至于词汇的话，我觉得lz的作文中等难度的词汇不算差了，但是欠缺2.3个点睛的大词。虽然我赞同7分不需要太多大词，但是至少也要有2.3个“稀有”词来表现下。

最重要的，collocations很多中国学生只关心大词难词，却忽略了这个。我记得我的那个给我批改作文的雅思考官和simon-ielts上的simon都提到过，这个collocation非常重要，它既可以提高你词汇这块的分数，也可以使句子更通顺。我建议lz尽量多找一些这种词好好看看。

最后，结尾段尽量用in conclusion而非其他方法开头。我曾经听一个朋友说，麦考瑞是悉尼的语言中心，那里的老师有些很看重结尾用in conclusion,我不知道其他地方，反正我每次都会有这个。

ps。我也只是看出4个7而已，写作从没上过8，而且本人基础差，也就不敢给你挑语病和用词的问题了。这方面，我建议你去找雅思考官或者网上找找不错的批改作文的地方给你改改。如果不是雅思的考官，就只要求他们给你改语法就好。而关于雅思作文到底该怎么写，我建议你搜下simon-ielts这个blog。simon是个前雅思考官，看看他怎么说雅思考试到底怎么写。至少，他的东西对我非常有用，而且极大地减少了复习准备时间，因为你少走了不少弯路。

chen2mao

非常感谢楼上，其实我的要求只是拿到６分。