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标题: 再次发大作文，目标是7分，差距还很大，求狠批 [打印本页]

作者: hjx500 时间: 9-12-2010 11:50
标题: 再次发大作文，目标是7分，差距还很大，求狠批
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement “'genetic engineering' is beneficial for human being” , give reasons and example to support your ideas.

In these years, more and more countries are interested and involved in genetic engineering projects, and huge development has been made in this specific area. The potential impact of genetic engineering on human being is a subject of intense debate. In my opinion, the future of genetic engineering is stimulating and fascinating, but also we should not oversee its downside.

Obviously genetic technology can improve our quality of life in many aspects. It is believed that the characters of a life are determined by its gene. Improving the gene of crops is an effective way to address the problem of food scarcity. Furthermore, waste treatment and sewage disposal is becoming unmanageable, and it is possible to get some bacteria which could degrade them with genetic technology. Theoretically, it is even possible to create brand new kind of lives which have special abilities, such as producing oil or gas in order to solve the resource problem we are now facing. And diseases like cancer could also be tackled in the future as the gene of human being could be improved.

On the other hand, genetic technology is a threaten to biodiversity. A vast of creatures may extinct because they are less competitive and adaptable than those creatures whose genes have been artificially changed. And everybody may look similar if they are able to change their gene freely.

According to the above discussions, genetic engineering has a promising future, but it may also lead to the loss of biodiversity.

作者: crystali99 时间: 9-12-2010 12:39
手册上来的，先马克一下回头再来看
都是被作文折磨的难友，一起拼！

作者: jimraynor0 时间: 9-12-2010 12:45
以在下浅薄的眼光，人们对转基因技术的concern主要是食品安全方面和人性方面的问题吧。lz阁下的第三段论点有点……偏离主流思想，有可能不被考官认同。另外第三段展开的也不够，可能是第二段写太长的缘故吧。

最后一段只有一句话，这是需要避免的。我觉得至少应该再加上一句我们应该如何扬长避短之类的废话。另外最后这个According to the above discussions更像是应用文的文体，建议换成更常见于essay的In conclusion啊In summary啊之类的。我知道这些已经用烂了，不过我觉得比这个还是要更合适一点。

另外插一句嘴，这个文章是完全在考试环境下写成的吗？好多词我都不认识……太钦佩lz了……

作者: outdance 时间: 9-12-2010 13:15
不客气的说句，这样的文法措辞肯定没7分写作基本功要加强啊

作者: zz_oo 时间: 9-12-2010 13:36
貌似字数也不够吧

作者: crystal08418 时间: 9-12-2010 14:02
标题: 回复 #4 outdance 的帖子
能不能说一下具体细节是那方面呢，是语法有问题，还是句子结构不符合英语的习惯呢？

作者: wj22 时间: 9-12-2010 14:11
In these years, more and more countries are interested and involved ingenetic engineering projects, and huge development has been made inthis specific area. The potential impact of genetic engineering onhuman being is a subject of intense debate. In my opinion, the futureof genetic engineering is stimulating and fascinating, but also weshould not oversee its downside.

1.扣题了.LZ的开头段是一个扣了题的好例子.

2.In these years --> In recent decades,

3. 所有的be interested--->be interested in

4.第一句可改为因果型句子 xxxxxx are not only interested in but also got involved in xxxxxxx, such that xxxxxx.

5.在第一句后,简单地讲一下基因工程与人类的好坏作用后再讲引起讨论

5.第二句开头可用 As a result 等来承上.

6. human being -->human beings

7. is a subject xxxxx ---> has become an intensely debated subject.

8.在 In my opinion 后加, considering xxxxxxxx. 由于题目问的是基因工程于人类的影响,所以应扣紧这方面来讲, 而不是讲它的发展前途.

Obviously genetic technology can improve our quality of life in manyaspects. It is believed that the characters of a life are determined byits gene. Improving the gene of crops is an effective way to addressthe problem of food scarcity. Furthermore, waste treatment and sewagedisposal is becoming unmanageable, and it is possible to get somebacteria which could degrade them with genetic technology.Theoretically, it is even possible to create brand new kind of liveswhich have special abilities, such as producing oil or gas in order tosolve the resource problem we are now facing. And diseases like cancercould also be tackled in the future as the gene of human being could beimproved.

1. Obviously ---> Obviously,

2. our quality of life---> the quality of our life

3.believed太弱了,而且被人believed的东西也不见的是事实 ---> It has been scientifically  shown

4. the characters 太绝对了 ---> some important characters

5. of a life --> of the human life

6. gene ---> genes

7. Improving the gene --->For instance,  modifying the genes

8.address---> solve, address只是指出问题所在而已.

9.第二,三句语意上不连接. 第二句讲的是基因于人类特征具决定性,第三句讲的是粮食问题.应对第二句做适当的修改,使其能带出第三句.

10. is becoming ---> are becoming more and more

11. 第四句有点臃肿,而且第三句已讲基因改造,那第四句最好以基因工程为主语, 如: Furthermore,  genetic technology can also be applied to create bacteria, which can effectively degrade human waste and sewage. Such application will greatly assist the waste and sewage treament process, which has become more and more unmanagable in many countries, due to the rapid increase of human popluation.

12. brand new kind --> a new type

13. in order to ---> to

14. 不要用And开头

15.不需要罗列太多的例子.其实第四句后就应该以已举的例子来讲明基因工程于人类生活的好的作用, 突出其优点.过多的罗列不仅重点模糊了而且也开始有堆砌的感觉了.

On the other hand, genetic technology is a threaten to biodiversity. Avast of creatures may extinct because they are less competitive andadaptable than those creatures whose genes have been artificiallychanged. And everybody may look similar if they are able to changetheir gene freely.

1.这段太短了.既然要两方面讨论,那就要双方面旗鼓相当才行.不然让人觉得论证力度不够,作者的笔墨到底了, 有虎头蛇尾之嫌.

2. threaten --> threat

3. vast 后加 amount

4. creature 一般只指动物 ---> lifes

5.because  xxxxxx--> due to lower competitiveness and adaptability than

6. those creatures --> those

7. changed --> modified

8. 最后一句没什么力度.

9.缺基因工程缺点的总结

According to the above discussions, genetic engineering has a promisingfuture, but it may also lead to the loss of biodiversity

1.一般结尾应先呼应开头段,再来总结论证,从而得出结论.

2.discussions --> discussion

3. 应就基因工程于人类的影响来结尾,不是它的发展.
.

作者: vrwar 时间: 9-12-2010 14:12
这几天也在研究作文，分享几点。
不熟悉的词注意用词准确
比如 character是性格，形容life特征应该用characteristic

waste treatment and sewage disposal is becoming unmanageable 这句有逻辑错误，可以换成waste treatment and sewage disposal are becoming incredible challenges

感觉LZ句式比较单一，有几句可以变换一下
Furthermore, waste treatment and sewage disposal is becoming unmanageable, and it is possible to get some bacteria which could degrade them with genetic technology.
换成
Furthermore, while waste treatment and sewage disposal becoming incredible challenges, combatting these difficulties with genetic technology would be a possiblity. For instance, ...
后面还有一个it is even possible to... ，句型重复了。

有些句子少做些调整给人的感觉就明显不同，
比如
On the other hand, genetic technology is a threaten to biodiversity.
换成
Genetic technology, on the other hand, is a threaten to biodiversity.

According to the above discussions,...
换成
Given the discussions above, ...

就这些，望对LZ有所帮助，共同努力~

作者: sevennior 时间: 9-12-2010 14:34

原帖由 wj22 于 9-12-2010 14:11 发表

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In these years, more and more countries are interested and involved ingenetic engineering projects, and huge development has been made inthis specific area. The potential impact of genetic engineering ...

WJ22 每次都认真批改作业啊，看来是个很负责任的高手。

学习，学习，再学习

作者: crystali99 时间: 9-12-2010 14:52
wj22是高人！每次看你的点评都大有收获。呵呵，楼主，我来你地盘偷师了哈

原帖由 wj22 于 9-12-2010 14:11 发表

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In these years, more and more countries are interested and involved ingenetic engineering projects, and huge development has been made inthis specific area. The potential impact of genetic engineering ...

作者: crystali99 时间: 9-12-2010 14:52
同感！非常感谢wj22！

原帖由 sevennior 于 9-12-2010 14:34 发表

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WJ22 每次都认真批改作业啊，看来是个很负责任的高手。

学习，学习，再学习

作者: x24 时间: 9-12-2010 15:39
wj22是个好tz，进来学习一下～

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