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标题: 冲写作7分...发作文求指导求修改求拍砖.. [打印本页]

作者: cccaat 时间: 18-1-2011 02:58
标题: 冲写作7分...发作文求指导求修改求拍砖..
上次就是因为写作害我现在不能申请州担保，准备再考一遍。研究了剑桥里的几篇考官范文，背了一些好词好句，对写作7分还是没什么概念，不知怎样才算合格..
发篇刚练的作文，求指点，求修改，求拍砖..！

As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual wellbeing.

What factors contribute to job satisfaction?
How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
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People spend more than one third of their lifetime at work. For most of them, a job is not just a way to earn a living, but a way to gain fulfillment and self -satisfaction.

What factors are key to gain job satisfaction? In my opinion, there are three major points that leads to it: the satisfying payment, the comfortable working environment and the friendly relationship between colleagues. Payment is essential to an employee because that directly effect the life quality of themselves, and even their families. Most people work so hard for one whole year in the hope of having a huge yearly bonus. Beside payment, it is also a comfy working environment that most employees care about. Nobody wants to work in a noisy, dark or cold place after all. Last but not least, the relationship between colleagues is not an ignorable factor too. A company, or even an office could be seen as a mini society. When everyone around is friendly and easy going, willing to help each other, the job satisfaction of every employee would raise, undoubtedly.
As we all know, the world is no perfection, which means the reality is always not so appealing as we imagine. Some people are struggling to feed their families by working over 10 hours a day with little pay. Some are working hard in the condition lack of water, sunshine or even enough air. Some are involved in office politics and seeing colleagues as enemies.

However, even though it is unlikely that everyone could be happy about their work, there are many ways to improve the job satisfaction of the employees. If the factors identified above implemented, then more workers would enjoy doing their jobs.
(286 words)

[ 本帖最后由 cccaat 于 18-1-2011 03:02 编辑 ]

作者: famous000 时间: 18-1-2011 11:35
第一句话就有逻辑问题，只能说大多数人花1/3的时间工作，或者平均花1/3的时间工作。第二句话里，fulfillment和satisfaction是一样的意思，犯了重复的问题。第三句话，主语是 factors，宾语是key，单复数不一致。
。。。。。后面就看不下去了。

作者: cccaat 时间: 18-1-2011 13:01

原帖由 famous000 于 18-1-2011 11:35 发表

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第一句话就有逻辑问题，只能说大多数人花1/3的时间工作，或者平均花1/3的时间工作。第二句话里，fulfillment和satisfaction是一样的意思，犯了重复的问题。第三句话，主语是 factors，宾语是key，单复数不一致。
。 ...

谢谢指教！！
但是第三句话的key 是形容词，“关键”的意思，不是宾语，所以我觉得这里用key并没有错。

作者: nil 时间: 18-1-2011 13:08
负责的说，肯定没7分。

作者: cccaat 时间: 18-1-2011 13:16

原帖由 nil 于 18-1-2011 13:08 发表

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负责的说，肯定没7分。

谢谢指教！！能不能给点修改意见或者说在哪些方面再加强呢？

作者: Albert 时间: 18-1-2011 13:30
标题: 回复 #5 cccaat 的帖子
本人覺得! 你的語言邏輯是在用英文說中文! 可能比較困難! 請試著用英文思考!

作者: cccaat 时间: 18-1-2011 13:58

原帖由 Albert 于 18-1-2011 13:30 发表

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本人覺得! 你的語言邏輯是在用英文說中文! 可能比較困難! 請試著用英文思考!

谢谢指教！！恩，能不能比如举几个例子，如果用英文思考的话，会是怎么写的，谢谢！

作者: Albert 时间: 18-1-2011 15:34
标题: 回复 #7 cccaat 的帖子
People spend more than one third of their lifetime at work. For most of them, a job is not just a way to earn a living, but a way to gain fulfillment and self -satisfaction.

The purpose of life is more than just getting a job and make a living, since most people spent one thrid of their life on it. I would say, it is part of the life and to maxmise something we call "self satisification".

不好意思! 獻醜! 獻醜!

作者: cccaat 时间: 18-1-2011 16:07

原帖由 Albert 于 18-1-2011 15:34 发表

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People spend more than one third of their lifetime at work. For most of them, a job is not just a way to earn a living, but a way to gain fulfillment and self -satisfaction.

The purpose of life is ...

非常谢谢你 Albert!！！

作者: cccaat 时间: 18-1-2011 16:13
大家有没有什么能在2个月内提高写作的方法呢？我想即使不断的练，每天1篇，可是没有指点和修改的话，进步可能还是不明显。

我暂时想了几个提高的办法，打算试试，1是背几篇考官范文，2是每天阅读一些国外的报纸，学学里面好的议论文的词句。
大家还有什么好建议吗？3月19就要考了...

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