FreeOZ论坛

标题: 【雅思作文】请学霸帮忙看看能有6分吗？ [打印本页]

作者: chingwu 时间: 20-10-2013 22:05
标题: 【雅思作文】请学霸帮忙看看能有6分吗？
一鸭921也是类似两段式的文章（因素，措施），没写好只有5.5，这次请学霸帮忙看看，能有6分吗？

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
What other measures do you think might be effective?

As the number of vehicles is increasing, some people believe that the most effective means of tackling the growing traffic and pollution problems is to raise the price of petrol. In my opinion, it is not by far a constructive suggestion and there are other alternative ways to solve the problems.

Although it is widely accepted that the raised price of petrol would definitely reduce its consumption, the traffic and pollution problems could not necessarily be solved. The pricy petrol could not compress people’s demand of vehicles. Working people who live far away from their office building can choose a fuel-efficient car instead. The consequence is that the unchanged number of vehicles on the road could not mitigate the traffic congestion. In addition, there are some alternatives to petrol, such as diesel. Companies can promote their diesel vehicles to avoid the loss caused by the low sales of petrol vehicles. In term of carbon emission, the increasing consumption of diesel cannot be justified by the reduction in petrol consumption.

I believe, therefore, that other approaches should be taken to tackle the problems. On the on hand, the government should increase investment in public transport system. Wider roads should be built to accommodate more vehicles running on the road at the same time. Public forms of transport, such as subway, can also discourage people from driving their own cars. On the other hand, new energy cars should be encouraged to buy. The government should provide an allowance to those who buy an electric car and establish more electric charging station at appropriate sites.

In conclusion, expensive petrol has no direct impact on the traffic and pollution reduction, whereas a solid infrastructure of transport and a widespread usage of electric cars can play a vital role in solving the problems.

作者: wisezmz 时间: 21-10-2013 13:24
看了第一段，感觉还不错，结果却越看越心焦。

第二段说理太弱： fuel-efficient car 不就是减轻污染的举措之一吗，你说对解决问题没帮助这不是自打嘴巴吗？另外，题目提到了交通问题和污染问题，应该分开两段分别进行论述，这比混合在一段更加条理清晰。

第三段，tackle就不能找个同义词进行替换吗？on one hand……on the other hand 这个词组不适合用在你这里的逻辑关系，不要把这个词组直接理解成中文的“一方面……另一方面”。“The government should provide an allowance to those who buy an electric car and establish more electric charging station at appropriate sites.” 你这里说政府应该支持电动车，但你上面不是说了即使换成省油车，车的总量没有改变，也没有帮助吗？再次自打嘴巴。

综上所述，给你5.5。

作者: chingwu 时间: 21-10-2013 16:17

wisezmz 发表于 21-10-2013 13:24

登录/注册后可看大图

看了第一段，感觉还不错，结果却越看越心焦。

第二段说理太弱： fuel-efficient car 不就是减轻污染的举 ...

惹 6分看来还是有点难度哦
26号的考试千万别死在写作上

我再去写两篇

作者: chingwu 时间: 21-10-2013 16:31

wisezmz 发表于 21-10-2013 13:24

登录/注册后可看大图

看了第一段，感觉还不错，结果却越看越心焦。

第二段说理太弱： fuel-efficient car 不就是减轻污染的举 ...

我的逻辑的两因两果是分别针对 traffic和pollution的
1.汽油价格上升不能降低汽车销量需求量，人们会选择省油的车，所以traffic的问题不能解决
2.汽油价格上升人们会选择柴油的车，所以pollution的问题不能解决

1.交通基建解决traffic的问题
2.电动车解决pollution的问题
放在一起可能容易混淆
每一个单独并不能对traffic和pollution整体有效

这篇文章的范文是分开写的
先说解决traffic的问题，然后再递进解决pollution的问题

我的文章没有这样类似递进的表述所以产生了混淆
看来这类涉及局限性解决方案的文章
也就是说没有一个方案是可以即解决traffic 又解决pollution的
逻辑确实需要好好想想

作者: wisezmz 时间: 21-10-2013 18:19
本帖最后由 wisezmz 于 21-10-2013 18:54 编辑

Currently, an increasing number of people believe that the best way to tackle the problems led by heavy traffic and pollution should be enhancing the price of fuel. To me, I mainly agree with this view.

Firstly, it is obvious that the root cause of bumper-to-bumper traffic in cities is the large number of vehicles on roads. This means that if we could reduce the number of cars driving downtown, the traffic flow would definitely be much faster in rush hours. So, the increased price of fossil fuel would surely discourage individuals to drive their cars as frequently as before, and subsequently result in a fewer amount of automoblies running on roads at the same time.

Moreover, I think the exhaust fumes discharged by vehicles would be a significant factor contributing to air pollution. Consequently, pricy petrol would also play a key role in revolutionizing the consuming favor of citizens in the aspect of purchasing cars, from choosing high fuel-consumption autos to prefering fuel-efficient ones. As a result, the air would become more and more clean gradually.

However, that is not to say that we could resolve all the problems automatically only by raising the cost of consuming petrol. In fact, the government should take some effective steps to fulfill the traffic needs of people who are willing to abandon their private cars. One of them, I suggest, should be building more public transport facilities, including buses, trams and subways, so as to facilitate the commuting of citizens without driving. Another one should be allocating more funds to develop eco-friendly means of transportation, like solar cars, in order to achieve the long-term target of environmental protection.

In sum, the raise of petrol's price would certainly be helpful to deal with both the traffic congestion and pollution problems. But we still need to pay attention to other solutions. Only by doing so can we creat a dynamic and sustainable environment in metropolises.

作者: darrenlee 时间: 21-10-2013 18:32
几分不知道,不是考官,手里没有评分细则.
不过我觉得楼主写跑题了.
题目是the best way to solve the problem,而不是a feasible/efficient way to solve the problem.也就是说题目已经默认提高油价在某种程度上了可以解决问题,但问的是还有没有更好的办法.所有得找到一个更好的办法与之比较才符合题目意思.

作者: wisezmz 时间: 21-10-2013 18:40

darrenlee 发表于 21-10-2013 18:32

登录/注册后可看大图

几分不知道,不是考官,手里没有评分细则.
不过我觉得楼主写跑题了.
题目是the best way to solve the prob ...

我赞成你的观点。关于讨论best way的题目，没必要去推翻其假设性前提，因为这种假设通常是比较常识性的东西，要推翻不容易。

作者: darrenlee 时间: 21-10-2013 18:44

wisezmz 发表于 21-10-2013 18:40

登录/注册后可看大图

我赞成你的观点。关于讨论best way的题目，没必要去推翻其假设性前提，因为这种假设通常是比较常识性的东 ...

你的写法真是很聪明,干脆就同意了,省心省力

作者: chingwu 时间: 21-10-2013 19:17

darrenlee 发表于 21-10-2013 18:32

登录/注册后可看大图

几分不知道,不是考官,手里没有评分细则.
不过我觉得楼主写跑题了.
题目是the best way to solve the prob ...

跑题很严重的说我得好好推敲推敲

作者: wisezmz 时间: 22-10-2013 11:39

chingwu 发表于 21-10-2013 19:17

登录/注册后可看大图

跑题很严重的说我得好好推敲推敲

写作最重要是评分项目是TR，这项不过关，堆砌再多的华丽辞藻也没用。所以，你得先练练如何用五分钟时间写出一个好的提纲。

欢迎光临 FreeOZ论坛 (https://www.freeoz.org/bbs/)