我的习作：远程办公

timebirds

working at home by using modern technology benefits workers only, but not the employers. To what extent do you agree or disagree.（题目要求是远程办公仅仅惠泽员工，而非老板，你的观点？）

Modern technology has brought significant changes to our lives in recent years and makes it possible for employees to work at home instead of office. Some people argue that this lifestyle just benefit the employees rather than employers. However, from my point of view, not only the employees but also the employers can benefit greatly from such kind of working style.

The first merit of telecommuting is saving time. It is clear that employees benefit from this state-of-the-art technology. A recent survey conducted by Tsinghua University reveals that more than 50% of commuters spent more than 2 hours on road. However, it also shows that more than 80% of the interviewees say that they prefer to work at home longer than in office. So employers also benefit from time-saving telecommuting.

Secondly but more importantly, telecommuting can benefit employers more if we take emotion and psychology factors into account. Research shows that worry about late for working and bad traffic condition has become the No.1 stressor instead of marriage problems. Many employees become exhausted and fall in low spirit after a long journey to office and most of them may fall into road rage if traffic jam occurred. Imaging that a tired office woman rushed into her box office or an irritated programmer powered on his computer and begin to debug his program, do you believe their work will be efficient and fruitful? Telecommuting will benefit the employers in terms of keeping the employees in good emotion and high spirit by kicking away the stressor.

In conclusion, I reaffirm my position again that not only the employees but also the employers will benefit from telecommuting. I believe that it will become more and more popular in the future with the development of information technology and more people will benefit from it.

hxuanyu

看起来不错哈

liaowhy

写的真好。我可写不出来。
你的最后一段，more and more。这几天看十天突破写作的书，上面说，这样的用法太口语化了，最后用increasingly+形容词替换一下。
5号那场考试，我就用More and more。
我的写作5.5，我都没敢去复议。

timebirds

有道理。英语这个东西就是要日积月累。

原帖由 liaowhy 于 29-12-2009 20:17 发表

                               
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写的真好。我可写不出来。
你的最后一段，more and more。这几天看十天突破写作的书，上面说，这样的用法太口语化了，最后用increasingly+形容词替换一下。
5号那场考试，我就用More and more。
我的写作5.5，我都 ...

pingorliu

十天突破的语句， 用了不少

JamesHu

老兄的作文看起来没以前行云流水了，模板的味道越来越重了，说，是不是借鉴了！

kevinsun

我考，看了下我都能背下来了，这模板的痕迹，好清晰啊

完了，我也背了好多模板，现在有强迫症了，一写文章就是用模板

sth has brought significant changes to our lives in recent years and brabra

In conclusion, I reaffirm my position again that brabra

liaowhy

现在中国考生谈模板色变.
我看了十天那本书,还觉得挺好的.说的我都不敢看了.

sunny_ye

LZ的文章有些逻辑不清。 第二段前面写的是员工可以节省时间，最后一句说老板也可以得到好处，然而并没有支持老板得到好处的支持句，所有最后一句写的很奇怪。
第三段开头也很怪，Secondly but more importantly,， 既然是其次，何来更加重要之说。
简单改一下：
Secondly, taking emotion and psychology factors into account,  employers could get great benefit from telecommuting.

奉劝LZ不要用模板，即使要用，也必须组织出自己的专有模板，否则很难拿到6。

wj22

总体算是比较流畅,但是跑题了. 原题重点是 working at home by using modern technology benefits workers only, butnot the employers. telecommunication 只是 modern technology 的一种, 全文只着重telecommunication,而且结尾也如此,不禁让人觉得跑题. 其实适当的修改一下,注重用词,问题就可以解决.
Modern technology has brought significant changes to our lives inrecent years and makes it possible for employees to work at homeinstead of office. Some people argue that this lifestyle just benefitthe employees rather than employers. However, from my point of view,not only the employees but also the employers can benefit greatly fromsuch kind of working style.澳洲移民互助论坛|澳洲华人|澳大利亚DIY移民,生活,工作,兴趣互助平台 - 我为人人，人人为我3 f, n8 n1 _! W' O6 D

1)总体感觉不错,但有些地方需要注意,具体见下.
2)开头句不错,但建议把并列改成转折,这样更应题: xxxxxx in recent years such that xxxxxxxxxxx
3) instead of office ---> instead of in the office
4)just benefit ---> just benefits
5) rather than ---> but not , 如果想用rather than, only benefits xxxx rather than
6) employers ---> the employers
7)注意连接, 上句用lifestyle,这句用working style, 语意上不连接.


% Q8 h! \. C8 k/ D' `$\澳洲华人,澳洲移民,澳洲自助移民,澳洲移民DIY,澳大利亚自助移民,澳大利亚移民DIY,澳洲生活,澳洲留学,澳大利亚留学,澳大利亚生活,澳洲租房,澳洲工作,澳洲华人论坛,澳大利亚华人论坛,澳大利亚中国人论坛,澳洲中国人论坛,澳洲移民非中介,澳大利亚移民非中介,旅游,论坛,我为人人,人人为我The first merit of telecommuting is saving time. It is clearthat employees benefit from this state-of-the-art technology. A recentsurvey conducted by Tsinghua University reveals that more than 50% ofcommuters spent more than 2 hours on road. However, it also shows thatmore than 80% of the interviewees say that they prefer to work at homelonger than in office. So employers also benefit from time-savingtelecommuting.

1) merit 不合适, 建议用用advantage.不要为了展现词汇而在用词的准确性上丢分.
2)原题重点为working at home, 但这里谈的是 telecommuting. 应该先扣住working at home 在以telecommuting为例来展开.
3)"state-of-the-art" ??? 作者想讲明什么? Academic writing 不要过于着色.
4)第三句后应简单讲一下working at home 节省了时间.
5)第三句与第四句不成转折关系. 最好用Furthermore改为递进用以加强节省时间.
6)最后一句与整段关系不明显, 突然间从employee跳到employer
7)benefit 重复出现过多次.
我为人人，人人为我0 e" [6 I; l! N8 R* P8 U
澳洲移民互助论坛|澳洲华人|澳大利亚DIY移民,生活,工作,兴趣互助平台 - 我为人人，人人为我* z7 L1 M8 Q( `% N% t
Secondly but more importantly, telecommuting can benefit employers moreif we take emotion and psychology factors into account. Research showsthat worry about late for working and bad traffic condition has becomethe No.1 stressor instead of marriage problems. Many employees becomeexhausted and fall in low spirit after a long journey to office andmost of them may fall into road rage if traffic jam occurred. Imagingthat a tired office woman rushed into her box office or an irritatedprogrammer powered on his computer and begin to debug his program, doyou believe their work will be efficient and fruitful? Telecommutingwill benefit the employers in terms of keeping the employees in goodemotion and high spirit by kicking away the stressor.

1)建议删去"but more importantly"
2)见上段2
3)worry --> worrying
4)late --> being late
5)working--> work
6)has --> have
7)stressor---> sources of stress
8)删去stress 后的部分,因为过于累赘. 如果真的要这部分,建议改成状语.
9)第三第四句应该简化并注意连接与用词如box office 指的是戏院等地的售票处.www.freeoz.org/bbs% W8 H5 S; B& _& H) E
www.freeoz.org  s, u+ \$ N9 k: h' l
In conclusion, I reaffirm my position again that not only the employeesbut also the employers will benefit from telecommuting. I believe thatit will become more and more popular in the future with the developmentof information technology and more people will benefit from it.

1)reaffirm 既然有 re-就不用跟again了
2)第二句的两个it指示不清.

JamesHu

赞，wj22是个热心同学，当年也给我改过作文！