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标题: 偶没水平写正经英文，开始贴笑话吧 [打印本页]

作者: 指纹 时间: 20-9-2018 23:51
标题: 偶没水平写正经英文，开始贴笑话吧
As above.

1. Start of the list:

2. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

3. Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"

4. What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
-
Snowballs.

To be continued...

作者: yearshappy 时间: 21-9-2018 00:08

每天来笑笑，来学学

作者: yearshappy 时间: 21-9-2018 00:15
就叫笑话贴多好，增加点幽默感

作者: 指纹 时间: 21-9-2018 00:16

yearshappy 发表于 20-9-2018 23:15
就叫笑话贴多好，增加点幽默感

我这叫‘笑话吧’，吧比帖洋气

作者: yearshappy 时间: 21-9-2018 00:18

指纹发表于 20-9-2018 23:16
我这叫‘笑话吧’，吧比帖洋气

原来在说我土，土好，接地气站的稳

作者: 指纹 时间: 21-9-2018 00:23

yearshappy 发表于 20-9-2018 23:18
原来在说我土，土好，接地气站的稳

土好，长出来的作物就好

作者: huanged 时间: 21-9-2018 11:04
There is one come into my mind. It's from Big Bang

"What is the common between black hole and {somebody}?"

"They both suck!"

-- You can replace {somebody} with anyone. Use it to prank your friends

作者: 指纹 时间: 21-9-2018 11:10

huanged 发表于 21-9-2018 10:04
There is one come into my mind. It's from Big Bang

"What is the common between black hole and {so ...

骂人

作者: 愚夫 时间: 21-9-2018 11:23
Snowballs ! --- 高

作者: 指纹 时间: 21-9-2018 11:34
----------------------------------------------------
Sleep with an open window tonight!

1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this.

One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.

-------------------------------------------------------
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: “Do you do sports?”

Patient: “Does sex count?”

Doctor: “Yes.”

Patient: “Then no.”

----------to be continued----------

作者: 蓝山夜妖 时间: 21-9-2018 11:46

作者: MICHELLE07 时间: 22-9-2018 01:24

3.       Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

      Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

      Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

      Patrick: "What school?"

这个是说学校被炸毁了？

有个中文版的，小正太去幼儿园上学第一天回来，妈妈问到明天
孩子说，明天还去？我不是已经上过了吗

天天上学很烦
上论坛也是，想来就来才好。

作者: MICHELLE07 时间: 22-9-2018 01:27
A prisoner is forced to go into one of three rooms, but he can choose which room.

The first room is ablaze with fire.
The second one is rigged with explosives that will go off as soon as he enters.
The third contains a pair of lions who haven't eaten in years.

Which room should he choose to survive?

答案先不公布。不要搜哦！

作者: 老毒物 时间: 22-9-2018 07:10

指纹发表于 20-9-2018 23:16
我这叫‘笑话吧’，吧比帖洋气

成年人，还是喜欢逛吧多一些

作者: 老毒物 时间: 22-9-2018 07:11
看标题，指纹必须写些不正经的，否则对不起大伙儿

作者: yping88 时间: 22-9-2018 08:02
Hey, this totally cracked me up

作者: yping88 时间: 22-9-2018 08:16
https://www.facebook.com/ABCTV/v ... pm/290096048483345/

作者: yping88 时间: 22-9-2018 08:16
本帖最后由 yping88 于 22-9-2018 07:18 编辑

https://www.facebook.com/ABCTV/v ... pm/290096048483345/

Hahaha, Killed myself laughing!

作者: 指纹 时间: 22-9-2018 12:38

老毒物发表于 22-9-2018 06:11
看标题，指纹必须写些不正经的，否则对不起大伙儿

贴个不正经的：

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

作者: MillerYang 时间: 22-9-2018 12:38

MICHELLE07 发表于 22-9-2018 00:24
这个是说学校被炸毁了？

有个中文版的，小正太去幼儿园上学第一天回来，妈妈问到明天

记忆中有一首儿歌，大致是这个歌词：

太阳当空照，花儿对我笑
小鸟说，早早早，你为什么背上炸药包

我去炸学校，老师不知道
炸药包，点着了，轰地一声学校不见了。。。

[youtube]b_IvoHJ63D0[/youtube]

作者: 指纹 时间: 22-9-2018 12:41

yping88 发表于 22-9-2018 07:02
Hey, this totally cracked me up

You don't get to tell me what to do, you are not my daughter

作者: 指纹 时间: 22-9-2018 12:50

MillerYang 发表于 22-9-2018 11:38
记忆中有一首儿歌，大致是这个歌词：

太阳当空照，花儿对我笑

你这个版本为啥我们学校没教

作者: 指纹 时间: 22-9-2018 12:54
In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.
-
One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”
-
The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

------------------------------------------------------

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!”

---------------------------------------------------------

Me and my wife decided that we don't want to have children anymore. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

---------------------------------------------------

Police: “Open the door!”
-
Man: “I don’t want any balls!”
-
Police: “What? We don’t have any balls!”
-
Man: “I know.”

----------------------------------------------------------

In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"

作者: 指纹 时间: 22-9-2018 12:58

MICHELLE07 发表于 22-9-2018 00:27
A prisoner is forced to go into one of three rooms, but he can choose which room.

The first room ...

the third one. obviously the pair of lions had killed each other or at least had half life left.

作者: 牧马人 时间: 22-9-2018 21:19
Police: “Open the door!”
-
Man: “I don’t want any balls!”
-
Police: “What? We don’t have any balls!”
-
Man: “I know

Bugger me! That's a good one.

作者: 牧马人 时间: 22-9-2018 21:20
本帖最后由牧马人于 22-9-2018 20:21 编辑

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
Well you can't marmalade a stick into somebody's ar**

作者: 坏熊猫 时间: 22-9-2018 23:30
so funny. LOL

作者: 坏熊猫 时间: 22-9-2018 23:31
so funny

作者: MICHELLE07 时间: 22-9-2018 23:59

指纹发表于 22-9-2018 11:58
the third one. obviously the pair of lions had killed each other or at least had half life left.{: ...

被你蒙对了
不过你想几年没吃了的狮子还能活吗？

作者: 指纹 时间: 23-9-2018 11:10

MICHELLE07 发表于 22-9-2018 22:59
被你蒙对了
不过你想几年没吃了的狮子还能活吗？

作者: 牧马人 时间: 23-9-2018 22:57
A bear and a rabbit both pooed in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit 'do you have problem with shit on your fur?' The rabbit looked at his own bottom and said 'No, not at all.'

Then the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

作者: yping88 时间: 23-9-2018 23:10

作者: yping88 时间: 23-9-2018 23:12

牧马人发表于 23-9-2018 21:57
A bear and a rabbit both pooed in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit 'do you have problem with shi ...

Knock, Knock!

作者: yping88 时间: 23-9-2018 23:24

牧马人发表于 22-9-2018 20:20
What's the difference between jam and marmalade?
Well you can't marmalade a stick into somebody's a ...

Nooo, you stuffed someone's toast

作者: 牧马人 时间: 23-9-2018 23:39

yping88 发表于 23-9-2018 22:12
Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

作者: 牧马人 时间: 23-9-2018 23:40

yping88 发表于 23-9-2018 22:24
Nooo, you stuffed someone's toast

Not my problem. I only have butter and Vegemite.

作者: yping88 时间: 24-9-2018 00:01

牧马人发表于 23-9-2018 22:39
Who's there?

yping88, your "Bestie"

What's up with you

作者: 牧马人 时间: 24-9-2018 00:37
本帖最后由牧马人于 23-9-2018 23:38 编辑

yping88 发表于 23-9-2018 23:01
yping88, your "Bestie"

What's up with you

Nothing special except this silly bugger.

作者: yping88 时间: 24-9-2018 10:52
@牧马人
So cute, is it she or he? What is he/she?

作者: 愚夫 时间: 24-9-2018 11:15
A true story in Britain after the invention of the telephone in US in 1876.

When the head of British Post Office asked the leader of electrician engineer team if Britain needs telephone, the leader said "we do not need, because we have plenty of messenger boys".

作者: 指纹 时间: 24-9-2018 11:48
Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

Men 2017: I just shaved my legs. (comments: this is very true in China nowadays

)

----------------------------------------------------

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

-------------------------------------------------
A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

----------------------------------------------------

作者: yping88 时间: 24-9-2018 13:16
本帖最后由 yping88 于 24-9-2018 12:21 编辑

@愚夫
Guess the telephone system put all the messenger boys out of their jobs in post office

作者: 愚夫 时间: 24-9-2018 13:51

yping88 发表于 24-9-2018 12:16
@愚夫
Guess the telephone system put all the messenger boys out of their jobs in post office

That's right, traditionally there were lots of messenger boys delivering letters/packages in the postal field, the Britain people thought they already had enough people to do the jobs, why to have the 'telephones'.

作者: 指纹 时间: 24-9-2018 14:26

愚夫发表于 24-9-2018 12:51
That's right, traditionally there were lots of messenger boys delivering letters/packages in the p ...

We've had enough people to do their job, so what's the point of AI?

作者: 牧马人 时间: 24-9-2018 14:41

指纹发表于 24-9-2018 10:48
Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.

Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

No bloody way. I bet those sissy pants boys don't even have hair on their legs.

作者: 牧马人 时间: 24-9-2018 14:42

yping88 发表于 24-9-2018 09:52
@牧马人
So cute, is it she or he? What is he/she?

It's a boy border collie named Charlie

作者: yping88 时间: 24-9-2018 18:15
@牧马人
Yeah, Border Collies are the smart one's and very easy to train! But, don't you train him to be like you though.
It's nice for Charlie to take your handsome look, but don't pass on to him your personality! We need variety and diversity. Hahaha

作者: 牧马人 时间: 24-9-2018 21:15

yping88 发表于 24-9-2018 17:15
@牧马人
Yeah, Border Collies are the smart one's and very easy to train! But, don't you train him ...

Maybe I shall get a Rottie

作者: yping88 时间: 24-9-2018 21:43

牧马人发表于 24-9-2018 20:15
Maybe I shall get a Rottie

What about Rottie?

作者: yping88 时间: 25-9-2018 07:42
@牧马人
I figure out what other breed you should get: Husky.

They can talk like babies! I reckon, if you get a Husky and intensively train him/her, he/her can possibly pick up from you your gift of gab.

作者: yping88 时间: 25-9-2018 10:39
We have a friend who always is the first one to spot snakes on the walking track if there is any. We think he is the one who attracts snakes, and grant him with a beautiful name: Snake charmer

作者: 牧马人 时间: 25-9-2018 10:44

yping88 发表于 25-9-2018 06:42
@牧马人
I figure out what other breed you should get: Husky.

Wow, thanks for putting so much thoughts on me. Appreciate it.

作者: yping88 时间: 25-9-2018 13:39
No sweat! @牧马人
I happen to know a thing or two about the pooches, thought I'd better share it

作者: yping88 时间: 26-9-2018 11:37
A colleague/friend of mine has been frequently checking in on me at work: Are you upset? Did I do anything wrong? You are not smiling, are you Ok? Is it me upsetting you?

Me: What? Are you tip-toeing around me? I appreciate your concerns, but, not everything is about you, all right? Plus, if something is about You, I would say it straight to your face, rather than let you read too much into me!

作者: 指纹 时间: 26-9-2018 12:24

yping88 发表于 26-9-2018 10:37
A colleague/friend of mine has been frequently checking in on me at work: Are you upset? Did I do an ...

she must owe you a lot of money

作者: yping88 时间: 26-9-2018 12:30
@指纹
If she came cross like this with me again, I would ask her how much she thinks she owes me!

作者: 指纹 时间: 26-9-2018 20:24
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “

Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

-------------------------------------------------------

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!

--------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?
-
A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

-----------------------------------------------------------

作者: yping88 时间: 26-9-2018 23:38
Dog-friendly gate!

作者: NC囧hi 时间: 27-9-2018 03:05
what do farmers use to count cows?

cowculator

作者: yearshappy 时间: 3-10-2018 23:23
本帖最后由 yearshappy 于 3-10-2018 22:25 编辑

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Eat right, stay fit, die anyway.

What did Bacon say Tomato? Lettuce get together.

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!

What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.

作者: freeozvisitor 时间: 6-10-2018 07:12

作者: freeozvisitor 时间: 6-10-2018 07:13

作者: freeozvisitor 时间: 6-10-2018 07:16

作者: freeozvisitor 时间: 6-10-2018 07:26

作者: freeozvisitor 时间: 6-10-2018 07:27

作者: freeozvisitor 时间: 6-10-2018 07:30

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