Step by Step 剖析雅思写作：一套行之有效的布局谋篇方法 (pdf完全版已推出)

qingxizhou

多谢分享，期待后续内容

鱼在岸上

谢谢楼主

calous

高手啊。。

dasauto

毅力可嘉啊，能沉下心做事真不错~~

Owen_LIU

我要留名，时常来学习

林筱饭

期待LZ更新

kidd

楼主英雄,感谢分享~~~ 希望楼主尽快更新,或者直接跳到module8 :writing  examination essays. 快考了,担心看不到楼主完贴了.

qingxizhou

仔细读了topic sentence之后，才真正了解它的作用

林筱饭

我贴一篇最近写的作文，请yrqin和各位同学点评，多谢哦

题目：Some people believe the elderly said that life is better in the past. Do you agree or disagree?

In the half past century, the world has changed at a staggering rate. Therefore some elderly cannot adapt to the world which is quite different from their familiar one, and they say that life in the past is much better than life in current society. Some people believe in it. Although I admit that there are some disadvantages in modern world, but I disagree with this view because I believe the modern society has more advantages than drawbacks.

First and foremost, the progressions in technology and science have brought so many good products for us. The new technologies boost our efficiency and productivity, and thus there are loads of new products that are made to satisfy people in various fields, such as washing machine, air condition, airplane, all kinds of food, etc. People in the past cannot live a better life when they were tired down by housework and had few choices of food or transports.

Furthermore, people enjoy far more information than before. In the past, when a letter or a travel took for a few months, people really knew little about the whole world and most of them had to live in a small village for an entire life. In contrast, nowadays, people can easily travel to any countries in the world by air and chat with a friend by phone despite of the distance; they can get large amount of news and know different culture through TV programs, as well as take an open course lesson and search information on the Internet. Thus, people who enjoy the life current society would never like to go back to the past days without so much knowledge and information.

On the other hand, some serious problems are linked to the development of current society. To begin with, many people have been tired down by the competition and the fast pace of life, so they always feel depressed and tense in life. What is more, the high crime rate in the city has lead to a sense of insecurity and the bad pollutions in many areas have badly influenced people’s health. But it is unreasonable to assume that the life is better in the past because of above factors. There would be other problems in the past, such as starving, war and diseases that cannot be able to cure because of the limit medical conditions.

To sum up, I disagree with the opinion that people in the past live a better life. I think the advancing technology has brought more positive changes to the world. So, people in the future would always have a higher level of life conditions as we have than the past.

rickhan

收藏了，练习时要好好回顾！

amanda_chen3

好贴啊，ＬＺ好人．
先留名，再学习．

planwalker

谢谢楼主的奉献

hyexhi

真心 感谢！！！

kidd

职场中是否只有工作时间久的员工才应该得到晋升的机会，你是否同意，为什么

正文:276字.
There is an ongoing debate about the discussion of whether senior employees should  get promotion in an enterprise.  I tend to disagree with the view. some primary reasons are as follows:

First of all, the standard of promotion in an organization should be how much the dedication  the employees did, instead of how long their resumes are. The factors employers considered  are what about the profit for the sales, or how good reputation about their businesses the staff performed and so forth. If only the period staff has in a firm viewed as the aspect for promotion, the future of this firm will go astray. Additionally, the young staff in this enterprise will be frustrated if they cannot get any chance to develop their careers.  Before they are getting enough old,  the only thing they should do is waiting for getting old.  I am not convinced that any employer is pleased to see such young staff in his/her business. The entire firm will be without any vigor and prospect. young fellows lack any motivation ,while senior staff are stably sitting on their position admired for ages.

By contrast, some may claim that old stuff are typically experienced and will be helpful to the development of a firm. Indeed in a way, in some cases, however, the age is not equal to the experience. And a employee lack of experience cannot deal with any critical problem.

Overall, I take the view that the chance of promotion should be considered in various capacities rather than the staff's age only. The sienor staff  can be elevated or not ,which  really  depends on how much their dedication they brought about for the business.

kidd

早晨回忆11.4号G类大作文,重写了一遍,题目大致是这样,记不太清了,烦请楼主和各位同学给看看.

dzmking

学习，学习，谢谢LZ

yrqin

题目：Some people believe the elderly said that life is better in the past. Do you agree or disagree?

In the half past century, the world has changed at a staggering rate. Therefore some elderly cannot adapt to the world which is quite different from their familiar one, and they say that life in the past is much better than life in current society. [Some people believe in it., delete] Although [Although..but, because/since...so 不能成对出现] I admit that there are some disadvantages in modern world, but [I disagree with this view because，罗嗦了，建议删掉] I believe the modern society has more advantages than drawbacks.

First and foremost, the [progressions->advances] in technology and science have brought [so，带情感色彩了，delete] many good products for us->significant changes to our life. [For example,] The new technologies boost our efficiency and productivity, and thus there are loads of new products that are made to satisfy people in various fields, such as washing machines, air conditioners, airplanes, [all->different] kinds of [new] food, etc. [By constrast,] People in the past [cannot->could not，时态错] [live a better life,这个太泛泛而谈了，没有说服力] when they were tired down by housework [你是不是想说以前没有电冰箱，洗衣机，空调，洗碗机之类的产品，所以他们没有足够的时间来放松和恢复自己呢？现在这么写是没法表达这个意思。逻辑上来说应该是和前半段做对比了，但是前后两个半段的关系却不紧密，显得比较乱]. and->They also had few choices of food or->and transports. 【总之，从这个段落的topic sentence来看，这段主要应该分析科学技术发展带来的好处，那么你直接论述好处好了，可以从生活的几个重要的方面列举并说明几个好处就OK了；如果你同时也要对比以前的生活，那么topic sentence是不太合适，虽然这么似乎也是OK，但是为了这个段落更加严谨和紧凑，建议最好能改进一下。此外，你的比较和对比也做得不好，前后不太搭。所以，一定要注意topic sentence的controlling idea，是什么就是什么，这个段落每一句都应该服务于这个controlling idea，比如说科学技术带来了好处，那就只论述好处；比如说科学技术技术解决了以前存在的问题，带来了好处，那么就论述有哪些问题，通过什么技术解决了（感觉你的写法更倾向于这个方向）。这个controlling idea的要点看来你还没有领悟得很好很透彻，从而造成了论述逻辑上的混乱、不严谨。】

Furthermore, people enjoy far more information than before，一样的问题，controlling idea：far more information 其实无法概括你这整个段落的阐述，其实这段还是论述科学技术的好处，你该怎么与上一段做好区分呢？你真的需要分成2个段落来写么？理由是什么？. In the past, when a letter or a travel took for a few months, people really knew little about the whole world and most of them had to live in a small village for an entire life. In contrast, nowadays, people can easily travel to any countries in the world by air and chat with a friend by phone despite of the distance [这样句子就只有6分或5.5分的水平了，因为travel和chat via phones属于two different supporting points，从不同方面和角度来体现了科学技术带来的好处，你需要通过不同的句子具体的写出来这样的好处是什么]; they can [not only] [get->access to，词汇的使用不够地道，体现了用词水平不高，也就是词汇的基本功不到位] [a] large amount of news and know->这个词很逊，可以用experience，appreciate等 different culture[s] through TV programs, [as well as->but also] take an open course lesson，重复了 and search information on the Internet. Thus, people who enjoy the life current society，语病 would never，不够客观或过度推理 like to go back to the past days without so much knowledge and information. [最后一句还不如不说了，和本段的论述关系不大]

On the other hand, some serious problems are linked to the development of current society. To begin with, many people have been tired down by the competition and the fast pace of life, so they always，慎用 feel depressed and tense in life. What is more, the high crime rate in the [city->cities] has [lead->led，语法错] to a sense of insecurity and the [bad，delete，罗嗦了] pollutions in many areas have badly influenced people’s health. [But it is unreasonable to assume that the life is better in the past because of above factors. 一样的问题，这句话并不服务于主题句的controlling idea] [There would be other problems in the past, such as starving, war and diseases that cannot be able to cure because of the limit medical conditions. 还是一样的问题，这句话并不服务于主题句的controlling idea] 【最后这两句话可以换成其它服务于controlling idea的句子或直接删掉，至于最后的结论，你可以直接给出，不需要这两句话的。因为前面有两个主体段（假设）你都已经论述了科学技术带来了巨大的好处并深刻改变了我们的生活，那么尽管存在一点点的问题，是不影响你得到最后的结论的。从而也就成功反驳了题目的观点。】

To sum up, I disagree with the opinion that people in the past live a better life. I think the advancing technology has brought more positive changes to the world. So, people in the future would always have a higher level of life conditions as we have than the past.

总的来说，你的问题主要是论证技巧不熟练，controlling idea的定义及其作用似懂非懂，有的地方用词比较低级（这个是基本功问题了），低级语法错有一些（不够细致严谨）。不过文章的模样已经有了，所以你根据我提到的问题，逐个击破，提高起来应该会很快的。

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 3-12-2011 21:21 编辑 ]

v26v26oo

其实写作也是一个逻辑思维的考验

林筱饭

看到满屏的红色我好激动，严重感谢yrqin，马上仔细研读

yrqin

职场中是否只有工作时间久的员工才应该得到晋升的机会，你是否同意，为什么

正文:276字.
There is an ongoing debate about the discussion of whether senior employees should get->receive better changces of，光用get恐怕词不达意啊，其实我很想知道题目的原本的表达方式，从而可以做更准确的同义转换 promotion in an enterprise.  I tend to disagree with the view . some primary reasons are as follows:-> and several reasons for this will be explored in the folllowing.，因为句子太短了，所以建议合成一句来说

[缺主题句，一个很严重的错误] First of all, the standard of promotion in an organization should [be->用词不准确，用consider更好] how much the dedication the employees did->have shown, instead of how long their resumes are-> they have been working for. The factors [that] employers considered->should consider when they make decisions on whether to promote any of their employees，时态错，且描述不具体 are what about the profit for the sales, or how good reputation about their businesses the staff performed and so forth，这么写很乱，也不好改，我感觉你其实可以把【There are sevral significant factors that employers should consider when they make decisions on whether to promote any of their employees】作为主题句，这样再来看看应该怎么在这段里展开论述，会比较清楚点. 【当你用一个段落论述好了‘sevral significant factors that employers should consider’以后，以下的这些论述可以另起一段，主要写写如果这些significant factors没有照顾到的后果，最后就可以直接得出你的最后结论了If only the period staff has in a firm viewed as the aspect for promotion, the future of this firm will go astray. Additionally, the young staff in this enterprise will be frustrated if they cannot get any chance to develop their careers.  Before they are getting enough old,  the only thing they should do is waiting for getting old.  I am not convinced that any employer is pleased to see such young staff in his/her business. The entire firm will be without any vigor and prospect. young fellows lack any motivation ,while senior staff are stably sitting on their position admired for ages.】

By contrast, some may claim that old stuff are typically experienced and will be helpful to the development of a firm. Indeed in a way, in some cases, however, the age is not equal to the experience. And a employee lack of experience cannot deal with any critical problem.

Overall, I take the view that the chance of promotion should be considered in various capacities rather than the staff's age only. The sienor staff  can be elevated or not ,which  really  depends on how much their dedication they brought about for the business.

在我看来，你最大的不足是论证技巧的缺乏，建议你多体会体会本帖子所说的topic sentence，topic， controlling idea，supporting sentences这几个最基本也是最重要的概念，务必要理解透彻了。同时你可以参考其它作文书籍如小姨的10天作文以及雅思范文，去认真体会一下他们的论证方法和思路。至于你词汇和语法方面的问题，还是次要的。

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 3-12-2011 21:11 编辑 ]

kidd

收到~~感谢楼主的悉心指导~

cloudsflo

我也写了个相同主题的，格式有点乱
============
Whether the company should promote the people who have served for
a long time or recruit new employees for senior managers, is always a
hot topic. Some firms just give the promotion to their own employees.
I think this offers a wide variety of benefits as discussed below.

Firstly, these kinds of people are more familiar with the company’s
status than individuals hired from other companies. Specifically, they
know in detail, how the organization is run, what the specific processes
are, as well as the advantages and the drawbacks of their own products.
Therefore, they can quickly get accustomed to the new roles and
complete assignments as quickly as possible. By contrast, people newly
recruited from others always spend much more time to understand every
aspect of the company, which definitely decreases the speed of response
to customers’ needs. Besides, employees who have stayed in the company
for many years usually have built up the good relationship with other
people. That means, it is very easy for them to get the cooperation
and support from other teams. As experienced employees, these kinds of
people prove to be precious treasure of the company.

However, there are obvious shortcomings for them. They may not be
innovative or creative since they tend to prefer keeping the current
pace and maintaining the existing structure. Sometimes, in order to
maintain the relationship with other teams, they probably abandon
aggressive actions. But overall, the company needs stable management layers to support all of their strategies and development plans since they
are the backbone of the company.

To sum up, I believe, advantages it created greatly outweigh the disadvantages, promoting employees who have stayed in the company for a long time.  Their rich experiences and healthy human relationship with other employees, can help the company expand businesses, even if they may not encourage innovation.

yrqin

[Promotion of employees in a company is a significant issue.] Whether the company should promote the people who have served for
a long time or recruit new employees for senior managers, is [always,delete] a
[hot->debatable] topic. Some firms [just->prefer to] give the promotion to their own employees.
I think this offers a wide variety of benefits as discussed below.

[缺主题句，格调立马降了下来；如果你认为下面的第一句是主题句，那么是不合格的主题句] Firstly, these kinds of people，这个不如直接写current employees之类的 are more familiar with the company’s
status than individuals hired from other companies. Specifically, they
know in detail, how the organization is run, what the specific processes
are, as well as the advantages and the drawbacks of their own products.
Therefore, they can quickly get accustomed to the new roles and
complete assignments as quickly as possible [如果换成写more efficiently and effectively是不是更好]. By contrast, people newly
recruited from others [always->usually,often,tend to] spend much more time to [try to] understand every
aspect of the company, which definitely,同样的问题，过于肯定 decreases the speed of response
to customers’ needs. Besides, employees who have stayed in the company
for many years usually have built up the good relationship with other
people. That means, it is [very,delete]easy for them to get the cooperation
and support from other teams. As experienced employees, these kinds of
people prove to be precious treasure of the company.

However, there are obvious shortcomings for them. They may not be
innovative or creative since they tend to prefer keeping the current
pace and maintaining the existing structure. Sometimes, in order to
maintain the relationship with other teams, they probably abandon
aggressive actions. [But overall, the company needs stable management layers to support all of their strategies and development plans since they are the backbone of the company.与主题句不相干，但是也是很有意思的一个点an interesting point，存在着布局谋篇的问题]

To sum up, I believe, [the] advantages [it?指代后面的动名词引领的插入语么？比较拗口，华而不实] created greatly outweigh the disadvantages, promoting employees who have [stayed in->served] the company for a long time [.-> because,这里存在明显的因果关系，却缺少linking words，十分可惜] Their rich experiences and healthy human relationship with other employees, can [help the company expand businesses, even if they may not encourage innovation,这后半句是不合适的，前文并没有论述这点，写conclusion的一忌].

总的来说，基本功很好，布局谋篇和行文逻辑却比较粗糙，一些用词（如语气过于肯定）和一些句式的使用也比较随意，不够严谨。我猜得分6.5是上限了。如果你有兴趣，这个帖子的module 3和module 5（立马就要推出了），还有后面的module 6是最适合你的。好好加以揣摩，7分到7.5分不是问题。（小声说一句：咱俩的词汇和语法基本功不分伯仲，你所缺乏的是布局谋篇和行文逻辑的技巧。）

此外，推荐你看看茉莉姐的精华帖子，里面提到了雅思作文的‘八股’的一面，所以当你看module 3， 5， 6的时候，千万不能鄙视里面的东西，‘八股’既然存在了，就自然有它的合理性。

附茉莉姐的帖子链接：
http://www.freeoz.org:8126/ibbs/ ... p%3Bfilter%3Ddigest
里面有提到：
‘每一段写什么心里也要有数。我觉得其实段落内容结构和文章层次的结构有相同之处，其实真的有点像某位同学说的，是八股文。一段要说明一件事，肯定也是先提出来，再展开，再收拢。’

这个总结是非常正确的。当然最后的‘再收拢’一般而言是不必要的，因为毕竟雅思作文每一段落的篇幅都很短，收拢这个过程很多时候是多余的。

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 4-12-2011 14:06 编辑 ]

yrqin

Module 5: The body of an essay

登录/注册后可看大图

cloudsflo

谢谢， LZ高风亮节， 帮助我等还在IELTS中努力的人！！

luckyjoan

认真看了帖子，还是不太明白开头段应该如何下笔。

例如下面这个标题，Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical service should be run by the govenment instead of profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the davantages.

第一句应该写引导句么，介绍现状？还是直接抛出问题。如果是直接抛出问题，我就不知道后面两句（support sentences）应该写什么了。能给提供个范文么？

另外，关于审题，这个标题是讨论医疗结构应该政府运营或私营呢，还是说的药厂？

我用“裸奔法”，从就医环境、服务质量environment（私立医院要好些）；time&space(私立医院好些)；technology&资金支持（公立医院好些）

三个方面进行阐述，是不是就可以了。请赐教

yrqin

我在另一个帖子里面有过这个题目的讨论，这里重新帖一下‘首段’的写法：
http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewt ... id=49287#pid3891185

Health, like education and freedom, is essential to people’s wellbeing. Generally, health care can be provided either by the government or by private companies. However, many private medical services are so expensive to afford by the poor people that some people argue that government should run the medical service in order to ensure that all people can access to it. [注意这里，前后两句话还是有点点的gap，具体怎么改进，就留着了] This essay will argue that there are more advantages of private health services than disadvantages.

所以说首段的写法虽然看起来简单，真要写好，还是要花不少功夫去思考和练习的。


这个帖子的#83也有一个具体的例子参考（当然topic不一样）：
Promotion of employees in a company is a significant issue. Whether the company should promote the people who have served for  a long time or recruit new employees for senior managers, is a  debatable topic. Some firms prefer to give the promotion to their own employees.  I think this offers a wide variety of benefits as discussed below.

这个首段的写作其实比上面的那个写得要好点，更加顺畅些，连贯些。


此外，下面的拷贝来自另一个精华贴子的关于‘如何写第一段’的相关内容，也是在澳洲考7.5分的人写的，可以说是我这个帖子的姐妹篇，强烈推荐两个帖子结合一起看：
http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewt ... id=49287#pid3599585

<quote>

现在开始介绍最最典型的250字左右的八股文结构
这个结构主要指discussion，如果题目是discuss并给suggestion的，第三段改成suggestion,其他不变即可
第一段Introduction:
最理想的状态，第一段，每一句话都比上一句范围缩小那么一咪咪~缩到最后一句，就是你的topic
举个例子：请讨论男性聪明还是女性聪明
第一句，这世界上主要有两种性别，男和女。(选一个比较广泛的角度开始写)
第二句，男和女在很多方面有差异。(缩小一点,主要讨论两性的差异)
第三句，尤其在智力方面，差异也很明显。(在缩小一点,主要讨论智力方面的两性的差异)
第四句，女性总体来说都比男性智慧得多。(主题句)

第一段，你这么一写，考官一看懂了，这个是我们的人~

</quote>

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 7-12-2011 14:21 编辑 ]

yrqin

认真看了帖子，还是不太明白开头段应该如何下笔。

例如下面这个标题，Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical service should be run by the govenment instead of profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the davantages.

第一句应该写引导句么，介绍现状？还是直接抛出问题。如果是直接抛出问题，我就不知道后面两句（support sentences）应该写什么了。能给提供个范文么？
--我感觉你把首段和主体段的结构弄混淆了。首段是没有supporting sentences的，因为不需要我们去论证任何的东西。而事实上我们要做的是通过context的介绍，说明问题的重要性、意义、价值，说明问题的存在等等，然后引出我们的观点。

至于主体段，我们有topic sentence，而topic sentence里面有我们需要论证的controlling idea（即分论点），所以需要一批有理有据的supporting sentences来支持我们的分论点。这是主体段的写法（论证我们的分论点是合理的）。几个主体段在一起，就论证了几个分论点；而几个分论点论证好了以后，我们在首段提出的观点（thesis statement）的合理性就有了足够的支撑，从而得出我们的结论。

essay就是这么一回事，首先在首段引出问题，提出观点，然后通过几个分论点（每个分论点就是一个主体段）的论证来支撑我们的观点，最后结论（总结前文）。

另外，关于审题，这个标题是讨论医疗结构应该政府运营或私营呢，还是说的药厂？
--跟药厂没有关系。主要是要求你讨论私营的优缺点；至于国营和私营的区别，这个属于很宽泛的背景知识，你需要有一些了解才能写好。也就是题材你得熟悉。这是课外的功夫啦。

我用“裸奔法”，从就医环境、服务质量environment（私立医院要好些）；time&space(私立医院好些)；technology&资金支持（公立医院好些）

三个方面进行阐述，是不是就可以了。请赐教

--这么写也可以，但是私营的缺点你还得明确指出来有哪些。虽然当你讨论‘technology&资金支持（公立医院好些）’的时候，会涉及到，但是你最好用一个主体段来阐述私营有哪些缺点。这是布局谋篇的要求，从而可以应对题目的要求。

最后，这道题目的审题，我在另一个帖子也有过讨论的，你可以参考下：
http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewt ... id=49287#pid3890254

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 7-12-2011 14:39 编辑 ]

cloudsflo

最近重新读了帖子， 研究了范文， 又写了篇， 麻烦大师看看， 结构有所提高没？
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which is more effective and productive, parenting or schooling? This is a frequent topic of discussion when people talk about educating their own children to become valuable to society

Undeniably, parents are first teachers of children in this respect, when children share their toys to friends and try to help mother do housework for the first time. In other words, since children come to this world, on a daily basis, mother and father has already given clues to children what kind of persons are valued by society and how to get respect from society. Therefore, a parent takes the unavoidable responsibility in coaching children to mature into good members of society, especially before children go to school.

However, it is the school where a child acquires not only academic knowledge but also good traits that benefit society. According to our own school experience, we can find plenty of evidence to support the view that a child could obtain what contributes to becoming valuable to society. For example, teachers would show what should be considered when evaluating an excellent student. And in the competition of leaders in student unions, kids could know what personalities and actions would be appreciated by most of students.

I think, as with all questions of schooling versus parenting regarding cultivating good virtues, they should collaborate with each other, linking home and school together. When parents and teachers are united to do the same things, children can benefit. Without the support from parents, teachers would find out how difficult to correct the bad action of a child. And without teachers’ cooperation, parents would not effectively instill high moral values to their own children.

In conclusion, parents should educate children how to become valuable member of society since kids are born. But it cannot be a parent’s job alone. Schools also impact a child a lot once children go to school.

yrqin

‘大师’可不敢当啊

你这个结构我见过的，在剑7里面有范文。但是我想说的是这个是属于那种‘无招胜有招’的境界了，别人能做到‘摘叶飞花以致伤人’，并不代表我们也可以。。。我们能做到的估计也就是‘形似’。

其实剑7里面，这个是test 1的范文，在行文逻辑上test 2的范文和test 1范文其实是很相似的。test 1比test 2的范文好在哪里？我觉得大概有以下几个方面（当然我本身水平有限，看的不一定有多准确，只是一家之言）：1. 用词更地道，句式更加老辣；2.段落结构更加好，相比之下，test 2的范文的结构太松散了；3.论证逻辑方便当然test 1要更胜一筹，test 1十分紧凑。无论是句子与句子之间的逻辑（发展）关系，还是段落与段落之间的逻辑（发展）关系做得都要比test 2的范文好。

但是，我想说的是，test 2的范文在布局谋篇和行文逻辑方面，其实是更好的一个参考。因为我们的水平距离test 2的范文更近一些。

至于说到本帖子的布局谋篇和行文逻辑的方法，虽然那是实实在在的‘八股文’，和剑7里test 1的范文相比，那是比较初级的东西，但是它的好处确实很明显的：1. 有迹可寻，有招可学；2.结构是比较固定的，我们可以更容易掌握；3.对我们的行文逻辑也有比较大的约束，我们可以有更多的精力放在提高行文逻辑上。更重要的是，如果你能很好地掌握了本帖子的‘比较初级’的布局谋篇和行文逻辑的方法，7到7.5是没问题的。

当然，随着我们在行文逻辑方面的水平的逐步提高，那么对于剑7的test 1范文的理解就会更深，而到时如果要使用类似的结构，那么也是可以做得很好的。

至于你的这篇作文应该怎么看？我认为着重应该从以下几个方面去作思考：1. 句子之间的逻辑（发展）关系 2. 段落之间的逻辑（发展）关系 3.几个主体段的论证与最后得出的结论之间的内在逻辑关系等等。当然在用词和句式方面也是有一些小问题的。

which is more effective and productive, parenting or schooling? This is a frequent topic of discussion when people talk about educating their own children to become valuable to society

Undeniably, parents are [the] first teachers of children in this respect, [for example], when children share their toys [to->with] friends and try to help [mother->their mothers] do housework for the first time. In other words, since children come to this world, on a daily basis, mother[s] and father[s] [has->have] already given clues to children what kind of persons are valued by society and how to get respect from society [注意这个句子和前面一个句子的关系，不是那么的紧密；我感觉就是几个拳头用力打出去了，却不在一个地方上]. Therefore, a parent takes the unavoidable responsibility in coaching children to mature into good members of society, especially before children go to school.

However, it is the school where a child acquires not only academic knowledge but also good traits that benefit society. According to our own school experience, we can find plenty of evidence to support the view that a child could obtain what contributes to becoming valuable to society. For example, teachers would show what should be considered when evaluating an excellent student. And [句子开头一般不可以是And] in the competition of leaders in student unions, kids could know what personalities and actions would be appreciated by most of students.

I think, as with all questions of schooling versus parenting regarding cultivating good virtues, they should collaborate with each other, linking home and school together. When parents and teachers are united to do the same things, children can benefit [我感觉这句话是很值得改进的]. Without the support from parents, teachers would find out how difficult to correct the bad action of a child. And [句子开头一般不可以是And] without teachers’ cooperation, parents would not effectively instill high moral values to their own children.

In conclusion, parents should educate children how to become valuable member of society since kids are born. But it cannot be a parent’s job alone. Schools also impact a child a lot [用a lot不如用些具体的事例和动名词短语来具体描述是哪些方面] once children go to school.

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 11-12-2011 20:38 编辑 ]