G 类作文，求拍砖

SusanChen

题目：
The raise of living standard benefits mostly cities, not the rural areas. What are the causes of this problem? What issues might such differences lead to? How can we prevent these issues?



In some countries, the living quality in rural areas obviously fall behind than the cities'. I believe governments hold the key responsibility for this.

It is generally accepted that Governments play an important role in the living standard of people, no matter who are in urban or rural areas. Normally, governments tend to allocate more budget to cities, so more facilities are built there. This enable cities to attract more investors to invest money in cities, thereby bringing more jobs opportunities. People who live in cities can easily to find jobs and get better income. Therefore, the living standard there are significantly improved. By contract, due to lack of governments' financial support, the facilities in rural areas still have a far way to go to attract the investment. This poses a negative impact to improve the living quality in there areas, especially for those which are far away from center cities.

The imbalanced development of living standard between cities and rural areas can cause a series of problems. Firstly, people who purse high living level tend to go to developed cities to find employment, which will make cities more crowed. Secondly, too many people live in the same city might cause the security issue. Thirdly, government need to allocate more fund on the cities' management, because more people move to the same city for a better life.

To summarize, governments should take some measures to balance the development of urban and rural areas. For example, governments can encourage companies to invest in rural areas by reducing their tax. Meanwhile, governments can also put more budget to develop the economy of rural areas. By doing this, I believe both living standard in cities and rural areas can hand in hand to move forwards.

SusanChen

我觉得有个问题就是， living quality , living standards 我自己用了n次，但是，有没有找到什么好的替换词。。 望高手指点，还有没其他的问题？

qiuxan

1，fall behind 是个动作不是比较级，不能加than，fall behind 的速度可以比较 用more quickly than；
2，cities‘ 不是人，也不是郭嘉，不能直接一瞥s；
3，important role只能加个动作， 不能living standard，可以用improving；
4，no matter who are in urban or rural areas， 这是错的，直接去掉；
5， invest money in cities，in 不准确，into；
6，the living standard there are significantly improved. are 换成 will be 首先一般现在时，这里用的很怪，其次 就算用也应该是is；
7， there areas？what？
8，in rural areas still have a far way to go to attract the investment.个人认为是中式英文；
lz的观点还是很不错的，很扣题，论证的也很准确，还有一段就不看了，无意冒犯lz，但是，已经看不下去了。
lz的句子充满了顾家北教的句子的味道，所以lz应该知道一段，几乎每句话都有用词不准，语法错误或者中式英语，大概就是4-4.5的～lz 想要考到自己想要的成绩建议踏踏实实脚踏实地的先从语法做起。

SusanChen

qiuxan 发表于 29-12-2013 21:43

                               
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1，fall behind 是个动作不是比较级，不能加than，fall behind 的速度可以比较 用quickly than；
2，citie ...

谢谢 qiuxan 的点评。

我确是师从顾家北。 你真是好眼力。 佩服。。。

请问对于提交语法有什么良策？

Kindler

1. the living quality in rural areas obviously fall behind than the cities'.
fall －》 falls

2. jobs opportunities
jobs -> job

3. People who live in cities can easily to find jobs and get better income.
easily to find -> easily find

4.  the living standard there are significantly improved.
are -> is

5. By contract
-> By contrast?? typo??

6. This poses a negative impact to improve the living quality in there areas
-> impact on impairing
好像老家伙的课有讲这个，我只是下载来讲义听来着。
there－》these ?? typo??

7.  center cities
-> city centers?

8. which will make cities more crowed.
-> crowded.

9. Secondly, too many people live in the same city might cause the security issue.
live -> living

10. Thirdly, government need to
-> governments
or
-> the government needs

11. by reducing their tax
-> 更着顾的视频学了一个词伙，tax benefits 你可以替换下。

12.  I believe both living standard in cities and rural areas can hand in hand to move forwards.
－》I believe the living standard in both cities and rural areas can…

13. hand in hand to move forwards.
求问：这是啥意思？手拉手大步向前走？？


BTW：纯粹个人意见，挣扎在写作提升的过程中。有时间，去隔壁也帮我批下作文吧，谢谢啊。

qiuxan

SusanChen 发表于 30-12-2013 01:43

                               
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谢谢 qiuxan 的点评。

我确是师从顾家北。 你真是好眼力。 佩服。。。

写从句 先从简单句开始，比如

主语＋动词＋谓语
然后再 主语（同位语从句）＋动词＋谓语
然后主语（同位语从句）＋动词＋谓语＋，and＋并列句。

语法还不熟练的时候不要急着一口气写出一整个长句；


多阅读，多懂得一些地道的表达，用词先不求狠，先保证准。

zhiweiyouwo

Kindler 发表于 29-12-2013 23:08

                               
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1. the living quality in rural areas obviously fall behind than the cities'.
fall －》 falls

发现了好多问题,学习了.....

SusanChen

Kindler 发表于 30-12-2013 02:08

                               
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1. the living quality in rural areas obviously fall behind than the cities'.
fall －》 falls

谢谢 Kindler 的精彩点评， 发现了文章中存在的诸多不足。

Kindler

SusanChen 发表于 30-12-2013 17:08

                               
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谢谢 Kindler 的精彩点评， 发现了文章中存在的诸多不足。

一起学习，一起进步吧。感觉我现在写作还没入门，写作必须多写，多练习。＋U