剑一G类小作文，求评分！够6吗？

nicoleflopy

吸取tx们意见，不断改进中。。此为最新版

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各位同学，我查了下overdrawn这个单词，原词是：
overdraft，n. 透支；透支额 vt. 透支

An overdraft occurs when withdrawals from a bank account exceed the available balance. In this situation a person is said to be "overdrawn".

变成 overdrawn后：
v. 透支；夸张；张拉过度（overdraw的过去分词）

adj. 1. 透支的2. 描述过分的，夸张的，夸大的

由此，之前把 overdrawn当成名词用是不对的，题目里是当过去分词用的。所以我把它们改成overdraft了。
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Dear Sir,

I would like to make a complaint about the bank statement I recently received from your bank. It states that I will be charged a $70 fee directly from my account for a $240 overdraft, which I believe is a mistake.

I'm sure that I have never spent this $240 for anything as I have checked all my shopping receipts from this month which I usually collect everytime when I buying something in case of any further confusing. Besides, as you may refer to my bank record, I have had this account for a few years now and have kept excellent records upon using it.

I am sure you will agree that this is a most unsatisfactory situation. Therefore, I hope you can investigate my complaint, and respond by the last day you have set for me to pay that $70. Or I will be insisting a full refund of that.

Yours sincerely,

Joe Jones


=======同样的题目，我家主申的作文【以下，已根据 clarkli 同学发来的整篇修改，大刀阔斧的修改过了！已经背离原著甚远。。。这篇分数应该高过6分了吧。。。经过clarkli同学的修改意见，把原来平实中文化的英语，变得学术了起来，膜拜~ 】

Dear Sir，

I am writing to complain about a mistake in my bank account, which claims an overdraft that in fact does not exist. I have been using this account for many years, and I was quite satisfied about your sevice until recently I received a letter announcing that my account was $240 overdrawn, as a consequence of the nonexistent overdraft, I am even demanded to pay $70.

Last week, I wanted to buy two books on information technology through your online store, but the truth is, I failed to make the purchase because your website was accidently out of service. After several tries, I finally gave up. But why do you still charge me despite the fact that I did not order the books successfully and have not received them? I myself have also checked the records of last two months from the bank's website which show clearly that my account has never been overdrawn.

I believe the letter was sent by mistake. So I request you to recheck the records of my bank account. I will appreciate if you can give me a reply as soon as possible.


Yours sincerely,
xxx

[ 本帖最后由 nicoleflopy 于 7-8-2010 16:00 编辑 ]

Rowez

可以试试发到Lang-8上。。。

nicoleflopy

原帖由 Rowez 于 6-8-2010 14:55 发表

                               
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可以试试发到Lang-8上。。。

我来搜搜是哪块哦。。

哎，我之前看到一些同学的雅思经验贴，提到其它的雅思论坛，我跑去看了看。。。都非常不舒服，为什么freeoz可以维护得这么舒服的版面呢！
3g雅思网、太傻雅思论坛、滴答。。。这些地方充斥这广告和无用信息，版面很不舒服。。。我一点看不下去。。。。

所以，还是老实在这里了。

clarkli

Druing recent month, I have never spend this $240 anywhere.

单复数，时态。

nicoleflopy

原帖由 clarkli 于 6-8-2010 16:01 发表

                               
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Druing recent month, I have never spend this $240 anywhere.

单复数，时态。

恩，应该用 spent

可以用recent month吗，我原意是想说最近的一个月。账单是按月出，所以我想说最近的一个月。

nicoleflopy

原帖由 Rowez 于 6-8-2010 14:55 发表

                               
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可以试试发到Lang-8上。。。

我注册了。。。贴了，暂时还没有人帮我改。。。等着。。。。

不行了，准备回去拍淘宝上的改作文和口语。。。。

nicoleflopy

5，很快。收到邮件，有人帮我改了。。学习中

nicoleflopy

Dear Sir,

I wish to make a complaint about the bank statement I recently received from you. It stated that you will be charging【这样可以吗？】 me $70 directly from my account for $240 overdrawn. I believe there is a mistake.

I have had this bank account for a few years now and have kept good records upon using it. I have never spent this $240 for anything in recent months. I'm sure of it especially after I checked all my shopping receipts from this month. I usually collect all my shopping receipts, so if there is anying confusing I can refer to them.

I am sure you will agree that this is a most unsatisfactory situation. Therefore, I request you to investigate my complaint, and respond by the last day you have set for me to pay that $70. Or I will be insisting【这样可以吗？】 a full refund of that.

Yours sincerely,

Joe Jones

[ 本帖最后由 nicoleflopy 于 6-8-2010 17:12 编辑 ]

wj22

建议LZ下次最好连题目一起放上来.

Dear Sir,

I wish to make a complaint about the bank statement I recently receivedfrom you. It stated that you will be charging【这样可以吗？】 me $70 directlyfrom my account for $240 overdrawn. I believe there is a mistake.

1.wish-->礼貌点的用would like to,语气直接的就用want
2.make  ---> lodge
3.from you -->from your bank
4. It stated-->It states
5. It states that I was charged with a $70 fee for a $240 overdrawn.
6. 需要在第二句和最后一句间加连接词,这样语意会顺一点.

I have had this bank account for a few years now and have kept goodrecords upon using it. I have never spent this $240 for anything inrecent months. I'm sure of it especially after I checked all myshopping receipts from this month. I usually collect all my shoppingreceipts, so if there is anying confusing I can refer to them.

1.这一段有点乱,应该一开始就讲问题出在哪里.这样与上一段就接上了.然后再讲你的证据有多么可信.
2.第二句放在第一句前
3.have kept good records upon using it ---> have kept detailed records of all my banking activities.
4.第二句需要调整,语意表达比较不清.
5第三句开始就比较乱了.


I am sure you will agree that this is a most unsatisfactory situation.Therefore, I request you to investigate my complaint, and respond bythe last day you have set for me to pay that $70. Or I will beinsisting【这样可以吗？】 a full refund of that.

1.LZ的语气时弱时强,需要统一一下. 这段的语气太硬了.

Yours sincerely,

Joe Jones

LZ的写作语法错误不多,但语意比较不清晰,段与段之间,句与句之间结构比较松.另外,投诉的语气(特别是最后一段)有点过硬了.

语之玫瑰

I have found the records during last two months（这句好奇怪...为啥用完成时） queried from the bank's website show obviously that my account has never been overdrawn, so does the online book store.

nicoleflopy

Dear Sir,

I would like to make a complaint about the bank statement I recently received from your bank. It states that I will be charged a $70 fee directly from my account for a $240 overdrawn, which I believe is a mistake.

2.make  ---> lodge =>我搜了下，是控告的意思，make a complaint是抱怨的意思。这里抱怨合适点？
5. It states that I was charged with a $70 fee for a $240 overdrawn. =>之前没附上题目，题目里说的是将要charge，所以我理解是还没有charge。

I'm sure that I have never spent this $240 for anything as I have checked all my shopping receipts from this month which I usually collect everytime when I buying something in case of any further confusing. Besides, as you may refer to my bank record, I have had this account for a few years now and have kept excellent records upon using it.

I am sure you will agree that this is a most unsatisfactory situation. Therefore, I hope you can investigate my complaint, and respond by the last day you have set for me to pay that $70. Or I will be insisting a full refund of that.

Yours sincerely,

Joe Jones

[ 本帖最后由 nicoleflopy 于 6-8-2010 18:29 编辑 ]

lwb1123

原帖由 nicoleflopy 于 6-8-2010 17:09 发表

                               
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Dear Sir,

I wish to make a complaint about the bank statement I recently received from you. It stated that you will be charging【这样可以吗？】 me $70 directly from my account for $240 overdrawn. I ...

那两处可以那么用

nicoleflopy

的确，我看了下主申写的，感觉平和多了，我太sharp了。。。

nicoleflopy

谢谢，记到笔记里了。

nicoleflopy

原帖由 小小白虎 于 6-8-2010 18:11 发表

                               
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I have found the records during last two months（这句好奇怪...为啥用完成时） queried from the bank's website show obviously that my account has never been overdrawn, so does the online book store.

恩，同意。我竟然没改出来这个。。。。

谢谢你的comment，已经改了，在1楼，请阅~

[ 本帖最后由 nicoleflopy 于 6-8-2010 18:39 编辑 ]

ufc94

看了一下第二篇的，觉的下面句子都有问题哦。。。
which I suspect might be a mistake
I have used this greatly served bank
I received a letter announced there was $240 overdrawn, as a consequence, I am demanded to pay $70 for it
I want to buy ...
but I failed to book them...
I have queried...
...website which show clearly that...
So I request you to...
I will appreciate ...

有不少Chinenglish，另外标点符号也需要注意，comma 和 full stop.
另外批改是 correct （+ion） 是不是正确些 ?
本人作文就5分水平啊，惭愧...

leciel95

原帖由 nicoleflopy 于 6-8-2010 16:04 发表

                               
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恩，应该用 spent

可以用recent month吗，我原意是想说最近的一个月。账单是按月出，所以我想说最近的一个月。

单数要有冠词定冠词，复数名词可以单独出现
最近一个月 就是上个月 就during the last month吧 免得研究了

leciel95

in the past month 我觉得更简单些 不知道这样是否比较chinglish

woailvzi

我觉得6分应该没有问题。

大鼻子狐狸

副申作文的第一句感觉别扭，令人有强烈的中式英语感觉。主申的就好多了。

nicoleflopy

原帖由 大鼻子狐狸 于 7-8-2010 12:25 发表

                               
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副申作文的第一句感觉别扭，令人有强烈的中式英语感觉。主申的就好多了。

非常感谢！！！我家主申一直对自己英语很不自信，我告诉他你的话，感觉他安慰了不少！我也觉得他写的比我有条理！

nicoleflopy

多谢~

nicoleflopy

原帖由 leciel95 于 7-8-2010 04:29 发表

                               
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单数要有冠词定冠词，复数名词可以单独出现
最近一个月 就是上个月 就during the last month吧 免得研究了

谢谢！这么基础的语法问题。。。我竟然忽略了，而且被提醒后还不醒悟。。。。
单数要有a或者zhe才能出来，自个不能出来溜达。。。

nicoleflopy

原帖由 ufc94 于 7-8-2010 03:29 发表

                               
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看了一下第二篇的，觉的下面句子都有问题哦。。。
which I suspect might be a mistake
I have used this greatly served bank
I received a letter announced there was $240 overdrawn, as a consequence, I am ...

不情之请，可以给出改进建议么

clarkli

随便看看，可能我说的也是错的，求拍。
第一句语法不太对。

which I suspect might be a mistake
语法

I have used this greatly served bank
have been using也许更好

I received a letter announced there was $240 overdrawn, as a consequence, I am demanded to pay $70 for it
announced改为announcing，句子又有点偏零散

3WU

原帖由 clarkli 于 7-8-2010 14:22 发表

                               
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随便看看，可能我说的也是错的，求拍。
第一句语法不太对。

which I suspect might be a mistake
语法

I have used this greatly served bank
have been using也许更好

I received a letter announced t ...

不要乱用  announce....建议使用 advise

3WU

看着LZ 第一段 尤其第一句就觉得别扭。  总是觉得哪个 “complaint ”  用的如此生硬。 后来看了看题目， 明确地发现，这个词这里用的不合理。

银行写错帐单这属于很正常的事情。作为顾客，需要做的是  指出错误，最严重的时候也只是  declare  你从来没有超资。只有当银行服务态度不好，没有对错误改正的时候，作为顾客 才会使用  complaint.?  你觉得呢？

第二句，为什么非要在数字前加一个 a  后面加一个 fee  呢？ 这句话确实很中文。
It stated that you will be charging【这样可以吗？】 me $70 directly from my account for $240 overdrawn. I believe there is a mistake.
没必要用超级复杂的时态。如果要用，也要确定用的合适。  流畅是 6分的基本标准。不会用复杂单词，复杂句，还不如用确保正确的简单短句，简单词汇。

献丑随便举个例子:  It states that I will be charged $70 directely from my accout due to my $240 overdrawn this month.

3WU

给你一个提示，在每写新一段的时候，想好你的中心句。
比如你的第二段，一共只有2大局。 通常一段至少有3句。大部分是4句。 第一句是中心句。最后一句是总结句。

这是写信，全文第一句应该说明你写信的目的。

你的例证听上去比较牵强。如果你真的想说  "anyting"..我建议你直接说，我已经很久没有用这个account  了。通常帐户上的取款都是写着取款时间和地点的。所以。你也可以说  取款的地方离你家非常非常的远。

总体来说。觉得例证牵强而且想象空间不足够。句子基本用法有误，不流畅。书信基本结构不完整

[ 本帖最后由 3WU 于 7-8-2010 15:28 编辑 ]

3WU

主申的书信，无论是想象空间还是结构都要舒服很多。

但是要注意几点：  
1。想好每一段的中心句和最后的归纳句。
2.。故事的逻辑有点混乱： 既然写信对象是 bank....第二段买书的时候怎么会是：”your online store“，感觉是不是骂错人了？
3. 第三段只有一句话。感觉没有例证完毕。建议： 你可以说你有 当时的online  record..然后  在信中附上 这个statement  之类的。

nicoleflopy

原帖由 3WU 于 7-8-2010 15:17 发表

                               
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看着LZ 第一段 尤其第一句就觉得别扭。  总是觉得哪个 “complaint ”  用的如此生硬。 后来看了看题目， 明确地发现，这个词这里用的不合理。

银行写错帐单这属于很正常的事情。作为顾客，需要做的是  指出错误， ...

痛苦。。。

痛定之后。。。

1。我觉得你说的有道理的。作为一封普通的表示不满的信。。。不需要那么严重的对待对方。。。。

2。的确没有 a fee 的说法。。。。

3。 是一个native Speaker 帮我改成be charging 的，其实我都不会这么用。。。。