作文求改Some people fail on their school but achieve success in their adult l...

sweetstar

以下是本人拙作，先在答题纸写了一遍，type出来除了改了grammar错误，替换少部分词汇词伙以外。别的没有改。291 words。请告诉我大概值几分，如果提高到band 7，谢谢各位。
Some people fail on their school but achieve success in their adult life. Why do you think this will happen?
What causes/reasons may lead to a person’s successful life?

It is noticeable that although many individuals who had poor performance academically in their school time，they become very successful in terms of their career or other part of their life. This is due to the fact that information and skills acquired from our education systems are not enough for a promising life in the modern society.

It is undeniable that even a well-designed education model is just focused on giving a majority of young people to acquire some basic knowledge and skills for earning a living in their adult life. These school courses and trainings are just a foundation and beginning of one’s life, people need to work hard and use their resources, such as family background and talent to achieve a variety of goals throughout their life.

There are different kinds of reasons that may result different kinds of success. First, having a clear target and working for it diligently are always essential. A person need to set up a clear plan and achievable goal when they trying to obtain an achievement. People’s talent and personality is another importance on their way to success. We can notice that many individuals doing similar things with different results in terms of success and failure, not because of making more or less effort but resulting from these two facts mentioned above. There are also a number of other elements, which include family background, chances and even technological development that affects one’s life.

To conclude, in my perspective, better performances at school do not necessarily lead to succeeds in our life and vice versa. Because there are countless causes that lead to a successful life. But I insist that working hard for a reasonable goal is always the road for a success.

另询问一个题目思路是否跑偏：

                               
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开头段：无非是引出问题，car确实带来很多问题。
有人认为ban好，好处包括减少拥堵、污染，减少道路建设挤占城市空间。
但是ban的话，给人们带来很多不便，比如很多人要更早起床乘坐public transport，家里有emergency的时候有私车更方便。特别是很多发展中国家public transport sys 不完善。
结尾写是否ban，怎么ban要看城市公共交通的情况。
这么写没问题吧。难道题目说的是car，我偏重私车了或者没着重city center，可这玩意写的时候没法太区分开吧？

Mr.Q

回帖攒人品。

lz认为学校提供的教育太基础，所以不足以使得一个人在以后的工作中成功。 这个论点挺好， 但似乎不太切题。
如果本题说， 一些人在学校获得很好的成绩，但是在社会上却不成功。为什么？ 那么上面的论点似更站得住脚。

本人水平有限，说的不对的地方多包涵。

halleybachelor

几个建议：
第二段和第三段的内容似乎有交叉，建议第二段只讲学校教育能够提供什么样的素质，把成功需要哪些进一步的条件全部放到第三段来讲。

These school courses and trainings are just a foundation and beginning of one’s life, people need to work hard and use their resources, such as family background and talent to achieve a variety of goals throughout their life.
这句话少一个连词。


. Because there are countless causes that lead to a successful life. But I insist that working hard for a reasonable goal is always the road for a success.
countless有点夸张。
建议because小写，前面改逗号。But改成however加逗号。
the road for a success.表达不地道。或者说an important way to success?



There are different kinds of reasons that may result different kinds of success.
应该是result in


我水平也只有6.5，仅供参考。

wayne88

帮忙顶一下， 一起加油

句子有问题，不完整：
although many individuals who（delete who)  had poor performance academically in their school time

Because there are countless causes that lead to a successful life.

别人建议：
写得多，错得多而且没时间。(260words ~270words足够了）