Step by Step 剖析雅思写作：一套行之有效的布局谋篇方法 (pdf完全版已推出)

Abigail_LL

Appreciate your sharing! It is beneficial for maximizing the IELTS score. 我这句应该没错误吧 呼呼
回去好好研究研究阿 LS分享得很有用

crystal08418

以后有时间了好好看看 多谢楼主

鱼在岸上

强大的楼主啊，请帮看下我写的作文。我每次写作文，主题段的论证逻辑都头疼的要死，请楼主提出宝贵的建议。谢谢啊，下月7号的要考了。。

A country becomes more interesting and develops more quickly when its population includes a mixture of nationalities and cultures. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

With the sweeping trend of globalization, countries increasingly frequently interact with each other in economy, culture and politics. This mutual interaction would probably generate large flux of migrants among countries, which may bring significant impacts on local daily life and social development. This essay will argue that countries the world over would profit enormously from the mixture of nationalities and cultures although they should be confront with some drawbacks as well. The reasons for my position are as follows.

Obviously, both nations and local citizens will benefit from multi-culture and globalization. To begin with, people who live with many foreigners may experience more cultures, customs, festivals and religions than those who only communicate to native residents. These experiences definitely enrich their entertainments in spare time, which would make their lives more stimulating and colorful. One particular salient example of cultural diversity is Christmas Day of western countries. People from eastern countries these days could also spend it together, sharing happiness and fun with families and friends. Moreover, nations with mixed nationalities and cultures are probably more competitive associated with the fact that international trades and communication with foreigners require a deeply mutual understanding. As a result, more connection to person of various nationalities may frequently promote the social development eventually.

Admittedly, this phenomenon has brought some negative impacts on the society as well, but it is still under control. Firstly, some historical traditions or customs would disappear gradually as the cultural assimilation, and it may cause ethnic conflicts because of communication barriers between different nationalities. More serious is eroding local values, thus native culture seems to lose its dominant roles finally. Nonetheless, these problems could probably be addressed or avoided by correct guidance and stringent control of the authorities. At the meantime, people are also advised to enhance their ability of justice in order to reject the dross and assimilate the essence.

By way of conclusion, it is the mixed nationalities and cultures that make it possible for persons to live more interesting and countries to develop more quickly. Although there are still several potential threatens to social development, a mixed population structure really deserves recommendation.

[ 本帖最后由 鱼在岸上 于 15-12-2011 17:34 编辑 ]

yrqin

A country becomes more interesting and develops more quickly when its population includes a mixture of nationalities and cultures. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

With the sweeping trend of globalization, countries increasingly frequently，有点拗口 interact with each other in economy, culture and politics. This mutual interaction would probably generate large flux of migrants among countries, which may bring significant impacts on local daily life and social development. This essay will argue that [countries the world over,有点拗口] would profit enormously from the mixture of nationalities and cultures although they should be confront[ed?要想拿7分以上，这类似的错误就不要犯] with some drawbacks as well. The reasons for my position are as follows. [总的来说，very good，篇幅上稍微长了一点点，如果能更精练些更好了]

Obviously, both [nations->domestic economy,更好？] and local citizens [and前后部分与主体段里相应的论述次序是不一致的，这个最好避免] will->would benefit from multi-culture and globalization. To begin with, people who live with many foreigners may experience more cultures, customs, festivals and religions than those who only communicate to native residents. These experiences [definitely->are likely to] enrich their entertainments in spare time, which would make their lives more stimulating and colorful. One particular salient example of cultural diversity is Christmas Day of western countries. People from eastern countries these days could also spend it together, sharing happiness and fun with families and friends. Moreover, nations with mixed nationalities and cultures are probably more competitive associated with the fact that international trades and communication with foreigners require a deeply mutual understanding. As a result, more connection to person of various nationalities may frequently promote the social development eventually.

Admittedly, this phenomenon has brought some negative impacts on the society as well, but it is still under control. Firstly, some historical traditions or customs would disappear gradually as the cultural assimilation, and it may cause ethnic conflicts because of communication barriers between different nationalities. More serious is eroding local values, thus native culture seems to lose its dominant roles finally. Nonetheless, these problems could probably be [addressed->tackled] or avoided by correct guidance and stringent control of the authorities. At the meantime, people are also advised to enhance their ability of justice in order to reject the dross and assimilate the essence.

[By way of conclusion->In conclusion，简洁明了], it is the mixed nationalities and cultures that make it,前后2个it，不是很好。这个句子不够自然了 possible for persons to live more interesting and countries to develop more quickly. Although there are still several potential threatens to social development, a mixed population structure really deserves recommendation.

由于结尾段还没来得及推出。。。这里先简单介绍下吧：
In conclusion/To sum up/To conclude/In summary, although xxx， yyy （主体段的总结，同义转换，最好show一下你这方面很行）. Therefore/As a result/Thus/Consequently, zzz (essay观点重申，同义转换，similarly，最好show一下你这方面很行). [All in all, #%$#%@$%. 如果有信心有能力，那么在这里展望一下未来、合理延伸你的观点等等]

以上是结尾段的最基本的写法。

总的来说，这篇作文写得不错了，小作文好好写，你一定可以考出理想的分数的。Bless～

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 16-12-2011 09:17 编辑 ]

鱼在岸上

这篇作文是卡着时间写然后自己再按本帖的讲解修改了的，其实不是太能体现自己考试时的水平。yrqin的讲解对我很有用，明白了很多之前很模糊的概念，谢谢。下次我贴一篇限时写的原版。

mrcoder

太精彩了，只是楼主能不能稍微加快一点速度？我二雅是1月7号的。

yrqin

帖子一楼有些内容更新，希望有用。

上周杂事太多了，所以没有更新。今天会继续更新本帖子，尽量更新多点内容进来。争取圣诞节前全部弄完。

yrqin

从这一楼开始，将要介绍的是语言班阅读课程里面的内容。主要是介绍如何鉴赏文献的。一共会有五个部分：Module 5 (Reading 1) 至Module 5 (Reading 5)。逐一介绍了对文献进行解析的方法、区别和分析句子之间逻辑关系的方法以及句子之间各种逻辑关系的linking words的介绍及其使用。内容详尽，值得仔细研读。

Module 5 (Reading 1): additional Information from Reading textbook: detailing the body of an essay

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yrqin

Module 5 (Reading 2): relationship in text - addition & sequence

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yrqin

Module 5 (Reading 3): Paragraphs in context - short expository text

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鱼在岸上

请yrqin再帮我看看，谢谢。另外，我每次文章都写很长，怎么才能写短些呢？

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical service should be run by the government instead of profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the advantages?

In contemporary society, good medical treatment is a fundamental demand of human beings. There are two options for patients in most countries which are public hospital and private hospital. This essay will argue that the outstanding benefits of private health care are particularly worth mentioning comparing with its drawbacks. The reasons for my position are as follows.

Firstly, private hospitals tend to be more efficient and effective than public hospitals in patient treatment mechanism. Most patients are appointed to and then followed up by the same private doctor at all times who would gain sound understandings of their illness condition. Some private hospitals also afford special service of treating people at home, which would be particularly beneficial to elderly and disabled people. The sick in private hospitals, as a result, would probably receive the most immediate and appropriate health treatments. In contrast, unlike in private hospitals, there are far more patients in public hospitals because of their free or low cost. Consequently, the sick persons there are likely to suffer more by a long time waiting.

Further and more importantly, people under private health care seem to be entitled to receive better treatments, both in medical facilities and professional doctors. It mainly attributes to the fact that private medical organizations are mostly profit-making companies. To attract more clients, they have to allocate more money than non-profit hospitals to purchase advanced medical equipments and to employ excellent experts. In all likelihood, it is in this way that the sick could get more recovery chances.

Admittedly, private heath care is generally costly, especially to the impoverished and the unemployed, but its competitive and supplementary positions cannot be neglected. The potential threatens of private hospitals could probably avoid monopoly on medical care and impel public hospitals continuously to improve their services. Besides, to release pressures of increasing medical demands and tight government budget these days, private health organizations are also well-advised to offer chargeable services to those who can afford them.

In conclusion, private organizations deserve recommendation in terms of efficiency, facilities and even technology. Private and public health care are also not mutually exclusive and both of them should be involved in national medical system.

yrqin

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical service should be run by the government instead of profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the advantages?

In contemporary society, good medical treatment is a fundamental demand of human beings. [Regarding places offering treatment,这样顺畅不少] There are two options for patients in most countries which are public hospital and private hospital. This essay will argue that the outstanding benefits of private health care are particularly worth mentioning comparing with its drawbacks. The reasons for my position are as follows.

Firstly, private hospitals tend to be more efficient and effective than public hospitals in patient treatment mechanism. Most patients are appointed to and then followed up by the same private doctor at [all->most] times who would gain sound understandings of their illness condition[s]. Some private hospitals also afford special service of treating people at home, which would be particularly beneficial to elderly and disabled people. The sick in private hospitals, as a result, [would probably->can,这里would用的太多了，可以用can，could等等替换] receive the most immediate and appropriate health treatments. In contrast, unlike in private hospitals, there are far more patients in public hospitals because of their free or low cost. Consequently, the sick persons there are likely to suffer more [by->because of] a long time waiting.[这一段这么长只写了1到2个优点，如果题目要你论述private service和public service那个更efficient，更effective，那么你这个主体段是很好的，那么下一个主体段就可以写public service在那些方面做得不好，所以不够efficient，不够effective。但是，题目的要求却不是这样的，而是要你直接比较private service本身的优缺点，因而主题句过于狭窄了。换句话说，你这个主体段的主题句定的不好，所以你才需要下面那个主体段继续论述private service的好处。这也就导致了篇幅过长的问题。其实这个把简单的事情弄复杂了。你把这两段的主要内容合并，重写一个主题句，然后从新组织一个主体段，主要论述private service的优点就好了]

Further and more importantly, people under private health care seem to be entitled to receive better treatments, both in medical facilities and professional doctors. It mainly attributes to the fact that private medical organizations are mostly profit-making companies. To attract more clients, they have to allocate more money than non-profit hospitals to purchase advanced medical [equipments,只有单数形式吧？] and to employ excellent experts. In all likelihood, it is in this way that the sick could get more recovery chances.

Admittedly, private heath care is generally costly, especially to the impoverished and the unemployed, but its competitive and supplementary positions cannot be neglected，还是布局谋篇的问题，你的观点里认为private servie优点比缺点多，那么前面论述了优点多，列举了和说明了各种好处，那么这里就应该是让步段了，你应该直接列举并说明private service的缺点（不要太多就行了）。不要怕，你就直接列吧，不需要说这些缺点无所谓，好解决。这个你不需要担心，也不需要论述。这一段你就列几个缺点，完了。简单明了。最后在最后一段就直接得出你的结论吧。. The potential threatens of private hospitals could probably avoid monopoly on medical care and impel public hospitals continuously to improve their services. Besides, to release pressures of increasing medical demands and tight government budget these days, private health organizations are also well-advised to offer chargeable services to those who can afford them.

In conclusion, private organizations deserve recommendation in terms of efficiency, facilities and even technology. Private and public health care are also not mutually exclusive and both of them should be involved in national medical system，有些许离题了，因为你前文并没有论述到这点. [结尾段写的比较乱，你看我上次给你的建议吧。那是很正宗的写法，也比较不容易出错]

总的来说，感觉你对这个题目的写法不是很明确，信心也不是很足，布局谋篇方面略显逊色了。
（不过不要灰心啊，好的地方很多，表扬的话我就不罗嗦了 ）

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 17-12-2011 21:19 编辑 ]

鱼在岸上

我发现我确实有点走题了。这种题目的要求是肯定要两方都要论述吧？这种不能写一边倒吧？我写都有点偏向一边倒了，yrqin真是火眼金睛。稍后我修改一下发上来。谢谢yrqin！

cloudsflo

又写了篇，觉得扣题了， 但是用词比较平淡。
=================
Economic growth has made people richer both in developing countries and developed countries. However, studies show that people in developing countries are happier than before while people in developed countries are not.
What are the causes of this phenomenon and what lessons can we learn from it?
In the past decade, unparalleled economic development has happened globally. However, unlike individuals in developed countries, most of the people in developing countries tend to feel more satisfied with their lives than in the past.

It is true that the increase of the living standards make people in developing countries feel happy, while individuals in rich countries are not simply satisfied by economic growth and they need more. Firstly, in the past, due to lack of food, people usually could not get enough nutrition and consequently lived in poor lives. But now, they could have enriched kinds of food including not only fresh food cultivated locally but also processed food produced remotely. Therefore, they have a higher level of happiness. At the same time, it is a totally different story for people living in developed countries. They are facing more issues spiritually after they have already lived in abundant lives. Due to stressful work and fast-paces life, the elderly could not get enough care from their own children who are struggling to keep their jobs or manage to get an excellent career development. So they miss the golden moments of the past when economics did not develop so fast.

Based on the discussion above, it is time for all of us to think about what contributes to the sense of happiness. I think people should pay attention to spiritual satisfaction when pursuing material development. A person is not a robot who can keep working and earning money. Individuals need to spend quality time with the family and enjoy various ways of recreation. Economic growth could not necessarily brings happiness to everyone because stress and isolation comes along with it.

In conclusion, I believe the different feelings regarding economic growth reflect that economic development does contribute to the sense of happiness, but it is not the whole story, as spiritual satisfaction equally plays important role in it.

kidd

As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?


There is an ongoing debate of whether the process of globalization results in the fact that cultural identity will vanish. Some argue it is inevitable. As I see it, globalization is being intensified, and the main reason is largely due to the demands of economic development. In this essay, two aspects of such demands will be outlined：

One side of needs from economic development is that the impact of dominant communication is massive to the minority cultures. Because of their instinct of pursuit to profit, dominant communication only focuses on their own cultures to spread over the world instead of minority cultures. Hollywood blockbusters, NBA playoffs and all similar television shows are filling the screens of the public, whereas, many forms of folk arts in different nations  cannot easily be seen on television any more. The past solid shield between different cultures has been broken by the domination of mass communication.

Another side of needs from economic development is an influence from modern transport; an appropriate example is ,comfortable jumbo jets are extremely efficient and tourists can be delivered anywhere on earth to their dream destinations in 24 hours. Meanwhile, the locals at tourist attractions are getting accustomed to the current “vibrant” lives rather than the peaceful lives in the past. They have started to concentrates on the money from the flourishing tourism, hotels, gift shops, drugs and alcohol have changed the locals’ habits and lives completely.

Admittedly, some may claim that it is impossible that all of  cultural identities can be lost, such as the history books and ancient rock arts. However, since they have become the history, it exactly means they are no longer vital and developed in future.

Overall, I take the view that the cultural identity is highly likely to vanish in future ,due to the significant influence from the demands of economic development and globalization is not easy to  hold back.

[ 本帖最后由 kidd 于 21-12-2011 12:52 编辑 ]

yrqin

Economic growth has made people richer both in developing countries and developed countries. However, studies show that people in developing countries are happier than before while people in developed countries are not.
What are the causes of this phenomenon and what lessons can we learn from it?

In the past decade, unparalleled economic development has happened globally. However, unlike individuals in developed countries, most of the people in developing countries tend to feel more satisfied with their lives than in the past. [这个背景介绍太次了，回去改去。。。看来你对背景介绍还是很迷茫啊。。。推荐你看我一楼里大力推荐的另一个精华帖子，里面有说明怎么写背景介绍和开头段的；也可以看我的帖子里面相关的内容，不许偷懒啊 ]

It is true that the increase of the living standards make[s，低级语法错] people in developing countries feel happy, while individuals in rich countries are not simply satisfied by economic growth and they need more. Firstly, in the past, due to lack of food, people [who? in rich countries or in poor countries? it is very confusing] usually could not get enough nutrition and consequently lived in poor lives. But now, they could have enriched kinds of food including not only fresh food cultivated locally but also processed food produced remotely. Therefore, they have a higher level of happiness. At the same time, it is a totally different story for people living in developed countries. [Because] They are facing more issues spiritually after they have already lived in abundant lives. Due to stressful work and fast-paces life, the elderly could not get enough care from their own children who are struggling to keep their jobs or manage to get an excellent career development. So they miss the golden moments of the past when economics did not develop so fast.

[Based on the discussion above, it is time for all of us to think about what contributes to the sense of happiness.，这句话这么表达不好，还是客观点吧，直截了当的说：Understanding the causes of the phenomenon that 同义转换现象的描述, there are some lessons we can learn from it. Firstly,... Secondly,....，这个模式如果你还没有掌握好或者不认可的话（即：高质量的topic sentence+2到3个有利支持论点，每个论点后跟一句有力的支持句，这个模式），论证逻辑和布局谋篇会很难提高上去的。只有当你按照这个模式这么写的时候，你也能够有理有据，有力支撑你的topic sentence，那么就有了相当的基本功了。建议你在这方面多下工夫。谨记topic sentence是统领全段，又用于支持你的全文观点的，写作手法和技巧务必掌握透彻。其实是一件很简单的事情啊，切记切记] I think people should pay attention to spiritual satisfaction when pursuing material development. A person is not a robot who can keep working and earning money. Individuals need to spend quality time with the family and enjoy various ways of recreation. Economic growth could not necessarily brings happiness to everyone because stress and isolation comes along with it.

In conclusion, I believe the different feelings regarding economic growth reflect that economic development does contribute to the sense of happiness, but it is not the whole story, as spiritual satisfaction equally plays important role in it. [如果能做到准确概括全文（注意是全文）就更好了，不过结尾段一般由于时间关系，考场上结尾段其实不是那么的重要，当然不能天花乱坠地写前文根本没有提过的东西。这是我的亲身经历证明了的。]

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 22-12-2011 07:43 编辑 ]

yrqin

As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?


There is an ongoing debate of whether the process of globalization results in the fact that cultural identity will vanish. Some argue it is inevitable. As I see it, globalization is being intensified, and the main reason is largely due to the demands of economic development [观点不清晰，没有直接回答题目的问题]. In this essay, two aspects of such demands will be outlined[：->.不建议用冒号。。。]

One side of needs，这个表达不地道 from economic development is that the impact of dominant communication is massive to the minority cultures. Because of their instinct of pursuit to profit, dominant communication [only->违反tentativeness的写作要求] focuses on their own cultures to spread over the world instead of minority cultures. Hollywood blockbusters, NBA playoffs and [all->违反tentativeness的写作要求] similar television shows are filling the screens of the public, whereas, many forms of folk arts in different nations cannot easily be seen on television any more. The past solid [shield]->barrier?] between different cultures has been broken by the domination of mass communication.

Another side of needs from economic development is an influence from modern transport[;->.] an appropriate example is ,comfortable jumbo jets are extremely efficient and [tourists can be [delivered->这个用词不是太好，感觉对词和句式的把握能力还是有所欠缺] [anywhere->违反tentativeness的写作要求] on earth to their dream destinations in 24 hours. Meanwhile, the locals at tourist attractions are getting accustomed to the current “vibrant” lives rather than the peaceful lives in the past. They have started to concentrates on the money from the flourishing tourism, hotels, gift shops, drugs and alcohol have changed the locals’ habits and lives completely.

Admittedly, some may claim that it is impossible that all of  cultural identities can be lost, such as the history books and ancient rock arts. However, since they have become the history, it exactly means they are no longer vital and developed in future. [这一段显得单薄了点]

Overall, I take the view that the cultural identity is highly likely to vanish in future ,due to the significant influence from the demands of economic development and globalization is not easy to  hold back. [感觉还行]

注意：违反tentativeness的写作要求的地方越多，essay越没有说服力


[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 22-12-2011 07:56 编辑 ]

yrqin

建议大家还是把作文帖外面来吧，我一个人力量总是有限的，应该争取更多的人加入讨论
坛子里卧虎藏龙的，很多写作高手，他们在写作上也会有自己的独到的见解的

这几天我争取尽快把帖子结了，整理一份尽量详尽的pdf文档，希望可以帮到大家。

（目前打算在word文档里面，把所有的内容完成，然后直接转pdf文档，放到论坛上来。所以剩余的内容估计就不贴出来了。）

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 22-12-2011 08:30 编辑 ]

yrqin

这里附上一份我2009年的作文练习，大概是5.5分到6分水平的（我在2009年5月底考了5.5分，而在2009年7月底考了6分）：

leoyy发表于 2009-6-20 10:51

[试题讨论] yrqin请进
http://edu.taisha.org/bbs/redire ... amp;goto=nextoldset

Discuss
Eg: 2005年7月9日

When it comes to the problem of （of不需要，后面的句子做的是problem的同位语）who should pay for health care and education, people hold different views. Some people argue that the government should take the responsibility to pay for health care and education while other people disagree with this opinion.

第一段基本上是对原文的重复，在任何场合（考试或者实际写作）都是一种最低端的做法。最好的做法是要paraphrase。这是第一个问题。第二个问题是：你的第一段只有background information，但没有你自己的观点——这是英文argumentation里比较忌讳的：因为雅思考官看那么多文章（很多很恶）就跟经济危机下公司看简历一样，所以目的一定要明确。第一段一般写法是background+your own opinion。论点在最后点出的一般是：1中国人的思维方式；2比较高级的写作手法（如果你前面有条有理的写法）


On the one hand, people who support the idea that the government should be responsible for health care and education usually claim (claim一般是指宣称，也就是“无根据的传说”，如果你用了这个词在这里，我读到这里第一个感觉就是，你（隐含表示）认为这个观点是不可行不适合，你不认为这个观点正确） that the government receives a great deal of tax revenue each year. The tax revenue comes from the income of workers, factories and companies and from products that have been bought or sold to customers（？？that have been bought 【by customers】 or sold to customers 注意介词正确搭配), and so forth. In other words, the tax revenue is from people in （of） the country. Hence, the government should use （this）money to improve the health care and education from which the whole population can benefit a great deal.

这段一看和下一段差不多长度，but只陈述了一个理由。（我还没看到下一段）有些尝试性内容其实可以不写（我能理解凑字数的想法，但是在阅卷人看起来，就是“这个我已经知道，是常识，为什么还要写这么长一个句子给我解释？”我猜你的意思是：取之于民，应该用之于民，但是中间关于“tax”是从哪里来的那句话，太长了。）

改一下看看（我没对你的内容和用词做很大修改）：

Those who support this point often think that part of the tax revenue should be used to improve the health care and education （你的主要观点）, from which the whole population can benefit a great deal （补充说明）, as most of the government tax revenue are from the people of the country.（提供理由）

简单的方法（我常用）：先写下几个句子（简单句），把自己想说的写下来。然后考虑这几个句子之间的逻辑关系。which one is the main idea I want to express——主句，一般要强调，可以放在最前面（your main idea is first presented)，那些是理由理由，那些是让步，那些是补充说明某个成分的。。。这样就可以试着写长句（当然看例句是个好的学习方式，你可以照着模仿着写）

（逻辑关系语法里应该都学过了，句子和段落其实是一样的，即：让步，转折，因果，递进。。。等等）

On the other hand, people who are against the above view have their concerns. If the government invests a large amount of money in health care and education, it will certainly have to greatly reduce money that can be invested in other areas, such as transportation, real estate, industry and so on. Undoubtedly, these areas are also very significant to the development of the society. 这句话写在这里象半吊子水——这些areas很重要（原因），结果是什么？和**要不要付给education和HC?  As a result, the government should balance the investment on different areas to develop all aspects of the society.这句话完全走样了。你这段写的是：不支持＋不支持的理由。最后这句话变成了compromise——不是不支持，而是**需要平衡。时髦的话说，这是argument里的偷换概念。不支持=/=平衡投资

这一段比上一段更加糟糕——因为最后一句话没有support这段的观点。


From my point of view, not only the government has the responsibility to pay for health care and education, but also the whole population should provide their own help. 这段跟主题又不是同一个问题了，你在最后需要conclude的时候冒出一个另外环节：就是population该怎么做。。。这不是一个收尾的段，rather，是一个转折段。如果我是reader，我认为你接下去第五段该写人民怎么用own help来支持**。Only by coping with the problem in this way can we best balance the development of our society.

问题：
1 首段没自己的观点。考官看得很糊涂
2 第二第三段各一个理由，且不论写得如何，感觉理由平分秋色，各打50大板（最没观点？）
3 结尾干巴巴提出自己的看法（感觉和上2段是悬空的，就是你并不是在上2段的分析基础上得出自己的结论，而是说理由正，说理由反，关管他们的理由是啥，反正我的看法就是这个）

改进：
1考察句子和句子之间的逻辑关系，尽量用内容本身的逻辑来连接句子，而不是用hence，forthermore这种外接词汇。类比说，这些词，就像胶水。一张纸，最牢靠的是它本身分子之间的张力和吸引力；如果撕破了再用胶水粘，看上去是粘牢了，但是内部的联系不存在了。

2考虑理由。分析问题。比如我看这个题目，我的理解就会分析人群。想要**支持的，很可能是家庭贫穷的，付不起health care和education的人群；不希望**支持的（正如你说的那些理由，交通等等），可能是那些富有家庭，他们不在乎全民方面的投资，更多看重的是其他发展。——当然这是一种分法。

3结尾忌讳开放式，提出新观点——你不是写论文。论文是开放式的，这种文章通常是封闭式的。就是“综上所述，我的结论是X”，而且这个结论是应该就上面分析得出的，而不是架空的。

4如果写两边都有理的文章，一般不好写（容易做和事佬）。考虑雅思就400来字40分钟的情况，我觉得一边倒会好写一点（当然也看题目而定，有些一边倒不好写）。但就算是两边都有理，最好还是有侧重点。因为一个问题，往往还是需要一个答案（雅思类的考题？），所以就是最好分析X虽然也有一定的道理，但是就目前情况而言，还是Y合适一些。

5最好要把某个问题放在一定的situation里讨论。比如我们说，communism is better than capitalism。OK，没问题，中级目标肯定是前者好。but放在苏联实践是个啥结果？古巴？朝鲜？德国？china？。。。。。。结果都不一样吧。

last but not least （哈哈哈，写这个词我都笑了，我爆恶的一个词组），best wishes~

[ 本帖最后由 leoyy 于 2009-6-20 11:19 编辑 ]


yrqin于22/12/2011后记：回头看看自己的作文，还蛮有意思的。leoyy是太傻论坛上的顶尖的写作高手，我至今无法望其项背，而且极富个性。当然我跟他的缘分也止于这一篇作文而已，因为我后来作文有了6分，缺的是口语6分。回到leoyy的点评上，我当时其实仍旧似懂非懂；只有当我经历了语言班的洗礼之后，才深刻理解了他的点评。

送奋斗中的各位一句话：(在雅思写作方面)你们的今天大约就是我的昨天，希望我的今天是你们的即将到来的明天！

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 22-12-2011 08:32 编辑 ]

yrqin

pdf完全版本已推出，链接在帖子一楼开头。帖子到此结了。谢谢支持！谢谢参与！

andy_0

原帖由 yrqin 于 23-12-2011 18:45 发表

                               
登录/注册后可看大图

pdf完全版本已推出，链接在帖子一楼开头。帖子到此结了。谢谢支持！谢谢参与！

老兄，你的链接只有翻蔷才能上

yrqin

多谢楼上指出。百度文库还是审核中，快一天了。现在放到了豆丁网上，感觉跟百度文库很像，都是要注册才能下载的。不过好在注册起来还是相当方便的。

pdf文档在豆丁网的地址请参见帖子一楼。

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 24-12-2011 10:33 编辑 ]

yrqin

无意中发现了一个类似经验的帖子，供各位参考：

http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewt ... id=49287#pid3434132
olive_green 发表于 28-4-2011 04:41
说到IELTS,我来给些经验
本人考了三次雅思，听力从6到8，阅读稳定在7， 写作在5.5-6.5， 口语稳定在6-6.5

听力是个循序渐进的过程，雅思的听力要求听写，很多时候你不能等那个词出现，你需要有全局的理解，我建议除了听剑桥系列，可以尝试听下TED，对提高语感很有帮助，本人最后一次听力到8，而且没有看过机经，全靠TED

阅读是个看功力的部分，雅思是有解题技巧的，但是没有大量的词汇量是不行的，没有理解，很多细节题无从做起，本人推荐国内六级英语词汇，可以随便买本背一下，对雅思很有帮助。

写作，很多人都在研究句型，语法，第一次考5.5的时候我的句型全是复杂句，但是并没有给我满意的分数。后来经人提点，大家也可以注意一下，其实是结构，很多人写了篇没有任何语法问题的文章，但还是5-5.5，为什么？整体的结构，有没有preview.,etc.事实证明这很重要，我家亲爱的就是遵循严谨的结构在G类写作中考出了7.5的高分。

口语，这个部分其实有很大部分是运气，因为是主观的评分。但是这部分确实是可以通过准备来保底。尽量多准备点topic，对考试绝对有帮助。

如果有困惑，也欢迎把你们写的发给我，我有时间可以帮忙修改下。

最后，希望不要让雅思成为移民路上的绊脚石。

http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewt ... id=49287#pid3440319
olive_green 发表于 2-5-2011 02:46
谈下a类的写作结构
首先是开头
开头部分先写背景，有一个大致的介绍；接着要写你的THESIS，很多人写开头不写THESIS;最后也是很关键的，就是要有preview,让考官根据你的preview，就知道你接着要分几步走，一篇再简练的学术类论文都该有这个部分。而这部分需要你对你要写的BODY有个很清晰的轮廓。
第二部分就是BODY，在每个你要论述的观点上，你需要有各段的主旨句，接着是supporting evidence,可以是某人说的，也可以是例子，最好老外能懂的，最后你要有一句对你这个部分的总结句。依次类推，你每个观点都需要有这样清晰的结构。
其次，就是衔接词的运用，such as, additionally, besides, moreover, further.,etc
结尾部分要先对你的全文进行概括，重述你之前论述的观点，最后你可以提出一些措施。但是千万不要涉及新的内容。

大致就是这些了，乃吾之拙见。大家可以看下自己平时练习的文章是否与上述有差距。
最后，就是语言的运用，这个需要多练习。
希望可以帮到各位烤鸭

[点评] 这些都是真知灼见，与本帖子的主旨是一致的。

该是结束这个帖子的时候了    祝福仍在奋斗中的各位！

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 24-12-2011 10:38 编辑 ]

yanalxy

这样的好文章怎能不加精

cloudsflo

有一事不明。
如果一个命题 问agree or disagree?
我能主体一说为什么不同意， 主体二说我认为什么样是对的吗？ for example, the goverment should pay course fees, agree or disagree? I think peopel should pay them by themselves

yrqin

有一事不明。
如果一个命题 问agree or disagree?
我能主体一说为什么不同意， 主体二说我认为什么样是对的吗？ for example, the goverment should pay course fees, agree or disagree? [I think peopel should pay them by themselves->I think peopel should pay their course fees by themselves, them和themselves指的东西不一样，会比较拗口]

这么写可以的。

主体一：为什么不同意（government should pay） 主体二： 为什么（people should pay）

或者

主体一：为什么（people should pay） 主体二： 为什么不同意（government should pay）

不过感觉这个还是有点乱，如果让我写的话，应该会是

主体一（让步段）：为什么（government should pay） 主体二： 为什么（people should pay）

或者

主体一：为什么（people should pay） 主体二（让步段）： 为什么（government should pay）

就是不要纠结于agree还是disagree，如果通过一个主体段分析（people should pay）的理由是什么，另一个主体段分析government should pay的理由是什么？

最后（回应并）得出自己的观点就比较自然了。

我一般是先写自己的观点，写得饱满点。然后写让步段，写得可能会逊色点，因为时间越往后，越紧张了脑子也越混乱了。

对于考官来说，我感觉也是重点看前两段

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 24-12-2011 16:53 编辑 ]

wolflight

楼主好人，能帮帮小弟看看我这篇吗？跪求相助。

Modern lifestyle means that many parents have little time for their children. Many children do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Nowadays, with the development of economic, the lifestyle of modern society has changed a lot, some people maintain that we put less efforts and attention on children that before. However, personally, I have doubt about this opinion.

Parents are actually paying more attention on their children for they squeeze more time to company with their teenagers on both education and entertainment. Specifically, nowadays, increasingly numerous parents begin to more money and time into the interests of their kids, such as piano and painting in earlier age of them. And after school, they will also assist their children if difficulties are met. Besides, many fathers and mothers realize that they need to play a key role on helping their youngsters relieve the pressure from school, taking them to appreciate films and companying with them for the whole weekend are good cases in point. All of these activities are taking a higher proportion of the time owned by parents than ever before.

On the other hand, there is no denying that some parents are not motivated enough to spend more time on their children due to some reason. They tend to be lazy after one day work and some of them have to work overtime improving their performance. In addition, there are family members who are more willing to put efforts on their job career to earn more money. However, they are still small groups of people among public. Many families choose to have no kid when they are still in the early stage of the job career in order to avoid possible tensions between juveniles’ care and high pressure from work. Actually, modern families are very wise on how to keep balance between them.

In conclusion, I would like to advocate that it is not because of modern lifestyle that parents begin to neglect their children. On the country, they find they need to give higher priority to nurture children in order to make them be able to keep pace with modern society. As for the causes of phenomenon of neglecting children can be more sophisticated than we imagine.

林筱饭

为下载我专门去注册了豆丁
第一个网盘打不开

cloudsflo

谢谢yrqin

Merry Christmas

xiaoyi_lee

貌似我打开了，顺利下载了ye
楼主不光是个听话的好同学，还是个热心的好青年！
长篇巨制啊，跟剑桥模拟题长度相当，可以考虑出书了，就瞄准剑桥的价格定价，呵呵
多谢楼主