5 Easy Steps to a Rubbish Resume
5 Easy Steps to a Rubbish Resume
There are a million and one articles out there that will tell you how to write a great resume, but precious few that will tell you how to write a truly appalling one. You know the type I’m talking about; the resume that will get passed around the recruiter’s office to fits of laughter and glee and even pinned to the wall to join the other sad hopefuls who’ve managed to score nothing more than a giggle.
So, if you’re looking to put a bit of sunshine in your recruiter’s day, here are five sure-fire ways in which to write a world-class stinker of a resume.
1. Lots of Responsibilities, No Information
The first skill you’ll have to acquire in order to scale the junk heap of cruddy resumes is the responsibilities section. Take a look at yours now. Does it look like a long list? Well kids, let me tell you – it ain’t long enough! Double, nay, triple that sucker. There is nothing that a recruiter hates more than reading through a long list of boring repetitive detail that is identical to everyone else’s responsibilities.
Actually I lie. The recruiter won’t be reading that list, because her eyes will glaze over and your resume will be in the bin. Success! Job avoided! If your list of responsibilities is concise and to the point then you may be in grave danger of scoring an interview, and no one wants that, right?
2. Avoid telling stories
The biggest danger you’ll face if you want to create a rubbish resume is the achievement story. Achievement stories are the way that elitist stuck-up people try to prove that they are the best people for the job. Imagine the cheek! These brazen folk milk the fact that employers actually like people who do more than what the job requires, which is frankly sickening. So instead of making their resumes the bland pap that comes from decent job seekers, they feel no shame in describing exactly how they showed initiative, gumption, a sense of leadership and problem solving ability. As if these things were reasons to be proud. And while I can feel the bile rising as I type this, some even boast of service to the customer. I assure you, these people actually exist.
3. Gild the Lily
So what if you didn’t actually implement that ERP system all by yourself? Or save the company $1.1 Million dollars? Or even redesign the process of the entire accounting department while organising the staff community fund and completing an MBA, whilst only working three days a week AND attending Latin dance classes of an evening? Recruiters expect a certain degree of factual laxity in your resume; It show a certain creativity that is sadly lacking in the most dry and literal and (ahem) “ethical” of workers. And after all, it’s not like you’re going to get found out is it? Those who don’t tell porkies in their resumes are usually hiding something else.
Ethics and integrity? Define your terms before we argue please! Ola!
4. Boring is Blessed
Your goal really needs to be making the recruiter’s eyes roll into the back of his head. Tests have shown that a truly world-beating wreck of a resume is one that can literally stun the consciousness out of the most hardened HR professionals within 2.5 seconds of them laying eyes on the page. To do that my friends, you’re going to need a template. That’s right; crawl through that turbid cesspit of invaluable data that is the Interweb and download the very first template you find. Chances are that 130,000 of your closest friends and confidants will have downloaded the exact same one! Talk about synchronicity! If you ever want to avoid the mistake of being seen as an individual, then please, I beg of you, don’t try and design one for yourself. It just shows initiative and quite frankly reeks of self-respect.
For extra credit, try putting a nice thick black border around that sucker. Anything that comes standard with MS Word should do the trick and have the employer’s dribble flowing quite nicely.
5. Avoid Form or Function
By now, this should be a no-brainer. Don’t whatever you do, make the information about your career, skills and capabilities, or education easy to find; that’s not your job and quite frankly those smug bugger recruiters get paid enough to do some of the work. My advice in this regard is to jumble it all up. Present your education first -especially if you’ve been working for 30 years. Start with your primary school and include the grades you achieved. As well as the ribbon you got for coming first in music. Your mum was so proud! Next, slot in a statement about what you want to achieve in your career, make reference to taking the chairmans’ slot in 5 years time. End off with a list of responsibilities that fills the page and make sure that the document is at least 8 pages. Of 6 point type.
For advanced rubbish resume writers, change the font throughout and sometimes USE ALL CAPS. Seriously. Recruiters LOVE that.
Conclusion
I’m not sure if this article is actually needed or not, as I see plenty of resume writers who manage to do quite well without my steadfast advice, however if you are ever in danger of writing something that will cut through the morass of muck that seems to puddle around the bilge-outlets of the good ship HMS Employment, then please please please refer back to my notes. Don’t become a statistic.
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Footnote in tiny letters: aforementioned article should be taken as “satire”. No responsibility taken for writing a resume based on this advice unless one has a particular fondness of the stale air, sticky carpets and weak tea found in employment offices, in which case, knock yourself out and have a biscuit on me. If this part is news to you then a bad resume is the least of your worries. OK Mr. Lawyer? satisfied now?
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