雅思作文批改集中贴(旧文)--编辑完毕

wj22

之前曾经做过一个另类投票,结果显示十二月是雅思通过率最高的一个月.这也讲明了十二月是最多考鸭的筒子.

看了不少同学的练习,发现不少同学其实是犯相似的错误.所以现在把以前改过的练习集中在这里,以供冲刺的同学参考.
如果有同学不愿意旧作重现人间,请通知我.
另外,这里还有不少热心的同学帮改作文,所以我会贴出原文的地址,再贴出本人的看法.有兴趣的同学可以去原贴看看相关的讨论.--

[ 本帖最后由 wj22 于 1-12-2011 20:32 编辑 ]

wj22

原帖:http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewthread.php?tid=870773&page=1#pid2435195

批改:

感觉上LZ的写作过于拘泥于题目及格式。中英文的写作逻辑不同，建议LZ先理清写作逻辑。

这篇信总体上连贯性不足，基本上像是在答问题。另外请注意句与句之间的连贯与承接（大作文还要注意段与段之间的连贯），这是雅思写作评分的重点。
Dear Sam,

I’m wiring （writing) to you to tell you (I am writing to tell you that) that I have recently started work in a new company, Cisco Systems, Inc., which is one of the most famous telecommunication companies all over the world. You may be curious about why I left my previous employer Intel. The reason is that I prefer Cisco to Intel, and what’s more, I’ve been a fan of Cisco technologies since I was young.

1.非正式信件最好以礼貌性用语开场。
2.have started a new job in ....... 如果一定要用work，最好是 I have recently started working in...........
3.最后一句逻辑不清，切忌为了达到写作要求而搪塞。



During these days, I have been enjoying the days working at Cisco. I’ve got a number of racks of devices. I just configure them and set up a working telecommunication network. Furthermore, the working time is very flexible, so I can get up late everyday. And the most important thing is that the pay is much higher than the job before.

1.需要用适当的连接词，而不是以during these days来开头。另外，during these days,.......days wokring.........days 重复
2.量词，一个就够了，a number of deveices or racks of devieces
3.remove "just"，太口语化
4.如果整段是写你为什么enjoy working at Cisco,第二、三句要做适当的调整。

Finally, I should tell you that I’m preparing for the CCIE (Cisco Certified Internetworking Expert) certificate, which is the top certificate on the networking area. It was expensive for me to take the example before but now I can take it for free!

1.remove“I should tell you that"直接写你在做什么，即使是中文也没有什么“我应该告诉你。。。。”这种写法吧。

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours，
Sean

Live in House or An apartment（雅思写作不要求标题）

（没有应题，即，address the questions. 但注意只是把题目内容抄一遍是会被扣分的。250字的文章最好用大概50字来应题，写写background等）

With the development of real estate market, more and more choices ofhousing are faced with consumers. Take Shanghai for example, allcitizens lived in apartments several decades ago. But after the 1990s,more and more houses have been developed by real estate companies, inorder to meet the requirement of high level consumers. Living in houseor an apartment, it’s now a choice for citizens of large cities.

1.语意不清，结构上需要调整。另外，最好先表明观点，即先答题。 人家问advantages and disadvantages, 以上这段看不出来。
2.第一句：......choices.....are faced with consumers. 应以consumers来做主语
3.Take Shanghai for example, 太口语化: For example, .........
4.正式写作忌以but, and做句子开头
5. more and more重复出现
6. 语句不是很通顺（以下愚作乃根据原文所改，但不建议以此作为开头段，只做参考而已）
With developments of the real estate market, consumers have more choices in selecting their preferred type of housing. For example, before the 1990s when the housing market in Shanghai started to develop, apartments were the only type of housing available for the residents. However, after the 1990s, houses were introduced to the market by various real estate companies and have  attracted  a  large  amount of consumers since then.  Today, consumers in populated cities can choose either apartments or houses as their preferred type of housing.
Living in a house is a good decision for successful people. There areseveral advantages. First of all, houses are always built in the uptownareas, where livers can enjoy fresher air, which is good for health.Furthermore, more space for living make people relax better, and theycan hold whatever activities they want, such as part and sport. Lastbut not the least, it’s a good way of investment to buy ahigh-qualified house, for the owner of the house can enjoy profitbrought by the development of the city.
1.第一句不应题
2.livers?谁的肝啊？-->residents. 另外，如非必要，不要从句里再从句。
3.不要随便用last but not the least。 这是一般在文章结尾用的。
4.需要调整结构。

On the other hand, to live in an apartment is a better choice for usyoung citizens of a city. First, it’s tough to afford the high load ofbuying a house. Second, the apartments are usually built in downtownwhere is usually nearer to the working place. Finally, apartments arealways narrow so that you don’t need too much effort and expense toclean.
All in all, living in house is a good suggestion for rich people. Butfor youth, whether it’s a blessing or a curse depends on whether theycan afford such a high expense.

1.假如写house那段的结构整理好了，这段用on the other hand，开头做比较是可以的。
2.for us young citizens of a city ----> for your residents. citizen是公民，resident是居民，住在一个地方的人不一定都是那个国家的公民，特别在讨论居住时，resident 比较合适。
3.既然已经讲是young residents,后面就要捉住young来讨论，不要过于笼统， 后面的论证改一改就可以支撑开头句了。
4.load --> loan
5.nearer-->near 就够了
6.narrow--> apartments have smaller space
7.All in all--> In all
8.结论最好另起一段。另外，有没有钱住house并不是人家要问的，据以上原文，住house的一个advantage是可以突出自己有钱。这样的论点考官可能不太接受吧。
9. 还是文章结构需要改善。 基本上只有在罗列论证，语句不是很连贯。

wj22

原帖:http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewthread.php?tid=871070&page=1#pid2446228

批改:

在改你的作文前想问一下你的题目是从哪里来的？ 感觉上题目的用词有点怪，而且现在雅思的大作文好像比较少只有一句话来做background，多数都比较像essay的题目。（另外以下只略改结构性及用法的问题）


You ordered a new cheque book from your bank two weeks ago but you have received nothing.

Write a letter to the manager complaining about the bad service. Say when and how you ordered the cheque book. Ask how much longer you will have to wait and ask the manager what action he will take over this matter.
You should write at least 150 words.

You do NOT need to write your own address. Begin your letter as follows:

Dear Sir or Madam：
I am writing this letter in order to
complain about the bad service of your bank that I received recently.
I have been a customer of your bank for three years. On 8th June, I ordered a new cheque book from your bank considering that I plan to take my holiday next month. It would take me a large amount of money for the holiday as my family members will come with me. As usual, I believe the cheque book would arrive after five working days. However, two weeks have past and I haven’t received the cheque book until now.
1.writing this letter to 就够了，后面的in order to 可以省去。
2.去掉bad，虽然题目里有这个词 （所以觉得怪怪的）， 但是犯错的人不是你写信的对象。一开始就下定论，语气太重。
3.第一句的后半句句式易引起confusion，不利于读者分清中心，可以改为： about the service I recently received  from your bank.
4.第二句需要略略的修改一下,  如：I have been a royal customer of your bank for three years 这样子才可以看得出他们如何“辜负”了你对他们的信任，从而才可以在后面展开写。不然这句看起来上下不连接。
5.第三、四句顺序掉过来。最好考虑将两句以连接词来合并。
6.需要注意主语的变换，如最后两句。
7.大体结构都在了，但是要注意句与句之间的连贯性。

Last week I called to your bank for asking the arriving date of my cheque book. One employee of your bank, whose name is Jason Wong, took my call and inform me that he will check the arriving date and offer me a reason that my cheque book was so late. However, I don’t receive any phone call from him or any other employees of yours. I was wondering if it is possible for you to check my cheque book. Furthermore, your service of customer’s response should be improved, otherwise your bank will lose more customers.
I am looking forward to receive your response. Your assistance in this matter would be appreciated.
Yours faithfully
1.Last week 如果置前最好后面以逗号与主句分隔。
2.还是连贯性。第二、三句中因该加写他们答应xxx天内给你回复，这样后面就接得上了。
3.第二句可用同为语：A gentlement , Jason Wong, answered.....
4.第二句太多的and连接。
5.第四句以后与complain无关，特别是第四句。应该写写他们这种服务有什么弊端，再写你想他们做什么。而且要求的语气也过弱。
6.look forward to doing
7. receive ....-－> hearing from  you
8.faithfully不合适，商业上一般sincerely 就够了。

大作文

The Internet is becoming a dominant element in modern life.  Discuss its advantages and disadvantages.

Since last century, with the rapid development of information technology, the Internet has brought significant changes to our lives. While some people argue that the Internet leads to negative impacts,I personally have to agree with the statement that the benefits of the Internet far outweigh its drawbacks.
1.开段不错，能清晰的阐明自己的观点，但是要注意： （1）不要过于夸张，last century-->the past two decades (2) remove "have to"  ，没有人逼你同意。（3）statement -->opinion

First of all, the Internet is a quick method to acquire information. The latest events, happening all over the world, can be caught up in real-time by the Internet. For example, last year’s huge earthquake in Sichuan province was on the internet just ten minutes after it happened, spreading instantly from China to other countries.

1.用从句把第一、二句合起来。
2.在最后加一句来回应第一句。

Furthermore, the Internet can help us to communicate effectively and directly. It is, indeed, an undeniable fact that the Internet has changed the way we communicate. As a result, people prefer the Internet rather than other tools such as phone and mail,as well as fax as it is efficient and cheap. Nowadays, when most people arrive at their offices, the first thing they do is to turn on their computers and MSN messenger, which is an instant messaging program to keep in touch with their friends and families.

1.既然上面用First of all 来开头，这段就不要用futhermore。 Furthermore 一般用于继续展开同一内容。这里可以用Secondly。
2. communicate more .......
3.第二句应为第一句的论据而不是只是陈述internet改变生活。
4.第三句与第一句的论点不符。第四句亦然。
5。既然第一句写internet 在通讯上的effectiveness and directness, 后面就要捉住这两方面来写。

In spite of these benefits, the negative effects brought by the Internet cannot be denied. It is true that young children could be influenced by inappropriate pictures like violent ones. Some of them, in particular, aren’t able to distinguish right from wrong. Moreover, the Internet provides misleading details of fake products, which could harm customers who regularly shop online. Nevertheless, this trend would not happen frequently.

1.以从句合并第二、三句，并注意用词如ones.
2.第四句最好用被动式，不要以internet来做主语。第一句已经讲negative effects，所以从连贯的角度上看，要以negative effects 如 misleading information等来做主语。
By ways of conclusion, I once again restate my position that the Internet has had positive impacts in modern life because of its influence on communication and high efficiency.

1.可能寡闻，从没见过by ways of conclusion, in conclusion 就够了。
2.不需要restate......把第一段的观点改写以下就可以与第一段呼应了。

此文引出可能有用的讨论:
1.
理论上Yours faithfully 用于你不认识对方，不知道对方的名字，而Yours sincerely用于你知道对方的名字。所以一半是配对出现，如Dear Sir/Madam， 就用Yours faithfully,而DearMr/Ms/Miss某某 等用Yours sincerely. 但是具体用那种来做closing （如其他的truely,甚至respctfully)是看文章的语调的。有时即使是formal letter但是如果想达到一些socialable的效果，或者不想太过沉重，可以用一些轻一点的closing.这就是为什么于一般商业信件建议你可以用sincerely。但是，有一点你指出的很对，那就是这篇文章应该用faithfully,因为用的是sir/madam开头（改到中途忽略了这点）。但要提醒一下，其实雅思有时不一定用Dear Sir/Madam 只给Dear，这就要看文章的语调来决定了。其实现今很多的书信文件，除非收信人比你的级别实在高很多或者有些特殊头衔，不然一般都趋向socialable的closing。而且现在的情况比较复杂，抬头写Dear branchmanager用faithfully还是sincerely？只能讲一般的商用文件可以用sincerely,但如果语调很强的话就应该用faithfully. 所以，虽然抬头与结尾是配对出现，但也要因情况来考虑。

2.
即使是by way of conclusion，在此也不大适合。一般来讲，by way of 其中一个用法是用于表明做某事的意图。如果用byway ofconclusion,下文一般还会继续。所以一般不用于文章的结尾，即使用于文章的结尾，后面也会有一定的文段。从原文的结构上看，到了最后那段，由于前面已经用罗列的方式，而且作者意在结尾，那就用in conclusion会比较合适。

wj22

原帖:http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewthread.php?tid=876318&page=1#pid2513463

批改:
LZ 审题不细,原题的关键是 Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject

In the long history of college education, there is a prevalent phenomenon that the gender distributions in different subjects are quite different.Specifically, in the fields of science and engineering, it is obvious that male students are dominant, on the other hand, female students account for a more higher percentage in the fields of nursing and liberal arts. Nowadays, some people argue that universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. From my own perspective, I do not agree with that.
1)there is --> there has been
2) gender distributions ....are..--> gender distribution... is...
3)Specifically --> Generally, generally 比较合适
4)"it is obvious that male students are dominant" dominant in what? 因直接指出人数上的优胜
5)on the other hand ---> while
6)more higher --> much higher
7)前两句不错但第三句的一个Nowadays 把整段的机构破坏了. 其实, 改成 As a result, 后面在修改一下就可以了.
8)own perspective --> my opinion 就够了,虽然perspective 有角度,看法的含义,但不适合这样子用.
9) do not agree with "that". 应直接指出不同意的部分,不然语意不清.


First of all, men have different interests from women.  Because of the different physical makeup, men tend to more logical, while women tend to be more emotional. For instance, when a man and a woman are both ordered to find a place where they have never visit, the men often depends on the map or the GPS. On the contrast, the women depends on the feeling. So after graduating from high schools, male students often select the science subjects, and the female students practically choose the liberal art.  A recent study conducted by the Chinese Academic department revealed that the number of male students in science and engineering fields is twice as the number of female students, Just take my subject-computer science for example, there are about 30 people in our class, but only 3 female students, more terrible subject is the Mining science, all the students in the class are male.

1)第一句应在最后加 "所以......." 来应题,而后文就围绕因兴趣的不同而导致选课不同,硬是规定同一科男女数目相同是不合理的来展开就好了.
2)makeup, 没有这个字. make-up 主义为化妆(品), 成分.
3)men tend to more ---> men tend to be more
4)ordered --> asked/required
5)have never visit --> have never visited before
6)On the contrast 一般用于陈述两个不同的观点. 另外最好不要用省略.
7)在举例后,加 "所以....." 来呼应第一句.
8)注意"the" 的用法,上文有不少用不对的地方.
9) 上文过于陈述例子,应该调整一下结构,把各例证结合.另注意句与句之间的连接与上下文的逻辑性.

Meanwhile, there is a equality issue in this problem. In China, the number of male students are greater than the number of female students. Providing that the universities are forced to accept the same numbers of men and women, more male intelligent students will lose the opportunity to go to the college. The policy runs contrary to the spirit of equality of education. And if the female students would not select the subjects of science and engineering, as a result, it will waste the precious educational resource and be harmful to the social progress.  

这段需要改善. 看不出此段与题目问题的关系.
From the foregoing discussion, we can come to a conclusion that we could not force the universities to accept the same numbers of male and female students. We should give more freedom to the universities and to the students as well, only in this way, the college education can contribute to the development of society more efficiently.

审题

wj22

原帖:http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewthread.php?tid=876320&page=1#pid2514359

批改:
总体算是比较流畅,但是跑题了. 原题重点是 working at home by using modern technology benefits workers only, butnot the employers. telecommunication 只是 modern technology 的一种, 全文只着重telecommunication,而且结尾也如此,不禁让人觉得跑题. 其实适当的修改一下,注重用词,问题就可以解决.
Modern technology has brought significant changes to our lives inrecentyears and makes it possible for employees to work at homeinstead ofoffice. Some people argue that this lifestyle just benefitthe employeesrather than employers. However, from my point of view,not only theemployees but also the employers can benefit greatly fromsuch kind ofworking style.澳洲移民互助论坛|澳洲华人|澳大利亚DIY移民,生活,工作,兴趣互助平台 - 我为人人，人人为我3 f, n8 n1 _! W' O6 D

1)总体感觉不错,但有些地方需要注意,具体见下.
2)开头句不错,但建议把并列改成转折,这样更应题: xxxxxx in recent years such that xxxxxxxxxxx
3) instead of office ---> instead of in the office
4)just benefit ---> just benefits
5) rather than ---> but not , 如果想用rather than, only benefits xxxx rather than
6) employers ---> the employers
7)注意连接, 上句用lifestyle,这句用working style, 语意上不连接.


% Q8 h! \. C8 k/ D'`$\澳洲华人,澳洲移民,澳洲自助移民,澳洲移民DIY,澳大利亚自助移民,澳大利亚移民DIY,澳洲生活,澳洲留学,澳大利亚留学,澳大利亚生活,澳洲租房,澳洲工作,澳洲华人论坛,澳大利亚华人论坛,澳大利亚中国人论坛,澳洲中国人论坛,澳洲移民非中介,澳大利亚移民非中介,旅游,论坛,我为人人,人人为我The first merit of telecommuting is saving time. It is clearthatemployees benefit from this state-of-the-art technology. A recentsurveyconducted by Tsinghua University reveals that more than 50% ofcommutersspent more than 2 hours on road. However, it also shows thatmore than80% of the interviewees say that they prefer to work at homelonger thanin office. So employers also benefit from time-savingtelecommuting.

1) merit 不合适, 建议用用advantage.不要为了展现词汇而在用词的准确性上丢分.
2)原题重点为working at home, 但这里谈的是 telecommuting. 应该先扣住working at home 在以telecommuting为例来展开.
3)"state-of-the-art" ??? 作者想讲明什么? Academic writing 不要过于着色.
4)第三句后应简单讲一下working at home 节省了时间.
5)第三句与第四句不成转折关系. 最好用Furthermore改为递进用以加强节省时间.
6)最后一句与整段关系不明显, 突然间从employee跳到employer
7)benefit 重复出现过多次.
我为人人，人人为我0 e" [6 I; l! N8 R* P8 U
澳洲移民互助论坛|澳洲华人|澳大利亚DIY移民,生活,工作,兴趣互助平台 - 我为人人，人人为我* z7 L1 M8 Q( `% N% t
Secondly but more importantly, telecommuting can benefit employersmoreif we take emotion and psychology factors into account. Researchshowsthat worry about late for working and bad traffic condition hasbecomethe No.1 stressor instead of marriage problems. Many employeesbecomeexhausted and fall in low spirit after a long journey to officeandmost of them may fall into road rage if traffic jam occurred.Imagingthat a tired office woman rushed into her box office or anirritatedprogrammer powered on his computer and begin to debug hisprogram, doyou believe their work will be efficient and fruitful?Telecommutingwill benefit the employers in terms of keeping theemployees in goodemotion and high spirit by kicking away the stressor.

1)建议删去"but more importantly"
2)见上段2
3)worry --> worrying
4)late --> being late
5)working--> work
6)has --> have
7)stressor---> sources of stress
8)删去stress 后的部分,因为过于累赘. 如果真的要这部分,建议改成状语.
9)第三第四句应该简化并注意连接与用词如box office 指的是戏院等地的售票处.www.freeoz.org/bbs% W8 H5 S; B& _& H) E
www.freeoz.org  s, u+ \$ N9 k: h' l
In conclusion, I reaffirm my position again that not only theemployeesbut also the employers will benefit from telecommuting. Ibelieve thatit will become more and more popular in the future with thedevelopmentof information technology and more people will benefit fromit.

1)reaffirm 既然有 re-就不用跟again了
2)第二句的两个it指示不清.

wj22

原帖: http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewthread.php?tid=877908&page=1#pid2534442

批改:

请问一下LZ题目是从哪里来的?题目有点不地道而且有语法错误.
题目：www.freeoz.org, ?4 C3 N- v% h9 n
Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with havemuchmore influence on our personality and development than anyexperienceswe may have in our life.澳洲华人,澳洲移民,澳洲自助移民,澳洲移民DIY,澳大利亚自助移民,澳大利亚移民DIY,澳洲生活,澳洲留学,澳大利亚留学,澳大利亚生活,澳洲租房,澳洲工作,澳洲华人论坛,澳大利亚华人论坛,澳大利亚中国人论坛,澳洲中国人论坛,澳洲移民非中介,澳大利亚移民非中介,旅游,论坛,我为人人,人人为我4 F' ]* u; p: {1 d& e
Which do you consider to be the major influence ?

In mordern society, there are a wide variety of peoplewithdifferent personalities doing different works. Recently, aresearchindicates that the characteristics we are born with have farmoreimpact on our personality and development than any experiences wemayhave in our life. Even though some people disagree with that, Iamstrongly support this view.

1....are a --> is a
2. ....people withdifferent personalities LZ应该想讲人性格多样吧,但第一句表达的是"有相当多的人具有多重性格"
3.第一句除了歧义还过于累赘.应该着重写性格的多样化.
4.第二句基本上是抄题目.雅思评分标准表明抄题目是不可以的.
5.第三句的that 要改为不同意的意见
6.最好不要用strongly support. strongly support 等同中文的坚决支持. 语气不需要这么硬.

Fundamentally speaking,Human’s personality is determined by the characteristics weare bornwith. This point can be best illustrated by the example ofdistinctbehavior of children. Some children that are the type ofextroverted aremore hyperactive and more open to the strange objectswhich involvepeople and stuff, while no sooner is a strange persongoing to give theintroverted child a hug, then this child may bescared to tears.Pratically, the child of the first type will grow to amore aggressiveperson, and he or she will almost do a sales job orbecame a leader. Bycontrast, the introverted child will become anadult that is not activeand not adept at expressing himself, as aconsequence, he or she will dosome researchment job or become a writerin the future for the most part.

1.Fundamentally speaking--> Generally speaking 就够了.
2 Human's personality --> people's personality, 另外,句中human不用大写
3. 第一句只有在抄题目,没有提出论点.最好与第二句合并.
4.删去the example of
5.distinct, 相对什么来讲
6. Some children that are the type ofextroverted --> Children who are extroverted
7.hyperactive是过动, 多为贬义
8. the strange objects --> strange objects
9.第三句在第二个从句开始乱了.
10.第四句, the child of ---> children of
11. grow to a --> grow to be a
12. aggressive 多为贬义
13. he or she -->they
14. 第四句语意不清, 外向->?aggressive->?sales/leader? 没有什么必然的关系吧.
15. the introverted child --> introverted children
16. 最后一句把内向和终结分为两句,并做适当的修改.
17. LZ提出的各项论点有点勉强.

3 d  J/ _3 U% |$ A2 @3 fwww.freeoz.org/bbs澳洲移民互助论坛|澳洲华人|澳大利亚DIY移民,生活,工作,兴趣互助平台 - 我为人人，人人为我6 Z9 g- R) V4 a
Indeed, the experience and sorroundings may change the personalityofone person to some extent. But as a matter of fact, the effectisrather little. After participating in a course which conduct thepeoplehow to communicate with other people and express themselvesaffluentlyand effectively, extreme minority of the people will changetheirbehavior ways to some point, and superficially they are moreactive andaggressive, then because of the changement in theirpersonality theycan do the same job as the extroverted people as well.But essentially,the experiences only change people’s behavior but notchange theirpersonalities at all.

1.由于第二段没有很好地论证人先天的特点对人性格的作用,这段再写周围环境也有影响,使得作者的立场比较弱.
2. the experience --> experiences
3. of one --> of a
4. 删去 to some extent
5.不要用but开头
6.第二句过于口语化.
7. which conduct -->  which conducts, conduct 改为teach
8. the people --> people
9. other people ---> others
10. express-->expresses
11. extreme minority of the people, 论证论点是靠举可信的,有逻辑性的实例, 过于夸大反而起反作用.
12.behavior ways --> behavior
13. 删去 to some point
14. 第二句从and superficially开始就很乱了. 另外superficially 不可以这样用.

1 H% O" w* Y3 {  I" ?8 o
www.freeoz.org& J% `; L! D1 s5 ^/ b1 PTosum up, the characteristics which are born with the person are thekeydeterminant of the personality of a person, and thedifferentpersonalities exert an profound effect on the development oftheperson.     

LZ这篇文章有词不达意以及用词不准确的现象.主要问题有:
1.论证不支持论点,论点不清晰
2.句与句之间不连贯,句子结构不清晰,往往句子过长.
3.定冠词,不定冠词用法有误
4.限定与非限定从句用法不正确.
5.有相当的语法与英语用法问题
建议LZ先从基本的句子,词汇开始练习,不要急于写大作文.

wj22

原帖:http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewthread.php?tid=904159&page=1#pid2871560

批改:

There is a growing trend in schooling these days that teachersplacemore emphases on academic studying, while neglecting othersubjectssuch as music, art and sports. They argue that these optionalsubjectsseem to be less advantageous to students in terms ofcareerdevelopment. But I personally do not believe this will be thebest wayto cultivate our children at school.

1.schooling-->schools
2.studying-->subjects(没有必要改,按题目的就好)
3.other subjects --->non-academic subjects (与前面成对比,other subjects指代不清)
4.They -->Some teachers, they:一,指代不清,二,过于绝对,并不是所有的老师都有这种做法的.
5.these optional subjects --> the non-academic subjects
6. seem to be less advantageous --> are less helpful
7.在第二句末加, while other teachers/parents等 ......对立的观点. 这样子后面会接得比较顺.
8.句子开头一般不要用but, but-->However
9. believe-->agree
10. cultivate -->educate即可

On the one hand, obviously, focusing more attention on academicsubjectsdoes have the potential to bring about young students a plentyofbenefits, including those associated with vocational promotion.Withmodern technology developing so fast ,many jobs in future will bemorechallenged and need more advanced skills for employees, thereforeaperson who can not manage to achieve a good qualification will belessable to find a decent job in labour market, and thuspersonaldevelopment in career might be unimaginable. So childrenworking hardin academy with continued teaching should be more likely tobesuccessful in future working life, compared with those having apooracademic level.

1. 第一句: On the one hand, focusing more on academicsubjects can potentially bring benefits to young students in careerdevelopment.
2.LZ, vocational promotion, 你想表达什么?
3.第二句, With fast development in modern technology,
4. in future --> in the future
5. 在more后加techically
6.challenged 后加, 将and 改为and hence, employees are required to be equipped with more advanced skills.
7.therefore -->Therefore, ....(从开一句)
8. a person --> people
9. can not manage to --> fail to (另in academic writing, can not --> cannot)
10. qualification 后加 in academic subjects,
11. be less able to -->be less likely to
12. labour --> job
13.and thus personaldevelopment in career might be unimaginable-->从开一句: This may result in great difficulties in future careerdevelopment.
14.最后一句可以删去.

On the other hand, those subjects which are considered less usefulforchildren’s future career, such as music, art and sports actuallyplayan active role in their future working life in terms of physicalandpsychological development. Specifically, when children have beentaughtto play an instrument, sports or do painting, they canbenefitthemselves a lot from those activities, such as confidence,cooperationand competition, which certainly can contribute to theirpromotion incareer in future. Moreover, in some cases, a child will befound tohave a special gift in these areas and ultimately become agreatmusician, artist or exceptional sports star.

1. those subjects .....future career->non-academic subjects
2.应在第一句点出non-academic subjects表面上对日后工作没有直接联系,但于人的体格,心理发展上有重要影响.
3.Specifically --> For example,
4.第二句应断开成两句:一讲有好处,二具体讲有什么好处.
5.这段的观点相对地弱了点,并没有与第二段起到很好的对比作用

In conclusion, on behalf of children’s future, it is alwaysworthspending time and efforts in academic subjects, as well asthoseoptional subjects such as music, art and sports. The combinationof thetwo types of subject in schooling may be the most beneficialforchildren in terms of growing up and future career as a whole.

1. on behalf of 不适当

LZ的开头段及第二段的结构不错,有应题, 但从第三段开始就有点问题.结论中的观点并没有很好地在前几段展出从而有点牵强.另外,LZ于词言的准确性上需要提高.

wj22

原帖:http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewthread.php?tid=913821&page=1#pid2986200

批改:

建议LZ下次最好连题目一起放上来.

Dear Sir,

I wish to make a complaint about the bank statement I recentlyreceivedfrom you. It stated that you will be charging【这样可以吗？】 me $70directlyfrom my account for $240 overdrawn. I believe there is amistake.

1.wish-->礼貌点的用would like to,语气直接的就用want
2.make  ---> lodge
3.from you -->from your bank
4. It stated-->It states
5. It states that I was charged with a $70 fee for a $240 overdrawn.
6. 需要在第二句和最后一句间加连接词,这样语意会顺一点.

I have had this bank account for a few years now and have keptgoodrecords upon using it. I have never spent this $240 for anythinginrecent months. I'm sure of it especially after I checked allmyshopping receipts from this month. I usually collect all myshoppingreceipts, so if there is anying confusing I can refer to them.

1.这一段有点乱,应该一开始就讲问题出在哪里.这样与上一段就接上了.然后再讲你的证据有多么可信.
2.第二句放在第一句前
3.have kept good records upon using it ---> have kept detailed records of all my banking activities.
4.第二句需要调整,语意表达比较不清.
5第三句开始就比较乱了.


I am sure you will agree that this is a most unsatisfactorysituation.Therefore, I request you to investigate my complaint, andrespond bythe last day you have set for me to pay that $70. Or I willbeinsisting【这样可以吗？】 a full refund of that.

1.LZ的语气时弱时强,需要统一一下. 这段的语气太硬了.

Yours sincerely,

Joe Jones

LZ的写作语法错误不多,但语意比较不清晰,段与段之间,句与句之间结构比较松.另外,投诉的语气(特别是最后一段)有点过硬了.

wj22

原帖:http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewthread.php?tid=917551&page=1#pid3028890

批改:
Nowadays, many people have changed their old conception of working.Theywill never spend their lives doing the same things while othersstillkeep no change. In my opinion, change is a good thing but it isnotsuitable for everyone.

1. conception ---> concept
2.将第二句的前半改为定语,如Rather than spending......they ........, 这样就可以与第一句接上了.
3.开头段太简单, 没有足够的background来应题.

On the one side, people can get benefits from changing theirjobs.Firstly, searching for a new job can earn more money. Peoplealwayspursue wealth which is their first target for working. Accordingto asurvey, 90 percent of people who want to change their occupationarenot satisfied with current salary. Secondly, people will be lazyifthey keep stay in a same place. A new environment will encouragethemto express their potential ability. Last but not least, newworkingopportunity enable employees to study new technology to enrichtheirknowledge which will promote the skill level of the workers.

1.on the one side ---> on the one hand
2. 第一段没有讲清楚工作变换,但是这段一开头就讲,所以语意上出现连接问题.
3.文段中的论据松散,并不能很好地论证论点(文段的第一句).给人以只是在罗列理由而已.点与点之间没有什么连接.
4.第二句语意不清晰.
5.第三句过于绝对,只能讲some people.
6.occupation-->职业,所以转工不等于转职业.
7.keep stay -->keep staying
8. in a same place --> in the same place
9. potential ability --> potentials
10. Last but not least --> Last but not the least, 另外此短语一般于文章结尾用.
11. opportunity  enable --> opportunities enable
12.总体上不少语句不是很通顺.

On the other side, people should not change their jobindiscriminatelybecause they should consider some issues. In the firstplace, peopleneed to get accustomed to a new system which means newemployee to thenew company. No one in the company will treat you asprofessionalworker as before. In their eyes, you just a new colleaguewho can becommanded by anyone. In the second place, if you are afrequentjob-hopping, the company will suspicious your loyalty andintegrity.For instance, if a candidate have never worked for a companymore thanone year, definitely, the interviewer of the new company willrefuseyour application. Finally, people should consider more aboutjobchanging  especially if they have married. Although money isimportant,stable of life is more significant. Changing a job means achallenge,it may be failed. At that time, the whole family will tied bythepressure of unemployment. That is why people really shouldconsidercarefully about this thing.

1.On the other side --> On the other hand
2. some  太弱 -->following
3.第二句,后半语句有问题
4.第三,四句不合理
5.job-hopping--job--hopper
6.suspicius -->suspect,其实suspect用得不当,应用have doubts in your
7.have --> has
8. more than one year --> for more than one year
9.删definitely
10. 删of the new company
11.在第五句application  后加  based on ......
12. 第六句与论点矛盾.
13. stable --> stability
14.段落语句结构性很低,点与点之间没什么连接以至于论据没什么力度.LZ可以搜搜以前论坛一些同学的作文作为参考.

All in all, every coin has two sides. Even though changing a jobwillencounter some risks, people will be gain more through job-hoppingifthey can make a serious consideration before they make decisions.

1. All in all ---> In all
2.will be gain --> will gain
3.由于前面论点没摆好,这段没有办法总结全文,所以也没有呼应到第一段.

总体上LZ与文章结构,段落结构都需要下功夫.另外,还有一些基本的语法.应该多在从句上花时间.

wj22

原帖:http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewthread.php?tid=933920&page=1#pid3202117

批改:

In these years, more and more countries are interested and involvedingenetic engineering projects, and huge development has been madeinthis specific area. The potential impact of genetic engineeringonhuman being is a subject of intense debate. In my opinion, thefutureof genetic engineering is stimulating and fascinating, but alsoweshould not oversee its downside.

1.扣题了.LZ的开头段是一个扣了题的好例子.

2.In these years --> In recent decades,

3. 所有的be interested--->be interested in

4.第一句可改为因果型句子 xxxxxx are not only interested in but also got involved in xxxxxxx, such that xxxxxx.

5.在第一句后,简单地讲一下基因工程与人类的好坏作用后再讲引起讨论

5.第二句开头可用 As a result 等来承上.

6. human being -->human beings

7. is a subject xxxxx ---> has become an intensely debated subject.

8.在 In my opinion 后加, considering xxxxxxxx. 由于题目问的是基因工程于人类的影响,所以应扣紧这方面来讲, 而不是讲它的发展前途.


Obviously genetic technology can improve our quality of life inmanyaspects. It is believed that the characters of a life aredetermined byits gene. Improving the gene of crops is an effective wayto addressthe problem of food scarcity. Furthermore, waste treatmentand sewagedisposal is becoming unmanageable, and it is possible to getsomebacteria which could degrade them with genetictechnology.Theoretically, it is even possible to create brand new kindof liveswhich have special abilities, such as producing oil or gas inorder tosolve the resource problem we are now facing. And diseases likecancercould also be tackled in the future as the gene of human beingcould beimproved.

1. Obviously ---> Obviously,

2. our quality of life---> the quality of our life

3.believed太弱了,而且被人believed的东西也不见的是事实 ---> It has been scientifically  shown

4. the characters 太绝对了 ---> some important characters

5. of a life --> of the human life

6. gene ---> genes

7. Improving the gene --->For instance,  modifying the genes

8.address---> solve, address只是指出问题所在而已.

9.第二,三句语意上不连接. 第二句讲的是基因于人类特征具决定性,第三句讲的是粮食问题.应对第二句做适当的修改,使其能带出第三句.

10. is becoming ---> are becoming more and more

11. 第四句有点臃肿,而且第三句已讲基因改造,那第四句最好以基因工程为主语, 如: Furthermore,  genetictechnology can also be applied to create bacteria, which caneffectively degrade human waste and sewage. Such application willgreatly assist the waste and sewage treament process, which has becomemore and more unmanagable in many countries, due to the rapid increaseof human popluation.

12. brand new kind --> a new type

13. in order to ---> to

14. 不要用And开头

15.不需要罗列太多的例子.其实第四句后就应该以已举的例子来讲明基因工程于人类生活的好的作用, 突出其优点.过多的罗列不仅重点模糊了而且也开始有堆砌的感觉了.


On the other hand, genetic technology is a threaten to biodiversity.Avast of creatures may extinct because they are less competitiveandadaptable than those creatures whose genes have beenartificiallychanged. And everybody may look similar if they are able tochangetheir gene freely.

1.这段太短了.既然要两方面讨论,那就要双方面旗鼓相当才行.不然让人觉得论证力度不够,作者的笔墨到底了, 有虎头蛇尾之嫌.

2. threaten --> threat

3. vast 后加 amount

4. creature 一般只指动物 ---> lifes

5.because  xxxxxx--> due to lower competitiveness and adaptability than

6. those creatures --> those

7. changed --> modified

8. 最后一句没什么力度.

9.缺基因工程缺点的总结


According to the above discussions, genetic engineering has a promisingfuture, but it may also lead to the loss of biodiversity

1.一般结尾应先呼应开头段,再来总结论证,从而得出结论.

2.discussions --> discussion

3. 应就基因工程于人类的影响来结尾,不是它的发展.

wj22

原帖:http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/viewthread.php?tid=932675&extra=&page=1

批改:
Poor students in school are notdenied chances to achievements, thanksto the fact that academicperformance is not the decisive factor for asuccessful adult life. Infact the list of contributing factors goes onand on, with qualitiesoften irrelevant to academic transcripts, suchas good working skillsand interpersonal relations skills, andendurance to pressure andfrustration.

1.开头段没扣题.开头段统领整篇文章的,所以必须明确的回应题目,树立自己的观点,这样后面的论证就比较容易展开.怎样的开头段才算是好的开头段?很简单,读的人不需要看题目,就可以明确地知道作者将要论证的题目,及其观点,就是好的开头段.而且开头段也可以显示出作者有没有审题,及有没有审对题,所以不可不注意.另外,雅思评分要求上指出,扣题,把题目重复一遍不算.

2.词汇的多样性是一个考点,但用词的准确也是一个考点,雅思评分中称为sophisticated.这不是讲要用多么难的词,而是指词语用得精确,贴切,雅观等.切忌为了追求语言的多样化,只看词义,不考虑褒贬,语言是否得体.这样被扣的分,比语言重复的分要多.词汇不多,用对即可;词类繁多,生搬硬套,用多错多.

3. Poor students, poor带贬义换成中性的disadvantaged students 比较好.

4. achievement是比较中性的词,简单的完成也可以算一种achievement. LZ应据自己要表达的意思在achievement前加一形容词.

5. is not the decisive ---> is not the only decisive

6.第一句,将thanks to 改为因果型的从句会比较顺.

7.In fact---> In fact,

8. contributing factors, 什么contributing factors? 需要在其前加适当的描述

9. goes on and on , 一般指,没完没了,带点贬义

10. irrelevant, 义为无关. LZ后面举了例子的确与成绩无关. LZ想讲是成绩不能反映那些方面吧.

11. interpersonal relations skills --> interpersonal skills. Interpersonal中的inter-已经含relation的意思了,再加relations就成累赘了.

12. Academic transcripts, 成绩单,--> academic results, 成绩

12. 第二句其实应改成从句,这样结构上会没有那么松散, 譬如: In fact, to attain a successful adultlife, a person's qualities, which are rarely reflected through one'sacademic results, must not be ignored. 另外,由于下文没有讨论列出的skills,所以删去.


Primarily, the definition of so-called good and poor studentsismisleading. The only piece of criteria seems to be students’testscores, which is by no means genuine reflection of personalabilities.Those who become artists, scientists or politicians could allbe thepoor students in school. Even Thomas Edison was regarded by histeacheras “intellectually handicapped”.

1.没有呼应开头段,就一下子跳到好差学生的讨论,段与段间承接出现断裂.

2.删 so-called, 太过口语化.

3.poor students,LZ到底是想讲贫困生,还是讲成绩不好的学生?从文段上猜应为后者吧.

4. piece of criteria --> criterion, criteria 为criterion的复数形式

5. be 后加the

6. 第二句从句用得不错,稍微调整一下即可,如: At school, it seems that the only criterion onjudging a student's ability is his or her test scores, which by nomeans can genuiely reflect the student's true ability.

7.应为第二句讲了成绩不能反映一个学生的真正能力,所以第三句就可以讲不是所有成绩好的学生都可以成为xxx家,然后第四句举爱迪生为例即可.不用讲那些xxxx家都有可能是在校成绩不好的学生,这样论证力度不强.


Even if the theory of discriminating good students from pooronesstands, it is undeniable that poor students enjoy certainhelpfultraits which good students lack. For instance, they tend toexpect lessand would be more willing to “start low”, thus open tomoreopportunities. Also, since they have had the experience ofgettinglower scores in school, they would usually be more resilienttopressure and frustrations in work. Good students, on the otherhand,often too used to compliments, could find it hard to lowertheirexpectations or cope with adverse situations.

1.没有承上,所有看起来是忽然起来的一段.要注意段与段之间的连接.这样,文章看起来才会比较顺,论证也才会有力.

2. 第一句前半句过于唐突.

3.discriminate带贬义

4. 第一句过于绝对,不是所有的xxxx生都有xxxx的有点或缺xxxxx.应适当地修饰一下.

5. helpful traits? trait,义为一个人性格上的特点,有帮助性的特点? 有助与人生的特性吧,如是,则需要修改了.

6. open --> are open

7.不见得要求低就机会多吧.需要适当地加些论证来加强力度.

8. Also,---> In addition,

9. in work--> at work

9. 第三句不合理.成绩低,工作抗压性就高?

10. often too --> often are  too

11. On  the other hand ,提到句头,  good students  与 compliments那部分用从句合在一起,  or --> and


Last but not least, the distinct differences between school lifeandadult life mean that students start on the same ground again whentheygraduate and commence adult lives. In most societies whereeducation isexamination-oriented, school serves as a place for childrento betaught science and arts related subjects, such as math, chemistry,andpainting etc.; while adult life centers on work and socialactivities.Needless to say there is little overlap between the two,therefore theadvantage of good students fade in adult life, whereworking skills andinterpersonal relations skills are vital.

1. 开头段没有清晰地阐明观点, 上面两段的论证没有连接好, 到了这一段文章的结构就更散了.

2. Last but not least ---> Last but not the least

3. 什么distinct differences?上文提出的那些吗?如是,则加above.而且以上文推断应是学生特性的不同,而不是学校及成年后生活的不同吧,上文没有讨论生活的不同,只有讨论学生特性上的不同.把学生那部分调前.

4. commence adult lives ---> commence their adult lives

5. In most societies ---> In most societies,

6. serves ---> only serves

7. math ---> mathematics或maths

8. etc. --> etc

9.第二句应该断开成几句.用关联词来连接各句即可.

10. Needless to say, 语气过于主观

11.the two --> these two

12.什么advantage? academic advantage? 删the, advantage 改复数.

13. 上文的观点牵强,没有论证支持,整断显得语意比较乱.




As it is apparent, those more likely to succeed in their adult livesareones that are strong enough to overcome setbacks and developgoodworking skills and interpersonal relations skills, regardless oftheirscores in school.

1.此段为结尾总结,所以用词上要体现此为总结段, as it is apparent 没有这个效果.

2. those more ---> those who are more

3. are ones --> are the ones

4.上文并没有明确的讨论过享有成功人生的人具备xxxxxskills,及这些skills与学业成绩的关联.

最后, 以题目来看,人家要考的其实是nature vs. nurture. 而LZ讨论的是学生在校成绩高低与成年后成功与否无关. 写了这么多,结果, 跑题了. 唉, 审题不清,文章再好,分数也不会高啊.

yrqin

这篇是crystali99茉莉姐的吧？我其实印象挺深的。像茉莉姐这种英文水平很高，基本功也非常好的人也由于不了解雅思作文的写作要求，因为才仅仅拿到了7分，实在是可惜。。。

在我看来，茉莉姐的词汇的运用和句式的使用水平都比我高不少，我猜应该有8分的水平，但是由于一些高级词汇使用不当和一些句式的使用比较随意，从而导致扣分，所以最后这两方面的得分应该到不了8分了。至于行文逻辑和连贯性，篇章结构方面估计只有6.5左右或更低，看来是没有找到雅思写作或学术类写作的窍门。不然对茉莉姐而言，写作总分7.5是很容易拿的，8分的可能也不小。

此外，这几天看了不少批改作文的帖子，我感觉大家给的意见和建议都是不错，但是却不一定能对写作的人有很好的帮助。我自己在2009年的时候，写作只有5.5分到6分的水平，曾经叫高人帮忙修改过，问题也找出来的。但是却不知道如何改进，如何避免？有的问题甚至是别人指出来了，自己也理解不了是怎么一回事。这是一个很尴尬的情况。

回过头来看看，学习英语最最基本的东西1个是词汇，1个是语法。这些都需要经过长时间的积累和沉淀的。现在的情况是什么呢？先集中背上一段时间单词，单词也基本知道其意思和发音。但是词性和使用的方法却知之甚少，尤其词的运用。这时候由于觉得自己词汇量大涨了，英文水平应该也跟着‘涨’了不少。其实是个很大的误区。词汇的学习远没有那么简单。背好的单词（约）=掌握的阅读词汇（但）!=听力词汇!=写作词汇!=口语词汇。一般而言，
背好的单词(略)>掌握的阅读词汇>听力词汇>写作词汇>口语词汇。

很多人光背单词+加上阅读的辅助这个其实就得花上几个月的时间，而另外三个方面的词汇呢（听力，写作，口语）？其实更需要花精力去提高和巩固。这么看来又怎么会有捷径可以走呢？

而语法总体来说，学习量和难度要比词汇少得多和低得多，说实在话，初中高中的语法知识足以。然而语法问题比较严重的人不在少数。这个我实在是很费解。其实在提高和巩固上述所说的4个方面的词汇的过程中，抽点时间经常看看语法基本上就没问题了。在练习阅读的时候，读阅读材料进行语法解析也是非常好的训练。

这么看来，只要能静下心来，好好努力几个月，扎扎实实从4个方面的词汇、阅读基本功和基础语法这几点好好花点功夫，把基本功打牢了，接下来英语水平的突飞猛进就有了根本。如果只是重视阅读词汇，然后强行用来进行写作和口头表达，貌似使用了不少高级词汇和复杂的带语病的句式，那么就会出现Chinglish，表达生硬，怪异，不地道的诸多问题了。试问这种情况下又怎么可能拿到7分以上的分数？

我自己2009年的时候写作还只有6分，口语只有5.5分，但是从那时候起我领悟到了基本功的重要性，于是开始从根本抓起，并严格要求自己：没见过的表达不要用；不肯定是正确的词的使用或搭配不用，务必要查词典仔细研究，有时候对同一个词汇的使用，我甚至要经过5，6次以上的查词典的过程才真正记住，理解和掌握了那个词的用法；没听过的表达，不乱说。总之只要是词汇的使用，词性，发音，单复数或语法方面的任何一个地方出现了疑问，一定是查词典（使用网上的词典比较多，而且要多看词的搭配和在句子中的使用方法）。对于听力，其实是一个循序渐进的过程，一开始是要求自己多听自己的听力生词（就是以前听力里听不出的词汇，有可能阅读的时候理解完全没问题），摩耳朵；然后多听自己听力里听不出来的短语结构；接着是加快自己听力时理解一个简单句子的速度，再下来是比较复杂句子的理解速度；后面还有锻练听出来并快速理解一个句群的能力，一个段落的能力等等。久而久之，慢慢地我的写作和口语表达比较地道了，听力也提高了很多。

平时找机会找时间积累就很重要了。毕竟大家都有自己的事业和家庭。有时一味找捷径，反而是适得其反的。‘捷径’是否存在，还要看你的上述几个方面的基本功如何了。因为那才是根本的东西。像茉莉姐的基本功那么好，所以很快能从6分，提高到6.5分，然后很快又到了7分。其实还有很大空间去快速提高呢（因为她只要对写作的要求能有更深刻的认识就可以做到了；而至于其它技巧性的东西，如审题和构思，在上述基本功扎实了以后，其实是水到渠成的事情了，稍加训练即可）。

说了这么多废话，主要是想阐述一个观点：没有扎实的基本功，是不可能通过几篇文章的修改就会有质的提高的，更不提英文听说读写的全面提高了；当然，0.5分的提高还是很有可能的。至于更多，到头来还是看基本功是否扎实了。

欢迎讨论。

[ 本帖最后由 yrqin 于 2-12-2011 10:58 编辑 ]