和老婆快快吵起来了，大家给评评哪个开头更好

tjusnow

刚练完一篇作文，老婆看了说开头写的太烂，
好吧，我承认我的英文不咋地，但是她一天也没复习居然敢嘲笑我，忍不了了！

干脆就让她也写个开头，大家给评评哪个更好点儿。
题目：
It is suggested that all mothers and fathers should be required to take childcare training courses. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

A开头：

It is widely accepted that the period from 0 to 3 years of a child has profound influence on his or her development in both intelligence and personality. Obviously, parents play an essential role in this period. However, when it comes to the issue whether parents should take childcare training courses, people still hold opposing opinions. In this essay, both sides of the views will be discussed and then I will give my opinion.

B开头：
Parents have to pay much more attention on their children today than they used to do, because the only child in the family always burden the whole family hope, which leads to the emergence of the organization serving young parents to improve their childcare training skills. However, some people hold an opposing view that such courses are waste of time and energy. In this essay, I will analyze both sides of the discussion and then give my opinion.

climber2002

A好些，B比较Chinglish

auimmi

两夫妻好可爱啊。两个人一起努力好欢乐。

sowot

同楼上，A好些，但是 period from 0 to 3 years of a child 要改改，没这么表达的。刚出生的是new born，1岁以下都算infant，1-3岁算toddler。可以改成the first 3 years of a child.

B的问题一是中式英语，另外一点是，只有在中国才是每家只有一个独生子女。用来作为开头不好，非要用起码得加上in China这个大前提。

一点愚见，仅供参考。Just my 2 cents.

dcxg

a，比较西式思维
b，中国式思维

a读起来更顺
b没办法读了

dcxg

原帖由 tjusnow 于 8-2-2012 20:31 发表

                               
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刚练完一篇作文，老婆看了说开头写的太烂，
好吧，我承认我的英文不咋地，但是她一天也没复习居然敢嘲笑我，忍不了了！

xiabo82

我喜欢A，比较符合辅导班里面的模板。
B讲了太多的原因和分析，感觉写在第一段并不好。

amanda_chen3

A是LP写的,B是LG写的?

dcxg

a是lg写的
b是ld写的

amanda_chen3

顶啊,你两这么练下去可以得高分哈

YUEXMA

两段都读了第一句，都CHINGLISH, 千万不要先想中文然后翻成英文啊。。。。

依然逍遥

看不懂，认得一两个单词。。。。

william_chang

肯定是A啦

katieli

LZ别生气，我个人认为你们俩都有提高的空间

艾瑞克

拿給老外讀的話，估計A和B都看不懂。

superopengl

A是比较符合模板，感觉比B好一点。

两个开头的结尾处都有“我要用这篇文章阐述观点”这样的描述，有凑字数的嫌疑。
这是小论文，不是毕业论文的summary，“我要用这篇文章阐述观点”其实是废话。

kuthlaav

题目：
It is suggested that all mothers and fathers should be required to take childcare training courses. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In modern society everything takes knowledge and technology, and parenting is no exception. As no one is born with the talent to be a qualified parent, so training course on childcare becomes imperative for those who wish to provide their children with the best that life can offer. Without the proper knowledge, it would be a difficult task to make sure that children are well taken care of, Therefore, I totally advocate that parents take the childcare training course.

正文开始介绍原因，观点和论据。

随便写的，不知道如何。

platosun

A好些吧，像是开头~

frankkiller

个人喜欢A，不知道是不是lz自己写的。

nil

原帖由 tjusnow 于 8/2/2012 20:31 发表

                               
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It is suggested that all mothers and fathers should be required to take childcare training courses. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

A开头：

It is widely accepted that the period from 0 to 3 years of a child has profound influence on his or her development in both intelligence and personality. Obviously, parents play an essential role in this period. However, when it comes to the issue whether parents should take childcare training courses, people still hold opposing opinions. In this essay, both sides of the views will be discussed and then I will give my opinion.

B开头：
Parents have to pay much more attention on their children today than they used to do, because the only child in the family always burden the whole family hope, which leads to the emergence of the organization serving young parents to improve their childcare training skills. However, some people hold an opposing view that such courses are waste of time and energy. In this essay, I will analyze both sides of the discussion and then give my opinion.

抛开语言和内容不谈，从语法结构来看，B看起来舒服一些。A的句子和句子之间很松散，缺少inner logic。B看起来逻辑性强一些。

就内容而言，半斤八两。

就语言而言，A比B稍微看起来象英文一些。

就point of view而言，两个没啥差别，都是中文的inductive，而不是西方更普遍的deductive。

象写雅思这种4百字的，还是deductive好点。起码让看的人一开始有个思路可以follow。

打算考几分来着？7分的话，两个都需要大大的提高。

cherub

我觉得，作为中国人吧，凡是想用profound的时候，一定要换成其他的，比如great。obviously 和however作为开头的导语，显得作者水平不高，最多6分。

tjusnow

小胖有些偏激啊
个人认为 用什么词不重要，关键是准确！ 剑桥雅思的考官范文也不乏however做引导的 不是吗

原帖由 Cherub 于 9-2-2012 11:19 发表

                               
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我觉得，作为中国人吧，凡是想用profound的时候，一定要换成其他的，比如great。obviously 和however作为开头的导语，显得作者水平不高，最多6分。

tjusnow

感谢大家的指正
看来我还是没有白复习的，不过大部分都只是学葫芦画瓢，没有领会精髓
所以写出来的作文总是看起来还行，仔细推敲 没啥逻辑性，这个就是我目前最大的问题了
根据大家的意见，我又把我的修改了一下，大家看看有进步没有
只是考试的时候时间紧，我算了一下 用在开头的时间不宜超过5分钟 这么短的时间内要是想不出很好的逻辑推理
无法从大背景一步一步 引导到问题上 怎么办呢？

It is widely accepted that the nurture of a child has important influence on his or her development in both intelligence and personality. Parents, the closest friends of children, play an essential role in parenting, and because of this, achieving good childcare skills is indeed very important for these parents. However, when it comes to the issue whether parents should take childcare training courses in schools, people still hold opposing opinions.

abdias

个人还是喜欢短平快第一段就挑明自己的观点，简单直接。
反向论述或者对立观点放在倒数第二段总结前会不会更好？不过是不同的行文风格了。

YUEXMA

小胖偏颇了。

profound, however, 绝对是好词，特别是 however, 几乎篇篇必有，雅俗共赏。
obviously 在A类小作文里还是个好词，G类大作文里使用就考验实力了，慎用。但绝不会显得作者水平不高。

倒是great, 个人很不欣赏，显得词汇功底很贫乏的样子，这个词哪里都能放，有点烂大街了。口语考试用用还行。

原帖由 Cherub 于 9-2-2012 11:19 发表

                               
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我觉得，作为中国人吧，凡是想用profound的时候，一定要换成其他的，比如great。obviously 和however作为开头的导语，显得作者水平不高，最多6分。

xiaoyi_lee

一打架引来这么多7炸的选手，强烈建议看看 8哥（kuthlaav童鞋 ） 写的练习文章，感觉比较实惠，能用得上。
http://www.freeoz.org:8126/ibbs/thread-986164-1-1.html

zjking

原帖由 tjusnow 于 9-2-2012 13:16 发表

                               
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感谢大家的指正
看来我还是没有白复习的，不过大部分都只是学葫芦画瓢，没有领会精髓
所以写出来的作文总是看起来还行，仔细推敲 没啥逻辑性，这个就是我目前最大的问题了
根据大家的意见，我又把我的修改了一下， ...

看来A是楼主写的啦，大多数人还是认为你写得比较好嘛，哈哈哈哈

cienanos2

我试着写了一下，与您商讨：
In present-day society, it is generally accepted that parenting plays a key role in our lives. But in the meantime, controversy has arisen about whether it should be compulsory for all parents to participate in childcare training courses. There is no unanimous consensus yet. From my own perspective, both views are, somewhat, overly simplistic.

nil

原帖由 tjusnow 于 9/2/2012 13:16 发表

                               
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It is widely accepted that the nurture of a child has important influence on his or her development in both intelligence and personality. Parents, the closest friends of children, play an essential role in parenting, and because of this, achieving good childcare skills is indeed very important for these parents. However, when it comes to the issue whether parents should take childcare training courses in schools, people still hold opposing opinions.

academic写作大概分几个档次：

1松散的。句子和句子之间没啥关系。
2有点逻辑的。句子和句子之间硬靠关联词弄一起的。
3比较逻辑的。句子和句子之间能巧妙清晰的用关联词连接。
4非常有逻辑。句子和句子之间靠内容联系，有关联词，但是不多。

楼主大概处于2阶段。

给楼主一个简单也比较容易achieve的建议吧，很多中国人写English essay都不会注意到的一个问题：

保持主语一致性。

比如你的句子：每个句子的主语都很多，第一句是it（其实是一个fact，去掉it is widely accepted，你的句子的主语是：the nurture of a child）。第二句是：parents，改了。思维从the nurture of a child跳到parents。and严格的说等于是个废话，第三句主语：achieving good childcare skills。第四句主语：people


也就是说，四个句子，其实讲的是四个方面。你because，however用的再多，也只是一只破碎的碗勉强用强力胶沾起来的，而且碗的碎片还不是同一只碗上的。


中文不是一种很注重主语的语言，口语中甚至有大量的主语省略现象——而英语恰好相反。


to keep the same topic, better use the same "topic".这是个很简单的保持inner logic的方法。写完你自己念一遍，也会觉得舒服很多。

在你的基础上改一下：

It is widely accepted that parents play an essential role in the children's development of intelligence and personality when they are still in infancy.  However, when it comes to the issue whether parents should be professionally trained to help better shape up their children's future, people hold different opinions.  In my point of view, XXXX
收工，睡觉。

YUEXMA

砖家太多，LZ 还是少发帖，多写多看书吧。