雅思写作停滞不前了

change2016

各位好，
本人被归类为必须要雅思4个7的那种，无奈写作一直没摸到门路，目前的想法是：不管多慢，先写出7分的文章，之后再慢慢提高写作速度。
不知道这个方法对不对。。。

以下是我写的一篇大作文，题目是：Many people believe that scientific research should be carried out and controlled by the governments rather than private companies. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

请大家帮忙看看，能到7分不？

Scientific research is crucial to the development of a country. Governments have always played an important role in this, but many private companies have stepped into these fields in recent years. In my opinion, governments should carry out and control scientific research rather than private companies.

Governments have a greater ability to undertake the research in terms of resources. They are able to allocate more budget and manpower to scientific research continuously, and because of that, the findings could be more productive and more successful. While failures due to shortage of resources are often seen in private companies. Some of the projects have to continue for more than ten years, very few corporation could invest in such projects but governments. Moreover, governments also have the power to integrate different resources together, which makes the research more likely to succeed, whereas private companies always try to protect their formulas or intellectual properties instead of collaboration.

Governments should also control scientific research because of its function and responsibility. They are the policy makers, and they are also accountable for people’s living standard. They should ban the research that is anti-social or anti-human.

However, private companies could do something in the gaps that governments do not cover. There are many fields which need to be researched in the world, but the governments cannot invest in all of them at the same time. Private companies are more agile to do the research in those areas since the government might sometimes be too bureaucratic or cumbersome to start research projects.

In conclusion, although private companies may contribute to society with their scientific research, I believe that government should carry out and control most of them.

水和阳光

楼主，我只想问。。。听力不看题目能听懂差不多。边看题目边听就糊涂了，咋办啊，明明section1听起来很简单到总会错一两个，sectiin2能听懂9成，不看题目的话，

change2016

水和阳光 发表于 18-4-2016 22:50
楼主，我只想问。。。听力不看题目能听懂差不多。边看题目边听就糊涂了，咋办啊，明明section1听起来很简单 ...

绝对的练得少！多练就行了。

hitperson

老兄的这篇佳作，也就充其量6分水平吧，不能再多了，

语之玫瑰

中规中矩...
没有出彩的语言，也没有出彩的观点...
不一定能7分吧

mmxx

总体不错，如果大部分是原创的话，基础差不多了。不足有几方面：
首先,结构上几个段落显得不够匀称，两个论据头重脚轻；第二个论据非常好，可惜未能展开，例如要是把克隆人的话题带入一下子就能高大上。
其次，论述过程上正面论断犯了过于绝对的大忌，而且没有确凿翔实的论据，比如私有的跨国公司资源可能富可敌国，不见得比国家差；反面的让步太大，没有消除政府官僚主义危害的进一步论断和解决方法，结论就不让人信服；而且把论题偷换：全部改成most,扣题不紧；
最后，驾驭语言的能力没有全面展现，主要三个方面：
1、对同一个事物没能用不同词汇或表达方式描述，尤其是关键词“scientific research” （第二段关键词第一次出现不应该偷懒，要写全称扣紧题目）；
2、过分痴迷长句，没能充分运用长短句把握文章节奏；
3、语法还需精炼，比如第三段的"also"放在"because"前就更为通顺。

个人经验是：先展开不要考虑字数时间限制，然后不断请高手和自己精炼成比标准略长、结构匀称合理的文章。注：我是学术类写作7分。仅供参考，加油！

西澳海豚

很久没看这种亚斯作文，不过这几年专业paper 和报纸看了不少！
这种作文看起来很别扭阿！我不是英文专业，无法指出错误，不过～
建议楼主多看一些当地报纸和杂志，习惯local 用法 --------------
我个人认为，这篇作文大概 6 - 6.5吧？
还有，作文套路太明显，中式英文处处可见，除了需要多写之外，我认为多读来得更重要（不是国内那种考试样板，而是正规国外报章杂志）
我学英文一直都是：1. 不学文法  2. 不背单字 3. 不用中文思考来写英文


例如第一段

Scientific research is crucial to the development of a country. Governments have always played an important role in this, but many private companies have stepped into these fields in recent years. In my opinion, governments should carry out and control scientific research rather than private companies.

我可能会写成

It was undeniable that scientific research play an important role of technology progress in any way. Should only allow the government take part of it or private company can joint adventure as well? From my point of view, it should only funded by government grants and benefit all society.

随手写来，如果错误，请多指教！

西澳海豚

重复删除～

西澳海豚

重复删除～

mmxx

西澳海豚 发表于 8-6-2016 20:30
很久没看这种亚斯作文，不过这几年专业paper 和报纸看了不少！
这种作文看起来很别扭阿！我不是英文专业， ...

在大量中式程式化英文中，这种看起来比较”original“的当然鹤立鸡群。多看多听英文媒体新闻报纸确实是长足进步的好法门。
个人感觉”in any way"置换成"in every single way"好像更舒服。：－）
Should 这一句好像找不到主语啊 It should only be...

Amber想吃喝玩乐

感觉6-6.5分吧

mmxx

还有就是过于主观，比如”政府制定政策，所以对人民生活水平负责“这里比较生硬。
Google了一篇相关文章，注意这里的长短句搭配和对于钱的多次不一样的表达。还有具体、详尽的例子关于对人类有划时代影响的伽利略和达尔文的研究。买阿司匹林的例子又是多么贴近生活，论证让人有无处躲藏无法抗辩的感觉。设想这篇文章在辩论赛中是你的反方，看起来多么不容辩驳啊。
http://undsci.berkeley.edu/article/who_pays

7分远不是最高境界，改掉以上硬伤估计就差不多了，之后精雕细琢不过是锦上贴花了。