作文冲7-－请高人帮忙看看作文，给出点评

anran111

In some countries, children start school at the age of seven, so they could  have more time to build relationship with their parents. In other countries, children start school when they are 4 years old. Do the advantage outweigh its disadvantage?



Children's education is of ultimate importance for many families in the world. Now a controversial issue under debate is whether children should attend school at an early age, such as four years old, or should they accept formal education at a more matured age.

It seems rather convincing that, for those who are being raised in poorer families, going to school earlier would be a better choice. It goes without saying that, high percentage of the children who live in rural area could not have sufficient childcare at home, since their parents are normally lack of well education background. In some cases, those children have to live with their grandparents due to the fact that their parents take long term jobs away from home. In those circumstances, school would be an ideal place for those young children to enjoy enhanced study environment constituted with bright library, well trained teachers and all sorts of education facilities, not to mention the opportunities to practice their social communication skills with their counterparts.

Nonetheless, some people may argue that education can benefit the young provided that their intelligence and emotion are developed to some extend. Those people conceive that, if children go to school too early, it may deprive their spare time as well as lay too much burden on their slim shoulder. Moreover, they may not be able to spend enough time with their parents to build up the family bond., which is essential for one's mental development in the long term.

From my perspective, the decision on when should the children attend school should be based on practical factors, including financial situation, personal maturity, preference of children themselves, and so on. Since children may not be able to tell their thoughts, it is the parents' responsibility to analyze the above issues then come up with the final choice. Also, governments have to offer guidelines regarding the time for children to go to school so as to help parents to make a better option.

cooltree

同学首先你肯定有七分水平，唯一缺点就是过度词太多，不精练。例如第二段第二句话 it goes... 完全可以省略。直接进入论证部分。还有第二段 我认为列子举的不好，就是说贫困人家上学早按你的角度说相当于逼着没有办法去上学，这个对孩子影响不是考官想要的，不知道我解释清楚了么。

depedro

个人感觉两个主体段的中心句都有点怪。第二段写的是“如果家里穷，早上学好”，而题目问的是“早上学好处多还是坏处多”。所以这段是不是应该是“如果早上学，可能可以更早让孩子接触良好的教育环境，特别是那些穷孩子”。

第三段中心句写的是“如果孩子心智成熟，那么早上学有好处”，跟这段后面两句和文章题目都没啥关系吧。直接改成“早上学也可能对孩子造成不好的影响”会不会好点，因为后面两句列了两个坏处。

总结段貌似没有回答题目的问题（早上学好处多还是坏处多），而是说了一些跟题目没关系的（要根据什么条件来确定上学年龄），而且越说越远了。

it seems rather convincing that, it goes without saying that, some people may argue that, those people conceive that, 这种句子用多了感觉有点模板句的嫌疑。

还有些小语法错误吧。比如第二段第二句percentage, area, background应该都是可数，lz都没加冠词或者用复数。

yangtze_yankee

跟二楼有一样的感觉。我经验不多，不过觉得追求多样性、一定的复杂度是好的，但是在还没有熟练驾驭的时候，用这么多长句、复杂词汇会不会让考官觉得不自然呢，也很容易用错。我挑几个小刺不要见怪：
lack 一般是名词或者动词
their intelligence and emotion are developed to some extend - "are developed" 可以直接用 develop 替代。另外 extend 是动词，可以用 degree？
personal maturity - personality maturity?
make a better option - make a better decision? option 是别人给的，是用来 choose 的

asxdcfv

我怎么觉得优点和缺点没有说到多少啊？还是我习惯看第一，第二，第三的结构了？？

Kindler

提个醒：看看下面两句有没有错误：
》》》Now a controversial issue under debate is whether children should attend school at an early age, such as four years old, or should they accept formal education at a more matured age.

》》》From my perspective, the decision on when should the children attend school should be based on practical factors。

Jerrychenhao

感觉写的不错，比我水平高。

anran111

感谢各位的提点  很有道理 我继续修炼 之后也请大家多指教

crapzz

Kindler 发表于 21-2-2014 01:13

                               
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提个醒：看看下面两句有没有错误：
》》》Now a controversial issue under debate is whether children s ...

个人觉得有错误

apple-zhu

我觉得任何读起来感觉不顺的，保险起见都不要用。
另外，第一段没交代你的观点，貌似这个是大忌，我看那个什么雅思教父的书是这么写的。