请专家审阅我写的作文

Juana

题目：
Should experiments be conducted on animals for the benefit of human beings?

正文：
As modern biology develops,more and more animals are being utilised in experiments which aims to create new medicine for human beings.Whether it is reasonable or not becomes a controversial issue.Aa far as I am concerned,I advocate this method.

First,the strong survive in the jungle law.As one category of creature,mankind predominates on the earth on acount of high intelligence. Therefore,humans do have the right to make use of other animals for benefits,which makes no difference from wolves hunting hares.

Further more,animals are the most suitable,even the only alternative in these experiments.Opponents emphasize that carrying out experiments on animals is cruel behaviour.However,they ignore the fact that nothing could replace animals in those biological experiments,except for humans.After all,it is better that animals suffer than that adults or children do.Since animals,especially mammals,have the similar physical structure to human beings,their reaction in the experiments is extremely valuable for scientists' reseach,which can not be replaced by computer simulation.

In addition,using animals in scientific experiments do not have negative effect on ecosystem.Those experiments are severely controlled by governments and a growing number of states are legislating to regulate the usage of animals during experiments,which will prevent bruality to some extent.What is more,the number of animals used in experiments is so limited that any impact can be hardly made on ecosystem.

To sum up,I vote for the concept that animals should be utilised in scientific experiments for humans' benefits before a feasible substitute is discovered or invented.

[ 本帖最后由 Juana 于 14-7-2009 11:15 编辑 ]

我的霍巴特

写的合真不错。。

虽然我看不懂。

我会飞

兄弟，版，真的

[ 本帖最后由 我会飞 于 14-12-2010 09:29 编辑 ]

Juana

原帖由 dsb520 于 14-7-2009 00:03 发表

                               
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兄弟，不是我打击你，这篇作文极有可能5.5分，模版的痕迹太重了。考官很讨厌模版，真的

无奈了。纯粹是我自己写的。

levix

感觉LZ写的不错啊。
把每段的首句再“润色”些就更好了。

我会飞

你第一段不能这么写，这是一个很明显的模版。考官看到这个印象分就下去了。

[ 本帖最后由 我会飞 于 14-12-2010 09:29 编辑 ]

我会飞

第三个论点，论据不是很有说服力。

Juana

原帖由 dsb520 于 14-7-2009 00:21 发表

                               
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你第一段不能这么写，这是一个很明显的模版。考官看到这个印象分就下去了。

亚斯写作的第一段都大同小异的吧？把题目换个说法重复一遍，然后表明自己的观点。
像八股文。

我会飞

kkkkkkkkkkkkk

[ 本帖最后由 我会飞 于 14-12-2010 09:29 编辑 ]

Juana

原帖由 dsb520 于 14-7-2009 00:34 发表

                               
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NO，NO，NO， 第一段很重要，要让考官耳目一新。我就是这样做的，我两次都6.5.  不过也不一定，  也许我写成八股文就7分了， 你自己看着办吧。所有的事情别人只是看客，只有自己才能拯救自己。

怎么写才能耳目一新呢？

西澳海豚

我的写作也只有6，不敢说指教----
不过，这篇文章看起来很生硬，虽然用了一些转折句，但是～
整篇看起来却是松散的，支持你的论点有些牵强～
尤其是第一段的----丛林法则，适者生存，人类主宰其他动物------？

当然，我的雅司老师说，重点不在你的观点，而是文章的内容通畅----
不过，看你文章的是----外国人，是否顾虑一下他的感受？
另外，你算过你的字数了吗？确定有超过300字？看起来好短！

Juana

小动物在自然界被大型动物吃掉，低等动物也可以被人类利用。所以，是合理的。

字数是要求超过250词。

蒙面超人

建议看看一些国外网站，譬如BBC，The Economicst之类的，用外国人自己的承接句式，过渡句来替代自己的，要找那些比较新颖但是又不会词不达意的例句。你的作文没大问题，很规范。但是雅思改卷子的考官，每张卷子只有3分钟看大作文，所以他们不可能仔细去理解你表达的深刻含义的，能够在最短的时间内表现你的语文水平，就是要用一些稍微华丽而且顺畅的句式。优秀和新颖的过渡、承接句式无疑是一个很重要的地方。当然，论据与论点的关联性也是相当重要的，无论如何都要紧扣你的中心思想。

fatfish_cc

偶的水平很有限，好多词儿不曾见过...

tomasa

从英文表达来看，这个文章在5.5分左右（过去可以拿6分），也可以给你6分，如果考官宽松。但是西方的观点，动物和人类平等。你的文章让人反感。你在国内可能很难理解西方对动物的尊重，前几天我开车出去，高速公路全部封道只留一个车道限速50公里，原因是一直野鸭子飞上公路受伤了，警车救护车呼啸而至只是为了抢救一只受伤的鸭子。我自己也有过大半夜的等一只兔子过马路，可它赖路中间不走了，等了半小时，后面的车排了长龙，没有人按喇叭什么的。很多例子还有大白天公共汽车突然停下来，因为路中间有受了惊吓的小猫，所有的车耐心等待，直到小猫找到出口。所以我看了你这个文章想揍你，绝大部分外国人看了你的文章也想揍你，你说考官想不想揍你？就算你去投诉，也不会给你加分。

从内容方面建议你持反对观点，强调动物和人类的平等权利。人类没有权利剥夺其它动物的生存权利。最后，如果确实必要用动物做试验，一定要最大限度减少痛苦，尽量减少次数。

这个文章使用的连接词语太生硬，这点也不能得到高分。

虽然跟本贴无关，对大多数国人漠视动物权利，有地人甚至虐待动物，烂宰杀动物，什么动物都吃表示鄙视和抗议。

levix

还有些语法错误，LZ自行找出并改正吧

iamgoinghome

any impact can hardly made on ecosystem
any impact can hardly be made  on ecosystem

is cruel behaviour
is a cruel behaviour

等等，但6分还是没大问题的。其实很多小的问题是我们自己很难看出来的，比如定冠词的用法。。。但老外一眼就看出来了。

Juana

写成反对的：

Aniamals play an important role in the progress of our human beings.For example,such animals as monkeys or rabbits are used in medical research.Indeed,animal testing has dramatically improved the health of human beings.Without animal testing,many patients would suffer from and even die of their diseases.However,despite these benefits,I believe that animals should not be used for testing medical techniques and drugss.

First,animals tests violate animals' rights.Although humans have been occupying the dominant position since they appeared on the earth,Darwin believed that human beings evolved from apes.Therefore,man is also a member of animals.To some extent,man and animals are equal.Morever,animals are of great help to human in many aspects.In modern times,some animals are raised as pets.However,in experiments,animals are usually killed or at least suffer from great pains.It is a kind of bruality and cruelty.

Second,not all experiments are necessary.Nowadays animals are used in too many experiments.Some diseases are not common ones and wil not lead to people's death.Further more,with the fast development of science and technology,other alternatives have been found to replace animal testing.For example,computer simulation can achieve similar results.

And last,not all the experiments are reliable.Animals and humans are two quite different creatures.The treatments and drugs which are effective on animals are sometimes useless and can even have negative effects on humans.That is to say,information gathered from animals is not always useful to humans.

All in all,such kind of bruality should be halted.We should create a pain-free life for all animals.

Juana

原帖由 iamgoinghome 于 14-7-2009 11:03 发表

                               
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any impact can hardly made on ecosystem
any impact can hardly be made  on ecosystem

is cruel behaviour
is a cruel behaviour

等等，但6分还是没大问题的。其实很多小的问题是我们自己很难看出来的，比 ...

Thanks.
第一个是笔误。
第二个，我一直对名词的可数和不可数搞不清楚。尤其是behaviour这样的抽象名词。

VictorCox

too many "formal" words. i do not like this style anyway

Juana

原帖由 VictorCox 于 14-7-2009 12:01 发表

                               
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too many "formal" words. i do not like this style anyway

亚斯议论文写作不是类似于大学的论文，要正式一点吗？

蒙面超人

原帖由 Juana 于 14-7-2009 09:12 发表

                               
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写成反对的：
...
First,animals tests violate animals' rights.Although humans have been occupying the dominant position since they appeared on the earth,Darwin believed that human beings evolved from apes.Therefore,man is also a member of animals.To some extent,man and animals are equal.Morever,animals are of great help to human in many aspects.In modern times,some animals are raised as pets.However,in experiments,animals are usually killed or at least suffer from great pains.It is a kind of bruality and cruelty. ...

简单说说这一段，我认为还有几个需要注意的地方。一是连接词太多，although, therefore, to some extent, moreover. 考官可能会怀疑你在凑字数，而且这几个连接词还是太“平凡”，所以显得比较累赘；二是论点不够展开，论据太少。although...therefore，这两者的因果关系并不清晰，后面的equal就更加让考官糊涂了。你可以说As a member of the nature just like other species,human should take the responsibility to keep the natural balance and enjoy peaceful coexistence.然后或者有时间你可以举一两个破坏平衡的例子。这样能让你的论点更加有力。

不过我看你的题目是反对拿动物做测试，你要注意你的观点不要挪到“人与动物的权利”上面去了，假如真的要“扯远”，你要有能力“扯回来”才行。

VictorCox

原帖由 Juana 于 14-7-2009 12:04 发表

                               
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亚斯议论文写作不是类似于大学的论文，要正式一点吗？

If you go through the graduation paper written by native speakers u may find that except for the specific terminology most of those paper use simple words that are popular in oral english. IOW,They are tending to make a difficult topic easy for the target audience. This is different from that of chinese graduation paper, in which the authors tend to make an easy topic difficult to understand(so that they can pretend to know something that no one else know..).

That is, a "formal" thesis does not necessary means the using of "formal" words.

To my understanding, a successful IELTS article should address following:
1. in your own words
2. concise (statement structure)
3. accuracy (usage of words)
4. easy to understand

in my IELTS writing test i use most popular words in oral english, with couple of grammar problem, though, the article reviewer still buy it

fatfish_cc

原帖由 VictorCox 于 14-7-2009 12:01 发表

                               
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too many "formal" words. i do not like this style anyway

同意...formal得偶有点看不懂... :-)

Juana

两个不同的层次。对英语运用自如的考生可以用自己认为简单的词来写作，但是水平不够的人只能刻意使用一些“大词”来显示自己的水平，否则，只能是满篇的be动词了。

我的意思是，亚斯写作需要在正式和简单的词汇中寻找一个平衡点。而水平低的人根本找不到这个点，如果我们再按照我们认为简单的词汇来写，那就会写成初中生的英语作文了。

[ 本帖最后由 Juana 于 14-7-2009 12:43 编辑 ]

蒙面超人

但是水平不够的人只能刻意使用一些“大词”来显示自己的水平

哎呀，说的就是我啊。。。

VictorCox

it is not easy to play with those "serious" words...

i've tried to use my own words to write an article . no difficult word used..i believe my writing deserved a 6.5 or higher, even with tons of grammar problems..just for ur reference.

Animals are claimed as human being's friends. This however sounds little a bit ridiculous to me, providing the fact that we are conducting various experiments against them for our own benefits. It looks as if when facing animals, we come to be politicians, as subset of people who advise themselves as ordinary persons' friends but in fact act like vampire breathing taxpayers' money. Do we hate corrupted politicians? If yes then please do not do same thing, as they do to us, to animals.

It is widely accepted that we should pay respect to animals, which, as well as us, are part of the eco-system in this planet. The animal experiments are apparently by no means a good way to show our respect. It is a shameless exploitation. Should we advocate exploitation? Yes if you are live in early 1500s,  No if you are educated persons in 21st century.

Furthermore, the experiments in animals may not necessary bring us the kind of benefits we want. Say, researchers in beauty industry can have surgery in white mouses' facial skin to make  them looks "little a bit" younger. Can we really trust such a technology and allow the similar to be done in our face, before a wide range of in-human tests applied? If we indeed need human based experiments, why should we make those poor rats suffer?

We do aware that animal experiments, especially those for medical purposes, can bring us lots of benefits. However that cannot excuse us from being a selfish and unwelcome member of our planet. Rather, in order to acquire those benefits, we may abuse the animal experiments and bring unnecessary pains to our innocent neighbor.

To concludes, i disagree with animal experiments. I hate play politics, I hate to be selfish, i hate to be hated by other beings with which we are sharing the earth. We've claimed to be friends of animals. We need to act like a friend.

VictorCox

it is a shame that i've made so many basic grammar mistakes

njwdj

介于5。5分和6分之间的作文，放在这个论坛里是看不出什么结果的。

27楼你写作考了7.5分，口语考了6.5分，那都是个了不起的成就。

ringsun

贴一篇我627的实战作文，最后得了6分，本来以为会高点，不过够用了。
相信这个可以帮助楼主找到一点方向，俺没那么多高级词汇，俺认为也没有必要。

Many people claim recently that the primary schools should pay more attention to the basic subjects such as science and technology, instead of the “less important” subjects, for example, history and geography. Personally, I cannot agree with this point to a great extent.

Admittedly, science and technology are very important subjects. Science tells us what are the things like. Without science, for example, we could not know why the birds can fly in the air, so we cannot invent airplanes today. Technology tells us how to use the science knowledge to make our lives more convenient and comfortable. These are very important in our society. Undoubtedly, we should pay attention to them in the schools.

However, science and technology are not the only things we need to know. We also need to know what the places we are living in are like and whom we are. Science and technology cannot answer these questions well, but geography and history can do this. For instance, geography tells us that we are living in a country, there are many other countries in the world and every country has their features, the mountains, the rivers and the people. History, on the other hand, tells us what our ancestors are like and why we are living in this condition today. All of these can make us more self-conscious so we can be clearer what we should do now.  

To sum up, I think the educators should not focus only on the basic subjects and neglect the other essential subjects, like geography and history, after all, the children need more knowledge about the world to live more beautiful lives in the future.