大家帮忙看看 作文有啥问题能得几分

injaji

Topic:
Parents should control children’s behavior at their early stage. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My essay:
I tend to disagree with this idea that children’s behavior should be controlled by their parents at an early age. This has several negative effects and may be even counter-productive.

If children can only do what they are told to do, then they may lose many precious opportunities to experience by themselves. For example, they are not allowed to touch some gadgets like knives as these are potentially dangerous to them. Gradually children have become used to following their parents’ instructions and are afraid of having a try. The personality of behaving with fear will certainly have negative effects on their future lives

Another disadvantage of the controlling of children at their early stage is that it tends to kill children’s creativity. Children are not encouraged to behave as they like: they may have to apply their parents’ methods about playing games rather than to be encouraged to think about new ideas. The whole society will suffer from the young generation with the lack of innovation.

In spite of the two drawbacks it may bring, parents’ controlling over their children is effective in some situations. One particular case is that those children have become addicted to the video games. So in order to help children quit this harmful habit, the amount of time spent on playing this type of games should be strictly restricted by their parents.

In conclusion, the way to educate children by controlling their behavior may not produce the desired results, although sometimes a certain amount of supervision is required.

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2013年3月 A    一鸭 （L6 R7.5 W6 S5.5）
2013年11月 G  二鸭 （L6.5 R8.5 W5.5 S6)
2013年12月 G  三鸭 （L8 R6.5 W5.5 S5.5）
2014年1月 G   四鸭 （L7.5 R7 W5.5 S6.5）
2014年2月 G   五鸭 （L7 R6.5 W5.5 S5）
2014年3月  G  六鸭 preparing

injaji

先来自我分析：(因为目标是7，下面按照7分标准来自评)
TR:
-addresses all parts of the topic：关键词parents、control、children都覆盖到了，但是“at their early stage”比较困惑，自己只是在topic sentence中作为状语提了下，接下来的论点中并没有用到这个时间状语，不知这点是不是没有cover到。
-presents a clear position throughout the response：感觉OK，分析：自己的观点是不同意，那么前2个主体段给出了两个不同意的原因，第3个是让步段承认观点。
-presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to overgeneralise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus：这点是我比较薄弱的地方，本人逻辑思维很差，还有在举例论证时所用的例子感觉都有点牵强。大家可以帮忙看看我的论据是否convincing

CC
-presents a clear central topic within each paragraph：三个主题段的第一句都是各自的topic sentence
-Logically organize information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout:我前2个主体段采用了顾家北的ABC法，自己感觉逻辑还算合理，大家来提提意见。
-use a range of cohesive devices appropriately althouth there maybe some under-/over-use: 词汇衔接上，主要使用了代词(they, this等)。以前滥用连接词比较多。这点也是从顾家北那学到的。

LR
-uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task: 我这篇文章的词汇算adequate吗?感觉一般。
-attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy:通篇除了用了最近学到的词
counter-productive，其他词感觉都比较基础。
-make some errors in spelling and/or word formation,but they do not impede the communication:需要帮忙指出来不恰当的词汇或搭配。我先来一个：“The personality of behaving with fear”感觉不妥，自己是想表达：这种胆小的性格，怎么表达合适？

GRA
-uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms:用了复杂句，比如：同位语从句、宾语从句、状语从句、并列句、表语从句、定语从句(可能有误，总之用复杂句的意识比较强)
-makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication: 需要帮忙指出语法错误。经常犯主谓不一致的错误，自己检查时已检查出了3个。所以一定要留出时间检查！

wisezmz

我给6.5。

1、TR有待提高。“If children can only do what they are told to do, then they may lose many precious opportunities to experience by themselves. For example, they are not allowed to touch some gadgets like knives as these are potentially dangerous to them. ” 不让小孩去玩刀，难道不对吗？不知道楼主有无小孩？反正我绝对不让我的孩子去碰这些危险玩意。所以，这个例子举得太失败了。要知道，你需要用这个例子去说明他们失去了“precious opportunities ”，但玩刀绝对不是precious opportunities。

2、犯了一些小错误。“become addicted to the video games” 这里的video games 是泛指，不需要the。还有其他的错误就不一一指出了。

wisezmz

我给6.5。

1、TR有待提高。“If children can only do what they are told to do, then they may lose many precious opportunities to experience by themselves. For example, they are not allowed to touch some gadgets like knives as these are potentially dangerous to them. ” 不让小孩去玩刀，难道不对吗？不知道楼主有无小孩？反正我绝对不让我的孩子去碰这些危险玩意。所以，这个例子举得太失败了。要知道，你需要用这个例子去说明他们失去了“precious opportunities ”，但玩刀绝对不是precious opportunities。

2、犯了一些小错误。“become addicted to the video games” 这里的video games 是泛指，不需要the。还有其他的错误就不一一指出了。

wisezmz

我给6.5。

1、TR有待提高。“If children can only do what they are told to do, then they may lose many precious opportunities to experience by themselves. For example, they are not allowed to touch some gadgets like knives as these are potentially dangerous to them. ” 不让小孩去玩刀，难道不对吗？不知道楼主有无小孩？反正我绝对不让我的孩子去碰这些危险玩意。所以，这个例子举得太失败了。要知道，你需要用这个例子去说明他们失去了“precious opportunities ”，但玩刀绝对不是precious opportunities。

2、犯了一些小错误。“become addicted to the video games” 这里的video games 是泛指，不需要the。还有其他的错误就不一一指出了。

injaji

To wisezmz:
谢谢！
1、关于TR的指点，真是一针见血啊。我之前只是觉得用的例子牵强，现在才反应过来：这个例子压根就没能support这段的topic sentence。举出能支撑观点且又有说服力的例子是下一步要提高的地方。
2、很细心啊。关于“video games”，学习了！

injaji

附件分享下在淘宝上买的“Gary 雅思”的作文批改，大家多交流共同提高，早日拿下7分作文！

之所以选了“Gary 雅思”，是因为v26v26oo同学发的这篇帖子中推荐的。抱着尝试的心态就试了下，反正30块钱买个大作文的批改，觉得值！谢谢v26v26oo同学的推荐。(ps：非广告，勿拍砖啊)
https://hioz.us/ibbs/thread-1112200-1-2.html

Gary老师给了6-6.5的打分。wisezmz同学能给出6.5的判断，厉害啊！
Gary的批改，个人觉得很有收获。按照大作文的4项评分标准分别指出了我的问题还有他的建议。

injaji

附件咋上传失败，提示Sever IO ERROR，急死我了。。

v26v26oo

injaji 发表于 4-3-2014 19:05

                               
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附件分享下在淘宝上买的“Gary 雅思”的作文批改，大家多交流共同提高，早日拿下7分作文！

之所以选了“ ...

感谢支持，呵呵，只要大家拿到批改能发现问题，并能找到方法解决和提高，就是最好的。

wisezmz

injaji 发表于 4-3-2014 19:05

                               
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附件分享下在淘宝上买的“Gary 雅思”的作文批改，大家多交流共同提高，早日拿下7分作文！

之所以选了“ ...

哈哈，我一直觉得自己对作文的评分还是挺准的……

wisezmz

injaji 发表于 4-3-2014 19:11

                               
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附件咋上传失败，提示Sever IO ERROR，急死我了。。

国内不能直接传附件，要先存去某个网盘，然后再贴链接