12.7 G类大作文，6分，回忆，望轻喷
本帖最后由 qiuxan 于 3-1-2014 19:38 编辑大作文科技让越来越多人可以长寿到100,200岁，这是好还是坏，你的观点？
In the context of technical development, a growing number of people are expected to live longer. Some individuals believe it is good, whilst others concern about it. In this essay, this phenomenon will be discussed.
Those who think it can cause problems may hold the view that the soaring number of elderly people would be a heavy burden of the society. That is mainly because the welfare of these elder people will cost considerable money, and the youth will have to pay a lot of tax to support this public welfare. As a result of that, the living quality of young people will be impacted negatively.
On the other hand, others who believe this trend is a good thing might argue that the youth can learn a lot of life experience from the growing number of old people.This is due primarily to the fact that these old people may have much more experience than young people. If the senior citizens are willing to share their experience, the youth would be more mature. Therefore, these young people are more likely to adopt to a new environment and less likely to make mistakes.
In my opinion, the increasing number of elderly people enables people to have a whole family. Therefore their feeling of well-being will be raised. In contrast, in the past, people could not live as longer as they do today, so some people could not even see their grandparents. They might more or less feel a loss of their life. Being able to see more family will help people lead a happy life, and this is particularly important in countries where people place emphasis on family members.
In conclusion, although there is a concern of the growing number of elders, I believe it will bring more benefits.
可以看见，lz考试的时候觉得这题很简单，写in conclusion 的时候正好监考说 还剩下20分钟，后面20分钟全部用来检查了，可是考完和GF（同时考试最后GF作文7分，虽然她福利拼错了）讨论后才发现，题目没看完整，完全忽视了 科技，一次也没提到，大家想考7 真心建议题目先审 5分钟再下笔! 题目里每个名词和每个动词都很重要！！！
ps： a good thing我知道 用的很遭，我看过这篇http://www.freeoz.org/ibbs/thread-968114-1-1.html ，但是题目是这么写的我才大胆的抄下去的！：）
楼主文章写得还行。
In my opinion,那一段，感觉有点啰嗦。还不如在第一段表明态度，然后这一段当做论点。 门外汉1982 发表于 26-12-2013 23:59 static/image/common/back.gif
楼主文章写得还行。
In my opinion,那一段，感觉有点啰嗦。还不如在第一段表明态度，然后这一段当做论点。
这是discuss both sides and give your own view的哦的～ 我也写写看，一起进步。
Modern technical development, especially in medical science, helps people live longer. Some worry about the burden imposed by these elder people ,whilst others tend to view a longer life expectancy with positive attitudes. In my opinion, I agree with the idea thatindividuals can benefit from this trend.
Those who see elderly people asa heavy burden of the society may base on the fact that aging releated problems have become a very serious issue amoung many countries. This is maily because it costsconsiderable money to support or faciliate the elders' lives , as a consequence, the working people have to pay more taxes, decreasing other's peopleliving standards.
On the other hand, the society can benefit from the knowledge and experience of old people. With decades of work experience and comprehensive knowledge in a specific area, old people can impart their knowledge to younger generation, helping the country develop its economy and gain competitive advantages.
Another benefit of increasingly elderly people is to enable more people to have a whole family. Nowadays , children have more chances to spend their childhood with their grandparents. According to sociological research, a big and complete family can help people lead a happier life becausethe emotional ties amoung faimily memberswhich can be can be strengthed can increase people's social well-being dramatically.
In conclusion, the growing number of elders may cause social problems to our society. However, more benefits can be given to people in terms of elderly people's knowldge and positive effects on family members.
Those who think it can cause problems may hold the view that soaring number of elderly people be a heavy burden of the society
严重语法错误：从句中的be 应为would be。
the youth a lot of life experience from the growing number of old people
另一严重语法错误：从句中缺失谓语。
门外汉1982 发表于 27-12-2013 00:34 static/image/common/back.gif
我也写写看，一起进步。
Modern technical development, especially in medical science, helps people...
1207的题目是argument-led，要求discuss both sides。你这文章的结构完全不符合题目要求。 wisezmz 发表于 27-12-2013 02:49 static/image/common/back.gif
Those who think it can cause problems may hold the view that soaring number of elderly people be a h ...
谢谢提醒，这是打字漏的，这样的错手写根本不可能有～ 本帖最后由 qiuxan 于 27-12-2013 09:19 编辑
门外汉1982 发表于 27-12-2013 00:34 static/image/common/back.gif
我也写写看，一起进步。
Modern technical development, especially in medical science, helps people...
不提科技就算跑题的，我这篇就跑题了，加上结构和语法错误，您这篇恕我直言，未必能拿到您两次得成绩5.5. 误会了，我是改写楼主的文章。
主要的意思是没变的，只是把句子整理一下。
门外汉1982 发表于 27-12-2013 00:34 static/image/common/back.gif
我也写写看，一起进步。
Modern technical development, especially in medical science, helps people...
我觉得你还需要加强语法和单词，至少“amoung”这样的错误是要尽量减少的，好几处主谓不一致会扣很多分，连贯性还需要加强，楼主文章的连贯性比你改写后的要好一些，逻辑论证不够合理论点和支持句关系不紧密，综上，楼主能得6分，你改写的文章5~5.5分，一家之言仅供参考，共同切磋一起进步，祝早日拿到理想分数。 斗胆说下我的感觉,看完之后感觉所用句式比较简单和单一,没有很出彩的句子,不知道这种情况是不是用一两句模板里的句子会好一点.
PS,我没烤过雅思,也没背过模板,现在正在复习中,完全自学. tomo 发表于 27-12-2013 17:01 static/image/common/back.gif
斗胆说下我的感觉,看完之后感觉所用句式比较简单和单一,没有很出彩的句子,不知道这种情况是不是用一两句模板 ...
一切语法错误都是出在尝试用难长句失败，7分其实是刚及格，就是4个评分标准都没有大错或者很多小错，恬不知耻的说一句，这个作文要是没离题（很容易，body段每段多写一个science makes），这就是一篇7分的作文。原因，我女朋友平时我们互相改作文，她和我用的几乎是相同的系统，考前就复习了一周，考后回忆还说welfare拼成了wellfare，最后她作文得分是7。 为什么说没提到科技就是跑题？科技让人可以活到1,200岁，只要谈活这么久的利弊就可以了吧？跟科技好像不搭界嘛 tomo 发表于 27-12-2013 17:01 static/image/common/back.gif
斗胆说下我的感觉,看完之后感觉所用句式比较简单和单一,没有很出彩的句子,不知道这种情况是不是用一两句模板 ...
当然你的目标是8的话，又是一个新系统，考的是词汇量，要求用词“又准又狠”，一旦为了狠而放弃准，直接会掉到6分以下，单纯准的话，会掉到7～建议方法是拿一本纸制的英文版的oxford advanced learner's dictionary，遇到有意思的词，查例句和collocation。 apple-zhu 发表于 27-12-2013 18:37 static/image/common/back.gif
为什么说没提到科技就是跑题？科技让人可以活到1,200岁，只要谈活这么久的利弊就可以了吧？跟科技好像不搭界 ...
说得好，我是站在你一边的，我也没有提科技，要是出分前有人说非得提到科技我也会这么问的；但这是和我同一天考试的GF看了我还原的作文后告诉我的～我们一起考她得了7我只有6～因为分低，所以不得不服～ qiuxan 发表于 27-12-2013 18:40 static/image/common/back.gif
当然你的目标是8的话，又是一个新系统，考的是词汇量，要求用词“又准又狠”，一旦为了狠而放弃准，直接会 ...
我倒是觉得楼主的词汇量还是可以的,至少有的词我是永远想不起来用的.
估计我是看甚小咦的书看的吧,他对于超拽的句子有分析,比如一个句子里面有主动被动的转换,定语从句前置后置之类的比较,
不过对于一般的作文来说,总是if ... would...,或者通篇都是短句子的,未免觉得单调一点. tomo 发表于 27-12-2013 20:04 static/image/common/back.gif
我倒是觉得楼主的词汇量还是可以的,至少有的词我是永远想不起来用的.
估计我是看甚小咦的书看的吧,他 ...
刘洪波 said I quote “高分文章一定是考官看了一拍桌子‘好文章！’而不是 一拍桌子‘好语法！’。” 我从来没有试过小姨那套，但是我觉得为了写复杂句而写复杂句，作为一个母语是中文的人，肯定会乱掉，雅思的第一要务是能够把事情说清楚，然后才是词汇，复杂句只是为了把事情说清楚的一个手段（为了说明原因用原因状语从句because或者due to，或者therefore，为了说明结果用结果状语从句，提到两样东西并列用and，加上为了说清楚一群人的动作用的定语从句），复杂句不是目的，更不是主要考核指标（四大评分标准的GAR——语法准确度和宽度，语法宽度只有1/8的权重，唐突的加小姨那些天外飞仙的的句子，会影响整篇文章的可读性的；并且我觉得前面那些括号里的东西都有的话，GR已经不低了）。你可以看看这考官写的范文 http://ielts-simon.com/ ，我只能说这是我参考各路神仙，对比各种理论后，个人理解的雅思写作，你也可以减持小姨那套，我也确实认识有个同学用小姨那套得了一次7分（口语没过），但是那同学据我所知大部分时间都是在挣扎得～ qiuxan 发表于 27-12-2013 18:48 static/image/common/back.gif
说得好，我是站在你一边的，我也没有提科技，要是出分前有人说非得提到科技我也会这么问的；但这是和我同 ...
能否把你女朋友的作文贴出来给我们看看？一比较就知道问题在哪里了。 wisezmz 发表于 28-12-2013 19:43 static/image/common/back.gif
能否把你女朋友的作文贴出来给我们看看？一比较就知道问题在哪里了。
她回忆不了了～没过的人才会各种回忆各种找错～过了就没动力了～ qiuxan 发表于 27-12-2013 20:43 static/image/common/back.gif
刘洪波 said I quote “高分文章一定是考官看了一拍桌子‘好文章！’而不是 一拍桌子‘好语法！’。” 我 ...
这个倒是提醒我了,我没打算写那么复杂的句子,一篇文章里有个把句子出彩就不错了,不过看范文,那些句子确实流畅,不会不知所云,而且比较少用难词大词
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