G类大作文求批－－－－欢迎拍砖

Kindler

12/14/13 话题：

Nowadays fashion is becoming more and more important to young people. Some people think this has negative impact on young people and on society.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


12/29:下面贴上完整的文章，希望路过的各位扔砖。。
12/30: 把大家拍砖的地方地方加了下划线，提醒自己以后不再犯同样的错误。非常感谢各位拍砖。
12/31: 重新改了下文章的结构，发在了17楼，欢迎各位继续给砖。

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Nowadays young people are becoming increasingly fashionable. To a certain extent I agree that following fashion may exert an adverse impact on both young people and society; however, I believe that this trend is beneficial.

Following fashion blindly is harmful for young people as well as society. Obsessed with fashion, young people may become irrational, and they therefore tend to squander money on what they like rather than what they need, leading to a waste of money and time. To keep pace with constantly changing fashion, people are likely to keep purchasing new items and discarding old ones, which paves the way to a disposable culture that is detrimental to the society. However, the benefits from the fashion should not be ignored.

Firstly, being fashionable not only enriches young people’s lives but also boosts their confidence, a very important ingredient to a successful life in the highly competitive society, because it provides the youth with opportunities to express individuality freely and to attract others' attention. Without it, young people may find their lives dull and less interesting, which may impede their creativity. Only when people do not feel restricted, is it possible for creativity and innovation that promotes the development of the society.

Furthermore, the growing fashion industry plays a vital role to promote the social progress economically and technically. From an economic perspective, the fashion sector provides more job opportunities, and it is a driver of economic growth as people are willing to buy stylish closes, cosmetics and other fashion products. The fashion industry is also encouraged to improve technology to cater for the needs of customers.

For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that students are more likely to be a good thing for both young people and society.

(293 words, December 29, 2013）

samchen

第2句问话没有问题。
你写得太少了没有办法评价。

Kindler

samchen 发表于 29-12-2013 12:01

                               
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第2句问话没有问题。
你写得太少了没有办法评价。

谢谢回复。

才刚开始写开头段呢。话说写一篇出来咋就这么难呢。。。。

稍后写完了，贴出来再来给砖吧。

wisezmz

你这个开头意味着主体段必须写三段，第一、二段论述beneficial的理由，第三段论述不良影响。当然也可以把前面两个主体段合并为一段，但这样会导致文章结构不平衡，不建议这样做。

Kindler

wisezmz 发表于 29-12-2013 13:49

                               
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你这个开头意味着主体段必须写三段，第一、二段论述beneficial的理由，第三段论述不良影响。当然也可以把前 ...

谢谢回复。
正准备写三段呢，憋不出来，急人啊，水平太菜。

Kindler

自己在准备的时候，总觉得观点太多，虽然思维导图了一把，真写起来的时候还是觉得乱。
到考场上的时候又发现没观点了，忘各位指教。
谢谢。

wisezmz

dull and less interesting  应为 dull or less interesting ，因为dull就是 less interesting 的意思。

fashion 对提升经济是 vital role ？这个说法有点太夸张了。

本来前面都写得不错，个人评价能上7分。但最后一句却是全文败笔：“ it seems to me that students are more likely to be a good thing for both young people and society.”  题目谈的是fashion，和 student 有啥关系？因为这个败笔，这篇文章只能给6-6.5。

zhiweiyouwo

估计是笔误....还有closes=clothes

SusanChen

我的建议是，第二段那里最后一句最好放在第三段首句。虽然我见到很多文章是这么设置的，但是我个人实在体会不到这样的好处，貌似好像可以承上启下，然而给我的感觉更多是怎么读着读着，来了个180度的转弯。（也许我的水平有限，还没有体会到这样的好处....)

其他遣词造句我看不出有太多的问题，除开最后一句怎么莫名其妙跟students联系起来外。

qiuxan

1，society 前面该加个the；
2，technology改用负数；
lz语法表现很棒～我也觉得这篇有7分，student 应该是打错了

Kindler

wisezmz 发表于 30-12-2013 12:35

                               
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dull and less interesting  应为 dull or less interesting ，因为dull就是 less interesting 的意思。

...

》dull and less interesting  
这个我写的时候还查了字典来着，dull:  lacking interest or excitement. 后来还是都写上去了，多凑点字数，因为以前老是写不够字数。
Disp：还是直接改为dull好了。

》fashion 对提升经济是 vital role ？这个说法有点太夸张了。
说实话这些词的表示重要的差别还真美详细研究过，
vital: absolutely necessary or important; essential: 必不可少，至关重要
essential: absolutely necessary; extremely important: 必不可少，极其重要
sufficiently great or important to be worthy of attention; noteworthy: 足够重要，值得注意
important: of great significance or value; likely to have a profound effect on success, survival, or well-being:

Disp：vital，确实有过于夸大了，还是用significant 更贴切。


》it seems to me that students are more likely to be a good thing for both young people and society.
昨天节尾段该来该去，后来拷贝了一个句子过来，结果就。。。自己又读了一遍，居然都没检查出来。下次一定多检查几遍再发上来。
Disp：it seems to me that fashion is more likely to be a good thing for both young people and society.

再次感谢格斗士，希望你早点过4x7，然后分享经验给我等。谢谢。

Kindler

zhiweiyouwo 发表于 30-12-2013 16:46

                               
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估计是笔误....还有closes=clothes

谢谢指正。看来自己还是要多加注意这些无谓的小错误。

Kindler

SusanChen 发表于 30-12-2013 20:29

                               
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我的建议是，第二段那里最后一句最好放在第三段首句。虽然我见到很多文章是这么设置的，但是我个人实在 ...

这个应该属于LS － Linking Sentence,  可以在句尾或句首。

我也在想是不是这样的structure更好？？？？，希望大家给点意见

P2：benefit 1，时尚丰富年轻人的生活让他们更自信。

P3: benefit 2, 时尚产业促进经济发展和科技进步。

P4: However, the drawbacks cannot be ignored. 盲目追求时尚使年轻人变得不理性，造成浪费。

Kindler

qiuxan 发表于 30-12-2013 21:42

                               
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1，society 前面该加个the；
2，technology改用负数；
lz语法表现很棒～我也觉得这篇有7分，student 应该 ...

》1，society 前面该加个the；
这个我也拿不准，我看题目里居然没有写the。我网上查了下，不过好多都是混着用的，不加the的话更general一些，加the的话更具体一些。

经典大马克土温的句子：
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." - Mark Twain

Disp：我还是都改成一致的，不加the，或加the好了。

2. technology改用负数；
Disp: 谢谢，改用technologies。

谢谢评分，7分可是我努力的目标啊，注大家都早日屠鸭成功。

Kindler

又读了一遍，发现自己还犯了一个低级的错误：
》the growing fashion industry plays a vital role to promote the social progress economically and technically.

play a role in sth

所以应该改为:
the growing fashion industry plays a significant role in promoting the social progress economically and technically.

wisezmz

Kindler 发表于 30-12-2013 23:12

                               
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这个应该属于LS － Linking Sentence,  可以在句尾或句首。

我也在想是不是这样的structure更好？？ ...

一般人都会把自己不支持的那个观点放在第四段，刘洪波的书也是提倡这样的结构。可以说这样做最安全。

Kindler

wisezmz 发表于 31-12-2013 02:25

                               
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一般人都会把自己不支持的那个观点放在第四段，刘洪波的书也是提倡这样的结构。可以说这样做最安全。

接受格斗士建议，重新改了下structue：

Nowadays young people are becoming increasingly fashionable. To a certain extent I agree that following fashion may exert an adverse impact on both young people and society; however, I believe that this trend is beneficial.

Firstly, being fashionable not only enriches young people’s lives but also boosts their confidence, a very important ingredient to a successful life in the highly competitive society, because it provides the youth with opportunities to express individuality freely and to attract others' attention. Without it, young people may find their lives dull, which may impede their creativity. Only when people do not feel restricted, is it possible for creativity and innovation that promotes the development of the society.

Furthermore, the growing fashion industry plays a significant role to promote the social progress economically and technically. From an economic perspective, the fashion sector provides more job opportunities, and it is a driver of economic growth as people are willing to buy stylish clothes, cosmetics and other fashion products. The fashion industry is also encouraged to improve technologies to cater to the needs of customers.

Following fashion blindly, however, is harmful for young people as well as the society. Obsessed with fashion, young people may become irrational, and they therefore tend to squander money on what they like rather than what they need, leading to a waste of money and time. To keep pace with constantly changing fashion, people are likely to keep purchasing new items and discarding old ones, which paves the way to a disposable culture that is detrimental to the society.

For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that fashion is more likely to be a good thing for both young people and the society.

(283 words, December 31, 2013, Kindler)