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标题: 求写作批改，老天保佑好心人~~~~~ [打印本页]

作者: susu09050161 时间: 8-10-2010 15:02
标题: 求写作批改，老天保佑好心人~~~~~
跪求雅思写作高手进来修改作文。。。感激不尽

已经两次雅思了，每次都是作文差0.5，
我都想放弃了。真的很吐血。我也不知道哪里出了问题
真的希望高手，大仙帮我批改下，感激不尽！！！！！！

Subject: When a country develops its technology; the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try to and keep them alive.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In the recent time, with the development of technology in some countries, whether the traditional techniques and lifestyles should be maintained as well has sparked debated. While some argue that it is unnecessary to keep them alive now, it is my personal belief that they should in fact be preserved. The principal reasons for this as follows.

First of all, the traditional skills and life are the symbol of the culture, which clarify the difference among the other counties. Take China Mid-Autumn festive as a good example, which is a day for family to get together and express their missing to the other family member. This is a custom in China which has been maintained for more than thousands of years. To the hold the culture unique, it is, therefore, necessary to keep it in the future. Equally importantly, traditional techniques and life styles could provide more employments. With the development of global trade in these years, an increasing number of requirements to export the traditional products to oversee countries have rapidly grown. Consequently, many traditional industries would greatly benefit from it, then, more and more job opportunities would be supplied to the individuals who are good at traditional skills.

Admittedly, high technology will improve our live standard and enable to make our life effective and efficient. In the meantime, traditional skills and life activities can also be benefited from it. In other words, we can find out some methods to keep the balance between them.

By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that the traditional techniques and life styles should be protected because of their impact not only on us in these days, but also on our offspring in the future.

作者: berryjuice 时间: 8-10-2010 16:22
不会改，不过觉得你的用词简单了点，没有把你掌握的那些漂亮的词汇秀出来。
以前上雅思培训班，记得作文老师说，通篇得有几个词（3-4个）是比较难的，一般人不会用但是用在这里又很贴切的，这样有助于提高分数。
不知道说的对不对，希望对你有所帮助吧。

作者: susu09050161 时间: 8-10-2010 16:24
谢谢你啊，你是好人~~~老天保佑你早点成功

作者: finalfantasy 时间: 8-10-2010 22:18
感觉结构段落结构需要调整一下，还有就是段内逻辑结构不是特别清晰。有一本书叫8分万能模板，多看满分范文，看它的结构和用词，这样子应该会有大幅度提高。

[ 本帖最后由 finalfantasy 于 8-10-2010 19:28 编辑 ]

作者: 男咕噜 时间: 8-10-2010 22:22
总觉得不顺口

作者: nil 时间: 8-10-2010 23:55

In the recent time, with the development of technology in some countries, whether the traditional techniques and lifestyles should be maintained as well has sparked debated. While some argue that it is unnecessary to keep them alive now, it is my personal belief that they should in fact be preserved. The principal reasons for this as follows.

我向来只看第一段。第一段看不下去，下面就不看了。你就属于这种。

In the recent time---recently?凑字数也不是这么凑的，第一个词就让人看得别扭万分。

In the recent time, with the development of technology in some countries, whether the traditional techniques and lifestyles should be maintained as well has sparked debated.

给你分析一下

In the recent time状语1, with the development of technology in some countries状语2, whether the traditional techniques and lifestyles should be maintained as well has sparked主语 debated谓语.

你觉得这个句子怎么样？
我觉得是差差差级别的。为什么：大大大大头，小身体，没手没脚。假如这个句子是个人，就是个戴了2顶巨大草帽的大大大头侏儒——你觉得正常么？（没有鄙视侏儒的意思，只是从达芬奇对人体黄金分割比例的美学角度来谈）

英语是语法语言，讲究的是结构平衡——这是为什么英语有形式主语和形式宾语和宾语后置诸如此类的语法结构。

你的这个句子非常难看。（difficult to comprehend)

While some argue that it is unnecessary to keep them alive now, it is my personal belief that they should in fact be preserved.

几个方面：
1while起对比没错，但是some和others对比，你能代表others么？这个对比没感觉啥逻辑性。
2观点要firm，加了personal让人感觉底气不足，下面要说啥都很牵强。
3should典型的中文。建议你重新复习情态动词用法，有条件找英文原版的语法书看。忘记中文：我们要，我们必须，我们一定要，诸如此类。argumentative的文章不是喊口号。
4in fact，强调的时候，能放在这个位置。但是。。。你的句子读起来还是很别扭。。。

The principal reasons for this as follows.

这个很公式化。。。

点评：你的开头很CCTV新闻联播感觉——基本上我是看到邢质斌就马上换台。如果你想多0.5，还有很大努力的空间。。。

作者: shaly 时间: 9-10-2010 01:52
By way of conclusion
我感觉应该是in conclusion or to conclude吧
文章段落分配不均，一段很长，一段很短
没必要谈到文化，有点偏题。。虽然只是举例子，但是不是太恰当，而且占了大半段

作文分数低，语言是一方面，其他的就看你分析的对不对了。

作者: susu09050161 时间: 9-10-2010 12:01
谢谢你们的批评，我还要继续努力

作者: nizi 时间: 9-10-2010 12:59
楼主很有恒心，值得我学习

作者: 老林 时间: 10-10-2010 21:06
佩服楼主！

把自己的东西拿出来给高手们批改是要有很大勇气的！

继续努力，希望下次考试通过！

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