人生之苦(4)——From布村书群Maggie（5.7-5.8）

snapdragon

2021年5月7日
Chapter 2 Kicking the elephant out of the room 房间里的大象
“I know it must be really hard. I’ve been thinking about you and your kids” Not everyone feels comfortable talking openly about personal tragedy. We all make our own choices about when and where and if we want to express our feelings. Still, there’s powerful evidence that opening up about traumatic events can improve mental and physical health. Speaking to a friend or family member often helps people understand their own emotions and feel understood. 安娜·昆德伦用更诗意化的方式表明了同样的立场：“悲伤，对世人轻语，却内在喧哗。悲伤不可言说，甚至超越性、超越信念，超越终极的死亡。人们视而不见，悲伤只在葬礼上昙花一现。”
Death is not the only adversity, financial difficulties, divorce, unemployment, rape, addiction, incarceration, illness. Cancer. “It was the loneliness and isolation I felt when many of may close friends and family members disappeared because they didn’t know what to say, or said the absolute wrong thing without realising it.” 死亡并非生活中的唯一逆境，任何让我们有所损失的事情，都会令我们无所适从，例如财务危机、离婚、失业、被强奸、药物成瘾、监禁、疾病等。“孤独感和分离感”“许多要好的朋友和亲戚都消失了，因为他们不知道该跟我说些什么，他们怕自己说错话了却不自知
2021年5月8日
Chapter 3 The platinum rule of friendship 友谊的白金法则
当人们处于痛苦中时，他们需要有一个“按钮”When people close to us face adversity, how do we give them a button to press? There are two different emotional responses empathy, which motivates us to help, and distress, which motivates us to avoid. Sometimes we don’t need them to press the button, but we just have to make sure that button is available, it can make a huge difference. 当我们亲近的人面对不幸时，我们如何给他们一个可以按下去的“按钮”呢？我们愿意向朋友提供帮助，使其顺利渡过难关，然而有很多拦路虎阻碍在前。通常，我们在面对他人的痛苦时，会有两种完全不同的情感反应：一种是共情，它激励着我们为他人提供帮助；另一种是悲伤，它让我们对他人的不幸避之唯恐不及。当听说我们的亲友、熟人失业，开始做化疗，或是正在处理离婚事宜时，我们的第一冲动往往是“我要关心他”。在冲动过去后，犹疑往往会占据我们的大脑——“我要是说错话了怎么办？”“要是和她谈起这件事，却让她产生了自我怀疑，该怎么办？”“如果我越界了怎么办？”犹疑一旦产生，就会伴随诸多借口，比如“他的朋友不少，而且我们也不是很熟”，“她一定很忙，我不想打扰她”。然后，我们会推迟拜访和提供帮助，直到被内心的罪恶感包围……可是到那时，一切都晚了。
Sometimes the personal was doing it for himself because the only time he felt ok was when he was helping the person. Caring means that when someone is hurting, you cannot imagine being anywhere else.
It’s hard to understand – or even imagine another person’s pain. When we are not in a physically or emotionally intense state, we underestimate its impact.  我们通常很难理解甚至想象他人的痛苦。当我们自己并没有处于那种身体或精神上的紧张状态时，我们就会低估这种状态的影响力。在一项实验中，受试者被要求把胳膊放入一桶水里，并想象如果在冰冷刺骨的房间里待上5个小时会有多痛苦。有些受试者被要求把胳膊放在冰水桶里，他们认为，待在冰冷刺骨的房间里比胳膊放在装满温水的桶里，痛苦程度高14%。然而，当受试者把胳膊从冰水里拿出10分钟后，他们对于痛苦的预测程度和胳膊放在温水中的受试者一样——一旦离开冰水，即使只是几分钟，他们就不知道寒冷是什么滋味了。