【交流帖】10月12日A类雅思大作文题目习作，求切磋

jojopig2002

看这结构框架，原来也是刘老师的弟子啊。
我水平不高，在同义替换上提点建议，obvious可以替换成apparent,evident, for ever可以替换成eternally,complicated可以替换成intricate,
achieved excellent performance可以替换成pull off a feat, destroy可以替换成undermine
vast majority这两个词有点意思重复？
德国这个例子来论证民主的重要性感觉稍弱。最好比较有民主和没民主的区别，才能体现有民主的优越性，但是政治的东西要举例其实不容易。
我觉得你两个论点概念有点大，写教育，医疗，环境污染，食品安全更容易举例

qiuxan

There are a number of factors that can be used to judge a country’s success, such as economic progress, education and so on. Amongst them, the public frequently considers economic progress as a core factor. In this essay, which factor(s) contribute to the success of a county will be discussed. It suggests that there are a few more factors should be taken into account rather than a single one.

Beside economy, education and environmental protection are two of the most important symbols of a country’s success. Firstly, how much educational resources can a country provides to its people is equal to how much the country is able to help its people to be success. If the government is able to provide the people considerable educational resources, the change of personal success of each individual will soar.  The number of successful people in a country will directly link to the success of the country.

Also, environmental protection should also be a significant consideration of a country’s success. If a country is trying to develop is economy by breaking the environment, the citizens will consider it as anything but success. Moreover, if pollution occurs in a country, the people in the country will easily get sick. Therefore, the government will have to spend a large amount of money in medicine. It will become a heavy burden of the nation, and threaten the success of economic progress.

It is hard to deny that the progress of economy is one of the essential factors of a successful country. However, there are things much more significant. Many people reckon that America is a successful country. It is not only because it is the richest countries in the world, but also because it has the most of top 100 universities in the world. On the other hand, China, which has the second largest GDP in the world, has been reported pollution in the most of its regions. That is the main cause of the immigration of wealthy family, and it drastically ruins the success of this country.

In conclusion, there are a number of factors contributing to the success of a country, so it is not objective using single one to measure the success, especially using economic progress.

看到帖子后，动手在纸上写了一篇，献丑了～打出来才发现字太多了，要改正，anyway，感觉lz的词汇量比我多多了，说来惭愧～超过5个字母的单词久了不用我就记不住～～

Kindler

lhcamm 发表于 22-10-2013 22:59

                               
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你的文章看过之后我觉得可能会在6.5或低一些 （前提是如果你在澳洲考）。有一点我很肯定你的这篇文章绝对拿 ...

学习了。

miracle78

这是华山论剑的场面呢。  值得好好向各位学习  

wisezmz

jojopig2002 发表于 23-10-2013 21:01

                               
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看这结构框架，原来也是刘老师的弟子啊。
我水平不高，在同义替换上提点建议，obvious可以替换成apparent, ...

谢谢你的建议。但destroy在本文不可以替换成undermine，因为我要表达的是“摧毁”了成千上百万家庭的幸福，而undermine是指“破坏”。
从构词法上看，undermine这个词是由under（在...下面）和mine（采矿、开挖）组成，含义就是“在某东西下方开挖”，引申义就是“对某东西产生危害”，而没有“彻底摧毁”的意思。所以，不适合使用在我的这个例子中。

wisezmz

qiuxan 发表于 23-10-2013 21:21

                               
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There are a number of factors that can be used to judge a country’s success, such as economic progr ...

提几点建议，供参考：

1、Beside economy, 应为Besides economy

2、Beside economy, education and environmental protection are two of the most important symbols of a country’s success. 这是全文的中心思想句，应该放在首段而不是主体段。主体段应该用于进行论述，所以以Firstly起头会更好。另外，你的首段太冗长了点，没必要。考官更关注的是你如何论证自己的观点，所以首段只需明确提出你的中心思想即可。

3、the people in the country will easily get sick。sick指感冒之类的小毛病，大病应该用ill。

4、spend a large amount of money in medicine。medicine指药品，从国家层面来说，它花的钱应该是投入在medicare（医疗制度），因为治疗不单包含吃药，还有其他化疗、理疗、护理、康复，以及更深层次的预防、检疫、免疫等，以上这些可统称为医疗制度。

5、It is hard to deny that the progress of economy is one of the essential factors of a successful country. However, there are things much more significant. 题目问哪个因素最重要，但你似乎没有给予正面回答。我的作文是说“所有因素均同等重要”，所以自然没有哪个更重要。但你自己明确说了“there are things much more significant”，用了比较级，意味着有些东西是更重要的，但却没有指出具体是哪个。题目用的是“one factor”，单数，所以你必须指出是“哪一个”。当然，你可以argue教育和环保都是“最重要”的，他们是并列关系，也可以，但我似乎没有看到有相关论述。

qiuxan

wisezmz 发表于 24-10-2013 12:16

                               
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提几点建议，供参考：

1、Beside economy, 应为Besides economy

虚心接受1345， 这些小错误确实有时很恶心～

2的话，第一段我觉得只是模版不同，只是像楼上说不该出现第一人称那哥们一样，我用的是我们学校写论文的模版套的，雅思确实不用这么正式，但也没有错。我们学校的模版第一段一定是3句：1 Background 2 Task list 3 Thesis statement。

然后第二段第一句那样的格式，模仿的是 剑桥雅思7阅读T3 Passage 2 p71 美洲原著民第 F段：第一句写 科学研究 还有两类：牙齿和语言。 然后F段写牙齿怎么怎么样，G段写 语言怎么怎么样～看到你这题的时候刚看完那篇不久～就直接把这结构偷来用上了～对不对还真不好说～
谢谢！

wisezmz

qiuxan 发表于 24-10-2013 12:38

                               
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虚心接受1345， 这些小错误确实有时很恶心～

2的话，第一段我觉得只是模版不同，只是像楼上说不该出现 ...

首段太长，必然导致一个很要命的问题：前面写太多，自然会占用更多的时间，那么后面用于写论述的时间就会被压缩了。要知道，考场上你只有40-45分钟来写这篇作文，其中还得留5分钟构思提纲，留5分钟检查大小作文，真正用于“写”的时间只有30-35分钟。资源有限的情况下，你应该重点投放在哪里呢？

Jerrychenhao

楼主你10.26的鸭咋样