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标题: 2月1日雅思习作一篇，恳请批改建议：－） [打印本页]

作者: letwind 时间: 2-2-2014 00:29
标题: 2月1日雅思习作一篇，恳请批改建议：－）
本帖最后由 letwind 于 2-2-2014 00:38 编辑

Question:

Air transportation is increasingly being used to export many types of fruits and vegetables where those plants can’t be grown or out of season. Some say it is a good idea, but others consider such use of air transport can’t be justified. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

It’s a topic subject to debate as to whether air transportation should serve the purpose of exporting fruits and vegetables. Some argue that it is advisable while others are against it.

Those who dismiss such use of air transportation have based their arguments on the following grounds. For one thing, the potential health problems associated with the fruits and vegetables transported by air attract their attention. The quality of fruits and vegetables is largely dependent on the freshness of the plants, and they fear that after the long-distance travel, the fruits and vegetables being exported may have become inferior in quality, which is likely to cause potential health problems to the people of the importing country. For another, it is also their concern that air transportation should not be misused. Fruits and vegetables are not life-supporting essential products and they consider it to be appropriate for those more important goods such as medical equipment to be exported by air.

On the other hand, the supporters of shipping fruits and vegetables by air look at the economic and relationship aspects of the trade. First of all, it contributes to the growth of international trade and benefits both the exporting and importing country. The country which exports the products will be able to make money out of the trade, grow its GDP and eventually return the proceeds to improve the life of its people. In terms of the importing country, it will therefore be able to satisfy the people’s requirements for those exotic fruits or vegetables which are either not home grown or out of season. This, to some extent, also helps to improve the living standards of the people and promote the prosperity of the market. Secondly, it also benefits the bilateral relationship between the two countries involved in this international trade. The fruits or vegetables are often regarded as “friendly ambassadors” from the exporting country to the importing country, especially when they are being exported frequently and in large quantities, and have achieved a certain level of popularity in the importing country.

In my view, under the context of globalization, the air transportation should serve diversified purposes, including exporting fruits and vegetables, to further promote the growth the global economy and enhance bilateral relations among countries.

作者: 门外汉1982 时间: 2-2-2014 00:50
建议楼主去www.essayforum.com，这里的人大部分已经很难对你的句子修改了，而且确实也没有什么语法错误。
which is likely to cause potential health ，貌似是which are

我只想说，第二段两个反对的意见，太牵强了。你翻译成中文给别人看看。

作者: Eruisituisi 时间: 2-2-2014 01:02
沙发～
我记得楼主，英文很强。

我复习的时候曾经找过一个老师，我从他的角度提点建议。

task response方面，两边的view都讨论了，自己的观点也给了，不会扣分。但是如果我的那位老师改，他应该会觉得立场不明确。假如没有首尾两段，单从主体段是看不出你支持谁的。这样你给出最后的自己的观点时就没有说服力。保险起见，首段表明立场，主体段重点写你支持的观点，写一个让步段，提出一些支持另一方的观点的论据，但是要说明这些论据不够有代表性，或者不如你支持的观点的论据那么重要（反正就是要有立场）。再保证论据不跑题，你的task response就有8分了。

至于用词和语法，你绝对是7分以上。

还有一项评分是coherence and cohesion。我从鬼佬论坛里看到的，不要刻意用连接词，否则扣分。可以借鉴一下。

写好多，我是不是可以去写个经验帖了哈哈！

作者: letwind 时间: 2-2-2014 01:04
谢谢门外汉，应该是which are. 我发现那个网站很有用。
我也觉得那两个反对意见有些牵强，但时间所迫很难想到更好的理由。。

作者: letwind 时间: 2-2-2014 01:24

Eruisituisi 发表于 2-2-2014 01:02

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沙发～
我记得楼主，英文很强。

谢谢回复。我也觉得这种题型有些难度，看simon的网站上说两种观点都谈时也要在第一段谈自己的观点，但是我今天看新东方的网站又说一定不能一开始take sides,真的让人犯难了。我写这篇习作暂时用了新东方讲的办法。

作者: Eruisituisi 时间: 2-2-2014 01:27

letwind 发表于 2-2-2014 01:24

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谢谢回复。我也觉得这种题型有些难度，看simon的网站上说两种观点都谈时也要在第一段谈自己的观点，但是我 ...

自圆其说比较重要。放轻松，我赌你很快就过。

作者: 门外汉1982 时间: 2-2-2014 02:26
我赌你的复议过，大过年的还准备雅思，马上就7炸了。

作者: wisezmz 时间: 2-2-2014 04:02
这次结构对了，C&C、词汇、语法都没啥问题，但TR明显较弱，我只会给你的TR 6分：

they fear that after the long-distance travel, the fruits and vegetables being exported may have become inferior in quality 这个明显违背常识，现在我们在超市一样能买到进口水果，他们变质了吗？味道好着呢！运输时都是雪藏着的，而且空运的话从东半球飞西半球最多也就十几个小时，就算常温下也不会变质啊。

The fruits or vegetables are often regarded as “friendly ambassadors” from the exporting country to the importing country 为什么是friendly ambassadors? 这个说法有点牵强，缺乏进一步的解释。要知道paraphasing也是雅思写作及口语的重要得分点。

最后一段少了一句一锤定音的句子，总有点意犹未尽的感觉，遗憾。

另外，3楼的说法有失偏颇。这个题目是argument-led的类型，本来就不需要在首段摆出自己的观点，你的谋篇布局绝对没问题。“不要刻意用连接词”的说法也不够准确。连接词的作用在于承上启下，不存在是否“刻意”一说，只有用得正确与否的问题。

作者: letwind 时间: 2-2-2014 21:42
谢谢门外汉和erusituisi的鼓励，我觉得4个七需要实力和运气的统一，我现在也不敢妄言自己什么时候能过，但总觉得要尽自己最大的努力来实现这个目标。论坛上有句话说的好：你不认真对待雅思，雅思也不认真对待你，对这个可以改变自己家人和自己命运的考试，没有什么理由不认真准备。

Wisezmz, 谢谢你的点评，我也觉得论点写的不够好，打算每天找10几篇雅思真题来做思维训练，锻炼自己发散性思维的能力，看在这方面能否有所进步。

作者: 门外汉1982 时间: 3-2-2014 00:13
yes,对每个话题画思维导图，会有帮助的。

作者: halleybachelor 时间: 4-2-2014 00:47
感觉这文章得7分是刚刚的。

对bilateral relations among countries有点小疑义，还是bilateral relations between countries？

另外谢谢门外汉又介绍一个好网站

作者: letwind 时间: 4-2-2014 00:52
Hi Halley, 我写的时候没怎么想，因为天天看BBC，里面经常讲bilateral relations among countries, 我想大概算一个习惯用法吧 :-)

另外，那个网站真的很有用，我收到很多很好的建议；当然这里的建议对我的帮助也很大

作者: wisezmz 时间: 4-2-2014 21:04

halleybachelor 发表于 4-2-2014 00:47

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感觉这文章得7分是刚刚的。

对bilateral relations among countries有点小疑义，还是bilateral relation ...

bwtween只能用于两者之间，among用于三者或更多之间

作者: halleybachelor 时间: 5-2-2014 21:49

wisezmz 发表于 4-2-2014 21:04
bwtween只能用于两者之间，among用于三者或更多之间

好吧，看看韦氏的注解吧。
usage There is a persistent but unfounded notion that between can be used only of two items and that among must be used for more than two. Between has been used of more than two since Old English; it is especially appropriate to denote a one-to-one relationship, regardless of the number of items. It can be used when the number is unspecified <economic cooperation between nations>, when more than two are enumerated <between you and me and the lamppost> <partitioned between Austria, Prussia, and Russia ― Nathaniel Benchley>, and even when only one item is mentioned (but repetition is implied) <pausing between every sentence to rap the floor ― George Eliot>. Among is more appropriate where the emphasis is on distribution rather than individual relationships <discontent among the peasants>. When among is automatically chosen for more than two, English idiom may be strained <a worthy book that nevertheless falls among many stools ― John Simon> <the author alternates among mod slang, clichés and quotes from literary giants ― A. H. Johnston>.

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