【交流帖】10月12日A类雅思大作文题目习作，求切磋

wisezmz

Economic progress is often used to measure acountry's success. However, some people believe that other factores are more important. What other factors should also be considered when measuring a country's success? Do you think one factor is more important than others?


Currently, an increasing number of people realize that there are many factors contributing to the success of a nation, besides economic development. To me, I believe that social welfare and democracy should be included.

It is obvious that in a great country, all people can live peacefully and affluently with esteem. The rapid progress of economy can surely increase the living standard of the vast majority of citizens, but still, there are plenty of vulnerable members in this world. So, a successful country should pay enough attention to the disadvantaged group and provide aid to them through an effective welfare system. Only by doing so can individuals in this country enjoy the benefits brought by the great power.

Moreover, the history of humanity has proven that democracy can help countries maintain their long-lasting booming of development. For example, Germany had achieved excellent performance in the domain of domestic economy before World War II. However, the fascist regime drove its people into the cruel warfare, and thus, destroyed the happiness of millions of families. If the German government had been under control by a democratic political system, this tragedy might not have happened for ever.

Personally, I agree that the development of a nation is a complicated process, of which all the elements that I have mentioned above are organic components. If people gave priority to any of them, the country might just drive to a wrong direction on the high way leading to prosperity, with leaving other critical factors behind. Consequently, we must respect the law of development and draw up a long-term developing program perfectly.

In sum, when we are measuring whether a country is developed or not, we should think of various factors in different aspects, instead of just focusing on the economy, since they have equal significance.

asxdcfv

写的太好了。。。

wisezmz

asxdcfv 发表于 22-10-2013 18:56

                               
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写的太好了。。。

我感觉第四段的论证稍弱了点。Any suggestion？

另外，为什么你的口语写作越考越差呢？

asxdcfv

wisezmz 发表于 22-10-2013 19:19

                               
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我感觉第四段的论证稍弱了点。Any suggestion？

另外，为什么你的口语写作越考越差呢？

我也奇怪啊。。。哎。。。口语应该是考官问题，作文应该是现在题型变了，以前就是讨论，我才拿的6分，以后都是要讨论加措施之类。。。至今还没有4*6.

你说的是回答第二个问题的第四段，如果2个问题都要一样的篇幅，可能是少点。但是如果这个段落增加内容，则篇幅太长。综上看来，2,3合成一段。第4段扩展，分成几点，我认为各个要素都很重要，要考虑综合水平。首先，一方面短，必然表示这个国家在这个方面很弱。其次，过分强调一个方面重要，将影响政治导向，会发展失衡。试想，经济高度发达，诚信极端低下的国家是成功的吗。呵呵，仅供参考。

wisezmz

asxdcfv 发表于 22-10-2013 19:31

                               
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我也奇怪啊。。。哎。。。口语应该是考官问题，作文应该是现在题型变了，以前就是讨论，我才拿的6分，以后 ...

根据我本人的统计，2013年G类写作题目中，report类占比高达50%。外面卖的教材都是针对A类的，所以他们说report占比很少。如果你不好好练习如何写report，那恐怕很难提高。

chingwu

wisezmz 发表于 22-10-2013 19:19

                               
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我感觉第四段的论证稍弱了点。Any suggestion？

另外，为什么你的口语写作越考越差呢？

德国的例子不适合说明 民主的胜利
而且 民主是一个体制 又不是指标 也不适合度量国家的成功的

你还不如简单的写教育普及率，文盲的比例，医疗的覆盖率，贫困人口的比例，这些

pawehu

题目问“衡量国家的成功还有什么其他标准，某个因素比其他因素都更重要吗？”感觉LZ论证还是有些薄弱，翻译成中文就很明显了，比如第二段：
It is obvious that in a great country, all people can live peacefully and affluently with esteem. The rapid progress of economy can surely increase the living standard of the vast majority of citizens, but still, there are plenty of vulnerable members in this world. So, a successful country should pay enough attention to the disadvantaged group and provide aid to them through an effective welfare system. Only by doing so can individuals in this country enjoy the benefits brought by the great power.
显然在伟大的国家里，人们可以有尊严地安宁而富裕地生活着。经济的快速发展必然提高大多数人们的生活水准，但是这个世界上仍然有很多弱势群体。所以，一个成功的国家应该对弱势群体给予必要关注，以及提供有效的福利系统来援助他们。只有这样，个人才可以享受强国带来的好处。

参考step by step，首句应该是点题的topic sentence，然后剩下的supporting sentence要围绕controlling idea来论述。此处想说还有福利因素，就应该首句标明出来，而esteem与福利没关系吧，剩下每句之间的逻辑链都太弱了。

试写个思路：还有福利也是重要评价因素——福利关系到人们是否可以安居乐业——生活有了保障才可以发挥潜能与创造性到自己喜欢的事业上——从而鼓励创业经济旺盛——国家才会成功

PS：自己也才考到6分，离目标7分还很远，但看了step by step明晰了方向，故分享之，共勉。

asxdcfv

是不是我们用中文写作文可以写的比较有逻辑，那么干脆先用中文，再翻译成英文，是不是个捷径？

wisezmz

asxdcfv 发表于 22-10-2013 20:03

                               
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是不是我们用中文写作文可以写的比较有逻辑，那么干脆先用中文，再翻译成英文，是不是个捷径？

I don't think so。因为语言是文化的载体，在语言这个表象背后，有很深层次的传统文化、思维模式等差异。有很多东西是无法翻译的，只可意会不可言传。

wisezmz

pawehu 发表于 22-10-2013 19:56

                               
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题目问“衡量国家的成功还有什么其他标准，某个因素比其他因素都更重要吗？”感觉LZ论证还是有些薄弱，翻译 ...

我的逻辑关系是这样的：
“in a great country, all people can live peacefully and affluently with esteem”是我本人设定的一个前提，假定great country（替换country's success）都是这样（live peacefully and affluently with esteem）。所以，如果一个国家要成功，也必须这样做——通过关注弱势群体而让他们都得到帮助，享受到强国带来的好处。至于with esteem，可有可无，删掉也不影响大意，保留也不会有啥负面影响。

首句是否必须是中心句呢？这个不一定，中文写作没有这样的规矩，英文写作也一样没有。剑桥里面的考官范文就有很多不是把首句定为中心句的。当然，把首句设为中心句是大多数人的做法，这样更保险一点。

Anyway，你的观点也可以让我从另一角度去思考，感谢。

depedro

Simon 刚贴了一个解题思路，仅供参考：
http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-hel ... -2-money-topic.html
This is what I call a "2 part question". Here's my 4-paragraph essay structure:

1. Introduce the topic and give a general answer to both questions.
2. Describe two or three other factors.
3. Say which factor you think is more important.
4. Conclude by repeating / summarising your views.

顾家北的手把手上也有这道题，但是范文感觉是写跑题的节奏。。。

wisezmz

depedro 发表于 22-10-2013 20:30

                               
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Simon 刚贴了一个解题思路，仅供参考：
http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2013/10/ielts ...

我就是今天看到他那个微博所以才拿这个题目来练笔的。这种混合型题目貌似最近挺多的，得多练。

wisezmz

pawehu 发表于 22-10-2013 19:56

                               
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题目问“衡量国家的成功还有什么其他标准，某个因素比其他因素都更重要吗？”感觉LZ论证还是有些薄弱，翻译 ...

关于esteem，多说两句。

我曾和我的外教探讨过welfare这个词，他说这是专指针对流浪汉、失业者等处于穷困状态的人的救助，因此welfare在英语文化中的含义和中文对“福利”的定义有较大差别。在中国，单位在节日发点米、油可以被称为“福利”，但这很明显不属于welfare。

这和esteem有什么关系呢？有的。因为穷人受生活所迫，有时候不得不放弃尊严去做自己本不愿意做的事情。比如之前新闻报道，一个小孩因为吃樱桃被呛在气管成了植物人，他妈离家出走，他爹为了筹钱治病去抢了银行。假如有完善的社会保障制度（welfare），那么这家人虽然遇到了困难，但仍可以维持着做人的尊严，而不必沦为罪犯。

darrenlee

支持楼主,我也来写个,这次的蛋扯的有点远,2,3百字真是不够扯...

The development of a country's economy can increase job opportunities and households' wealth. In many countries, especially developing countries, the government's main objective is to ensure the economic progress is steady and rapid. In China the local governments' decision-making process is largely influenced by a sole economic index, that is GDP. Chinese central government considers eliminating the hunger problem which emerged from last century by greatly advancing economic progress as a tremendous achievement. However, after people's basic needs have been met, whether or not keeping the same policy unchanged can still be recognized as a valid standard for the measurement of a country's success will be in question in that different stages during the development of a country require different goals to satisfy its people's various and dynamic demands.

One of probable factors to be considered as a country's success is education level. A hypothetical scenario that a country was full of rich but uneducated people, their hobbies were boxing, hunting, gambling and their vicious and cruel personality drived them to seek new excitement regardless of the consequences can certainly raise rational persons' fear of a failing society. Nowadays the America, the most wealthy and powerful country in the world, also has the majority of world-class leading universities and colleges. Its government strives for the provision of high-quality education not only for gifted children but also for those with average minds. Well-educated individuals know the importance of moral values, social orders and critical thinking skills, all of which are the crucial elements for human civilization to survive and develop for thousand years.
In contrast, in China there is a trend gradually emerging that people tend to believe “going to university is useless” and less and less people maintain the habit of reading in spare time to obtain personal grow.In the meantime, the rate of violent crime increases and people are more likely to resolve their interpersonal conflicts with extreme measures such as abusing, bullying, and even killing. The correlation between the two is undoubtedly significant.

Thus with the rising extent of societal collision as a clear indication for the demand of changing, an effective strategy could be augmenting the level of education in order to keep the country continuing to be successful.

lhcamm

你的文章看过之后我觉得可能会在6.5或低一些 （前提是如果你在澳洲考）。有一点我很肯定你的这篇文章绝对拿不到7. 我觉得你有几个点要注意 1.不要个人化，少用I， me， personally。 最好不用。2. 少用极限词 例如obvious，all等。我在澳洲考的7.5 ，这个我的雅思老师告诉我的，他是local。所以你要少用。给你举个例子。

It is self-evident that most people can lead a peaceful and affluent life in a successful country because of sufficient social welfare provided. Social welfare,such as governments' subsidies, can considerably relieve citizens' burdens in their lives especially financial stress in housing and medication. If citizens can receive enough social welfare from governments to support their daily lives, then they can definitely make more contribution to society rather than spending more time on chores. Therefore, one of essential indicators for a nation's success is the amount of societal welfare people can acquire from governments.

这是个例子你参考下 如何逐步论证和选词。希望对你有用

pawehu

lhcamm 发表于 22-10-2013 19:59
你的文章看过之后我觉得可能会在6.5或低一些 （前提是如果你在澳洲考）。有一点我很肯定你的这篇文章绝对拿 ...

如果题目问give your own opinion, 怎么表明个人看法？

lhcamm

pawehu 发表于 22-10-2013 23:37

                               
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如果题目问give your own opinion, 怎么表明个人看法？

如果题目中写到provide own opinion， 如果你在文章中第一段就表示观点的话可以写一句（只是一句）：from my perspective，...(你的观点观点)。 在后文中你就不要在写I了，用It is代替。
举个例子： some people think teachers are necessary for study。 other people think teachers are not necessary, because they can self-study. Discuss both views and provide your opinion.

intro: 写个背景句+加题目改写+This essay will look at both points of view and offer my perspective.(这个句子只是个例子，词汇上有待改进）
body1： 一方面人的观点
body2： 另一方面人的观点
body2： 你的观点。Although ... has some merits, it is admitted that...*你的观点（要学会用It is的句型表示你的观点，这是A类的一个关键点。例如提建议：It is suggusted that。 ）
conclusion.

我一般都写5段式，这样论述比较清楚

wisezmz

lhcamm 发表于 22-10-2013 22:59

                               
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你的文章看过之后我觉得可能会在6.5或低一些 （前提是如果你在澳洲考）。有一点我很肯定你的这篇文章绝对拿 ...

关于你提出的“不要个人化”的观点，本人不赞同。我只需举一个例子便可以证明：在《剑8》第173页的考官范文中，该作者在最后一段完全以个人感受来论证自己的观点，“Personally, I think that ... I went to a mixed school, but feel that I myself missed ...”

                               
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如果你argue这篇是G类作文，A类作文要求更严，那么请往前翻至第167页。在这篇A类写作考官范文中，作者在第3、第5段均以第一人称来阐述观点：“I think to tackle this problem...”  “In conclusion, I think that ...”

                               
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不过，阁下的那段作文的确更加流畅、严密，给了我很大启发。子曰：三人行必有我师焉。然也！

wisezmz

darrenlee 发表于 22-10-2013 22:13

                               
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支持楼主,我也来写个,这次的蛋扯的有点远,2,3百字真是不够扯...

The development of a country's econom ...

大侠这篇神作，在下不太懂欣赏，怎么看都觉得是5分的范。

1、首段过于冗长，且观点不够鲜明。

2、主体段只论述了教育需作为衡量标准，但完全没有谈及题目的第二个问题“Do you think one factor is more important than others?”

darrenlee

wisezmz 发表于 23-10-2013 11:49

                               
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关于你提出的“不要个人化”的观点，本人不赞同。我只需举一个例子便可以证明：在《剑8》第173页的考官 ...

Forget about examples from the IELTS officials. I don't see words like "I think","Personally" appearing in any articles of The Economist. As long as we are communicating, saying those words is perfectly fine. Essay? That's a whole different animal. Higher standard produces greater outcome, don't you think?

darrenlee

wisezmz 发表于 23-10-2013 12:11

                               
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大侠这篇神作，在下不太懂欣赏，怎么看都觉得是5分的范。

1、首段过于冗长，且观点不够鲜明。

腻歪写八股文了,
几分不知道,考场上让我这么写也写不出来,时间不够再加上紧张,最后还得是八股文

darrenlee

发重复了....

lhcamm

wisezmz 发表于 23-10-2013 11:49

                               
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关于你提出的“不要个人化”的观点，本人不赞同。我只需举一个例子便可以证明：在《剑8》第173页的考官 ...

Thank you for your reply. The reason why you see the samples that have many "I" is that the examinors can master it better thant you. This is becuase thay are native speaker and their English is far more natural thank you . My ielts teacher told me that in the ielts, first of all, you language should be natural and fluent. This advise is not only suitablt for writing but speaking as well.

We are not native speaker and our english is originally not natural. So we can not completely copy the sample's writing style. You should have your own style and find someone who is native speaker or can handle ielts writing well to refine and make your writing natural and fluent. This is also why I attended ielts class in Brisbane before I achieved four 7.5...

wisezmz

lhcamm 发表于 23-10-2013 14:32

                               
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Thank you for your reply. The reason why you see the samples that have many "I" is that the examin ...

As the saying goes, one man's meat may be another man's poison。 So，我认为，你的这种写法与我的这种写法并无矛盾，适合自己就行。All roads lead to Rome.

另，我的外教，一位具有3年雅思考官经验的美国人，从来没说过我这种写法有任何问题——我给他看过几十篇习作。

darrenlee

lhcamm 发表于 23-10-2013 14:32

                               
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Thank you for your reply. The reason why you see the samples that have many "I" is that the examin ...

That's NOT about the naturality of language itself.It's about the context of the task you are trying to accomplish. The real application of writing task 2 is to write a real essay which requires objectivity of the author. It means don't use personal references in  it.

Maybe the officials added those words in examples just to tell us "Relax,test-takers. Task 2 is not a real essay.You can write whatever you feel comfortable with."

dongbotang

我看移民局官网上写着　
There are two IELTS tests—an academic test and a general training test. You need to take only the general test unless otherwise advised by your skills assessing authority.

ruofeng111

wisezmz 发表于 23-10-2013 14:54

                               
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As the saying goes, one man's meat may be another man's poison。 So，我认为，你的这种写法与我的这 ...

格斗士，您的外教的辅导方式是上课呢？还是看习作呢？ 收费标准能否介绍一下。 我想在某淘上找个看习作的雅思老师，可是大部分很难辨别真假。

lhcamm

wisezmz 发表于 23-10-2013 14:54

                               
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As the saying goes, one man's meat may be another man's poison。 So，我认为，你的这种写法与我的这 ...

you are right, you should have your own style of ielts. I am glad to hear you have a ielts tutor for your ielts exam. are you doing your ielts in China?

lhcamm

darrenlee 发表于 23-10-2013 15:16

                               
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That's NOT about the naturality of language itself.It's about the context of the task you are tryi ...

what I said is from a local ielts teacher in australia. I think you are right. I want to add that topic is the one thing ,ietls is aiming to test your english primarily. So it is essential to master english well such as sentance and word selection.

Speaking of the context and idea of eassy, ielts just tests you how could you use english to express idea and support or argue it.

wisezmz

lhcamm 发表于 23-10-2013 18:22

                               
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you are right, you should have your own style of ielts. I am glad to hear you have a ielts tutor f ...

俺从来没出过国。