感觉上LZ的写作过于拘泥于题目及格式。中英文的写作逻辑不同，建议LZ先理清写作逻辑。
这篇信总体上连贯性不足，基本上像是在答问题。另外请注意句与句之间的连贯与承接（大作文还要注意段与段之间的连贯），这是雅思写作评分的重点。
Dear Sam,
I’m wiring （writing) to you to tell you (I am writing to tell you that) that I have recently started work in a new company, Cisco Systems, Inc., which is one of the most famous telecommunication companies all over the world. You may be curious about why I left my previous employer Intel. The reason is that I prefer Cisco to Intel, and what’s more, I’ve been a fan of Cisco technologies since I was young.
1.非正式信件最好以礼貌性用语开场。
2.have started a new job in ....... 如果一定要用work，最好是 I have recently started working in...........
3.最后一句逻辑不清，切忌为了达到写作要求而搪塞。
During these days, I have been enjoying the days working at Cisco. I’ve got a number of racks of devices. I just configure them and set up a working telecommunication network. Furthermore, the working time is very flexible, so I can get up late everyday. And the most important thing is that the pay is much higher than the job before.
1.需要用适当的连接词，而不是以during these days来开头。另外，during these days,.......days wokring.........days 重复
2.量词，一个就够了，a number of deveices or racks of devieces
3.remove "just"，太口语化
4.如果整段是写你为什么enjoy working at Cisco,第二、三句要做适当的调整。
Finally, I should tell you that I’m preparing for the CCIE (Cisco Certified Internetworking Expert) certificate, which is the top certificate on the networking area. It was expensive for me to take the example before but now I can take it for free!
1.remove“I should tell you that"直接写你在做什么，即使是中文也没有什么“我应该告诉你。。。。”这种写法吧。
Looking forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours，
Sean
Live in House or An apartment（雅思写作不要求标题）
（没有应题，即，address the questions. 但注意只是把题目内容抄一遍是会被扣分的。250字的文章最好用大概50字来应题，写写background等）
With the development of real estate market, more and more choices ofhousing are faced with consumers. Take Shanghai for example, allcitizens lived in apartments several decades ago. But after the 1990s,more and more houses have been developed by real estate companies, inorder to meet the requirement of high level consumers. Living in houseor an apartment, it’s now a choice for citizens of large cities.
1.语意不清，结构上需要调整。另外，最好先表明观点，即先答题。 人家问advantages and disadvantages, 以上这段看不出来。
2.第一句：......choices.....are faced with consumers. 应以consumers来做主语
3.Take Shanghai for example, 太口语化: For example, .........
4.正式写作忌以but, and做句子开头
5. more and more重复出现
6. 语句不是很通顺（以下愚作乃根据原文所改，但不建议以此作为开头段，只做参考而已）
With developments of the real estate market, consumers have more choices in selecting their preferred type of housing. For example, before the 1990s when the housing market in Shanghai started to develop, apartments were the only type of housing available for the residents. However, after the 1990s, houses were introduced to the market by various real estate companies and have attracted a large amount of consumers since then. Today, consumers in populated cities can choose either apartments or houses as their preferred type of housing.
Living in a house is a good decision for successful people. There areseveral advantages. First of all, houses are always built in the uptownareas, where livers can enjoy fresher air, which is good for health.Furthermore, more space for living make people relax better, and theycan hold whatever activities they want, such as part and sport. Lastbut not the least, it’s a good way of investment to buy ahigh-qualified house, for the owner of the house can enjoy profitbrought by the development of the city.
1.第一句不应题
2.livers?谁的肝啊 ？-->residents. 另外，如非必要，不要从句里再从句。
3.不要随便用last but not the least。 这是一般在文章结尾用的。
4.需要调整结构。
On the other hand, to live in an apartment is a better choice for usyoung citizens of a city. First, it’s tough to afford the high load ofbuying a house. Second, the apartments are usually built in downtownwhere is usually nearer to the working place. Finally, apartments arealways narrow so that you don’t need too much effort and expense toclean.
All in all, living in house is a good suggestion for rich people. Butfor youth, whether it’s a blessing or a curse depends on whether theycan afford such a high expense.
1.假如写house那段的结构整理好了，这段用on the other hand，开头做比较是可以的。
2.for us young citizens of a city ----> for your residents. citizen是公民，resident是居民，住在一个地方的人不一定都是那个国家的公民，特别在讨论居住时，resident 比较合适。
3.既然已经讲是young residents,后面就要捉住young来讨论，不要过于笼统， 后面的论证改一改就可以支撑开头句了。
4.load --> loan
5.nearer-->near 就够了
6.narrow--> apartments have smaller space
7.All in all--> In all
8.结论最好另起一段。另外，有没有钱住house并不是人家要问的，据以上原文，住house的一个advantage是可以突出自己有钱。这样的论点考官可能不太接受吧。
9. 还是文章结构需要改善。 基本上只有在罗列论证，语句不是很连贯。
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发表于 23-11-2009 11:03:47
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