大家帮忙看看这两篇雅思作文分别有几分

K6370

今天晚上心血来潮，就跟主申一起写了一篇雅思作文当练习，我们下个月考雅思了。我是副申，考4.5分就行了，主申得考四个七。主申的作文一直弱项，上次考试也是作文拖后腿了。至于副申么，第一次考。
大家帮忙看看，我们这两篇作文分别能打几分，另外也请提一些建设。谢谢了

作文题如下：Fast food is now universally available in most countries and is becoming increasingly popular. Some feel that this is a positive trend, while others do not.
What are your opinions on this?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


首先是主申的:
  As modern people contribute more and more time to work, they have to spend more time in fast food restaurant than ever to solve their meal problems, which creates the universal popularity for fast food all over the world.
    This trend is quite reasonable for several features it brings. On one hand, fast food is extremely convenient. You can always find at least one or two fast food restaurants five-minutes-walk away from wherever your office is. Some of those restaurants are even open for 24 hours, qtherefore you will not starve to death no matter how late you have to work. Moreover, it only takes around 5 minutes between your order is made and your food is served. On the other hand, the price for fast food is most likely affordable by comparison with fancy dinner and home cooking.
   Despite of all the convenience it brings, the downside of fast food is extremely obvious after all.
   The food quality those restaurants provide is always debatable.  Some owners choose to sacrifice the food quality for saving the operational cost. And to guarantee the food tasty, the restaurant has to put 'healthy diet' aside to keep itself in business. Many issues are caused by this operation mode, such as, malnutrition, over-weight and food poison. Last but not the least, consumers becomes so reliable on fast food, they don't even try to spend time with beloved ones at meal time, which expand modern people's social vacancy.
   It is no doubt that fast food provide such a convenience to our lives, yet we should realize it is only one of the millions options we possess. We don't need to start to boycott fast food blindly, yet we can not rely too much on it and enjoy the variety of lifestyle which makes our life a wonderful whole package.



然后是副申的，请慢拍砖  
写完发现错别字好多，为了反映真实水平，错的也照发上来了


In modern society, fast food is becoming popular more and more.There are so many places selling fast food in most of countries. Fast food is popular because that people are more busy than before,and the fast food is delicious and convient.Making fast food also is easy,which makes it cheaper than other food.So, many people like fast food and always buy them to eat.
But I think that fast food becoming popular is not a positive trend.I insist that beacuse of three reasons.
First,fast food is not good for health.It is said that the fast food is bound of oil and fat,which makes people fatter and fatter.In China,there are one people who is overweigh in every five people.I think fast food is one of the reason of why people becoming fatter than before.

Second,people cant really enjoy diet though fast food is convient.Diet is a part of cultrue .we have breakfast,lunch or dinner not just for convient.When we have a dinner,we can stay with our family,friends and lover.we spend happy time together,and it is a wonderful expirement.Fast food becoming popular,means that people are losing the wonderful experiment because of they are busy.

Last,people may become lazy and dont want to make food by themselves any more because of popularation of fast food.People think they can buy food by moeny,why need them make food by hand? More and more people even dont want to do housework, because money can buy everything including labor in modern sociaty.

So,i think fast food becoming increasingly popular is not a positive trend.

[ 本帖最后由 K6370 于 14-1-2013 01:08 编辑 ]

inthepines

"As modern people contribute more and more time to work, they have to spend more time in fast food restaurant than ever to solve their meal problems, which creates the universal popularity for fast food all over the world."
我也最多就是个6分水平，抛砖引玉哈！时间不足，只分析下第一段。
1，“modern”，不如用Currently，people.........
2，“more and more”，比较拖沓，可以参考题目里面的“increasingly popular”，而且后面有有个“more time”，一气三个more，有点审美疲劳。
3， “fast food restaurant”，题目讨论的是快餐，不是快餐店，人们也可以在家吃快餐啊，稍微有点走火之嫌，不如将restaurant删掉。
4，“to solve their meal problems”这个可以删掉吧，有点怪异，“解决膳食问题”膳食有什么问题？
5，“universal popularity for fast food all over the world”，universal 和all over the world 是不是重复了？
我的意见第一段改成如下：
"Currenty， as people contribute increasingly much time to work, they tend to have more fast food than ever, which creates the universal popularity of fast food."

6分水平的人的修改意见，大家轻拍。

[ 本帖最后由 inthepines 于 14-1-2013 02:09 编辑 ]

Chopper

楼上。。 increasingly much time？ 好像有点奇怪。。。

冒昧估分。。。。主申6副申5.。。。。纯属非常业余人士第一感觉。。。。。

inthepines

那好吧，把increasingly喀嚓掉

K6370

原帖由 Chopper 于 14-1-2013 02:11 发表

                               
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楼上。。 increasingly much time？ 好像有点奇怪。。。

冒昧估分。。。。主申6副申5.。。。。纯属非常业余人士第一感觉。。。。。

我真的有5分吗？哈哈，如果是这样就太好了。

punkid

This trend is quite reasonable for several features it brings.
This trend is understandable for the following reasons


On one hand, fast food is extremely convenient.
--->On the one hand
极端词汇尽量不用，extremely可以换成very, quite之类的，或者直接不用


You can always find at least one or two fast food restaurants five-minutes-walk away from wherever your office is.
冗余了，就说from your office，一定要用wherever ur office is的话，这样改：
Wherever your office is, you can always find at least one or two fast food restaurants less than five-minutes-walk away
另外，academic style的文章，主语要尽量避免使用i,you, we之类，根据这句话的意思，可以就简单写成：
It is always easy to find fast food restaurants nearby


Some of those restaurants are even open for 24 hours,
open for 24 hours...按这个意思的话，快餐店一共就营业24小时，然后就关门
可以说: open for 24 hours per day, 或者 open all day long, 或者 open 24/7


Therefore you will not starve to death no matter how late you have to work.
starve to death, 说法有点口语化了，可以改成starve yourself
另外，本着少用you,i,me,we的原则，这句话可以进一步改成：
Therefore employees will not have to starve themselves when they have to work overtime.



Moreover, it only takes around 5 minutes between your order is made and your food is served.
表达很口语，意思的确是说明白了，最好改成：
Moreover, it only takes about 5 minutes to prepare your food.


On the other hand, the price for fast food is most likely affordable by comparison with fancy dinner and home cooking.
要compare的话，形容词要配合的用上比较级呀，改成：
the price of fast food is most likely more affordable compared to that of some fancy dinner or home cooking.


Despite of all the convenience it brings,
despite是单独使用的，跟of搭配用的是in spite of哦，所以，就说Despite all the convenience it brings


the downside of fast food is extremely obvious after all.
extremely，极端词汇了，去掉；after all，去掉
去掉以后嫌句子太短的话，加个as well:
the downside of fast food is quite obvious as well.


Some owners choose to sacrifice the food quality for saving the operational cost.
cost和save不是很搭，通常是和cut搭，for也最好换成to:
Some owners choose to sacrifice quality to cut operational cost.


And to guarantee the food tasty, the restaurant has to put 'healthy diet' aside to keep itself in business.
guarantee + sth + adj，没这用法吧~~，改成从句，guarantee that the food is tasty


Last but not the least, consumers becomes so reliable on fast food,
reliable意思不对，换成dependent，
一定要用rely的话，改成：
consumers rely so much on fast food,...



it is only one of the millions options we possess
millions改成单数
possess和option不搭，option就用have就好了


we can not rely too much on it and enjoy the variety of lifestyle....
enjoy到底是跟can not还是跟can？
we can not rely too much on it and we can not enjoy the variety of lifestyle? 还是:
we can not rely too much on it and we can enjoy the variety of lifestyle?
另外variety of lifestyle, 还是词汇搭配问题， 改成varieties of life

which makes our life a wonderful whole package.
这个这个....whole package通常是在口语中用来形容高富帅的，是用来形容人的..............

[ 本帖最后由 punkid 于 14-1-2013 18:56 编辑 ]

AUSBEEAUD

楼主有一个on the other hand 是陷入了中国式的逻辑错误了。在英文里面这个短语是用于跟前面观点相反，用作对比的linking words.

翻译成中文大家会容易理解成另一方面，也就是递进的意思。其实on the other hand 在地道英语里面是不能那么用的。

如果楼主要表示递进，可以用more over, further more, additionally.等等。

另一个方面，楼主词汇量好像比较baby language，别生气哦。
我得了四次6，感觉比楼主要写得好

至于楼主得几分，也不好说