G类 Test1 寻求批改！多谢啦！

hales

Task 1
You have recently moved to a different house.
Write a letter to an English-Speaking friend. In your letter
1.        Explain why you have moved.
2.        Describe the new house.
3.        invite your friend to come and visit.


Dear Mike,
        I am writing to you to tell that about two weeks ago I moved to this new house. The main reason of the relocation is that the old house was quite far away from my company, and it usually took me more than one hour to arrive in the office. Because of that I had to wake up very early in order to be on time. Another reason is that that area is not quite safe, and recently there was even a severe criminal offence happened to a household just two blocks away.
        The new house is only 10 minutes driving away from my office. Additionally, I feel quite safe, as police cars are patrolling all the time on the streets. The greening in this area is every impressive, and my children are really enjoying the flesh air and beautiful flowers that could be easily found.
        I really enjoy living in this new house, and I would like to invite you and your wife to come at the end of this week and share my happiness. My wife will prepare tasty food for you. And I am sure you will have an enjoyable weekend. Please call me or by reply this email to suggest whether you could come.

Best Regards
Daniel

hales

高手们，请帮助一下！等我考过了，我也来帮助大家，哈哈！

bing_l

要加油哦，虽然我不会改。

hales

原帖由 bing_l 于 2-4-2012 15:44 发表

                               
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要加油哦，虽然我不会改。

多谢鼓励！

ecust

Dear John,

I am writing this letter to inform you that I had relocated to another house.

It is believed that I spend too much time on transportation. The company is so far from my house, even worse; there are no bus stops around. I get up early and back home with no bus transfer if I had to work overtime. It makes me exhausted.

Unlikely, you may not believe, there has been committed crime two weeks ago. An elder people were murdered. I am really shocked. But now, my new house around, with peaceful atmosphere, sunlight and nice view. By the way, the decoration of my new house is quite luxury and it both closes to the police station and company.

I would like to invite you to drop by my party, and it is on this weekend. Let me know if you have concerns with how to get here.

Yours sincerely,
Gandalf

hales

我来改改楼上的。我也在学习，请不要见笑！

I am writing this letter to inform (Inform太正式，而且有通知的意思，建议改成update) you that I had relocated to another house.


It is believed that I spend (改成spent) too much time on transportation. The company is （改成was） so far from my house,（改成";"） even worse; （改成","） there are (改成were) no bus stops around. I get (改成got) up early and (加上came) back home with no bus transfer if I had to work overtime （这个不太符合逻辑，开始说没有巴士站，后面又说要等公交车）. It makes （made） me exhausted.

Unlikely, you may not believe, there has been committed crime two weeks ago. An elder people were murdered. I am really shocked. But now, my new house around, with peaceful atmosphere, sunlight and nice view （这句话不太通顺，没有谓语）. By the way, the decoration of my new house is quite luxury and it both closes to the police station and company. （改成 it is close to both police station and my company）

将过去House的情况都要改成过去式。

I would like to invite you to drop by my party, and it is on this weekend. Let me know if you have concerns with how to get here.

hales

我觉得写作最重要的是思想，写信也一样。然后才是词汇，组织。

现在的教程将组织结构看的太重。如果没有血肉，那么骨架在健壮也不够成一个健全的Body！

所以，各位，请从立题，或者素材上进行建设性的批评，可以用中文，也有助于我们拓宽思路。

YUEXMA

我觉得楼主写的比较好。除了一点点拼写错误。7-8分的水平。5楼基本都是简单句，需要加油。

hales

原帖由 YUEXMA 于 2-4-2012 19:30 发表

                               
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我觉得楼主写的比较好。除了一点点拼写错误。7-8分的水平。5楼基本都是简单句，需要加油。

多谢鼓励.也请指正拼写错误!

YUEXMA的分数让人羡慕啊！

YUEXMA

The new house is only 10 minutes driving away from my office. Additionally, I feel quite safe, as police cars are patrolling all the time on the streets. The greening 绿化好像用planting比较多见in this area is every 多了个e ? impressive, and my children are really enjoying the flesh flesh是肉，fresh 才是新鲜的 air and beautiful flowers that could be easily found.
        I really enjoy living in this new house, and I would like to invite you and your wife to come at the end of this week and share my happiness. My wife will prepare tasty food for you. And I am sure you will have an enjoyable enjoy 这个词 反反复复用的太多了一点 weekend. Please call me or by 这个by 应该不需要 reply this email to suggest whether you could come.

[ 本帖最后由 YUEXMA 于 2-4-2012 20:15 编辑 ]

hales

原帖由 YUEXMA 于 2-4-2012 20:14 发表

                               
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The new house is only 10 minutes driving away from my office. Additionally, I feel quite safe, as police cars are patrolling all the time on the streets. The greening 绿化好像用planting比较多见in this ...

多谢指教！这些低级错误我尽量要避免发生！