大作文，泪奔~求批改求意见

greenray

Someone think it is an effective way to provide education and job training to criminals. However, someone think putting criminals into prison would be better. What do you think ?


Nowadays, there are increasing concerns about how to treat with criminals. However, whether they should be provided with job training or directly put into prison is a controversial issue. From my point of view, it would be a more effective way to offer defenders education and job training.

First, most of the criminals’ anti-society behavior, such as their high level of aggressive behavior, stems from lack of proper education in their childhood. Poor education, together with their parents’ ignorance,  gradually lead to their character flaw. In that sense, they are actually victims and should not be fully accountable for crimes. So in order to reform them to be law-abiding citizens, education should play a dominant role in the whole process.

Moreover, it has to be admitted that some originally well-behaved people go astray socially due to survival pressure since they lack specific skill finding a job. Situation will probably be totally different if job training can be provided. With their efforts, they are able to build a solid foundation in the job market and fulfill the requirement of the employers, which would contribute to the reduction of crime incidence. As is revealed in the media, every year there are numerous offenders who find jobs through education and training, and finally get respect from the society.

However, positive as it is, we should not neglect the effects of putting criminals into prison. Isolating offenders geographically can somehow relieve the psychologically tension from the public and make the society function well. But without proper education, the reality has to be accepted that once their penalties expire, the society will still suffer from repeat criminals.

In sum, education and job training should play a critical role in criminals’ reform process. Meanwhile, punishment is also taken into use sometimes. In many circumstance, these measures are not competitive but complementary to each other, benefiting the offenders and society as a whole.  

crapzz

关注一下

wisezmz

很明显，楼主是刘洪波的弟子。文章结构布局问题不大，但个人感觉chinglish表达比较多，伴随一些小错误，都会影响词汇和语法的得分。比如，high level of aggressive behavior 为什么不直接说violence呢？且behavior应该用复数。又比如，As is revealed in the media，语法不通。 Isolating offenders geographically 更是典型的把中文直接翻译成英文。

另外，对于这个话题，建议不要落入非黑即白的讨论。比如，对于那些变态杀人狂，education and job training 有用吗？最有效的办法是区分轻型犯罪和重型犯罪，前者可以教育，后者则需长期监禁。虽然楼主的文章也稍有提及类似的意思，但没有清晰地表达出这一观点，总让人感觉有点隔靴搔痒，TR也因此难以加分。

综上所述，我给这篇作文打5.5分。

qiuxan

第一段treat with用错，However没有转折，defenders不是罪犯的意思，是一个5的开头～切记，开头好不加分，烂，会扣分

qiuxan

第二段 behavior少了个s；such as their high level of aggressive behavior这个不知道你要讲神马，such as 引导同位语，是跟前面behaviors 一致的东西，比如 吸毒，贩毒神马的；stems因为前面改为behaviors所以s去掉；lack前加个a或者the，the会好点；flaw（s）；So不能放句子开头去掉或者换成“，so”。还有个人认为性格缺陷就＝犯罪么？应该多加一句“性格缺陷导致犯罪，而这些缺陷常常是因为缺少教育”

qiuxan

第三段skill finding a job换成skills to find a job；due to survival pressure since they lack specific skill finding a job.俩因为？；Situation改成this situation；will probably be totally different，你到底是说确定还是可能？will 确定 probably 可能 totally又是确定；a solid foundation in the job market 这个真是纯中文表达了，在劳动力市场中建立稳定的基础～看到这里本人已然凌乱。 这个观点也是有点问题的 因为缺少技能，所以犯罪；接着给犯罪education 能让他们找到工作重获尊重？lz 有没有发现这其实是两件不同的事？

MUDBOY

whether they should be provided with job training or directly put into prison is a controversial issue.
这句窃以为有点头重脚轻的赶脚, 6分作文的我觉得改成如下是否合适呢？
It is still a controversial(老实说这个词我不认识) subject whether the criminals should be provided with job training or put into prison directly.

qiuxan

第四段psychologically换成psychological；But不能放句首，换成However；their我个人感觉指代不清，因为the reality has to be accepted  中间省略了个accept 的执行者，their会让我觉得你在指代这个accept 的执行者。我觉得这段观点写的不错，就是缺少拓展，举例什么的。

建议lz词汇量不赖，要是能提高语法，增强逻辑，想要得到自己想要的分数应该不难。

纯属个人观点，望轻喷。

greenray

作文从6.5 到6，再到5.5，奔溃啊。。可谓稳步下降啊。。现在都不知道该怎么写好了

wisezmz

greenray 发表于 25-12-2013 20:23

                               
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作文从6.5 到6，再到5.5，奔溃啊。。可谓稳步下降啊。。现在都不知道该怎么写好了

可否把你6.5的作文贴出来看看？

asxdcfv

most of the criminals’ anti-society behavior, 主谓语。
用的词汇很难啊

asxdcfv

wisezmz 发表于 24-12-2013 19:45

                               
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很明显，楼主是刘洪波的弟子。文章结构布局问题不大，但个人感觉chinglish表达比较多，伴随一些小错误，都会 ...

对于这样的题目，以前听说要表达清晰的支持和反对，那是否可以说对某些人教育好，对某些人关起来好？

asxdcfv

这样回答是否可以？
1 背景，主张教育
2 为什么主张教育，因为1 提高修养，培养性格 2 提高融入社会的能力
3 为什么不是关起来， 因为1 有可能会变的更坏 2 没有融入社会的工作技能，容易再次犯罪
4 教育是比较重要的，并不是说关起来不重要，对于某些情况，需要2个方式结合起来。