我的第一篇大作文， 麻烦大牛们帮忙看下：）

pingorliu

Topic:
Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

我的第一篇作文， 从来没写过， 感觉在想论点和论据的时候， 资源还是有点匮乏， 用了大概45分钟， 时间超了：（， 请大家帮我点评一下（自己感觉， 首先开头段有点写的太多）。
字数：390（要求字数251：-））

In the long history of college education, there is a prevalent phenomenon that the gender distributions in different subjects are quite different.Specifically, in the fields of science and engineering, it is obvious that male students are dominant, on the other hand, female students account for a more higher percentage in the fields of nursing and liberal arts. Nowadays, some people argue that universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. From my own perspective, I do not agree with that.

First of all, men have different interests from women.  Because of the different physical makeup, men tend to more logical, while women tend to be more emotional. For instance, when a man and a woman are both ordered to find a place where they have never visit, the men often depends on the map or the GPS. On the contrast, the women depends on the feeling. So after graduating from high schools, male students often select the science subjects, and the female students practically choose the liberal art.  A recent study conducted by the Chinese Academic department revealed that the number of male students in science and engineering fields is twice as the number of female students, Just take my subject-computer science for example, there are about 30 people in our class, but only 3 female students, more terrible subject is the Mining science, all the students in the class are male.

Meanwhile, there is a equality issue in this problem. In China, the number of male students are greater than the number of female students. Providing that the universities are forced to accept the same numbers of men and women, more male intelligent students will lose the opportunity to go to the college. The policy runs contrary to the spirit of equality of education. And if the female students would not select the subjects of science and engineering, as a result, it will waste the precious educational resource and be harmful to the social progress.  

From the foregoing discussion, we can come to a conclusion that we could not force the universities to accept the same numbers of male and female students. We should give more freedom to the universities and to the students as well, only in this way, the college education can contribute to the development of society more efficiently.

hxuanyu

原帖由 pingorliu 于 29-12-2009 18:05 发表

                               
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Topic:
Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

我的第一篇作文， 从来没写过， 感觉在想论点和论据的时候， 资源 ...

第一句我觉得很好。
第二句 Specifically, in the fields of science and engineering, it is obvious that male students are dominant, on the other hand, female students account for a more higher percentage in the fields of nursing and liberal arts
我觉得句子结构可以变一变，你这个我觉得比较古板，个人感觉哈
第三句 Nowadays, 你没发现吗, 其实你第一第二句讲的就是nowadays的事情啊，所以我觉得,  so people have diff xxx 或者别的结构比较好
当然，这个是吹毛求疵，考场上不会想这么多，而且应该也不会影响分数。

第一段里面，我觉得第二句要改，总之改得简练一点

后面的问题，我觉得是太长， 个人认为考官怎么看你的作文，肯定第一是连接词，这个你已经有了，但是论据是不是太多太长，因为考官不会花很多时间在一篇作文上的，他就扫一眼，看一下你的结构，所以我们要给他足够多的能够反映句子结构的词，论据么这么长，他应该也不会仔细读得吧。 你宁可论点多一点，多用结构词，这样文章的结构更清晰

提出论点的结构词，First, second这个大家都会，写论据的时候也要有转折的, in fact, however 之类的

我的霍巴特

5
5。5

pingorliu

继续努力：）

ghrong

第一句虽然不错，但是已经开始出现语法错误了。

In the long history of college education, there is a prevalent phenomenon that the gender distributions ....

既然是 In the long history of...., 为什么后面不是 there has been 呢？

粗略的看了一边，感觉写的还是不错的，语法句式都没有大问题。个人感觉有6分的。

wj22

LZ 审题不细,原题的关键是 Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject

In the long history of college education, there is a prevalent phenomenon that the gender distributions in different subjects are quite different.Specifically, in the fields of science and engineering, it is obvious that male students are dominant, on the other hand, female students account for a more higher percentage in the fields of nursing and liberal arts. Nowadays, some people argue that universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. From my own perspective, I do not agree with that.
1)there is --> there has been
2) gender distributions ....are..--> gender distribution... is...
3)Specifically --> Generally, generally 比较合适
4)"it is obvious that male students are dominant" dominant in what? 因直接指出人数上的优胜
5)on the other hand ---> while
6)more higher --> much higher
7)前两句不错但第三句的一个Nowadays 把整段的机构破坏了. 其实, 改成 As a result, 后面在修改一下就可以了.
8)own perspective --> my opinion 就够了,虽然perspective 有角度,看法的含义,但不适合这样子用.
9) do not agree with "that". 应直接指出不同意的部分,不然语意不清.


First of all, men have different interests from women.  Because of the different physical makeup, men tend to more logical, while women tend to be more emotional. For instance, when a man and a woman are both ordered to find a place where they have never visit, the men often depends on the map or the GPS. On the contrast, the women depends on the feeling. So after graduating from high schools, male students often select the science subjects, and the female students practically choose the liberal art.  A recent study conducted by the Chinese Academic department revealed that the number of male students in science and engineering fields is twice as the number of female students, Just take my subject-computer science for example, there are about 30 people in our class, but only 3 female students, more terrible subject is the Mining science, all the students in the class are male.

1)第一句应在最后加 "所以......." 来应题,而后文就围绕因兴趣的不同而导致选课不同,硬是规定同一科男女数目相同是不合理的来展开就好了.
2)makeup, 没有这个字. make-up 主义为化妆(品), 成分.
3)men tend to more ---> men tend to be more
4)ordered --> asked/required
5)have never visit --> have never visited before
6)On the contrast 一般用于陈述两个不同的观点. 另外最好不要用省略.
7)在举例后,加 "所以....." 来呼应第一句.
8)注意"the" 的用法,上文有不少用不对的地方.
9) 上文过于陈述例子,应该调整一下结构,把各例证结合.另注意句与句之间的连接与上下文的逻辑性.

Meanwhile, there is a equality issue in this problem. In China, the number of male students are greater than the number of female students. Providing that the universities are forced to accept the same numbers of men and women, more male intelligent students will lose the opportunity to go to the college. The policy runs contrary to the spirit of equality of education. And if the female students would not select the subjects of science and engineering, as a result, it will waste the precious educational resource and be harmful to the social progress.  

这段需要改善. 看不出此段与题目问题的关系.
From the foregoing discussion, we can come to a conclusion that we could not force the universities to accept the same numbers of male and female students. We should give more freedom to the universities and to the students as well, only in this way, the college education can contribute to the development of society more efficiently.

审题

步生烟

我觉得比我写的流畅。。。没细看 至少没有模板的痕迹。。

richardzha

有六分.

pingorliu

再次感谢楼上各位大侠的点评， 晚辈收获颇丰， 我一定再接再厉，

pingorliu

wj22, 点评的非常到位， 一定要加强审题

rommi

不知道是否偏题
不看题目 光看内容 6.5分  评分完毕