新人拜码头，附一篇ielts作文，求指教！

kuthlaav

本人新手，计划移民。复习一月，不知可行。
听力阅读，将将就就。写作口语，刚刚下手。
oz圣地，群龙聚首。初来咋到，拜个码头。
附上小作，望君停留。评个分数，7有木有。

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Writing task 2
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
Today more people are travelling than ever before.
Why is this the case?
What are the benefits of travelling for the traveller?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.



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Today, more people are travelling than ever before. The highly developed transportation vehicles make it possible for people to travel from one place to another with great ease. And the increasing need to travel, required by global economical business, encourages people to take advantage of all kinds of modern transportation means. One can not resist the temptation to do their business with so many transportation options in their reach. The idea of travelling around world ceases to be an abstract concept, but becomes more realistic to most of the people who can afford it. Why is this the case, one might wonder. The truth will be revealed as you read on.
With the idea of global economy being accepted by more people and becoming a normal practise, more people are required to achieve their financial goals worldwide. There are increasing opportunities for people who seek to develop oversea market, and vip customers can be arranged for a face-to-face meeting in a short time thanks to modern transportation means. For other people, who would like to work in one place and spend their weekend in another place, there are a large amount of transportation options to choose from that they never have to make do with the second best. Still for some others, who have far too much time, travelling from place to place is always a pleasure and is, as is acknowledged, the best way to kill time.
Not only is travel important to people regarding to their career and leisure requirement, but travel brings a great deal of benefit as well. With their goals of global economy achieved, it generates huge sums of money for both those who is running the business and those who is working for them. Government all around the world, with their travel related industries developed due to the advanced modern transportation, benefit a lot and is still making more effort to develop the transportation industries further. For the ordinary citizens, travel has exerted great influences on their lives, that they are no longer confined to one place and pursueing their pleasure of life by more travelling.
Travel, as important as any other parts of life, is becoming more and more popular with people. As is said, if you are busy, you must be travelling somewhere; if you are not so busy, let's travel!



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各位大虾，指点下。不知道这个水平，雅思可以拿到多少分？有哪些方面需要改进的？前辈们，多多指教啊！！！

李大锤

pursueing their pleasure

西澳海豚

我不敢說指教，提供一下自己當初也只有六分的作文經驗------

第一句不要照抄題目，要換個句型或是說法來開頭。

文章裡最好不要有第一二人稱出現，像I-YOU，多用US。

文法看起來整個很怪，我也說不上來，看完後不大清楚你的論點為何?中式英文的痕跡太明顯了-----

建議你要多看文章，像是 THE ECONOMIST http://www.economist.com/

多讀地道的寫法，甚至記一些好的句子，制做自己的句型板模，應該會有不小的幫助。

kuthlaav

经过大大指点，再次选择一个题目来练习。还求多多指教。

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Should criminals be sent to prison or should they do something else as a punishment?
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It is a common practise to send criminals to prison. Not only can it protect the public from the threat made by those outlaws, but can positively enable government to get all criminals under control for their further reformation. Some people, however, point out that criminals should, instead of being thrown into prison, do something else for the public to compensate for the harm they have imposed on the society. That idea will never appeal to anyone but the criminals themselves.
As is known, by separating guilty people from the innocent, government would create a relatively safe environment for its citizens. Those who steal, rob,deceive or even murder will, if not restricted, always be found a threat to the public. They have once jeopardize people's belongings, wealth, trust or even lives, and they probably will. So they are too dangerous to live with.
Moreover, there is a chance that they might, hopefully some time later, become honest and integral people. But this takes time. Before that happen, as soon as better, it is wise to confine their freedom to some extent, which ensure to eliminate any possibility of any further crime committed by them, and prison will be the best choice. Not only can they remorse their notorious histories, but can outlook their possibly bright future undisturbed behind bars.
Although prisons are money-consuming organizations run by government. The money they cost will be less if there are no prisons and the police are made to arrest the some guy or gang over and over again. It always help the government to reduce to the minimal the cost on fighting crime. No better replacement has been introduced till now.
To sum up, prisons should forever be criminals' destinations, as is hoped by all honest people.

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jackiekoala

读了两篇文章，个人认为审题非常重要，人家问你为什么，你至少要找出三条理由，以第一个为例：
1. global business: spend less money, make more profit
2. travel for fun: broaden horizon, experience different culture
3. people have more money now: they can afford travel, they pursue spirtual happiness
4. attracted by adevertisement.
5. flow away from routine life.
还有一点，个人觉得很重要，就是作文格式，TOEFL作文有他的模式，雅思作文也有他的模式，大家还是都倾向于按套路出牌， 在此基础上，再加上你强大的词汇量才有可能上7分。
一家之言，仅供参考

西澳海豚

看完上面文章，第一個的感覺是你的逗號用的很氾濫阿。
一般句子很少用到兩個以上的逗號，不要追求太過華麗不實的複雜句子，簡單文法正確是你目前要注意的。

Some people, however, point out that criminals should, instead of being thrown into prison, do something else for the public to compensate for the harm they have imposed on the society.
或許可以寫成-----
It could be an argue to whom who committed a crime doing community service will be better than doing their time in jail.

另外我沒看到你就 something else as a punishment提出敘述。

They have once jeopardize people's belongings, wealth, trust or even lives, and they probably will. So they are too dangerous to live with.
或許可以寫成-----
People are afraid of living with ex-prisoners due to their outlaw records and the tendency to another offense.

你的一個句子都斷成好幾節阿~~
Before that happen, as soon as better, it is wise to confine their freedom to some extent, which ensure to eliminate any possibility of any further crime committed by them, and prison will be the best choice.
或許可以寫成-----
It is the best way to separate those convicts from general public, in order to eliminate the possibility of any disturbed toward those law abiding citizen.

寫你的意見，但是不要代表別人~~
To sum up, prisons should forever be criminals' destinations, as is hoped by all honest people.
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According to above, prison is the only and the best place criminals should go. Because of ( your reason )

OK~
我的作文也只有六分，所以有錯的地方也請大家指正。

這篇BOSSWOO寫的帖子很值得一看----
http://freeoz.org/ibbs/thread-968114-1-1.html

[ 本帖最后由 西澳瓶鼻海豚 于 14-9-2011 00:16 编辑 ]

ottozhou

感觉语言使用非常不自然，卖弄语法的痕迹太明显。
时态和谓语动词一致性还有待提高。

建议通篇都用过去时和现在完成时，保守但安全。

反正和报纸杂志广播电视的文章写法不同。

建议多看 time 和daily telegrouph 。

我当年读翻译的时候从里面抄了不少句型。

ps。我当年作文是G类的7。A类只拿过6。

riverain

其实这篇文章写的还是不错的. 语法没什么问题, 但是感觉表达并不是很smooth, 个别小问题, 单复数.  
而且感觉这篇文章的观点有点陈词滥调, 没有新意. 要拿高分还是有待提高.
我感觉这篇文章可以拿6, 但是看你在哪考了, 相对来说国内考要比国外要求松些. 个人感觉.
楼上的ottozhou的观点我比较同意.
祝你好运...

kuthlaav

谢谢各位大侠的指导。
向爱因斯坦学习，他做了3个小凳子，我写了第3遍文章。如果需要，我还会写第4，第5遍。你们的指导是不可缺少的。先行谢过。

Writing task 2
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
Today more people are travelling than ever before.
Why is this the case?
What are the benefits of travelling for the traveller?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Human society can not do without travel. In modern society more and more people choose to travel, for they have found it both rewarding and comfortable. Travel have brought about tremendous changes to everyone, and it is, without doubt, one of the most popular topics of conversation. But how come? To understand all these, we must figure out the reason and the motivation behind.
The major reason why more people travel is related to money. Such is human nature that people will venture into lucrative programs of all kinds, especially for those who esteem money as their first priority. With the giant pace of globalization, international businesses have been established all around the world. Thanks to this, travel industry gains prosperity and popularity as an essential link of globalization. Due to its close connection with modern business mode in some industries, travel frequency even become a yardstick against which success is measured. Furthermore, travel is a major entertainment for most people as well. Tired of stuck in one place and repeating the monotonous routine of everyday life, people find it hard to resist the temptation to spend their vacations in various place to court for relaxation and excitement. This helps, as agreed with many, to rekindle our waning passion in life.
From travel people benefit in more ways than one. Huge sums of money are obtained with international businesses developing smoothly. More employment opportunities are available in travel related industries. As travel has ensured a safe and comfortable journey in much shorter time than ever before, dreams and ambitions are being realized beyond geographical limitation. To some extent, travel has made the world smaller and every place nearer, which brings in a great deal of convenience to human being. In the process, people gain more various interesting and exciting experiences.
To sum up, travel has become an indispensable part of human society. With it, the vast and boundless world people used to know has become a global village. As science and technology progresses, travel between planet will hopefully cease to be a daydream.


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最后，问一点外行的问题。
大家都推荐times, ecomonics等等，请问新概念英语的三或者四怎么样呢？
此外，单纯为了提高雅思的作文分数，是不是以模板为基础，加入自己的创新的句型和套路会更加行之有效呢？
我知道，学习英语是一个漫长的过程，中间不能乱动歪脑筋。但仅仅针对考试，本来就是一个很快餐性质的东西，是否有其他的方法可以考虑呢？

kuthlaav

Some people think that is is better to educate boys and girls in separate schools. Others, however, believe that boys and girls benefit more from attending mixed schools.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


There are two kinds of schools for people to choose between, the separate schools and the mixed schools. Apart from the distinction of students' gender, there are some other different issues including school regulations, teaching methods, as well as campus atmosphere. Some people assert that separate schools are better regarding students' growth. Whereas some other argue that mixed schools are more suitable for young students.
Those who side with separate schools hold the opinion that separate school is a better place for students. First above all, discipline is one of the top priorities, which help student cultivate a strict and decent habit. With it, misbehavior and ill manners will be reduced to the minimal. Secondly, special curricular will enable students to bring their gender advantages to the full play, and to further develop their individual characteristics. Last but not least, it is absolutely effective to prevents students from being involved in love affairs with the opposite sex..
Some other, however, insist that students can benefit more in mixed school. One of the main reason is that schools are, to some extent, miniature communities in which men and women live together in harmony. There is no point in separating people apart for the sake of gender differences. Otherwise, students may fail to learn enough about the opposite sex and may develop sexual discrimination in their values. Furthermore, mixed schools don't overemphasize discipline but create a relaxing atmosphere for students. They are relatively tolerant and lenient places where students are allowed to make minor mistakes. It is helpful to relieve the tension from students and enables them to better focus on their study. Moreover, it contributes to relationship between boys and girls, and help them learn to get along with, as well as cooperate with each other. It is imperative to build up teamwork beyond sexual border.
I totally see eye to eye with the latter opinion. Men and women have lived together since as long ago as human came into being. It is against the law of nature in separating them apart under any circumstance. Boys and girls should be encouraged to go together. They can learn and compete as well as cooperate with each other, which is essential for them in the future.

kuthlaav

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Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?
Has this become a positive or negative development?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Tremendous changes has taken place in communication between people. Instead of writing letter, or making phone call, more efficient ways have come about like sending email, chatting on-line as well as video call. It is the new technology that provide people with such abundant options that even human lifestyle is experiencing amazing changes.
One can not fail to notice that life nowadays is much different from decades ago. In the past, post offices and telephone service providers played indispensable roles in people's communication. Without them, interaction between people in different places were impossible. Yet it is not the case any longer. Information can be sent to multiple targets in no time. Friends' images are always available as long as people get access to internet service. Without worrying about phone bills no more, phone call can be made via internet for free. Modern people are so spoiled that they would definitely find it impossible to accustom themselves to life back to a couple of decades ago.
Modern technology has changed the world so much that everyone benefit from it. First above all, thanks to technology, communication become so efficient that information can be spread around the world at once. Not only can people speak to or see their friends in an instant, but they can interact with many people in the same time. Furthermore, to realize all functions mentioned above, they need to pay much less than imagined. As long as internet access is granted, a huge number of free options are available. Moreover, the technology is still developing at tremendous speed that the world is getting smaller and the life is made easier.
Life is better due to new technology. It has changed people's life dramatically and has brought about great benefit to all mankind.