大作文求批改和意见

daiyi2002

主要参考simon和step by setp，求各位指正。


News editors decide what to broadcast on television and what to print in newspapers. What factors do you think influence these decisions? Do we become used to bad news, and would it be better if more good news was reported?

It is true that the type of news on television and newspapers are mainly decided by editors. There are several factors which will impact their decisions. While bad news is almost becoming part of people’s daily lives, I believe that it is beneficial to increase the amount of good news on media.

Three main factors are considered by editors when they choose what kind of news. Firstly, world-wide events which are closely relevant to public are likely to appear on the header line of programs, with many people having a huge interest in big news happened around the world. Olympic Games reports, for example, will often be on various media when it is held. Secondly, news about celebrities will be taken into account even though sometimes it could be routine activities such as birthday, marriage. Finally, they are in favor of reporting certain topics like crime that can draw people’s attention to increase their audience, which certainly will bring more money to the organization in return.

In my view, more good news should be broadcast through media, though many people are getting used to bad news to some extent. Bad news, such as crimes and accidents, are the most popular topics for most television programs and newspapers. This might lead to fear among the public. Good news, by contrast, brings the positive energy to the whole society as well as giving hope to each individual. It therefore would be a better situation if more good news can be reported and keep an acceptable balance.

In conclusion, news editors can be influenced by various reasons when choosing materials. And life would be much better if more good news was reported on television and newspapers.

(283 words)

qiuxan

什么东西会被报道 和 什么因素会影响编辑决定报道什么 还是有一定的区别吧？
总觉得该是来自政府的压力，或者民众的喜好 之类的东西～

qiuxan

然后more good news should be broadcast through media, though many people are getting used to bad news to some extent.   
作为读者就会想知道为什么，结果你又说这个：
Bad news, such as crimes and accidents, are the most popular topics for most television programs and newspapers.
你不觉得和many people are getting used to bad news to some extent.要说的东西重复很多么？
看到Good news, by contrast, brings the positive energy to the whole society as well as giving hope to each individual.
我不禁又问了一句：“为什么呢？”或者“体现在哪呢？”



最后一句life改成 the life 或者lives，

还有如果是我的话 And我会改成 ,and。当然我不能说你是错的，但是你可以去查查以下的描述是否属实或者基本属实：

FAN BOYS 90%的情况下是不能新取一句的，10％可以新取一句的情况 一半是因为口语，还有5%的书面语是这种情况：“’长篇大论洋洋洒洒好几十字上百字.‘ And ’又一个长篇大论洋洋洒洒好几十字上百字.‘ ”。 FANBOYS 是什么 请自行百度fanboys english rule。

门外汉1982

我也是在努力中，感觉有点偏题了。应该把终点放在 ，电视和报纸的区别吧。看完整篇文章，你应该是当一个整体来说。不知道我这个审题对不对。

另外就是观点太多，但都没有阐述开，这个话就很难得到高分。至少一个观点后面跟2句话解释一下吧。

另外在文章结构上，如果一个段落里面论点跨度比较大，可以分开了。firstly ,secondly ，两个论点分2段，比较容易让考官懂。

门外汉1982

再提一个复杂句的建议。
Bad news, such as crimes and accidents, are the most popular topics for most television programs and newspapers. This might lead to fear among the public。 后面第2个句子太简单了，可以合并，还有bad news，后面跟一个such as容易被理解成凑字数。

Bad news,which normally leads fear and curiosity  to the public, is the most popular topics for most television programs and newspapers only because it is more likely to draw people's attention.

还有一个句子，你可以在考虑一下，我感觉有一点指带不清楚
they are in favor of reporting certain topics like crime that can draw people’s attention to increase their audience, which certainly will bring more money to the organization in return.
前面的太长了，which 代替整个句子的层次，可以考虑换一种ing状语结构，让考官轻松一些理解吧。
they are in favor of reporting certain topics like crimes which can draw people’s attention, increasing audience and bringing more revenue in return.

门外汉1982

供参考，我自己也只考了5.5，所以一起讨论吧，最主要还是审题不知道是否正确。

One of editors’ reponsibilities is to choose the type of news presented on television and newspapers. There are several factors which impact their decisions. Nowadays, people are exposed to many bad news, however,I believe that it is beneficial to increase the proportion of good news.

原文中 While bad news is almost becoming part of people’s daily lives(这个观点不太对吧，谁会认为坏消息是生活的一个部分) . The amount 这个似乎没有 proportion好，因为这里是比的相对数量而不是绝对数量。
Three main factors can influence editors when choosing what kind of news to broadcast. Firstly, world-wide events, which are likely to hit the headlines, are generally considered to be the priority, because they are closely relevant to public and attract significant numbers of people.Olympic Games reports, for example, will be often  presented on various media while they are proceeding.

Hit the headlines 是一个固定搭配, while it is held不知道怎么改，但应该不用强调 ,如果要强调，用ing，前面是events应该是they比较好,我的建议是while they are proceeding.

Secondly, news about celebrities will be taken into account even though sometimes they are routine activities such as birthdays, marriages.

Finally, they are in favor of reporting certain topics like crimes which can draw people’s attention, increasing audience and bringing more revenue in return.  In my view, more good news should be broadcasted, and that is especially important because many people are exposed to too many bad news.

Those bad news, such as crimes and accidents, are the most popular topics for the majority of  television programs and newspapers.  [两个most放在一不好]

This(These?) might lead fears among the public. Good news, by contrast, brings the positive energy [这个考官不一定理解] to the whole society as well as giving hope to each individual.  [bring和giving 两个结构不一样，不能用as well as]  
Good news, by contrast, usually brings the positive energy [这个考官不一定理解] to the whole society and it also gives hope to each individual.


It would be therefore a better situation if more good news can be reported and keep an acceptable balance. [therefore的位置不是特别确定，应该是放在be后面。Keep的主语不会是good news，因为是editors需要做平衡]It would be therefore a better situation if editors could choose more good news and keep an reasonable balance.

daiyi2002

qiuxan 发表于 1-12-2013 09:55

                               
登录/注册后可看大图

然后more good news should be broadcast through media, though many people are getting used to bad new ...

确实要多问问为什么，这样coherence才能强些。

and查了下，应该是写成,and。 第一次听到fan boys 这个概念。

daiyi2002

门外汉1982 发表于 1-12-2013 13:41

                               
登录/注册后可看大图

供参考，我自己也只考了5.5，所以一起讨论吧，最主要还是审题不知道是否正确。

One of editors’ repons ...

复杂句改成这样意思理顺了不少, hit the headlines 很赞！

as well as 似乎是正确的，一个例句：As well as making useful listening practice, it might help you with ideas for writing task 2.

另外我不大赞成这样的段落写法，雅思写作一般四段，最长5段就可以了。并且每段都应该有topic sentence.

lupia008

感觉第二段有点略跑题，问的是factors that influence the decisions, 这里说的似乎是最终的decision，就是有哪些东西被报道了。
the interest of the general public 其实已经包括了 bad news, news about celebrities and big news了，这些都是人们感兴趣的。
如果再加2个factor的话，感觉可以说 the sponsors' opinions, the government's instructions 之类的

homeboxoffice

第二段跑题了，因素应该是新闻是否新，旧闻就失去价值了；内容是否吸引力，比如爆炸性新闻；还有就是内容的审核，唱反调之类的一般是不会上的。
Olympic Games reports, for example, will often be on various media when it is held.这个地方语法错误了，无论你是指奥运会还是报告。看你的意思是指的奥运会，奥运会也是复数的。report是不能held的。