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标题: 作文，求拍砖，谢谢！新上一篇，在一楼 [打印本页]

作者: phjet 时间: 14-5-2010 14:01
标题: 作文，求拍砖，谢谢！新上一篇，在一楼
新上一篇，没计时，拼写错误红色标记．写得有点太长了．

A great many countries around the world are gradually losing their cultural identity because of the prevalence of the Internet.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Today, internet is very common in our daily life. It shortens the physical distance, breaks the bar of communication, and eventually makes the world a small village. Meanwhile, someone warns that the countries will lose their culture identity in this wave. In spite of this concern, internet actually enhances the culture consciousness, which results in better protection of fading-away cultures.

Culture includes a lot of factors: the certain behavior in everyday life, the believe in religions, the technology developed through generations, the arts and music… We’re born, raised up in a certain culture. Sometimes we may fight for or even die for it. However, as people always take it for granted, they seldom realize its existence until they encounter a different culture and find in a shock how unique their own culture is. In the old days, when people from different culture have to travel long distance to meet with each other, such cross culture communication is time consuming, costly and rare. After internet made the meeting and casual chat a click effort, more and more average people get exposure to variant cultures and as a result realize his own cultural identity.

Internet also facilitates protection of dying tradition skills and way of life. Information is shared on web-sites. Forums provide space for discussion, donation, debate etc. Internet is a speed and powerful channel, where numerous treasures get the attentions from all over the world. This kind of promotion and advertising attract people’s interest to learn the culture, somehow invent creative ways to protect it. Good example is the ancient residential place located in Huizhou, Anhui province. When a lot of people visit there to admire its beauty, the local tour industry is scaled. The income from tour raise fund for the amendment of those old houses. This sort of healthy cycle works well for culture protection.

In one word, internet as a new technique can benefit a country’s culture identity, instead of weaken it.

*******************************************************************************************
Polular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occations are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

I agree the sporting even plays an essential role in easing international tensions and somehow contributing the world peace.

If we look back how sports emerged and developed in human being’s history, it’s quite clear. At the very beginning, sports is a way of practicing daily surviving skills, such as encouraging people to run faster, jump higher etc. Then it started to have certain module and rules. Competition and rewards are introduced in. Each participant, individual or group, has his own fans, and he becomes the representative of the fans. His winning is the honor of a supporting group behind him, and his losing is a shame not only to himself. The mechanism here is quite similar as how the politician works: people of same culture, believes or benefit getting together and select their own lead to represent them in an argument or fight. Through sports, people can release their patriotic emotions, enthusiasm in a safe way.

Sports is also a good means of culture exchange and communication. People get to know each other better through sports. The big international occasion such as the football World Cup, and the Olympic Games can gather a lot of people, the athletes, the volunteers, the audience, the judges and all other people working for the event. They come from different race, location, with variant culture and thoughts. The sports occasion give them a chance to talk with each other, share their stories, happiness and sorrow and enhance the understanding. This will definitely help improving the relationship and avoiding violent conflict. The good example was the Ping-Pong diplomacy China had with USA in 1970’s. When the politician of two countries still hesitated with talking to each other, the Chinese Ping-Pong team was sent to USA as pioneer to break the thick ice.

So in one word, sports can not only show the pure human spirit, faster, higher and stronger, but also perform an important role in defending the world peace.

[ 本帖最后由 phjet 于 19-5-2010 11:54 编辑 ]

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 14-5-2010 14:21
这题目好诡异哦...
不过楼主行文如流水...我看得很敬仰啊...

作者: phjet 时间: 14-5-2010 14:28

原帖由 小小白虎 于 14-5-2010 13:21 发表

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这题目好诡异哦...
不过楼主行文如流水...我看得很敬仰啊...

是剑3，Test 1的题目。LS过奖了，这个是没计时写的，还改过不少错的词。呵，离实战还有点距离。

作者: phjet 时间: 17-5-2010 13:20
剑3 Test 1, Writing Task 1 (G)
20分钟完成，拼写错误红色标记。

You are due to start a new job next week but you will not able to because you have some problems.

Write a letter to your new employer. In your letter
1. explain your situation
2. describe your problems
3. tell him/her when you think you can start.

Dear Mike,

Thanks for offering the job of the chief IT officer in your company. I know I’ve confirmed one month ago of my start date, which is next Monday. However, I encountered an emergent issue and want to postpone the on-board date to May 1st.

The issue was caused by the recent quick expressing (spreading) disease – SARS. After the first patient was identified 2 weeks ago locally, the number of affected people increased significantly to 200 in the city as of now. Due to this situation, the government has announced all the school to be closed temporarily, including the childcare center, where I send my 3 year old son every workday. So I cannot leave home to work until I find a baby-sitter. Fortunately, one of my relatives has promised to help me out. And she will get to my home by end of next week, so that I can start to work on May 1st.

Thanks a lot for your understanding and please feel free to let me know if you have any concern about this timeline.

Yours Sincerely

[ 本帖最后由 phjet 于 17-5-2010 14:46 编辑 ]

作者: helenazy 时间: 17-5-2010 15:22
提示: 作者被禁止或删除, 无法发言 从行文和谴词用句来说，7分左右是有了。不过就议论文来说，没什么出彩的地方，论点很平庸。

作者: phjet 时间: 17-5-2010 15:44

原帖由 helenazy 于 17-5-2010 14:22 发表

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从行文和谴词用句来说，7分左右是有了。不过就议论文来说，没什么出彩的地方，论点很平庸。

谢谢指教！确定是，最近试了一篇，更是感觉很糟。磕磕巴巴的赶着时间写出来，自己看了都难受。回头再和范文一比，惊呼一声：哎呀，这不就是我想说的吗？！怎么人家说得那样有理有据呢。郁闷啊！感觉作文还真不只是考语言啊。

[ 本帖最后由 phjet 于 17-5-2010 14:48 编辑 ]

作者: phjet 时间: 17-5-2010 16:35
自己看了惨不忍睹的一篇。。。
剑3 Test 1, Writing Task 2 (G)
用时40分钟

Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a cmplete waste of time.

Do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your exprerience.

I don’t agree with this opinion. Nowadays parents always get nervous when talking about kids’ education. The modern society is full of competition and nobody wants his child to loss at the very beginning. Parents are keen to make every second of the child’s life meaningful, like what this statement says, leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are waste of time!

However, what does education really mean? First it’s to give children enough knowledge and skill to survive. But the knowledge and skills are only useful when children are willing to accept them, learn them by heart. Kid is born to be curious about new things. However, if they’re forced to do something, they will most likely resist it and lose interest. So don’t plan a certain educational activity for kids. Give them the freedom, they can choose what they’re most interested in and learn well.

Education also means to build a healthy spirit, with the ability to love, to treasure the life, to have sympathy of the other’s sorrow. This factor of education cannot be achieved by simple class study. Children can learn this from their daily life, by making friends, by getting closer to the nature.

Leisure time can bring a lot surprise to the children, if they have the right to decide how to spend it. Give children the choices (options) and leave them a free space to grow. You will find how amazing every kid can be with different talent.

[ 本帖最后由 phjet 于 17-5-2010 15:39 编辑 ]

作者: helenazy 时间: 17-5-2010 17:14
提示: 作者被禁止或删除, 无法发言 其实吧，写议论文，关键是摆事实讲道理。讲起道理来呢，你又可以打打比方。

比如说，儿童教育问题。用西方人的思路来考虑一下，他们是讲究兴趣和天性是第一位的。
但你光强调这个，还是很单薄，字数也凑不够。那你就可以来个比喻说，小孩吧，就如同一棵树，在刚开始的时候，没人能知道他会怎么长。父母应该如同园丁一样，给他留足发展空间。提前教育就如同在树上罩个或圆或方的罩子，家长以为是美丽的，但其实限制了孩子的兴趣和个性自由发展。

父母要做的是给树培土浇水，大风来了给提供屏障，防止树倒下。树是会长成自己想要的样子的，孩子的天性和兴趣才是他们将来择业，自己生活的根本动力。也会决定他们将来和什么人一起生活，如何培养自己的下一代。

教育不是不可以，但不能占用孩子的过多时间和精力。

如果这么写，我厚颜无耻地估计应该能得个8分。

作者: phjet 时间: 17-5-2010 17:21

原帖由 helenazy 于 17-5-2010 16:14 发表

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其实吧，写议论文，关键是摆事实讲道理。讲起道理来呢，你又可以打打比方。

比如说，儿童教育问题。用西方人的思路来考虑一下，他们是讲究兴趣和天性是第一位的。
但你光强调这个，还是很单薄，字数也凑不够。那 ...

哈哈，精辟！

作者: dreamafar 时间: 17-5-2010 17:29
标题: 回复 #1 phjet 的帖子
以我的经验，你这篇作文的分数在6分甚至更低，原因如下：
1）词汇和语法：有一些词语和时态搭配的错误，另外句型结构单一。雅思7分以上作文的要求是能够熟练运用复杂的句型结构，这是得分的要点。
2）论点不鲜明，考鸭的作文要求必须要有topic sentence，一篇文章应该有3-5个论点支持。你如果说体育运动可以增进世界和平，那么你每一段的内容都要点明这一点
3）文章结构不完整，没有conclusion，这点是考鸭的最大忌讳

雅思的作文非常八股，建议你多花时间研究范文。

作者: helenazy 时间: 17-5-2010 17:40
提示: 作者被禁止或删除, 无法发言 5分不至于，我当年那篇写得更惨在海外考也混了个六分。

说实话，体育是怎么来的，你问我，我是肯定不知道的。但国家之间矛盾冲突是怎么回事情，平时看看报纸什么的，都应该知道：资源分配，宗教信仰等。从古到今，这种关键问题，只有战争能解决。

体育能干啥呢？和平时期，促进促进国际交流，展示下国家实力，激励下本国民众。举办得好，刺激下本地经济发展之类的。

作者: phjet 时间: 17-5-2010 18:15

原帖由 dreamafar 于 17-5-2010 16:29 发表

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以我的经验，你这篇作文的分数在6分甚至更低，原因如下：
1）词汇和语法：有一些词语和时态搭配的错误，另外句型结构单一。雅思7分以上作文的要求是能够熟练运用复杂的句型结构，这是得分的要点。
2）论点不鲜明， ...

看得吓丝丝，呵。

景仰一下这位4个7的TX，多谢你的板砖！

BTW，约了周末去EF瞧瞧，不知道他们的测评能不能真实反映一下偶的鸭子水平。多少想心里有点底，再作准备。

[ 本帖最后由 phjet 于 17-5-2010 17:18 编辑 ]

作者: hobtack 时间: 17-5-2010 19:23
这篇文章最多拿6分。。
开篇第二句就是常碰到的语法错误，段落没有主题句，而且整篇文章连词使用太少，考官读起来累。

实事求是的讲，楼主的语言功底还是不错的，但是应该是原版英文文章阅读量不够，文章写得很中文化，也就是大部分句子基本是按照中文的语序来安排的，所以老外读着是比较别扭的。
尽快多阅读一些科普杂志，比如国家地理，看看washington post之类报纸，学学那些文章的句子结构。

作者: phjet 时间: 18-5-2010 00:26

原帖由 hobtack 于 17-5-2010 18:23 发表

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这篇文章最多拿6分。。
开篇第二句就是常碰到的语法错误，段落没有主题句，而且整篇文章连词使用太少，考官读起来累。

实事求是的讲，楼主的语言功底还是不错的，但是应该是原版英文文章阅读量不够，文章写得很中 ...

高手啊，确实如你所说，原版文章最近几年读得很少。主要是工作上接触英语。多谢你的建议！

有一点不明，还望赐教：开篇第二句就是常碰到的语法错误。能指出具体是哪一处吗？当局者迷啊，呵呵

作者: hobtack 时间: 18-5-2010 00:46
标题: 回复 #14 phjet 的帖子
If we look back how sports emerged and developed in human being’s history, it’s quite clear.
这句是个典型的错句，而且是雅思考官视为大忌的一种错误，it 指代不明。我读到这里我还在等着it is quite clear that....，看看究竟是什么clear，结果句子结束了，也就是说这句话主语没了，不知道这个it究竟是指什么，你不能想当然的以为it就是指代你上一段讲的东西，英语是不能这样跨越着来的。

还有这句：They come from different race, location, with variant culture and thoughts，语法也是有问题的。
with介词短语是就近修饰的，不能想当然就认为它是修饰主语they的，在这个句子最后里with修饰的是race，location。改为：They come from different race, location, holding variant culture and thoughts

作者: phjet 时间: 18-5-2010 01:34

原帖由 hobtack 于 17-5-2010 23:46 发表

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If we look back how sports emerged and developed in human being’s history, it’s quite clear.
这句是个典型的错句，而且是雅思考官视为大忌的一种错误，it 指代不明。我读到这里我还在等着it is quite clear ...

还真没想到这么一层，谢谢指教！

作者: phjet 时间: 19-5-2010 00:45
顶一下．新上一篇，继续努力．

作者: dreamafar 时间: 19-5-2010 03:14
标题: 回复 #12 phjet 的帖子
个人认为首先要考虑的是文章的结构，开篇，论证，结语，一个不能少，而且要一目了然，因为断句，分段，标点符号这些都是要评分的。
句型结构尽量多样，当然不出语法错误是最起码的。
有些人建议练习在规定时间内写出一篇文章，这个应该很有用，虽然我自己没试过，但是我相信可以最快时间提高组织思维的能力，考试的时候没有那么多时间给你慢慢去想。我第一次考前基本没有准备，也没看什么范文，上场一看那题目就有点懵了，结果是耽误了时间，最后时间不够没有写完，6.5分。第二次考试我准备了一下，主要就是研究考官的范文，以及考官对考生作文的点评，这样就能知道他们想看到什么样的东西了，考试的时候基本就是按那个思路写完。

说到论证，一定要做到正反的观点都要提到，这点好象是考官的最爱，虽然我一直不理解。套路就是‘有些人认为1,2,3，另外一些人认为1,2.，3’，然后结论‘我认为：虽然。。。但是。。。所以（跟开篇的论点扣住），这就算完事。

以上纯粹个人体会，仅供参考。

作者: phjet 时间: 19-5-2010 12:53
标题: 回复 #18 dreamafar 的帖子
谢谢分享！

作者: phjet 时间: 20-5-2010 13:00
在3G上看到一本IELTS target band 7 - how to maximize your score。受益不少，才知道图表作文应该怎么样写。今天继续看tips for task 2。

作者: ivyhu 时间: 8-6-2010 15:29
标题: 回复 #1 phjet 的帖子
LZ，我能不能在你的楼里贴一下我的作文，大家互相评论一下。谢谢！

作者: phjet 时间: 8-6-2010 16:20

原帖由 ivyhu 于 8-6-2010 14:29 发表

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LZ，我能不能在你的楼里贴一下我的作文，大家互相评论一下。谢谢！

没问题啊，或者你还可以贴到这个贴子里，看的人多点。
http://www.freeoz.org/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=901249&page=1#pid2839928

作者: ivyhu 时间: 8-6-2010 16:40
标题: 回复 #22 phjet 的帖子
谢谢，能允许贴这边就很好了，都是你写过的

作者: ivyhu 时间: 8-6-2010 16:40
标题: No.1
You are due to start a new job next week but you will not able to because you have some problems.

Write a letter to your new employer. In your letter
1. explain your situation
2. describe your problems
3. tell him/her when you think you can start.

Dear Sir,

I am so excited about my new job and looking forward to kick off as soon as possible. But I am very sorry to write to you to discuss the possibility of delaying my on-board time one week later than the day we agreed days ago.

The reason is my grand parents will visiting Beijing for one weeks from the next Monday. They are both eighty years old and this trip might be their last one to my family and I really hope I could spend some more time with them and show them around in the city.

During this period, I will develop the ideas we discussed and generate one report about it. Also, I will read the documents you passed to me in our last meeting. I want you believe that I will be well-prepared when I am sitting in the office on Jun. 25.

Your understanding and permission will be highly appreciated.

Sincerely,
xxx

作者: leciel95 时间: 8-6-2010 17:47
1 It 使用要慎重，建议用“，which”把前面的句子当成后面句子的对象
2 学术论文缩写不能出现
3 楼主老毛病了，一定要突出论点，句子之间用大个的耀眼的连接词，每个分论点后要有支持句。
4 也是老毛病，最后一段-也就是第四段，缺乏总结前面论点的句子，给人一种草草收兵的感觉。

有些句型看着头疼，但说不上哪里不对

水平有限我也是来学习的

作者: phjet 时间: 10-6-2010 17:31
Dear Sir,

I am so excited about my new job and looking forward to kick off (kicking of) as soon as possible. But I am very sorry to write to you to discuss (too many tos, and a typical chinese English) the possibility of delaying my on-board time one week later (seems we don't say delay sth later than) than the day we agreed days ago. But i'm very soory that my on-board date may be delayed for one week, and i'm writing to you to discuss this issue.

The reason is that my grand parents will visiting Beijing for one weeks from the next Monday (will visit BJ next Mon, and stay here for one week). They are both eighty years old and this trip might be their last one to my family and I really hope I could spend some more time (some is not necessary) with them and show them around in the city.

During this period, I will develop the ideas we discussed and generate one report about it. Also, I will read the documents you passed to me in our last meeting. I want you believe (it's chinese english again, you can say, it's no doubt that i will...) that I will be well-prepared when I am sitting (step into) in the office on Jun. 25.

Your understanding and permission will be highly appreciated.

Sincerely,
xxx

[ 本帖最后由 phjet 于 10-6-2010 16:41 编辑 ]

作者: phjet 时间: 10-6-2010 17:42

原帖由 leciel95 于 8-6-2010 16:47 发表

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1 It 使用要慎重，建议用“，which”把前面的句子当成后面句子的对象
2 学术论文缩写不能出现
3 楼主老毛病了，一定要突出论点，句子之间用大个的耀眼的连接词，每个分论点后要有支持句。
4 也是老毛病，最后一段 ...

哈哈，兔兔和象象很热心哈。这篇不是偶的，偶也来改了改。

作者: 语之玫瑰 时间: 10-6-2010 18:04
show sb around in the city？确定需要in？
如果有不确定的用法，我宁愿换种表达方法，呵呵

作者: phjet 时间: 10-6-2010 19:30

原帖由 小小白虎 于 10-6-2010 17:04 发表

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show sb around in the city？确定需要in？
如果有不确定的用法，我宁愿换种表达方法，呵呵

嗯，这句也有点怪怪的，一般只说show sb around (here/there), 不过不太确定。刚想找人问问呢。

作者: leciel95 时间: 10-6-2010 20:09

好像语法不算错查了下 around除了prep还是adv可以做动词的状语吧

作者: leciel95 时间: 10-6-2010 20:11
要是用adj来修饰city 就用nearby

作者: ivyhu 时间: 10-6-2010 23:32
标题: 感谢热心的同学：）
非常谢谢leciel95的修改和建议，关于chenglish的部分一定会多加注意的。
上班时间写的，犯了很多一眼就看到的错误，感谢大家不吝赐教。
关于show sb. around in the city，我是这么考虑的，show sb. around我的理解是待人参观的意思，in the city or in the downtown 只是做状语，不知道这样理解有没有错误？

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