作文求修改

JamesHu

今天看到有同学贴出自己的作文，很多热情的同志帮忙修改，太感动了。
我考了三次，作文两次5.5，一次6，总觉得作文难写，把最近苦心写的作文贴上来，恳请大家提意见，谢谢了！
小作文
You ordered a new cheque book from your bank two weeks ago but you have received nothing.

Write a letter to the manager complaining about the bad service. Say when and how you ordered the cheque book. Ask how much longer you will have to wait and ask the manager what action he will take over this matter.
You should write at least 150 words.

You do NOT need to write your own address. Begin your letter as follows:

Dear Sir or Madam
I am writing this letter in order to complain about the bad service of your bank that I received recently.
I have been a customer of your bank for three years. On 8th June, I ordered a new cheque book from your bank considering that I plan to take my holiday next month. It would take me a large amount of money for the holiday as my family members will come with me. As usual, I believe the cheque book would arrive after five working days. However, two weeks have past and I haven’t received the cheque book until now.
Last week I called to your bank for asking the arriving date of my cheque book. One employee of your bank, whose name is Jason Wong, took my call and inform me that he will check the arriving date and offer me a reason that my cheque book was so late. However, I don’t receive any phone call from him or any other employees of yours. I was wondering if it is possible for you to check my cheque book. Furthermore, your service of customer’s response should be improved, otherwise your bank will lose more customers.
I am looking forward to receive your response. Your assistance in this matter would be appreciated.
Yours faithfully



大作文

The Internet is becoming a dominant element in modern life.  Discuss its advantages and disadvantages.

Since last century, with the rapid development of information technology, the Internet has brought significant changes to our lives. While some people argue that the Internet leads to negative impacts,I personally have to agree with the statement that the benefits of the Internet far outweigh its drawbacks.

First of all, the Internet is a quick method to acquire information. The latest events, happening all over the world, can be caught up in real-time by the Internet. For example, last year’s huge earthquake in Sichuan province was on the internet just ten minutes after it happened, spreading instantly from China to other countries.

Furthermore, the Internet can help us to communicate effectively and directly. It is, indeed, an undeniable fact that the Internet has changed the way we communicate. As a result, people prefer the Internet rather than other tools such as phone and mail,as well as fax as it is efficient and cheap. Nowadays, when most people arrive at their offices, the first thing they do is to turn on their computers and MSN messenger, which is an instant messaging program to keep in touch with their friends and families.

In spite of these benefits, the negative effects brought by the Internet cannot be denied. It is true that young children could be influenced by inappropriate pictures like violent ones. Some of them, in particular, aren’t able to distinguish right from wrong. Moreover, the Internet provides misleading details of fake products, which could harm customers who regularly shop online. Nevertheless, this trend would not happen frequently.

By ways of conclusion, I once again restate my position that the Internet has had positive impacts in modern life because of its influence on communication and high efficiency.

TtiGeR

看了下小作文 不是很有条理，一些理由牵强，时态也比较乱。

开篇比较罗嗦
“I am writing this letter in order to complain about the bad service of your bank that I received recently.”
可以写成
I am writing in regards to my recent poor experience with your service.

比如说 "However, I don’t receive any phone call from him or any other employees of yours."
可以写成 However, I haven't yet heard anything from him or any other staff member.

"Your assistance in this matter would be appreciated"
题目要求“ask the manager what action he will take over this matter”，文中没有明确写出，答题不符合要求
It would be much appreciated if you could look into this issue and let me know what you would do.

“I am looking forward to receive your response.”
Looking forward to后面跟的是名词，而非动词不定式，这种错误往往容易遭到大的扣分
应为 I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours faithfully,  逗号很重要

"Furthermore, your service of customer’s response should be improved, otherwise your bank will lose more customers."

这里的"more"用法不当，more是“更多”，前提是已经lose了一些customer，不管从题目要求也好，还是上下文看，都不是很恰当。

整个第三段结构较混乱，先解释了发生了什么，又接连提出两个要求，应该考虑分开。

It is critical to ensure that high standards of customer service are being maintained and further improved, or CBA will become less attractive than rivals in today's highly competitive market.


当中的理由有点牵强，私人支票一般不用做旅行，除非你是买Amex的旅行支票，cheque book因易空头，已不再广泛接受，除非是有长期业务关系的，所以游客通常无法使用支票。（合理性不强会影响得分）

胡言乱语 仅供参考

3WU

第二篇，我也给点愚见

格式或者模板话比较明显。或者说用的不怎么合适。我个人觉得用模板问题不大，但一定要用的合适并且融会贯通。


首先第一段。建议明显提出有 什么 postive changes  和 negative  impacts. 不需要很长。一个单词一个观点。

主语不当或者缺乏。 Internet  能是一个 method  吗？  使用网络是一种 方法。网络本身是一种media 或者 tool。 于是第二段看起来就很别扭了。。events  是被人们通过网络获得。而不应该是被网络获得。 是earthquate  这一个news ， spread  了 还是 earthquate  本身 spread?


句子不完整。
第三段  communicate  with  WHO?   How  about " each other"? 第一句和第二句都在唠叨 communicate..  第二句是不是可以再补上。。Compared to “When” and  “How”  ？  比如 shorten the time

"As a result, people prefer the Internet rather than other tools such as phone and mail,as well as fax as it is efficient and cheap"  含义不清。
最基本该法： 加一个“，”
"As a result, people prefer the Internet rather than other tools such as phone and mail,as well as fax， as it is efficient and cheap"  可是 It  指什么 还是不很清楚。

再改："As a result, due to efficiency and price， people prefer the Internet rather than other tools such as phone, mail and fax. "   As well as  是用于突出重点的。除非你想突出 fax  更 efficent and cheap.

第三句例子牵强附会。 你是不是想说 People nowadays can not live without Internet。。。然后举例。。
“instant messaging software  ”  不是 programe

第三段。。还是主语不清。。 “Some of them”  指 violent ones   还是  Children and teanagers ?  可以说 Young  adult  但 young  childern 上网是不是也太小了。
“this trend ”  是指什么趋势？？前面没有谈到趋势。可以说 "These incidents"  或者 “These crimes”


最后总结。套用模板格式不正确。 “my position 。。”
题目说 “Discuss its advantages and disadvantages”  并没有问你的观点和立场。
最后也并没有提到缺点。

rommi

我就不评论细节了

我仔细研究过 剑桥 小作文的评分表准 和 评语

重要程度如下：
1. 写信的对象和目的 必须明确 （我的理解就是改卷者不看提示，就应该知道你的信是写给谁的目的是什么）
我觉得套用魔板  最大的问题就是  看不出来 信是写给谁的

比如开头， 不要一直用Dear Sir or Madam, I‘m writing to...， 这种东西绝对不会加分得 特别是写给朋友的信 这样看头估计要被扣分

2. 提示的3点必须全部包括，少任何一点都要扣分

3. 字数不到150 肯定在6分以下 我看了范文 都在170字以上

4. 必须有细节描述（也就是魔板中所谓的联想），我的感觉就是越细越好，效果就是考官一看就能在头脑中有一幅图，如果读完不能有一幅图在脑中出现，细节描写肯定要扣分， 我觉得这里你就可以搞个流水账  把当天去银行办卡的流程说出来， 比如 去银行排队-〉谁接待了你  -〉你提了什么要求 -〉他答应并且落款在纸上 同时可以加上自己的心理情况

5. 多用连词，我看了idiomatic expression是在大部分评语中都提到的，要重视，吃不准的中式英语不要硬用

6. 词汇量的要求   

基本就是这些，做好了 应该就是7分得作文

chris605

Dear Sir or Madam
I am writing this letter in order to complain about the bad service of your bank that I received recently.
I have been a customer of your bank for three years. On 8th June, I ordered a new cheque book from your bank considering that I plan to take my holiday next month. It would take me a large amount of money for the holiday as my family members will come with me. As usual, I believe the cheque book would arrive after five working days. However, two weeks have past and I haven’t received the cheque book until now.
Last week I called to your bank for asking the arriving date of my cheque book. One employee of your bank, whose name is Jason Wong, took my call and inform me that he will check the arriving date and offer me a reason that my cheque book was so late. However, I don’t receive any phone call from him or any other employees of yours. I was wondering if it is possible for you to check my cheque book. Furthermore, your service of customer’s response should be improved, otherwise your bank will lose more customers.
I am looking forward to receive your response. Your assistance in this matter would be appreciated.
Yours faithfully

grammar error. employee (customer service officer, call centre staff) ' the arriving date(arrival), etc.

Dear sir or madam can be To whom it may concern

[ 本帖最后由 chris605 于 25-11-2009 13:35 编辑 ]

JamesHu

老虎兄，谢谢你的意见。
其中你说的支票的用途，我还真不知道，从小到大，就只见过对公的支票，个人支票还从没见过，唉，这题目真是的，一点都不考虑发展中国家的国情。

TtiGeR

呵呵
Dear Sir or Madam应该是题目印好的部分

To Whom It May Concern一般用于开证明信

支票只适合讲诚信的地方……

wj22

在改你的作文前想问一下你的题目是从哪里来的？ 感觉上题目的用词有点怪，而且现在雅思的大作文好像比较少只有一句话来做background，多数都比较像essay的题目。（另外以下只略改结构性及用法的问题）


You ordered a new cheque book from your bank two weeks ago but you have received nothing.

Write a letter to the manager complaining about the bad service. Say when and how you ordered the cheque book. Ask how much longer you will have to wait and ask the manager what action he will take over this matter.
You should write at least 150 words.

You do NOT need to write your own address. Begin your letter as follows:

Dear Sir or Madam：
I am writing this letter in order to
complain about the bad service of your bank that I received recently.
I have been a customer of your bank for three years. On 8th June, I ordered a new cheque book from your bank considering that I plan to take my holiday next month. It would take me a large amount of money for the holiday as my family members will come with me. As usual, I believe the cheque book would arrive after five working days. However, two weeks have past and I haven’t received the cheque book until now.
1.writing this letter to 就够了，后面的in order to 可以省去。
2.去掉bad，虽然题目里有这个词 （所以觉得怪怪的）， 但是犯错的人不是你写信的对象。一开始就下定论，语气太重。
3.第一句的后半句句式易引起confusion，不利于读者分清中心，可以改为： about the service I recently received  from your bank.
4.第二句需要略略的修改一下,  如：I have been a royal customer of your bank for three years 这样子才可以看得出他们如何“辜负”了你对他们的信任，从而才可以在后面展开写。不然这句看起来上下不连接。
5.第三、四句顺序掉过来。最好考虑将两句以连接词来合并。
6.需要注意主语的变换，如最后两句。
7.大体结构都在了，但是要注意句与句之间的连贯性。

Last week I called to your bank for asking the arriving date of my cheque book. One employee of your bank, whose name is Jason Wong, took my call and inform me that he will check the arriving date and offer me a reason that my cheque book was so late. However, I don’t receive any phone call from him or any other employees of yours. I was wondering if it is possible for you to check my cheque book. Furthermore, your service of customer’s response should be improved, otherwise your bank will lose more customers.
I am looking forward to receive your response. Your assistance in this matter would be appreciated.
Yours faithfully
1.Last week 如果置前最好后面以逗号与主句分隔。
2.还是连贯性。第二、三句中因该加写他们答应xxx天内给你回复，这样后面就接得上了。
3.第二句可用同为语：A gentlement , Jason Wong, answered.....
4.第二句太多的and连接。
5.第四句以后与complain无关，特别是第四句。应该写写他们这种服务有什么弊端，再写你想他们做什么。而且要求的语气也过弱。
6.look forward to doing
7. receive ....-－> hearing from  you
8.faithfully不合适，商业上一般sincerely 就够了。

大作文

The Internet is becoming a dominant element in modern life.  Discuss its advantages and disadvantages.

Since last century, with the rapid development of information technology, the Internet has brought significant changes to our lives. While some people argue that the Internet leads to negative impacts,I personally have to agree with the statement that the benefits of the Internet far outweigh its drawbacks.
1.开段不错，能清晰的阐明自己的观点，但是要注意： （1）不要过于夸张，last century-->the past two decades (2) remove "have to"  ，没有人逼你同意。 （3）statement -->opinion

First of all, the Internet is a quick method to acquire information. The latest events, happening all over the world, can be caught up in real-time by the Internet. For example, last year’s huge earthquake in Sichuan province was on the internet just ten minutes after it happened, spreading instantly from China to other countries.

1.用从句把第一、二句合起来。
2.在最后加一句来回应第一句。

Furthermore, the Internet can help us to communicate effectively and directly. It is, indeed, an undeniable fact that the Internet has changed the way we communicate. As a result, people prefer the Internet rather than other tools such as phone and mail,as well as fax as it is efficient and cheap. Nowadays, when most people arrive at their offices, the first thing they do is to turn on their computers and MSN messenger, which is an instant messaging program to keep in touch with their friends and families.

1.既然上面用First of all 来开头，这段就不要用futhermore。 Furthermore 一般用于继续展开同一内容。这里可以用Secondly。
2. communicate more .......
3.第二句应为第一句的论据而不是只是陈述internet改变生活。
4.第三句与第一句的论点不符。第四句亦然。
5。既然第一句写internet 在通讯上的effectiveness and directness, 后面就要捉住这两方面来写。

In spite of these benefits, the negative effects brought by the Internet cannot be denied. It is true that young children could be influenced by inappropriate pictures like violent ones. Some of them, in particular, aren’t able to distinguish right from wrong. Moreover, the Internet provides misleading details of fake products, which could harm customers who regularly shop online. Nevertheless, this trend would not happen frequently.

1.以从句合并第二、三句，并注意用词如ones.
2.第四句最好用被动式，不要以internet来做主语。第一句已经讲negative effects，所以从连贯的角度上看，要以negative effects 如 misleading information等来做主语。
By ways of conclusion, I once again restate my position that the Internet has had positive impacts in modern life because of its influence on communication and high efficiency.

1.可能寡闻，从没见过by ways of conclusion, in conclusion 就够了。
2.不需要restate......把第一段的观点改写以下就可以与第一段呼应了。

wj22

To TtiGeR： 唉，都是电脑惹的祸。电脑用多了就会出这种低级错误。

JamesHu

探讨下Faithfully 和 Sincerely
来自Longman字典：
Yours sincerely
British use this at the end of formal letters which begin with 'Dear Mr ...', 'Dear Ms ...' etc

Yours faithfully
British use this at the end of formal letters, which began with 'Dear Sir', 'Dear Madam' etc

据我的理解，sincerely用在写信对象是一个知道名字的人，但不熟，faithfully用在不知道对象名字的情况，所以各自对应的抬头是不一样而且是固定的。

另外：
All the best/Best wishes/With best wishes
use this especially in letters or e-mails to friends and family

regards
use this especially in letters or e-mails to people you know or work with, especially people who are not family or close friends

love (from)
use this at the end of letter to members of your family, close friends etc

朗文字典是个好东西

JamesHu

谢谢wj22的大力帮忙！

wj22

To btfans:
理论上Yours faithfully 用于你不认识对方，不知道对方的名字，而Yours sincerely 用于你知道对方的名字。所以一半是配对出现，如Dear Sir/Madam， 就用Yours faithfully,而Dear Mr/Ms/Miss某某 等用Yours sincerely. 但是具体用那种来做closing （如其他的truely, 甚至respctfully)是看文章的语调的。有时即使是formal letter 但是如果想达到一些socialable的效果，或者不想太过沉重，可以用一些轻一点的closing.这就是为什么于一般商业信件建议你可以用sincerely。但是，有一点你指出的很对，那就是这篇文章应该用faithfully,因为用的是sir/madam开头（改到中途忽略了这点）。但要提醒一下，其实雅思有时不一定用Dear Sir/Madam 只给Dear， 这就要看文章的语调来决定了。其实现今很多的书信文件，除非收信人比你的级别实在高很多或者有些特殊头衔，不然一般都趋向socialable的closing。而且现在的情况比较复杂，抬头写Dear branch manager用faithfully还是sincerely？只能讲一般的商用文件可以用sincerely,但如果语调很强的话就应该用faithfully. 所以，虽然抬头与结尾是配对出现，但也要因情况来考虑。

JamesHu

WJ22，谢谢你热心的回复，确实，很多时候写信的时候语气是个难控制的东西，别说英文信了，连中文信这个都是个难题。

serena_33

前面有位提到说从没见过By ways of conclusion。咳，其实是楼主多余了一个s，改为By way of conclusion，就OK

calous

我也是过来人。。
6分 的作文跟5.5分作文的区别是 每个小段落的论点 都谈到 正反两面，然后 强调你的立场
我跟你一样， 第四次，  就努力写正反两面的论据，当然，包括for example 这样的实例。
终于考过了。
感觉你的文章太多正面论述了

wj22

即使是by way of conclusion，在此也不大适合。一般来讲，by way of 其中一个用法是用于表明做某事的意图。如果用by way of conclusion,下文一般还会继续。所以一般不用于文章的结尾，即使用于文章的结尾，后面也会有一定的文段。从原文的结构上看，到了最后那段，由于前面已经用罗列的方式，而且作者意在结尾，那就用in conclusion会比较合适。